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Sunday, September 25, 2005

How do I tell someone I have herpes?

Telling someone you have HSV and/or another STD is in many ways very
frightening. It’s a fair statement that it’s a lot harder on you to
tell someone, than it is for another person to hear what you're telling
them. So it’s important to have some idea of what you're going to
say and how you're going to say it. I came up with a really easy to
follow formula for telling that makes sure you've got all your bases
covered.

K – Knowledge
A – Approach
A – Attitude
T – Timing

If you follow KAAT, it would go something like this:

Knowledge

When you have to tell someone something this important, you need to
make sure you have all the information that might be needed. In
that list that you need to be able to address are:

1. What HSV is
2. How HSV is transmitted
3. Transmission rate information
4. Methods of treating HSV
5. Methods of preventing HSV transmission

A great resource for all this information, which can also be used
as a backup to what you are telling your “Potential” partner is
the Free Herpes Handbook from Terri Warren. In fact, there’s
no harm in supplying the link for this book to a potential
partner or giving them a printed copy of the book.

Approach

How to approach having this conversation with someone is very
important. There are generally four ways to tell someone. They
should always be told before any contact with area infected by
herpes and before the heat of the moment.

They are:

1. *Face to face –this is preferred.
2. *Telephone Call
3. *Email or Electronic Message ( Chat )
4. *Letter ( Snail-Mail or Delivered in Person )

There are pro's and con's to each method. If you choose to tell
someone face to face, you may get to see some initial reactions
that will give you a hint of what the other person is thinking.
On the other hand, if you are concerned about the person’s
reaction, you can try via phone. The advantage of either email
or a letter is that you have time to really think about what you
are saying and how you say it. There is a really good letter
included in the “Living and Loving with Herpes” report that is
distributed by Antopia. For a free copy of the Antopia report,
go to http://www.gotherpes.com and click on the link for the
report. This report also has a possible conversation to have
with someone via telephone or face to face. It’s up to you what
you feel most comfortable with, but either way, no matter what
approach you choose to take, make sure you do a bit of rehearsal
of what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it before
you actually tell.

Attitude

This is the place where most people get rejected when they tell,
because this is the meat of the whole discussion. There are
some important things to think about here:

What your experience with HSV has been colors how you tell and
the way in which you tell. If you've had bad outbreaks instead
of mild ones, you may be more prone to say that HSV isn't that
easy to deal with than someone that has only ever had one or no
outbreaks.

What you feel about your HSV currently colors how you tell a
partner. Since this person likely has no experience with HSV,
they rely on what you tell them of your experience to form an
opinion. What you say here and your own feelings about having
HSV can make or break you.

How you got HSV doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter either.
If you feel angry about how you got HSV, that anger will be
revealed to the potential partner, and the emotions may be
strong enough that they may reject you because they cannot
or do not want to handle the additional baggage.

Remember why you are telling someone about having HSV. It’s
so that they can make an informed choice. They have the right
to know that you have HSV and to decide if they want to risk
being infected. You should respect their choice and right to
decide either way, but if the decision isn't the one you wanted
to hear, then you will need to deal with whatever feelings come
along with that decision without placing blame on them.

Timing

Timing comes in two forms. The first is when in the
relationship do you tell, the second is when in the time of
day do you tell. Those are decisions that you have to make for
yourself, but here are some options and thoughts on the subject.

For when in the relationship you should tell, there are two
schools of thought on this. The first is to tell early in the
relationship, so that if there is a rejection, you will be
spared a lot of hurt. This idea has it’s advantages and
disadvantages. The advantage is that you minimize the risk
and the pain, but the disadvantage is that you don’t have
the emotional investment from the other person to influence
them staying with you. On the other hand, if you tell later
in the relationship, you have that emotional investment going
for you, but if the person does reject you, then it hurts much
more than if you had told earlier in the relationship.

As for the time of day telling, well, definitely not when
you're all passionate with each other. It not only kills the
mood, but there’s so much frustration involved that it’s not
even funny. So, a calm and relaxed time of day would be good.
Telling during a quiet private time together at either partner’s
home over a cup of coffee would work, and be prepared to have
them tell you that they need to think about it for a few days.
That’s fine, because thinking is good. However, make sure
that if you decide to give them a few days, make it clear you
need to have some sort of answer or further contact by a
certain timeframe in order to know where you stand. You deserve
an answer to whether or not your potential partner will stay
with you as much as your potential partner deserves to know
you have HSV. I think the best way to do this is to ask your
partner when he/she would like to be called in 24-72 hours.
Be ready to share information and for his anger or sadness,
remember it is at the herpes NOT at you. Give him/her time
while still being in friendly company.

Tips for Telling a Partner:
Thanks to Amanda for sharing this on the forums.

1. Tell them before you have sex with them, but wait until
you're sure you like them enough to want to have sex with them.
After all, what's the point of telling someone right off the
bat, before you're sure if the relationship is going to go
anywhere? (Warning: do NOT wait until you are in bed and/or
fooling around to disclose: emotions and passions run high
and people are not thinking clearly enough at this time to
make an educated, rational decision.
Remember, herpes is not a "bedtime story".

2. Tell them in a place where you have some privacy (i.e..
your home, their home, or a park). A parked car is OK,
but do not tell them while you or they are driving! Some
people suggest that you tell at your partner's place
because they will feel the most comfortable there.
However, Dr. Hirsch suggests you tell at your place rather
than theirs, because that way they can get up and leave
if they feel uncomfortable and need time to be alone and
think.

3. STAY CALM! If you get hysterical and start crying, they
will pick up on your fear and it will have a negative effect
on their perception of the virus.

4. Ask them if they've ever been tested for STD's, HIV, etc.,
or if they've ever had an STD. That will get THEM talking
about it first, and will give you some insight on their STD
background and attitude. You could also try bringing it up
in the context of a "safe sex" talk. Ask them how they feel
about safe sex, do they use condoms, etc. Tell them that safe
sex is very important to you, because once you were "unlucky"
and got an STD.

5. If possible, have some pamphlets or printed information
on herpes to give them, so they can read it over later. ASHA
has some excellent pamphlets called "Telling your partner
about herpes" and "When your partner has herpes."
(go to www.ashastd.org for pamphlet ordering info.)

6. After you tell them you have herpes, ask them "what do
you know about it? Again, it will get them talking and will
take the pressure off of you. It will also help you understand
what THEY know, so you know how much information you need to
give them. (Odds are, even if they don't have it, they may
have a friend who has it and may know something about it.)

7. Ask them if they have any questions about it, and try
to answer whatever questions they have as calmly and as
honestly as you can. If they ask you something you don't know,
tell them you don't know, but that the two of you can
research it together. Recommend some websites they can look
at when you're not around.

8. Don't panic if they don't take the news well at first!
Some people need time to think about something like this.
Some people might accept it right away, some might panic
and reject you at first, but they may change their mind
in a day or two (or a week or two)...you never know.

253 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I started seeing this guy and after a couple of dates, I started to really like him. We spent a couple of nights together, but never did anything other than cuddle. He was the first guy that I would have had to tell about me having herpes, so I was extreamly nervous. One night I stayed up researching on the internet how to tell a partner you have herpes, and all I could do was cry. I was afraid that if he rejected me, then I would never have the "balls" to tell another guy.
A couple of nights before, I would stand in front of a mirror, and just say what it was I would say to my man. This helped me see myself and how my body language was when I talked about it. I did this in a couple of different ways, until I found the right way to tell him.

The night finally came, and I prepared myself. We went out, had dinner, and then went back to his place. While watching a movie, I turned to him and told him that I wanted to talk to him about something.

I had told him that I really liked him, and that eventually I would like to be more intamate, but I just wanted to discuss some things with him. I asked him if he'd ever have or if he had any STD's. He had said no, so I kept my composure and said "well my last boyfriend was unaware of something he had, and I ended up contracting herpes from him.." I went to keep talking about it and he looked at me, said "really".... i said "yes" and then he said the most amazing thing.... "well, that doesn't change a thing". I was soo happy, inside I was doing a victory dance! I did end up telling him more, that I was on medication, had only one outbreak in my life thus far, and that I would want him to use protection, because I cared for him and his health. He just looked at me, said thank you for being concerned, and that it still didn't change the way he felt for me, and didnt change his mind to bring our relationship to the next level. I guess, the more you worry, the harder it will seem. He had told me that he acctually dated a girl prior to me that had the virus.

If you read this, and are having the same issue I was... up all night, looking for answers, worrying yourself... just take a minute and breath. Think of what kind of relationship you are looking for in this person... if you really care for the person, just let them know, and tell them you care for thier health as well. Also remember to be calm and collective. BE CONFIDENT with yourself as well.

If they arn't as understanding, then, as my best friend told me, "it's a good way to weed out all the bad guys". No matter what, you are better off for telling them, and a stronger person for being honest with them and yourself!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 9:28:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

excellent telling story and congratulations. I'll bet you felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of your back. Keep me posted as to how things are going and thank you for sharing.

I'd like to move this into it's own post, so if you come back to this, please let me know.

Luanne

Thursday, January 22, 2009 1:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

can i have any advice on telling this guy im going out with , i really like him . and soon it is going to get more intimate. He is a little older than me , and i am scared of rejection ,
i hvnt come to terms with getting it myself , i just get upset whenever i think of it i have researched on how to tell your partner , the annoymous story above has helped. it is the first time i will have to tell anyone!

any tips please ?

Monday, April 13, 2009 8:39:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

Other than everything which is gone into at great lengths on this page, the very first thing you need to do is realize that:

"Herpes does not define you"

I also highly recommend that you get used to hearing the word yourself. Say the word "Herpes" out loud over and over again. Once you get more comfortable hearing the word, you'll then be able to talk about the condition with a little less drama and fear. Trust me, you'll feel so much better.

As far as "now" dealing with this fellow. What's the rush with having sex right away? You might like him now, but find out in a month or so that he's not all that. Try going the friend route first and if he's really into you, he'll stick around. There's no harm in not telling right away unless you're already getting to that intimate stage.

Good luck and keep me posted.

Luanne

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 1:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just recently I found out i had herpes, i contacted it from my ex boyfriend who was unaware at the time. i've began to start liking and hanging out with a new guy, who i am terrified to tell him i have herpes. i don't know when a good time to tell him would be? i've been stressing out about this a lot, although it's nothing serious at all yet its all i can think about. i just need some advice?

Sunday, June 14, 2009 2:27:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

I totally understand and appreciate being "consumed" with your concern and fear in regard to having to tell about your situation. Afterall, that is what is causing your fear more than anything. Fear of rejection. The best thing I can tell you to do is say the word Herpes out loud several times to yourself. Get used to hearing the actual words yourself. In the meantime, learn more about herpes and get comfortable in your own skin. Slow down and take your time with this new relationship. What's the hurry? :-) Take your time and get comfortable and start to accept yourself. No one will accept you fully until you're accepting of yourself. Good luck and keep me posted.

Sunday, June 14, 2009 7:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My situation is a little different from everyone elses. I have become intimate with someone, who now we both like each other very much. We still are very intimate with each other. I haven't told him about the virus and I'm nervous that he will hate me for not telling him sooner. I want to tell him but I dont think we are stable enough for him to handle it since we've been initimate on countless occassions. We use protection ofcourse. My ex who I recently broke up with could not deal with all that does come with the virus and we were together for 3 years. As a result I am nervous about telling this new guy and dont think I will ever find someone who will love the whole me. Please give me some advice

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 6:22:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Anonymous: Wednesday, June 17, 2009 6:22:00 PM


wow, you really have yourself in a pickle. First of all, I know how difficult it is to tell, but it's so much easier to relax and enjoy your sex life if the person you are intimate with is knowing and accepting. Now, I can only imagine that this is all you think about when you're having sex, is the fact that you haven't been fully honest. Believe me, I totally understand your dilemma. How long have you been with this guy? weeks? months?

When you say "he's not stable enough", what exactly do you mean? The bottom line is that, even if for only selfish reasons, you HAVE to tell him. You have to do the right thing for yourself because I know how heavy this secret weighs on us.

How long have you had herpes? How comfortable are you with having it yourself? Are you able to say the word Herpes outloud w/out freaking out, bursting into tears? You have to come to grips with your situation.

Yes, you will be loved again. Just don't put the cart before the horse again. Slow down in your relationships. What's the rush in having sex right away. Who knows, you might find out that herpes is not even the wedge which will come between you.

Good luck and keep me posted.
Luanne

Thursday, June 18, 2009 2:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in a very similar situation. Went on a date with a guy a few days ago. Drank way too much wine and ended up sleeping together. I didn't tell him, didn't give it much thought at the time. Now I am having a panic attack about what to do. We used protection and I was not having any symptoms or anything at the time. Part of me feels like I should just never see him again because I feel bad for not saying it up front. Or do I just tell him. Ah. Why is this so hard!?

Friday, June 19, 2009 4:04:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Anonymous: Friday, June 19, 2009 4:04:00 PM

Well, what's done is done and I do understand "in the heat of the moment". AS you said, luckily you did use protection. At this point, I'm not sure if it's worth telling him unless you plan on seeing him again. Many people would disagree with me, but I don't know if this person is someone who is considered to be a good friend or just a casual acquaintance. Most definitely, if you plan to be with him again, you really need to tell. Come to terms with it for yourself first.

Good luck and keep me posted.

Monday, June 22, 2009 11:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I started seeing this really cool guy and like the last post, drank too much and things got out of hand. At that moment, I only thought of it as a one time fling. Well, things have changed. We did use a condom the first time, the second time we didn't and I felt really terrified and guilty. I did tell him that I have the herpes virus later on that day. Naturally, he got very upset and now I think I ruined a start of something good. He never said that he didn't want to see me again, however; he did say he was very disappointed in me. Is there any chance, that maybe things will get back to where they were without the uncomfortable feeling that I have been dishonest in the beginning? I have always been responsible and told whomever that I was about to sleep with I have the herpes virus. I don't know why I didn't tell him the first time I met him. I guess I was afraid of rejection.

Saturday, July 18, 2009 10:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in a situation where I am interested in some one who works at the same place I do but in a different department and that person has also shown a mutual interest in me. My problem is that I feel uncomfortable telling her I have herpes because we work at the same place. It has been an emotional rollercoaster because I have gone back and forth over should I ask her out or not. She is getting frustrated with me and probably thinks I am playing games but I truly am afraid and not sure if I can go through with it. What is your advice to me?

Sunday, July 19, 2009 7:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've had herpes for 2 years now. When I first found out I was very depressed but now I've come to terms with it and I only had the 1 outbreak. I thought life would be over for me when I found out, I felt that I would never get a man. However, I've dated a couple of men and I was upfront with them and they were cool with it. I even told a couple of men hoping to run them off but it didn't work they still wanted to be with me - lol.

Now my dilemma. I started talking to a guy over the internet a couple of months ago and our chemistry is out of this world. He lives out of state and he wanted to come visit me. I couldn't allow him to spend money on airfare when I hadn't been honest with him about this. I told him that I would rather come there. Anyway he keeps asking everyday if I booked my flight because I'm supposed to go for Labor Day. For some reason I'm so afraid of telling this guy. I told the others with no problem but I'm so afraid of rejection with him, it's killing me. But I know I have to tell him and I have to do it real soon.

Friday, August 07, 2009 9:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I tested positive for herpes s2 in August, but despite some minor "atypical" symptoms, my urologist decided not to diagnose me, but to keep a watch on me for the next 2-3 years. He's elected not to put me on meds and says that my situation is no big deal, despite admitting that I might have what is called an "atpyical, borderline asymptomatic outbreak". He told me to wear condoms for a month and then just monitor my situation moving forward.

Timing is awful, as the month has ended and I find myself dating someone new who is utterly amazing and we are nearing that point where intercourse is a big expectation. Since my situation is so ambivalent, I don't know how to approach telling them without sounding like I'm rationalizing. Any advice is appreciated.

Thursday, September 24, 2009 7:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok. So I just found out I have herpes. I'm sure if my ex gave it to me because he was diagnosed right before we divorced, however I never had any symptoms until now and that was about a year ago. I just had my first outbreak and I'm seeing this amazing guy who we have both discused future plans with, and obviously we've been intamate for awhile. I'm not sure if he gave it to me because he had told me before we started getting intimate that he had been checked just prior to that. In any case how do I bring this conversation up? I'm afraid of rejection. But I figure if he passed it to me it's not something that will change my feelings for him.

Friday, October 30, 2009 7:59:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

response to Anonymous: Friday, October 30, 2009 7:59:00 PM

Anything is possible. You could have contracted it from your ex and the symptoms simply never appeared until now, or this new guy could have it and might not have never known or been properly diagnosed either or maybe he simply failed to tell you? It amazes me how much more we women seem to be concerned about passing it along. Some guys are considerate, but others don't seem to think of it as a big deal, which it's not really, but the honesty and communication part is what is so important really...it's not the herpes issue so much when you break it all down. I think you need to say something to him. If you don't it will wear heavily on you. You could or should have always been saying to any new guy you met that you had been "exposed to herpes", but had never had any outbreaks that you knew of. But people are people and if it's not bothering them, then we just assume we're clear and don't have the virus going on.

Hope that helps.

Luanne

Saturday, October 31, 2009 1:59:00 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

I have been dating this guy for only a week, but i've known him for a while. The hard part of the situation is, i've never even met him; it's an online relationship. He plans on coming to see me in March with a friend, but i already know i love him. He has also told me he loves me. i feel that this is really difficult, because i've only ever had 2 sexual partners, and the guy i contracted it from i was planning on marrying (we were together for 2 and 1/2 years). The guy i'm dating now is wonderful and sweet, but i'm so nervous. His mom is a nurse, and he knows a lot about STD's, so i think that will help, but i still want to cry when i think about telling him. He has only had 2 sexual partners as well, and i know he's proud of the fact that he doesn't have any STD's. i just need some encouragement because i think he's the one and i think it might break my heart if he decides to dump me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009 4:20:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

Jessica, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.

How are things going with this guy? Slow down and don't fall into the love trap so quickly. You might think it's love, but seriously, what's the rush? You have plenty of time and it sounds like you're pretty young.

If you read this, let me know whatever happened.

Friday, December 11, 2009 6:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've made plenty of bad decisions in my life and sleeping with the last guy I did was probably the worst one because I contracted HSV 2 shortly after. I have HSV 1 as well but never had an outbreak and never have been active, but for some reason I handled oral herpes better than genital. I just feel dirty, like I did something wrong. I know I didn't ask for this and the only fault I should bear is the fact that I was too trusting of the guy who come to find out was sleeping with random girls all the time. Had a new one the next week after me. Anyways, I have been recently seeing this guy and we get along great and we've gotten sort of intimate, however I refuse to have sex with him until I am comfortable enough and can trust him. The rejection part of it all is hard enough, I keep going back to this self-loathing I have for myself. I just feel so alone and that no one will ever love me. I don't let anyone in enough to find out, and I know that it's not a healthy thing to do but I've been rejected all my life by guys who "just weren't ready" and suddenly reappear again saying they made a mistake. I just don't think that I am capable of taking anymore rejection. I mean I really like this guy, but I have been holding back b/c I don't want to get hurt or end up getting shunned b/c I have herpes. I know I'm rambling, I just don't know what else to do. I really just need some advice on how to not let this virus define me as a person.

Monday, April 26, 2010 11:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recently found out that i have herpes. I have been dealing with it the best i possibly can but it is a hard thing to find out. I had been seeing a guy and i have told him about it. he has decided to not take the chance of sleeping with me but we still hang out as friends and i am ok with that. My best friend has been a huge help with me accepting my situation. i have been seeing this guy for a few weeks now and we have gotten intimate but have not had sex yet. i am afraid to tell him but i know that i have to becasue it is getting to the point that sex will be the next step. i guess i feel like i cant have sex anymore because of the virus but i have read so many stories on relationships where only one person has it. i am planning on telling him tonight and i hope it goes ok. it is good to know that i am not alone

Wednesday, May 05, 2010 10:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi i wanted to shair a few things i was relly strest out when i got it when i found this site it made me feel so much better im not deprest any more i did everything that this site said and now i met a girl that is the love of my life. the way i told her was on msn i said that she should know something about me. she knew my past that my x cheated on me and i hinted a cople of times that she screwed up my life and she knew something was serios so i just told her flat out ther were some aukword moments but i told her that she hade the right to know. she was relived that i told her and she knew i could be trusted because i told her so life is great now. i just wanted to shire my fellings and if this helps anyone out thair im happy. you are not alone thair is someone out there for all of us

Monday, May 10, 2010 3:14:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to the Anonymous poster from: Monday, April 26, 2010 11:13:00 PM
----------------------------------
I totally understand your frustration in regards to feeling dirtier w/genital herpes than w/oral. It's kind of silly you know, why should one be any better than the other.

In regard to seeking of advice. Just remember that having herpes does not define who you are as a person. You are so much more than herpes. I tell people all the time, say the word herpes out loud several times, to yourself and get used to hearing it. It makes it easier to stomach when you actually need to have "the talk" with someone. If you can "hear" the word, you'll get more and more confident so that you don't cringe when you say it in front of someone else. We are all so much more than herpes. Love yourself first, then love will automatically come to you and it will make it easier to tell. Don't focus so much on the sex part of any relationship. Focus on the friendship part of it. When you're ready to tell, you will and you will feel great for having told, whether you are rejected or not. At least your mate will know how honest of a person you are. Heck, they might even return w/.."OH, I have that too"!! Chin up, you'll be just fine.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to the anonymous poster from: Wednesday, May 05, 2010 10:54:00 PM
===================================
I agree that it makes it so much easier to know you're not alone. So did you tell him and how did it go? Hopefully it went well. Read my response above this one and try it for yourself. Good luck to you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous poster from: Monday, May 10, 2010 3:14:00 PM
=================================
Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad that my situation and shared thoughts have been helpful to you. I'm glad to hear that your telling story went so well and that she was so accepting. Didn't you feel so much better too, having known that huge weight was lifted off of your shoulders!! Congratulations to you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010 12:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i felt sooo much better when i told her and she wasent running for the hills. after that conversation we had on msn of all things .its been so perfect with her shes the most kindest person ive ever ment and the prettiest and she feels the same for me. were evan thinking of moving in together in the summer. so ya i feel like a normal person now noworries. ive only got one outbrake and ive hade it for about 7 months ive been working out and eating healthy ive almost forgot what it feels like anymore. o ya and the sex is amazing lol

Friday, May 14, 2010 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

and that's the absolute best part when the sex is soooo amazing. I'm in the same situation right now. He's not afraid, nor does he even let on that he's thinking about my herpes which is totally awesome. It's such a freeing feeling when you can get it off of your chest. The guards come down and yes, sex is so much more amazing when you don't have herpes hanging over your head. It's all good.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 12:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, after reading all the posts/comments on this page I have come to realize that I am not the only one that is having difficulty telling someone that I have herpes. I was diagnosed about three years ago and with much surprise to myself I have only been rejected twice. Honestly, I was never afraid to tell anyone I had herpes until recently. I started talking to this guy about two months ago. So far everything is going good for the most part. I asked him last night what we should be calling this but he really didn't specify. I do want to take this slow. We hang out one or twice a week and the conversation of intimacy has come up but I keep on avoiding the "moment". Which he doesn't seem to mind to much as of right now. I do like him alot but I don't want to tell him or sleep with him if this is going to be a dead end thing. I guess what I am trying to say is when should I tell him if he isn't giving me a straightforward answer on what we are doing here? I don't want to continue this if all he is actually trying to do is gain a notch in his belt. But in the same I am physically attracted to him and I can only hold off for so long until I need to focus on my sexual needs also. If anyone has advice on this please comment back. Thanks!

Friday, June 18, 2010 12:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Too Much for Me... said...

Just recently, I found out from my doctor that I've contracted Herpes Type 2. To say that I am dissapointed in myself would be an understatement. With my last boyfriend (the individual who I contracted the virus from) we used condoms about half of the time, so there was more than enough room for a mistake such as this to occur. I am trying my best to not allow this single moment to define myself or any forthcoming relationships I may have, but it is exceptionally hard; A psychological tug of war, that I am fighting every day. In my mind, I don't deserve this (Not that anybody does!) because I've never been promiscuous or what my family tends to call "loose". I've had sex, but only within the confinements of what I deemed were pretty healthy,sustainable relationships. I've never cheated on any of my boyfriends, I can count one hand and not needing all my fingers, all of the men I have slept with in my 27 years of living. And yet, I am still here, learning to live with HSV2, and trying my best not to let it utterly destroy my self esteem, my social relationships with others, and my ability to "trust" someone in a healthy way. I am angry at my partner I contracted this virus from. I am uttlerly embarrassed and feel extremely dirty. We broke up nearly a year ago, but I know I contracted the virus from him because I have been tested periodically in the past, and I have not had sexual intercouse with anyone since our relationship dissipated. Presently, I am working through trying not to look at myself with disdain; I don't feel "whole" anymore, just a shadow of myself. I am working on it, but this is a very difficult battle. Words of encouraemnet are needed!!! I wanted to thank the creator of this blog, your message came at the right time for me, I needed to know that I am not alone, that there were others who have seemingly turned a negative situation, into a postive, learning, and growing experience. Maybe, with a little patience, time, counsel, and understanding, I can do the same too.

Monday, July 26, 2010 8:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"TOO MUCH FOR ME", I was diagnosed at the end of last year and have struggled with the same feelings that you're expiriencing. It is all so overwhelming at first. You feel ashamed,dirty, and especially upset with whom ever gave it to you since men usually do not have symptoms. But it gets better over time trust me! I wish I had done this sooner but once you start reading blogs about other people with the virus you feel far less alone. And especially looking at the statistics--basically EVERYONE has it! The only difference between you, I, and "them", is that we know we have it so that we can warn our partners of the risk before hand, whereas they don't know they have it and yet they keep passing it along to other unsuspecting vicims.

If you're worried about getting into a new relationship and having to tell your partner that you have it, don't. I told my bf last night about it. I was worried about how he'd react, but I had done my research and I figured, "hey, if he can't accept that I have a tiny little flaw than he isn't worth the time".

Whenever it gets time to telling someone about it just stay calm and act like its no big deal--because it really isn't, its just a minor inconvinience. Well anyway if you wanna know how it went, I was alone with him after spending the day together and I asked him if he always practices safe sex. Blah blah blah then he said why do you ask....well I said "safe sex is important to me because I was unlucky with my ex and he gave me herpes." You know what he said? "I still love you, we'll just have to work through this" I felt like I was on a cloud! If someone truly cares about you then they won't have a problem with it.

So anyways just remember it gets much easier in time. You're right, you don't deserve this, none of us do. But there are FAR worse things. It is very managable and you CAN continue life just the way you did before you found out you had it. Don't let it damage your self esteem because there is NOTHING wrong with yourself. You are the victim, the person who gave it to you and who will probably continue giving it to others is the one with no self-esteem. Do not be disappointed in yourself because this is not your fault.

Just for a start, 1) make sure you research it as much as you can. and 2) spoil yourself a little, get a massage, soak in the bath, get your hair done. Whatever you do, just don't let this bad news constantly poison your thoughts because it is not the end of the world. Its just a little virus.

I hope that helps a little :) If you want to talk more just let me know. Good luck.

Monday, July 26, 2010 2:50:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Anonymous who posted: Monday, July 26, 2010 2:50:00 PM

Thank you for responding to "Too much for me". You expressed my exact sentiments.

Too much for me....hang in there. It takes time to wrap your mind around living with herpes. You are so very lucky to have the internet to research and talk to others and to read other people's stories. When I was first diagnosed, I had no one to talk to or anyplace to privately research the virus. I've learned so much over the years, but only after I was able to communicate with others.

One thing I tell everyone.... before you can be ok w/telling someone else, you need to be ok with hearing the word herpes yourself, so say the word outloud several times, even if in private. It's amazing what feeling comfortable saying and hearing the word can do for you.

Be well.

Monday, July 26, 2010 5:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Too Much for Me said...

Luanne and Anonymous...

Thank you for your words of kindness. You both are so correct, this is mannageable, and it is not nor can I allow it to be what defines me as a person. I am not HSV2, I am a human being who happens to be living with it. Luanne, I am working on the verbal exercise of saying "Herpes" aloud. It is difficult, but I know the more I say it, the less the word seems to weigh on my psychi.My goal is just to get educated on the virus, stay menatlly and physically positive, and just try to live my best life. We're all worth it!

Thanks for the support, it trully means a lot to me!!!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010 4:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to the doctor and I might have herpes...I can't even explain how I feel...I've been looking up all the information I can on it and even told my ex-partner to get checked and he started playing the blame game...He went as far as threatening me...I know how he feels because I was upset too calling him out of his name and telling him he gave it to me but then I realized that it doesn't even matter anymore...I've been talking to a few guys (nothing sexual) and I've gotten to a place where I think my life is over...I feel like I will never get married, never have children, never find someone to love me despite this...I don't even want to talk to these guys anymore just because I don't wanna have to tell them...My friend thinks I might need some kind of counceling...HELP..

Wednesday, September 22, 2010 9:40:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

anonymous from Wednesday, September 22, 2010 9:40:00 PM

Your life is NOT over so please don't feel that way. It's just a bump in the road. You won't die from this, it's simply an inconvenience. Maybe you should find someone to talk to about this, especially someone who specializes in STD's and issues that people have in trying to work through it. But seriously, take a deep breath and come to terms with it. Finally, have you gotten the final result from your doctor? Wait until you know for sure. Trust me, you'll be just fine. :-)

Thursday, September 23, 2010 5:42:00 PM  
Blogger Ericka Kayne said...

this article was a life saver. im talking to a guy right now. we've yet to sleep together because i've never slept with anyone without teling them first. This one, i'm nervous about tho. He's joked about the matter, not knowing I have it, and has emphasized how important his health is to him, so its hard to believe i'm not going to get rejected. But your blog, especially this post, reminds me of the strength i'd forgotten i had. November 2 will mark my 5th year with herpes but my 1st year dealing with it as a truly single girl. It had been so long since I told anyone. so thank u so so much for writing!

Saturday, September 25, 2010 1:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I recently found out I contracted HSV-1 of the genitals 6 months ago. I litterally had 3 small bumps and thought it was razor burn until they didnt go away after a few days. I showed my BF at the time and we were both clueless, therefore had sex and he got herpes. He ripped me apart and made me feel so belittled and gross and even worse it was my birthday. He did appologize and we worked it out, but it still left me so terribly confused cause the last guy I slept with was over 2 1/2 years prior. But since I had the "first" symptoms we both assumed it was my fault.The Doc said that it can remain dormaint and a certain lifestyle change or stress brought it on. So yes I felt so dirty everything I touched felt like I would infect I became highly depressed and wanted to die. "How can this happen to me?". My BF and I broke up and not looking for it I started seeing this other amazing guy. I still havent accepted the fact of my herpes and even saying it freaks me out. I wouldnt sleep with my new man and he respected that, but I still didnt have the courage to tell him. 3 months still no sex but our feelings are very strong. One night of drinking and all that "waiting" for my courage to tell him went down the drain. We had sex. We did use protecton but the way I felt in the morning was awful. How can I tell this great guy now after I sleep with him that I have herpes? He's very understanding but now the respect is gone. I still havent told him and now am more afraid then I was before (him being the first guy I would have to tell). I'm so lost with what to do, I feel like I should just stop talking to him. But also I'm so nervous of the phone call I could get from him if he got herpes. I'm trying to make myself feel better by saying I didnt have any signs or symptoms and only had that 1 outbreak,HSV-1 outbreaks are less then HSV-2 and we did use protection. SO what are the chances? But I know in the end if I want to be with this guy I'm gonna have to "man" up. What the heck do I do? Or Is there an easier way?, does easy even exsists?. Help!!!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010 4:36:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from: Tuesday, November 02, 2010 4:36:00 AM

First of all, you're not alone in this and chances are this new guy has not contracted the virus, but he could have. You just have to be brave and say it. If he cares for you as much as you say or think, then he will be understanding. People who don't have herpes have NO IDEA how difficult this is to speak the words, let alone tell someone. You can do it though!! You need to come to terms with it within yourself.

Re read this post and the responses to comments and other comments and you might find some insight as to how to address this "after you've had sex with someone". Don't ignore it. Grab the bull by the horns and just tell him. Trust me, I know how hard this is to do, but you have to do it. Each time you tell, you gain strength within yourself.

You mentioned how you can't even say the words yourself. That's one of the biggest hurdles you need to overcome. I tell folks ALL THE TIME...say the word herpes outloud to yourself over and over. It gets easier to hear each time you say it, which then makes it easier to tell someone else. Sounds kind of strange, but trust me, it helps so much. This virus will NOT kill you or anyone else. It is an inconvenience, but not life threatening.

Did you ever consider that maybe your previous boyfriend had it and didn't even know it? It's very possible. You had to get it from someplace and he might not have known either and god forbid if he had it and didn't know either.

It is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change the fact that you have herpes. Just own it and tell. There's no rush to have sex in any relationship and trust me, they'll respect you more if you tell them prior to having sex. Heck, I even feel guilty if I haven't told if they go further than what I sometimes think is too far.

And yes, I guess you have to "man up" lol - I'm sorry, that comment has already gotten old in my ole political world ;-) But yes, I think I said the same thing earlier, but yes, you just have to "do it" and you'll be OK.

Keep me posted and let me know what happens.

Good luck.
Luanne

Tuesday, November 02, 2010 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

Erika, what ever happened with your telling experience?

Tuesday, November 02, 2010 11:20:00 AM  
Anonymous So Worried said...

Reading all these experiences gave me some hope and some made my eyes water.

After my first love was murdered when I was 20 I never had sex or entered a relationship until I was 25, intimacy was is hard for me. I met a man who I thought understood that. He was asymptomatic and gave it to me last august. He felt guilty and I cried a lot but stayed strong because he was hurt too. I thought we would get through it together, 5 months later he broke up with me by stopping all forms of communication without an explanation. When I did get a hold of him to ask questions he would call me names, yell at me. His personality completely switched, even now I get anxious, nervous and twitch when I think about him, because of how scary and terrible he became. With the anger and stress I started breaking out every month. I was emotionally weak, I felt like I could never trust again.

5 months ago I met a guy who knows I’m fragile, he’s honest and sensitive he has been hurt as well, so we’re growing close as friends taking our time and being honest about what we can or cannot handle right now. I’m surprised about how much I care for him in a short time. Like a few of the comments I have read, we drank and slept together 2 weeks ago. I never told him then I slept with him again this week what we share is so nice I don’t want to ruin it, weather or not we end up getting serious I do want him in my life in the future but now I’m contemplating ending the friendship because I doubt he will ever forgive me, and the thought of him contracting it would hurt even worse.
He is not my bf and he very well may never be, but how do I come clean after two sexual encounters and when he thinks so highly of me……….

Saturday, November 20, 2010 7:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

EMERGENCY!
So, I've had herpes for about 2 years now.. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He was the one who gave it to me. I found out I had it a month after we started having sex. He said he didn't know he had it.. I believed him. The breakup is/was unrelated to the virus.

I started to get to know a new guy recently. He's very nice.. Anyway, we got too drunk last week and had sex.. unprotected!!!!!! I know.. I know.. I should have told him the mistake the next day but my dilemma is that I've never had to tell anyone and I'm not sure how to approach it. I know he has a right to know.

The problem doesn't end there! So I just found out that he's leaving Sunday and is going to be gone for an entire year!.. Question: Should I tell him. If I do, it has to be tomorrow. HELP ASAP!!!

Thursday, December 02, 2010 7:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So this year has been a terrible year for me. Not only did I find my boyfriend of five years sleeping in my bed with another woman, I also contracted genital herpes. Two weeks after I found my boyfriend cheating on me I was obviously very depressed. I moved out of our home (we bought a house together two years ago) I booked a trip to Las Vegas with my girlfriends to get away and try to start forgetting about my ex and what he had done to me. I was not even in Las Vegas for a day before I was date raped. I was blacked out for 8 hours before my girlfriends had to have the police and hotel security find me. The person who did that to me has be taken care of but this whole experience was very very traumatizing. As soon as I got home I went to my doctors and I was tested positive for my virus. I am not sure who gave me the virus whether it was my ex or the person who date raped me in Vegas. Either way I have it and am having a hard time dealing with it. I only have had one initial outbreak. It has been 7 whole months since this has happened to me. I have dated a few men which I have not had intercourse with. I did not have to tell any of them about this because I decided I did not like them enough to have sex with them or even trust them enough to tell them about having herpes. I live in a suburb where every one pretty much knows every one. So I am terrified to date some one, think that I like and trust them enough to tell them about my virus, and then them freak out about it and tell people about me having it. So here is my dilemma now…. I have been seeing a guy now that I really truly like. I actually used to date him 5 years ago but broke up with him for the ex that cheated on me (yeah big mistake I know). I have been seeing him for 2 months now. We talk every day, see each other a few times a week, and really enjoy hanging out together. He knows my situation that I was cheated on but does not know about what happened to me in Vegas. I have been intimate with him but have not had sex with him yet. Intimate meaning he has touched me with his hands down there but that is it nothing further. Again like I said I have not had any symptoms since my first initial outbreak. I want him to be my boyfriend, I kind of feel as if is already, but I am terrified to tell him. I know that time is running out on me because he is going to wonder why we haven’t gotten any further sexually. I have known him for so many years I know he is a good guy and I also know he has not had that many partners. I am so scared of so many things, to rejected by him, that he will tell our mutual friends, and be mad at me for getting so close to him before I told him. He is a great guy and I am almost certain he wouldn’t slander my name in any way but given my history with men I find it terribly hard to trust any. Why would he want to be with me knowing I could give him something he could be with his entire life? Especially if we did not work out, I did break his heart before years ago so he may be having issues trusting me already. Also I am worried since we have been a little intimate( touching no sex though) he may be mad at me for that as well.. I have not had to tell a potential partner yet so it is terrifying for me. I do feel very dirty knowing I have herpes which I know is because I haven’t accepted it yet. I feel like I have just gotten my life together from everything else that has happened to me this year. I know I will have to tell some one eventually unless I plan on being alone the rest of my life. I really do care about the guy I am seeing and can see us having a future together. It is comforting to read others stories on here. I just though I would share mine as well to let others know they are not alone and also see what anyone thinks of my situation.

Saturday, December 04, 2010 4:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Saturday, December 04, 2010 4:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Saturday, December 04, 2010 4:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok, here's my dilema.....I have had herpes for two years and am in a relationship of three. My ex husband of 14 years has the virus as well and it's my belief that is where i contracted it and it reared it's ugly head for me when i was alone while my current bf was in iraq. My current bf knows and has been preety good about it, however now our realationship is turning sour for other reasons and he is now threatening to tell everyone I have it if we break up. I'm so torn up over this, how do you deal with this???

Thursday, December 09, 2010 10:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Em. said...

I haven't been diagnosed with herpes yet, but I am pretty positive that I have it.
Three months ago - the last time I had sex - I had a one night stand, and I straight up asked the guy if he was clean, and he told me he was. Last month I discovered small bumps on my vagina. I became a wreck and sobbed for hours.
I went to my doctor, but the bumps had disappeared by then so he couldn't tell me anything.
Recently, I was at a party and my friend matched me up with this guy. We got very drunk and hung out all night, and then we ended up having (protected) sex.
The next morning I had a sore on my vagina. I thought it might just be sore because I hadn't had sex in a while, but after examining it I really believe it is a blister.
I am so upset and scared that I might have given him herpes. I wanted to try to start up something with him but now I feel I could have screwed up my chances if I have passed something on.
The guy who I'm sure gave it to me lied to my face, and now I feel like I may have just done the same thing.

Everything I read on the internet doesn't feel relative to me. All of these women seem to be in relationships, and I have never had a relationship (which is mostly my choice). Even now, as I write this, I feel worse about myself because the only time I have sex is with casual hookups, and obviously that has to stop completely.
I'm only 20, and all I can see ahead of me is a life of being rejected because of this.
I won't be able to see a doctor for a while, but hopefully he can give me a solid answer next time I go.

I suppose this post may not tie in to everything else, but I've had this on my mind and this blog felt like a comfortable place to share.

I appreciate anyone reading this, and it does make me feel better to see how many people actually have herpes. It's too hard to talk to people who don't.
Thanks for reading.

Sunday, December 19, 2010 7:24:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

anonymous from Thursday, December 02, 2010 7:19:00 PM

First of all, I want to apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I didn't have a good answer for you, so I inquired amongst others and they were so rude about the situation and I thought, WTH, this girl made a mistake. I'm curious to know if you ended up telling him afterall. You're not the first person who has gone through this and knowing how bad you felt afterwards, I suspect you've learned your lesson. Honesty is the very best policy. Chances are, he DID NOT get herpes from you and yes, he'll probably be angry, if/when he finds out. Sure, what you did was wrong, but learn from it. For all you know, he could have had herpes too. Good luck.

Thursday, December 30, 2010 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Saturday, December 04, 2010 4:45:00 PM

Thank you for sharing your story? Did you finally muster up the courage to tell this guy? He sounds like he's a keeper and will still love you no matter what. He'll appreciate the honesty,

Thursday, December 30, 2010 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Thursday, December 09, 2010 10:14:00 AM

No bad relationship is worth suffering through no matter what. When they pull the threaten card, thats' a huge signal to get out of it, no matter what. Whether you live in a small town or big town, if people know or hear about it, you just have to take the attitude of "whatever"!! because you are so much more than herpes. Don't let that become your prison. Seriously, I don't think he'll do that to you because whoever he tells, might be hesitant of him as well because heck, He could have it too!! Right?? :) Hang in there.

Thursday, December 30, 2010 2:33:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

Erin, did you find out for sure? Sometimes what we think is herpes is not. They can run a blood test on you even if you're not showing symptoms. For peace of mind, check it out, then you'll know for sure. Then if you are testing positive, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Don't borrow trouble by assuming :-)

Thursday, December 30, 2010 2:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was diagnosed with herpes right before Christmas 2010. I don't have a story or anything, by some miracle my guy has chosen to stay with me (and also miraculously, his test results came back negative,) but I wanted to say that reading this blog post and comments have really helped, so thank you. Happy new years, as well!

Monday, January 03, 2011 3:56:00 AM  
Anonymous r85 said...

My story goes back to 2006 with a very sore initial outbreak and a lying boyfriend (ex soon after, but not for this reason!) who told me he had chlamydia (i was negative for that)! Hmmm. Anyway, the doctors didn't test me then as I'd had the outbreak for too many days. Over the next couple of years I had occasional sore spots - I didn't think much of it till I went for a check up in 2008 with a spot and my swab came back positive. I was very emotional about it. I told my boyfriend at the time with tears. He seemed ok at the time and quite supportive, but a month later I found out he had been checked and was negative and didnt tell me he was getting checked and he shortly ended our relationship (apparently not coz of the virus, but it was bad timing!). We got back together a few months later and broke up in 2009. We always 'played' safe and as far as im aware he is still clear. I was curious if it bothered him and he told me that he wasn't bothered about it at all! Ive been on suppression for a year and a half and im finding it really helpful! I was getting lots of outbreaks and since going onto that it made me feel much happier in myself. I've been single for a year and have recently met a lovely guy! I'm dreading telling him, but keep thinking to myself that it's only herpes!! It's a cold sore!! It could be much worse! Why do we all get so worried about it! Alot of us have it and don't know!! Anyway watch this space! I will be telling him before we do anything sexual as I think honesty is the best thing! I would like to know! :)

Tuesday, January 04, 2011 7:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I found out almost a year ago I have herpes, I had always used protection and can count on one hand how many people I have been with and still got the virus, needles to say I was devastated, I felt dirty and alone and for the past year have pretty much done everything in my power to stay away from men, just so I wouldn't have to admit my problem. To this day the only person that knows of my herpes is the doctor. But now I have been talking to this guy for the past few weeks and hes such a wonderful guy but I don't know if I can ever find the courage to tell him about the herpes, to have him reject me, even if he accepted it I don't know if I would ever feel comfortable being with him for fear that I would pass it on and ruin his life like I did mine. I know I'm rambling but I have no one else I can talk to about this and I needed to get it out somehow...thanks for listening!

Wednesday, January 05, 2011 7:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So I found out today that I most likely have Herpes-2. Waiting for the blood test, but the doctor was very certain.
Silly enough I called both my parents sobbing. 4 months ago my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me and we got tested when we started seeing eachother (both with a clean bill of health) except for my Herpes-1/cold-sores. Which I've had since I was a kid.
I've been with two guys since my boyfriend broke up with me. One guy (the one I slept with) was a dud and the other one (Who I haven't slept with) is, well, amazing. I met him on new years and he really likes me but we live so far away from one another. He was going to come and visit me on valentines day and he would be the first partner I 'come out' to. But I don't know, I'm really broken up about this. Do I wait the 2 weeks for the test results to tell him? You see, we hooked up new years eve (didn't have sex), but I wasn't showing any signs until last-night/today. And I'd want to tell him in person, but in person means he'd be coming all the way over here to see me, and what if he has a negative reaction??
Any help or advice or anything... thanks.

Thursday, January 13, 2011 3:45:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Monday, January 03, 2011 3:56:00 AM

Glad to hear your guy is accepting of your situation. Hang in there. It's not the end of the world.

----------------------------------
to R85 - I had read your email when you posted, but hadn't had a chance to get back to respond. Tell me how things have been doing. We react to this virus because we are afraid that we will be judged and rejected because of our herpes, but if someone really likes and wants to be with us, they too will realize that herpes is simply a virus.
-----------------------------------
to anon from Wednesday, January 05, 2011 7:57:00 PM

You're life is not ruined my friend. Having herpes just is a way of getting you to slow down and make better choices. You have to look at having herpes in a positive way. What you need to do is get comfortable with hearing the word "herpes" come out of your own mouth and to allow yourself to hear it. Say it over and over outloud to yourself. You'd be amazed at how much easier it gets. Educate yourself about the virus, but don't beat yourself up about it. It happened. It is what it is. Life goes on. Hang in there and if you're reading this message, feel free to stop back by and give me an update.

--------------------------------
to anon from Thursday, January 13, 2011 3:45:00 PM

And who says you have to have sex right away with this new great guy. Heck, you might actually meet him in person and find out that you really don't have that much in common. Don't feel like you have to have sex w/someone to keep them interested. Keep me posted.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011 6:58:00 PM  
Anonymous r85 said...

Update - all went fine! And we have been intimate since i told him (protected though! My choice!). Not as scary as i thought and he was very chilled about it! Honesty is the best policy!

Sunday, February 06, 2011 3:51:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

R85 - I'm so glad for you. If the relationship progresses to something more serious, I suspect he won't want to use condoms any more, but using condoms is probably your best bet for now.

I totally agree "honesty is the best policy" and I bet you felt like a huge friggin' weight had been lifted off of your shoulders when you let him know. Kudos to you :-)

Luanne

Wednesday, February 09, 2011 5:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I caught HSV1 over a year ago now, I was sixteen, I hate the fact I was so young. For the first year I continued to hate myself, I was in denial, pretended it wasn't happening, thought no-one would ever love me etc. I was then diagnosed with depression which I'm still struggling with now.

I'd just thought I'd share some of my thoughts that I had last night, basically I've been one of the lucky ones - only one outbreak (not even a bad one)and everyone I've told has been perfectly fine about it.

I currently really like someone which is such a big deal for me. He's so lovely and I trust him, which is a good sign. I'm biding my time to tell him as I want to make sure how he feels properly, I know he likes me though! I'm just going to go for it, it's been the worst year of my life and it will continue if I don't get a grip. Herpes does not define me, I am so much more than that, I did not deserve it at such a young age but I will deal with the consequences and move my life forward!!

And if he rejects me? So what! I am a stronger person because of herpes, it has made me emotionally mature and I feel I can take whatever life throws at me!

Sunday, February 13, 2011 5:55:00 PM  
Anonymous R85 said...

Luanne -

Hes already suggesting unprotected sex, but im not sure im ready for that just yet. I have been unprotected with others, but i hadn't been diagnosed at that point. And i haven't been unprotected since. Im currently taken supression meds. I know there is a really minimal risk - 1% or something silly like that (same as taking the contraceptive pill!) when no outbreak is there and on aciclovir, but id like to make sure he is serious before jumping in to that!

Thanks for this blog! Its fab and made me feel so much better for reading it!

Sunday, February 13, 2011 6:45:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Sunday, February 13, 2011 5:55:00 PM

first of all, I'm sorry that you contracted this virus so early on, but I'm so proud of you for being so brave and realizing that this is is just a virus. Your attitude is fantastic!! Chin up friend.

Sunday, February 13, 2011 11:36:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

Hi there R85 :-) You take it at your own pace and just keep reminding him that you need to do this for yourself and for him and work through the whole process. He needs to understand how much guilt you'd most likely feel if he does contract the virus. No rush, there's lots of time for unprotected sex and it will be worth the wait if he's patient with you :-) Hang in there and think positive.

Luanne

Sunday, February 13, 2011 11:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every comment I read makes me feel worse.
I knew I had it, met an amazing guy, couldn't tell him as I didn't want to lose him but we started having sex protected, everyday I was trying to force myself to end it with him, then one night he got drunk and he took off the condom without me knowing.
He then found out he had it and I still couldn't tell him and I denied it, it caused a wedge between us obviously until I couldn't live with it no more and told him 3/4months later. He didn't want anything to do with me cos he hates liars but I begged him and pleaded cos by then I had fallen for him.
He decided to give me a chance after I said I'd make it up to him and show him that I'd change wldnt lie to him again.
We was seein each other for a year and I thought we was getting there, I thought I was showing him something but a few days ago he said that he didn't wnt to do this anymore as I hadn't shown him I was sorry enough or wasn't doing anything extra to make up for what I had done.
There's no way I could make up what I have done. I HATE myself, I won't ever have another boyfriend again, I won't go through this again. I just hate the idea of being alone for ever. Its such a lonely thing. I have only told one friend a few months ago wen I was suicidal over this.
Every problem has a solution except herpes. :(

Friday, February 18, 2011 12:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had herpes for about two years, I'm not sure who I got it from as I was having unprotected sex with about 4 guys at the time.

I then started dating a new guy and my symptoms started when I had been with him for a few months.

He had already contracted it from me without me knowing I had it and because of this I never really had to think or deal with the pressure herpes puts on you when you are single and wanting to date! We were together for over two years and I felt bad of course, I can't believe he still holds it against me and at times hated me for it.
This is why I understand how important it is to be upfront with future partners or get tested before you have unprotected sex.

So now I am single and wanting to date and although it is tough, and yes, I think about having to have the "talk" all the time ( even though I am not interested in anyone new) I am also excited to have my first talk and can't wait to get it over with!

I will be able to deal with whatever reaction I get as I am confident in myself and having the virus doesn't bother me as I hardly show symptoms, it's what other people think of it that bothers me. The stigma's, the jokes, the judgments that are so unnecessary, ignorant and for the most part uneducated.

I have been reading many comments from woman like me. Woman who are fearful, brave and everything in between but what I feel would really be helpful would be if we had some men post on here!

Why are there no men? I want to know, from a mans perspective what would they think of dating a girl with herpes if they don't have it, how often do they tell their partners if they do, and what are the best things someone could say when telling to make them less fearful of a relationship with herpes?

It is with this information that I feel I could really make progress in understanding what the reaction of my partner to be will be and creating a "telling" story that fits me.

Ps on a comforting note, when my boyfriend and I broke up I felt very alone as he was the only person in the world who knew I had it and we were no longer talking. I went for lunch with my best friend and she said she had to tell me something important. What that ended up being was that she had just been diagnosed with herpes. It feels really good having someone I can talk about it with again ( especially now that I'm single and will have to tell more people) One in 4, one in 4.

Monday, April 25, 2011 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from: Monday, April 25, 2011 4:51:00 PM

I hate to tell you this, but even though it does make it easier to get that first talk over with, there will be other talks that you have down the road, some will accept and some will not, but at least you can be proud of yourself and hold your head high for being an honest person and taking the high road. You will not die, nor will anyone else die from your herpes virus. It can be a literal pain and the stigma which society has about it, will most likely never change. You'll always get those people who think it won't happen to them and that they think they're better, but you have to look out for you. It is what it is and now you need to move forward. I'm now back at the point where I may have to tell someone new and I'm thinking I might have to do it this weekend and I will if I feel that we may be taking it to a new level. And of course, I'm going through my mind, how do I tell, where do I tell and when do I tell. We have a road trip planned so do I tell before we drink wine or let the wine be my truth serum to take the edge off.

You're attitude is wonderful for this, so I suspect you'll do just fine :)

I agree that it would be great to have a few more guys "seeking support". I know they are out there, maybe just not posting on a public blog??? Who knows, but they're here for sure. I'll have to make a post, just about that :-)

It's amazing how comforting it is to meet and/or know someone else in your close circle who also are going through the same thing. It's the greatest support system that you could have. How did she react when you told her? Good I guess. You were her sounding board and hit the jackpot. You helped her too :-)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Friday, February 18, 2011 12:02:00 PM (blogger put this into a spam folder -sorry-)
I'm sorry that things didn't work out with your guy, but I suspect there was more to it than just herpes, because if he has it already, why should that be an issue, other than the honesty part. If nothing else, you've learned a valuable lesson through all of this, how important it is to be honest and up front. It's NOT easy for sure, but it's something that needs to be done even if only to protect your self respect. I have found that lying by omission only does make things worse in the end. If you're an open book, guys will certainly respect you, even if they don't want to have sex with you. Sounds like your first step is to get used to living with herpes for yourself. Wrap your mind around it and accept yourself as you are. You'll be ok, but some of us have to deal with this in baby steps. It's all good. Hang in there and this is not the end of the world and you will find the right one for you who will love and accept you for the honest person that you are or will become in this regard. Maybe you should look into some local herpes support groups and/or have the talk w/someone who you are close with, family, friends. The only solution is you and how you learn to accept yourself and realize this is not the end of the world or dating scene. Living with herpes IS NOT the end of the world. Chin up.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011 10:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had herpes for 30 years. My exhusband gave it to me when I was 21. I have been divorced now for over years and I am trying to date again. That in itself is difficult.

So far two men have rejected me when I told them I had the virus and I was not hysterical about it. My husband never got the virus on his genitals, only fever blisters. And we had unprotected sex our entire 30 year marriage...how does that happen?

Anyway, I know that I need to tell the gentlemen I am seeing now. He is on vacation now in FL. Do you think I should bring it up over the phone or wait until we are face to face? I am afraid to wait until he gets back because we are soooo close to becoming intimate. I think we will as soon as he gets back and that would be really bad timing.

I am on Valtrex and becoming more comfortable with saying "Herpes" these posts have really helped alot.

Thank You!

Sunday, May 01, 2011 3:31:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Anonymous from Sunday, May 01, 2011 3:31:00 PM
Dating is always an adventure on it's own w/out all of the extra baggage we tend to bring with us. It's just another thing which we need to be up front about when getting to know someone (before sex of course) :-) It's never easy but it has to be addressed.
Keep telling, eventually someone will respect you enough for your honesty and find that you're worth being with. And staying calm while telling and not being histerical is also very important. It's nothing to fear, just something that if you're really not into a person completely, then it's not worth the risk. I don't tell too soon, because it's important for a prospective mate to know you for you and that you are not HERPES, because we are NOT HERPES. Also, it's not a horrible thing to wait for too long to tell (as long as you tell prior to having sex). The only horrible thing about it is that you could have another outbreak while you're stressing about telling. So let it go, get it off of your chest and it will free you.
Fever blisters are herpes, however many people don't realize it is and many people will say, oh, "it's just a cold sore", but trust me, cold sores are herpes too.
The guy who is in Florida.... I believe that the best way to tell is "face to face". That way, you can see their true reaction and they can see yours and hear how important it is via your tone of voice that you share this information with them. It will either work or it won't. You've waited this long. Believe me, you will be given alot more credit for being upfront and honest than to never tell him at all before having sex. Trust me, he'll be more angry with you if you "don't tell him". Just do it and move forward. If he really cares and loves you, then he'll be ok with it. He might even surprise you and say that he has it as well. It's so important to have these talks, but we women tend to feel the need to tell, much more so than the guys do.

Yep, keep saying it.........

Herpes, herpes, herpes :-)

Good luck and let me know how it went, good or bad.

Monday, May 02, 2011 12:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Luanne,

Thanks for your help. I had to bring up the whole herpes "talk" over the phone due to where the conversation was leading. I was calm, he seemed to be calm. We talked about it for about 5 minutes that then he wanted to change the subject. We said good night. I texted him the next day and told him that I would give him some space so he could think about it. And stated that herpes does not define me. This is day 2. Haven't heard from him.

How long should I wait before I contact him? Or should I even bother?

Kiki(the Florida vacation guy)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

anonymous from Tuesday, May 10, 2011 10:55:00 AM

Sounds like you only told him on Sunday. When is he returning home? How long have you been dating and has he always talked to you at least every day in the past? You told him you'd give him time and space so do that :-) If he's accepting then he will contact you, if not, then you know. It's never easy.

Let me know how it goes.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011 5:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am very conscious about my sexual health and do HIV test every year. I was told by a friend that there is a specific test for herpes, so i went and did the bood test. I just found out yesterday that i have herpes.

Since yesterday i've done nothing but research how to tell this guy i'm now seeing. I really like him, we've known each other for years now but just start seeing each other seriously since December.

Last week we had sex for the first time. I insisted on the condom, but the third time around he ran out and we had sex without.

Now i have this new information which i must tell him. He says I sound sad and he is concerned and coming over to see me, i decided to have the talk when he comes. Like everyone i'm worried about his reaction and i hope he wont think i had this information prior to sleeping with him.

I am extremely nervoius and researching every site and blog, to help me do this. I haaven't had any noticeable symptoms, the time when i did, the doctor said it was an infected hair folicle.

In my mind this is synonimous with AIDS and he will see being with me as a death sentance.

God, I'm so scared.

Friday, May 13, 2011 7:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Luanne said...

Well, first of all, tell him exactly what you just told me, that will be the easiest and best way to address this, esp. because you didn't know before hand. Heck, maybe he gave it to you?? You know, anything is possible. Good luck and let me know how it goes. Now the fact that you had sex w/out the condom and knew, then that might be where the issue might come into play. I know that when I first was diagnosed, but was in denial and that was pre-internet days so I wasn't able to openly/freely read up on it and find other people in the same boat to gather information and experiences about telling and being diagnosed. It's all so very overwhelming, so I understand your fear. So much more than you know. I still go through it each and every time I have to "have the talk".

One thing I can tell you is that you won't die from herpes. It is Just a Virus. You need to come to term with it first, before you can expect someone else to. Not to worry, chin up. You'll do just fine :)

Luanne

Sunday, May 15, 2011 12:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have had herpes for a while now. I still haven't accepted I feel like an monster. Unlike most of you all guys like me until I inform them of my situation. Rejection makes everything worse for me. Plus I do not know of anyone else closely with the virus. My Q is how do you continue to love your self after being infected and rejected?

Friday, May 20, 2011 8:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Read the "it doesn't change a thing" post and felt such hope. But it was not the case for me. Just lost someone because I told the truth. Even tho it hasn't effected me a day in my life, I have HS1. All because I was stupid enough to trust someone who cheated on me. I finally find someone wonderful, tell them, they run. So upset.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011 11:30:00 PM  
Blogger antoine1 said...

SITUATION, ive started hooking up with this guy, weve been hooking up for about 3 weeks now. we hang out a lot and have a lot of mutual friends. three days ago i had a herpes outbreak on my mouth. its my first one ever[i used to get sores as a child but not like this]. i didnt realize what it was when it first appeared cause it wasn't full blown. he and i made out and i went down on him. since, ive been avoiding him and i went to the doctor today and she told me it was herpes [without a test, just based on looks]. Don't know what to do...at all freaking out. don't even want to get out of bed. fear of being yelled at if i tell him, fear of him telling our friends, fear of the stigma of it. WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO

Monday, June 20, 2011 8:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay so I was diagnosed with HSV1 about four months ago. I have only had one serious outbreak, which is when I found out. I have not had sex since. I recently began talking to an old boyfriend from back home (I am away at college). My birthday is coming up in August so I planned a trip to the beach. Because he has never been to the beach before I decided to invite him. It is just me and him going, we are staying at my sisters place. But I am worried that him being an old boyfriend he is probably assuming we are going to have sex while at the beach. Personally I want to, but obviously I am extremely nervous about telling him. He is buying his plane ticket on Monday. Should I tell him over the phone before he buys his ticket? or should I wait to tell him in person before we leave? or do I wait till we get down there and see where it goes from there? Who knows, we may not even end up having sex, and then it'd be a complete waste to tell him. I just don't know what to do.. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Please help a girl out.

Friday, June 24, 2011 12:10:00 AM  
Anonymous freaking out! help! said...

HEELLLPPPPPP!

I feel horrible! I've had herpes for about a year and a half now, I got it when I was 15. I met this guy about a month ago and I got caught up in the moment and we had sex(protected), but we've been having sex since then and its been unprotected.... I haven't had any symptoms, I've only had one outbreak since I found out I had it. I know I have to tell him but I can't find the right moment and we just get caught up in the moment at the most unexpected moments and I feel horrible and dirty. He hasn't shown any signs of having it but I was his first and he always says how I'm so great and how much he likes me. I feel so guilty and I don't know how to tell him without conpletely destroying how he feels about me. He is the best thing that had happened to me and the only guy who has treated me right and actually cares about me as an actual person, not just "arm candy". We've started dating and things are getting serious quickly and I can't deal with hurting him and him running away from me but I'm so scared that I might give it to him! Please help me, please!

Monday, July 18, 2011 2:58:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from: Friday, May 20, 2011 8:20:00 PM

You just do learn to love yourself again. It's mind over matter. We are all so much more than herpes. You have to get used to having herpes yourself before anyone else can become comfortable with you having herpes. If you make it seem so horrible, then they will pick up on that feeling. Having herpes IS NOT horrible, it's simply an inconvenience.

Time heals!! :-)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Wednesday, June 08, 2011 11:30:00 PM


Trust me!! They don't always run. If they run, they most likely weren't worth it anyway.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 3:56:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

antoine1 - I'm sorry this is the 1st you've heard back from me. Ya know, having herpes "is what it is".

What has happened since?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 3:58:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

anon from Friday, June 24, 2011 12:10:00 AM

I am so sorry. I thought I had responded to this because I recall reading your post.

Whatever happened? Did he end up coming to visit you? Did you tell him over the phone in advance?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 3:59:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to "freaking out"

You need to just let him know that there is a possibility that you could pass herpes on to him or possibly already have. If he stays, then all is well, if he doesn't, at least he'll know and hopefully he won't be super negative about it. I KNOW it's NOT easy to tell, but the more you do it, the easier it gets to tell in each relationship. He does need to know, but you already know that. Say herpes out loud to yourself a few times so that it's easier for you to hear for yourself. People have the hardest time saying the word out loud, but be strong. Chances are, you have not passed it on to him. Let him know that you want to be honest and that something has been bothering you and you feel extremely guilty for not confiding in him sooner. I'm thinking he most likely won't be very happy with you, but you will feel better for having let this weight off of your shoulders. Tell him :-)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 4:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this amazing blog!!!
I too have been thru all the drama, the diagnosis, the misery, and recently found out my husband of 20+ years has been cheating essentially my whole marriage (where was I, who really works that hard?) anyway, turns out the herpes just happened to show up around the same time he started to cheat. I had gone thru the bewilderment, anger etc. alone, because he maintained his innocence until very recently. When I worked out the timing with my mysterious first herpes outbreak I thought my head would explode, but in a strange way, I now feel better, like it's not my shame. At least on good days. It's very freeing to give all that shame away, to the whoever who gave it to me.

Fast forward. I have connected with an amazing person who lives across the country from me. I really like him, so it's making the will he handle it gamble seem worth it. When do I tell him? In person, after he meets me and we like each other? In case of a no chemistry moment, and because, shallowly, I wish to improve my chances by having that personal connection? I was thinking of giving him an envelope with his airfare in it.
Or do I tell him before he buys a ticket? It seems like cowardice on one hand to go electronically but on the other more upfront too. Like the guys / gals who shared with us all were so honest, but hey, we take the higher road, right?
Please help with this, I see I am not the only one who struggles with this one. Thank you again for this wonderful blog, it has helped so very much.

Friday, July 22, 2011 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon: Friday, July 22, 2011 7:10:00 PM

thank you for your kudos.

ok, in regard to the guy. Is he willing to pay for the ticket? If he's just coming for a bootie call, then maybe he needs to be told. If he cares enough about you, he'll appreciate you telling him, even if he's already there. I say go for 'chemistry', heck you might find that you don't even like him that way. Don't focus so much on telling right up front. Just don't have sex before you tell. Good luck and keep me posted.

Luanne

Sunday, July 24, 2011 2:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again, Luanne, thank you for all your effort.
Out of town boy has a relative to visit out here, so worst case, I guess he sees more of his relative. Plus, it's a vacation spot, not hard to be here.
I have been really hard on myself about the whole telling thing, you are right. His job has him around bars/parties all the time, for all I/he know(s) he's pos. And maybe I am going to be the inspiration to get tested, guys think they are invincible.
He is saving his cash for a ticket. I think I would feel better about waiting if I gave him the cash at the moment of telling, and if all goes well, it's spending money.
We started being friends before the whole sex thing came up, I am hopeful. I just don't know if I can handle "just being friends" after rejection, which makes for my agonizing. I know, it's herpes he's rejecting, but it's me that gets hurt.
Thank you for listening!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011 9:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was diagnosed with HSV2 this past March. I had just graduated from college in December and soon after, started my a job in my career field. The transition was so much more difficult than I ever expected it to be and the herpes diagnosis made things even worse. I am not a promiscuous person, by any means, which made things even harder to accept. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions, constantly up and down, accepting and then in denial, angry and then sad.

What's worse, is I know that the person who infected me lied to me about having it and continues to infect others, knowingly. It feels like I have a world of responsibility on my shoulders on top of everything else. I thought that I would just focus on my career and not involve myself with anyone..and of course, as it always does happen at the most inconvenient times, I met someone.

This is the first time that I have been tasked with telling someone. At first, I thought that I would just keep it to myself. I take medication everyday and I thought that if I just made sure to wear protection, I wouldn't NEED to tell him.

Well, we slept together (with protection) and now I'm sure that I made the wrong decision. The "what if he gets it" has constantly been on my mind. I just keep trying to tell myself that I only had one very mild outbreak and I have been on medication and used protection. But now, as the relationship progresses, I feel like I've betrayed him. Even though we have only been together once, it still weighs very heavily on my mind. Now what? I know I need to tell him, e has the right to make an informed decision about being with me. It should be his choice to put himself at risk, I have no right to make that choice for him. Now, I'm worried that he won't trust me. Where should I go from here?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 1:17:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Tuesday, July 26, 2011 9:19:00 PM

It's the possibility of being rejected which is the absolute worst feeling, but we women do that to ourselves. Just tell him when it's appropriate and take it from there. You can do it and you'll feel so much better getting it off of your chest.

Good luck. Keep me posted. You're right, he could be positive too. You can always just start the conversation by talking about STDS in general. That's how I have done it in the past.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Wednesday, July 27, 2011 1:17:00 AM

ouch, but I do understand taking the gamble and being so afraid to tell, but you NEED to do it. Chances are you DID not pass it along to him, esp if you weren't having any symptoms. Read through some of my other posts and comments as others have done the same thing. You just have to do it and relieve yourself of the stress. As you probably know, stress does seem to trigger herpes outbreaks.

It is what it is and you honestly felt that you were protected (meds and condom), but you're right, he does need to know. Good luck and please let us know how it turns out for you.

Luanne

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 12:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey everyone, I just found out I have genital herpes, and it's been the scarriest week of my life. I'm a 20 year old male, and I recently met a girl I like. We havent gone on any dates yet, but I'm scared to tell her I have something since we haven't started really dating yet. This girl told me she likes me too, and I just want to know what to do. I'm honestly terrified of what my future holds, and I just need some kind of support. I don't want to burden my future wife or children with this virus. Thanks for the help everyone

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 1:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi,
first I want to say that I am so grateful for this site cause it has helped me so much i met someone I really like and have yet to tell him I have herpes 2 i was so nervous bEfOrE i read everyones blogs but now I feel confident I have curious tho being that I have genital herpes can I spread it threw kissing? I havent had an outbreak in years. the other night we kissed and I'm really worried cause I dont wan him to get anything we havnt had sex or anything.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011 2:11:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Wednesday, July 27, 2011 1:05:00 PM

Take your time, get to know her w/out the sex part. Don't feel like you're going to "burden" this gal. What's the rush in having sex? I mean, I understand liking sex, but if I were you, I would want to make sure that this person really was someone who I wanted to spend my life with.

Slow down and breathe. You'll be just fine.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Wednesday, August 03, 2011 2:11:00 AM

As long as you don't have oral herpes (ie: cold sores are oral herpes), chances of passing genital herpes is slim to none. Mind you, I'm not a Dr. but based on things I have read, you won't pass it on via general kissing, be it heavy or light kissing. When you get to the "wanting to have sex" part, you just need to tell prior to sex. Chances are, at that moment, you won't be contagious, but you need to let them know, even if only to relieve your stress and be honest :-) You can do it!!

Wednesday, August 03, 2011 11:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found out about my condition, i haven't told my ex-partner or any of my past boyfriends about it. However there's this guy who I have been seeing and he's such a great guy he's not like anyone I've ever meet before. I want to perhaps see where our relationship goes but I must tell him first. I need advice on how to do this. I have a feeling that he will understand i'm just scared of being rejected (for the first time) - I feel like if I am then it will be the ending point of my love-life and I can never be honest with a man again. Please help.

Thursday, August 04, 2011 1:27:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Thursday, August 04, 2011 1:27:00 PM

Read this post over again and all of the comments. Everyone is or has dealt w/the same demons and fears when it comes to "telling someone that you have herpes". There's nothing new I can share as far as experiences and how I would do things. Knowledge is power, so learn about it and move from there. Seriously, there are some awesome tips on this post and 90 some comments back and forth as to what to do and what not to do.

Good luck to you. Personally, I don't think it's necessary to tell past partners unless you are still sexually involved with them. Were you able to determine when you contracted the virus? If they got it from you or you from them, there's not much you can do about it at this point.

I wouldn't jump right off from the get go and blurt that out. Give him a chance to get to know you and you need to get to know him. You might discover that he's really not "all that". No one says you have to have sex right out of the gate.

An easy way though to open up the subject is to talk about STDS in general and prior to this talk, you need to "hear" the word yourself, so practice by saying the word herpes out loud so that YOU are comfortable hearing the word. Keep me posted and good luck.

Friday, August 05, 2011 10:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been diagnosed with herpes in May 2011 and it has been really hard for me to deal with in the beginning. I contacted it from my ex that did not know he had it. I have been dealing with this issue by myself and I have no one to talk to about it. I have recently meet a really nice guy and have been talking to him for about 2months now. I really like him a lot but we have not been intimate yet. The topic about sex comes up but I sometimes try to change the subject because I want to tell him so bad that I have the virus but don't know how. I hate rejection and I don't want him to judge me or stop talking to me all together. I see a future with him but I don't know how he will feel about me once I tell him. I just don't know what to do. This is the first time that I've even spoken about herpes other then to the doctor that diagnosed me. Please help me I am at a lost right now!

Thursday, August 11, 2011 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Thursday, August 11, 2011 12:33:00 PM

Believe me, I totally understand your fear of "telling". You mentioned that

"This is the first time that I've even spoken about herpes....

In my opinion, as you will read from many of the comments above. You need to hear the actual word yourself before you can become comfortable saying it, so start saying it "out loud" to yourself, over and over. My best approach has always been to talk about STD's in general so that you can find out his opinion and knowledge about the topic. Do you feel comfortable with the ins and outs of it, because sure enough, he will have questions, unless he already knows all about it. Heck, he could already have it too. Don't be afraid, you're better off telling now and getting it out of the way. If he doesn't stay with you, then if nothing else, he should appreciate your honesty. Hold onto that thought and do the right thing as I know you're wanting to do.

Good luck and keep me posted.

Friday, August 12, 2011 10:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanted everyone to know, that we should all feel good about a cure soon!

Research online about Bryan Cullen's work at Duke University. He and his team were even featured on CNN. They are only a few years from a cure for Herpes! The problem is because of spending cuts from the government they need donations to fund their pre-clinical trials!

We can all help by donating and spreading the word!

I started @BeatHerpes on Twitter, please follow.

Also we should all donate.

Go to https://www.gifts.duke.edu/

In the Other Donations blank put Professor Bryan Cullen account 3990310

If we all spread the word and donate they may be able to get a cure even faster!


Stay up beat everyone! We can live with this for now and a cure will come soon!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 3:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello again..this is anon from Thursday, August 13,2100 @ 12:33p

I wanted to give you an update on my wonderful progress! Like I said previously that Ive never told anyone or even spoken about herpes other then to the doctors that diagnosed me, well I got the guts to call my mother in which whom I share everything with. Like I expected, I broke down on the phone with her, but she was very understanding and told me everything that I needed to hear. I explained to her that I wanted to tell my new guy friend but didnt know how to go about doing it so she gave me some advise. The next day I told my friend that we needed to have a serious talk and it will determine if we were going to go further into a relationship or not. We were sitting outside in the car, I was so nervous the palms of my hands were sweating and I found myself trembling and my stomach was doing backflips. Finally I just let it all out and the response I recieved blow me away! He told me its not life threatening and when you really like someone its certain things that you will deal with. He also said he accept my child and he accept me even with having herpes and that it will not change anything and he respected me for being honest! I felt so good after telling him because I thougth that this was the end but this is only a new beginning for me! I do have one question...if I am not having an outbreak is it likely to pass the virus with oral sex? Or if I recieve oral? Thanks for your previous encouraging words!

Saturday, August 20, 2011 3:00:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Saturday, August 20, 2011 3:00:00 AM

Very best choice to tell a family member as your test run in the telling story. I'm sure that helped A LOT!! :-)

ha - I know all about the sweating hands and butterflies in the stomach. I so understand what you were going through as you were about to "have the talk". Good for you :-) I'll bet you feel like a whole weight has been lifted off of your shoulders :)

See, honesty speaks volumes for our character, even if it's not the best honest news that one could receive. As he said, it's not life threatening. I'm so glad he's understanding of the situation. Open minds are sometimes hard to come by.

In response to your question:
I do have one question...if I am not having an outbreak is it likely to pass the virus with oral sex? Or if I recieve oral? Thanks for your previous encouraging words!

Honestly, I'm not a huge believer in asymptomatic shedding and I think that's what you're referring to.. I personally think it's something which pharma's and Dr's push as a reason for folks to feel as though they need to "live on meds for life". Pftt!! I don't necessarily believe it. If you're feeling the tingling sensation or feel as though you're getting ready to have an OB or definitely in one, I would certainly refrain, but if you're feeling great, I personally don't hesitate to engage in oral sex at all. For me, living with herpes is kind of a gamble, but only because I'm not a Dr. and could be totally wrong, but again, I have my doubts and I don't worry too much. Now if the receiver or giver doesn't know about my status, then I would be concerned. Enjoy getting to know your new guy better. Now you can relax and concern yourself with more important things in life :-)

Sunday, August 21, 2011 1:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I have had G.Herpes for a few years now. I got it from an ex-boyfriend. I have been single since we broke up. I dedcided that I wanted to get into a relationship and decided to join a dating site. I have met someone and though we live in two different states We have been chatting and getting to know each other for almost a year now. I know he is who he really says he is as i've runa background check. He has been genuine and completely wonderful to me and we are planning on meeting up some time soon. I think we have spent alot of time and effort in getting to know each other and we have discussed that we'd both like to have a family. We have also discussed about being intimate. I haven't told him that I have HSV and I want to so bad but I am scared of him rejecting me. Should I tell him before we meet or should I tell him when we meet? Would really appreciate your advice. Thanks.

Sunday, August 21, 2011 7:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Jessi said...

I was diagnosed with herpes dec 2010. When I found out I was depressed and embarrassed since when I was diagnosed my mom was in the room with me as well. At the time I was still in a relationship when I told him I ha herpes he was totally fine with it and actually comforting. Since then I have broken up with him. I have come to find out he knew he had it all along which make me super mad. I am now talking to some one new we met online and we live in different states and he is an amazing guy. Like the ones in Disney movies not even joking he surprised me by booking a flight here cause he know I have vacation for a week. I'm so afraid to tell him but I know I have to because he deserves to know. He makes me really happy and I just don't know what to do. Should I tell him over the phone or should I just wait til he flys down?

Sunday, August 21, 2011 11:55:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, August 21, 2011 7:43:00 PM

YOU are so much more than HERPES!! It is important that he get to know you for you, not that you have herpes. If you're comfortable telling right up front, then do it. I personally have progressed to that point in my life where I simply state it as something I live with. It's not me, but it is a part of my life and in the forefront of my mind when getting to know a new guy.

Let him come to visit you, get to know him even better. I realize you've been chatting for a year or so, but I was with a guy for a year, thought I knew him, but decided he wasn't for me and he had absolutely NO PROBLEM with me having herpes, but I wasn't happy with him, so as long as you don't have sex with him prior to telling, then I wouldn't worry so much. If you feel as though you're definitely headed in that direction, then you do need to tell him.

Have you ever had an STD talk? That's a great way to move into the subject. It is what is is. You can do this :-) Good luck to you and keep me posted.

Monday, August 22, 2011 12:32:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Jessi from Sunday, August 21, 2011 11:55:00 PM

Jessi, in regard to the "new guy", read my above response to the other poster :-)

Unfortunately, there are a lot of cowards out there. It seems as though women treat this as "something that a partner needs to know" more so than some men. Just depends on their maturity.

Join the club girl. My gifter never told me either, but I move forward. Life goes on and that's where you need to be too :-) You'll be just fine because you find that honesty is important.

It's OK to wait until he gets here. YOU ARE NOT HERPES!! He's coming to meet you, not your herpes. Herpes is just a part of our "baggage" and if he is worthy, he will understand and respect you for your honesty.

Let me know how it goes :-)

Monday, August 22, 2011 12:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been in your situtation and am currently back into the arena of having to have "the talk". I had the talk with my now ex-husband, some 8 years ago, and he was fine with it. Well, now we're divorced and I'm back in the dating world and have started to see someone, who I enjoy a great deal. I don't know where it's going to end up but I do have feelings for him and we have been quite intimate on the last few occassions (undergarments on, no sex or genital to genital contact). He isn't pushing the matter, nor am I. I thought I was over these feelings of anxiety around "the talk" but now I realize that I'm not and wondering how I'm going to be able to spit the words out of my mouth. I know sex shouldn'e be rushed but how many times can I keep avoiding something without just saying something. I already feel guilty for not telling him, even though we haven't even had sex. I know it's fear of rejection and also fear that I'll give it to him, even though my husband with whom I had child with is free of it. Am I just over thinking this? There's no way I've put him at risk if we've never even had intercourse, right? My sister and bestfriend says that I'm just needlessly worrying to worry. All advice would be greatly appreciated:)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 12:36:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Tuesday, August 30, 2011 12:36:00 AM

The comment which caught my eye was "how I'm going to be able to spit the words out of my mouth." That always seems to be the biggest hurdle for all....

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell everyone else. Say the word outloud to yourself (it's therapeutic sp?) over and over. We have to be comfortable hearing the words before anyone else can.

You can always open up the subject with STD's in general and then let him know. Don't be afraid. You're not herpes. If he's worthy, then he'll stick around. Plus, you might discover that you're not long term compatible anyway. There are so many ways to approach the topic, you just need to figure out the best way which works for you and the guy. I've told in person, via email, over the phone, via text, but again, it just depends on the situation. Sounds like the two of you will be having this conversation in person. You'll do just fine :-)

Sounds to me like you have the right attitude and understanding of living with herpes. Good luck to you and keep me posted.

Luanne

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 10:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI there, anon from friday july 22. Thank you again Luanne! I have had time to think about a few things... I am going to go there instead, for a super short time. I will get it over with, and hopefully he will handle it well.
On to the brilliant part...Maybe I saw someone else did it?

I'm thinking flash cards. All the benefits of sitting down alone with your great blog and work out something with a little wry humor and some decent info...
Card one.. I have something to say and please remember it is an act of honesty and not super easy... But I think it's worth a try. So if it's here I got the idea, thank you, and if not, hey feel free y'all. For me, it will help me to stay on target being on message and not going to the place of baggage. (tempting as it is, lol)
So, strength, humor and truth to you all!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 6:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years and he is the one who gave it to me. He says that he didn't know he had it but I think he cheated on me. But anyways, now that I'm back in the dating game I'm struggling with how and when to tell a potential partner. Do I tell them before there is ANY sexual contact? Including fingering, touching, etc? Or can I wait until the topic of intercourse is approached. I'm really trying to keep a positive attitude but its really difficult. I feel like a lost cause and i don't know how to change my feelings of anger, sadness and guilt. Thank you for your article and this message, I hope that with enough reinforcement I can begin to heal emotionally.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011 7:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found out about 6 weeks ago that I contracted type 1 from my ex through oral sex, even though he did not have any symptoms at the time. I did not even know this was possible and I cannot believe that I was so ignorant. But I don't blame him because he did not know either and I probably would still have taken the risk even if I had know that he had oral type 1 as the risk is so low. I was just extremely extremely unlucky. Because I was with him and we were in love and so happy, I was able to pretty much put the whole issue aside and not even think about it, we continued sleeping together unprotected and I have only ever had 1 outbreak and it wasn't a big deal. But now we have broken up for completely unrelated reasons and obviously I now need to deal with this issue. I need to get my head around how to still feel like a vald human being. I have not told anyone, not my family or even my best friend because I am afraid that even people that I live with will not want to live with me anymore if I tell them. It's so depressing I can't get out of bed because I feel like I will never find love again or have hope again or be able to tell anyone. I feel like I will always be carrying around this huge secret and always be afraid of getting close to people. The doctor that I saw was so relaxed about it and told me that 80% of the population has type 1 and that i cannot pass it back to people who already have type 1, but i am not sure if this is true. has anyone had this experience? also i am not sure if i casually asked a person if they had type 1 and they said yes whether i would need to tell them more early on and whether i would feel guilty if i didn't tell them more if there was virtually no risk of them getting it if they already had it?
Thank you so much for this blog its just good to know that there are other people out there.
Hopefully I will be able to think more positively about it soon.

Saturday, September 10, 2011 10:00:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Wednesday, August 31, 2011 6:19:00 PM

hmmm, flash cards? That's an interesting idea :-)

How did it go? Were you able to get it off of your chest?

Monday, September 12, 2011 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Wednesday, September 07, 2011 7:42:00 PM

Hi there. At this point, I guess it doesn't matter if he cheated or not. Unfortunately, the "experts" do claim that you can have herpes and not even know it. At this point, it is what it is. :-)

Now to the future....simply make sure you tell them before you have sex. If you can hold them off from any sexual content 'down there' you're better off doing that. Not that you would be putting them at risk, it's more of an honesty issue and being able to communicate w/someone you are interested in. No harm in getting to know someone better as a friend first. And this day and age, the topic of STD's and testing should be at the front of your "getting to know each other better" bucket list :-) You can always start the conversation in a general tone, not necessarily "outing yourself". You can do this and hang in there with the positive attitude. You'll do just fine because you are more than "herpes" and you have to start believing that of yourself.

Good luck to you :-) Remind yourself that you are most certainly more than herpes.

Monday, September 12, 2011 10:19:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Saturday, September 10, 2011 10:00:00 PM

Please don't allow yourself to feel like a leper. Tell yourself, out loud that you have herpes and I literally mean "say the word herpes" OUT LOUD!! Then tell your Mom or Dad. They will understand and be supportive. That's the best way to get back to "feeling good about yourself". Trust me, this is so helpful for you.

You have to "dump that secret". "Lighten your load". Trust me, I'm only reminded about living with herpes, because of you new folks who are struggling with the diagnosis.

Type 1 = coldsores. Do you realize how many people just write "coldsores" off as just that, when in fact, it is herpes 1. And you, you can not reinfect another person in the same place, however HSV1 can be transferred to the genital area, but only if you're actually having an outbreak. Some people claim that it can be transferred if you're feeling symptoms (ie: asymptomatic shedding), but you'll know if your body is tingling.

In my opinion, stress is the trigger as I have read the same about so many. So relax and do what you have to do. chin up :-)

Monday, September 12, 2011 10:27:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

also, if you ask them the pointed question and they fess up, regardless of their response, that is the perfect opening for you to explain your sitation. First though, you need to understand and learn about your situation. It's all good. You think about 1 in 3 people that have some form of herpes, it's really NOT a big deal. We won't die from herpes!! :-)

Monday, September 12, 2011 10:29:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to the hospital today for sores and was told by the dr he is 99.9% sure I have herpes, now just waiting on the test to show the actual results. They were never fluid filled or looked anything like what I've seen on any website. Anyway, that's all beside the point. I recently started seeing a guy and we get along great, have fun, agree on alot of things, it's going fantastic. We have been sexually intimate but not since any "issues" had started happening and I don't believe he's who gave it to me. I had no idea that I had anything and showed no signs of anything. I'm 98% positive that if I do have it it came from someone I had slept with right before him (drunken mistake). Now I have no idea how to tell this new guy who I am really into that I have herpes and I am terrified that I may have unknowingly ruined his life. HELP!!

Sunday, October 02, 2011 11:26:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, October 02, 2011 11:26:00 PM

you simply have to tell him. Explain to him what happened, regardless of whether it was a drunken night or not. It happens. Telling someone is the same for all of us, regardless of the situation. Read through the comments and the main post. You'll be just fine. If he really loves and cares about you, then he'll hang in there. You won't die from this, it's just a virus. An inconvenient one and one which we choose to believe is so horrible, but it is what it is and it's NOT the end of the world.

Hang in there. Best to tell him sooner vs. later, especially based on what you've told me about your current relationship, ie: the intimacy part. Plus it is very possible that he has it already. This could be a non-issue. Unfortunately, it sounds like you probably do have it. Keep me posted.

Monday, October 03, 2011 12:43:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, October 02, 2011 11:26:00 PM

I got your message but looks like you deleted it :-) It's all good. It'll be interesting to hear your results of your talk so please do come back and let me know. Chin up girl. It's not that bad and it is what it is :-)

Monday, October 03, 2011 4:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have just told the guy I have been seeing for about a month. I explained the situation and the facts and he seemed ok about it.
We didn't have any sex just some foreplay and now he has called to tell me he can't handle it. He spent the evening researching the internet. He think I have passed it to him and is off to the GP tomorrow.I am feeling very upset and disappointed in his reaction. This is the first person I have told since being diagnoses 1 year ago. Now he wants nothing to do with me and it make me feel I am never going to meet someone who is going to accept this.

Monday, October 17, 2011 4:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was just diagnosed about a month and a half ago. I can definitely relate to everything on this blog... I read every single post! I am almost positive I know who gave it to me, but every time I read articles about it being possible to have it for years without knowing it, then I get confused and think maybe I don't know. In one article it will say the lesions or symptoms "will usually appear within 3-7 days".. others say years. One article said you "MUST wait at least 12-16 weeks for the antibodies to build up enough to make a blood test show positive" I had unprotected sex with a guy I was seeing, then about 3 or 4 days later I noticed the lesion and went to the doctor the next day. I got my test results a week later and the blood test came back positive. Now, just last week I had the follow up "talk visit" with my doctor (yea, an entire month later.. BS isn't it??!!) and I was discussing all this with her.. and she said my blood test showed it was a "new infection" and that it is possible for it to test positive even only after a few days, and no more than 6 weeks. Does anyone know anything about this? I would just like to know for my own sanity... not because I want to go confronting anyone. The last partner I had before this one was 7 weeks before.. so now I really am not sure...

As for feeling dirty and ashamed.. I have been dealing with all that but reading all this makes me feel better. I am not dating anyone right now, so as my mom says, I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there, however I AM stressing about it already... (about telling someone) The guy I was last with who I think I got it from, we saw each other for about a month and a half.. hung out a handful of times. I made the mistake of having sex too soon in the "relationship".. then found out he was seeing and sleeping with other girls besides me.. things kinda just fizzled out and he stopped talking to me, and he is with someone else now. COOL!

Monday, October 17, 2011 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Monday, October 17, 2011 4:39:00 PM

If nothing else, you did the right thing in telling him. Now the ball is in his court. If the relationship is worth it to him, he'll be back, if not, then you're probably better off. Good luck and keep me posted.

Luanne

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Monday, October 17, 2011 9:50:00 PM

first of all, I wouldn't dwell on who you got it from or even how long you might have been "living with this virus". It's not worth it unless you know for sure. I do believe though that the "majority" of people, do experience the symptoms shortly after the exposure, but that's just me :-) Sometimes I wonder if we're not told about the possibility of infection much earlier than an outbreak because I believe they truly don't know, even though they claim the blood tests can tell. Who knows? :-)

Dr's visit - a month.....I'm sure it seemed like an eternity for you, but more and more dr's need to simply convey to their patients how to deal with this and to understand the fear and shame that one experiences when first diagnosed. There needs to be more "herpes friendly" doctors but most of them agree w/those of us who have been able to move on and cope to realize it's truly not a big deal or the end of the world, but they need to convey that to their patients to give them some sort of peace and or to direct them to online support groups. Thank goodness for the internet where we can reach out to others who are in the same boat.

I'm glad that you've found some peace in reading the different comments. Now you need to get out and actually meet others in your local area who are also going through the same thing. It gives you so much peace to really really know that you are NOT alone. I have a post on this blog which talks about meeting others with herpes. Check it out if you haven't already. It's a refreshing realization :-)

Did you ever mention to the last guy that you were with that you contracted the virus and that he should get himself checked out? Might not be a bad idea to at least let him know, even if he doesn't admit that he has herpes or not.

Practice having the talk with yourself first, outloud. Say the word herpes over and over out loud. It's amazing how much easier it gets to hear the words for yourself and for someone else to hear it from your lips down the road.

Good luck to you and keep me posted.

Luanne

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger Anonymous said...

I have been seeing a guy for about two months now, and we have just recently become exclusive. I was completely terrified of telling him I had genital herpes because I really like him. I made the mistake of sleeping with him without telling him my status first. I felt so guilty afterwards that I ended up calling him the next day and telling him my status. He was completly shocked and thought I was joking, he asked me several questions and then told me he needed to do his own research and then would call me back. I thought this might be a good sign because he was being open, but after he researched he asked me a couple more questions and then just stopped talking to me. I gave him another day and then asked him what he was thinking. His response was pretty nasty like what do you mean you have an STD and didn't tell me until after the fact. I completely undertand where he is coming from so all I could do was apologize again and tell him that I really like him and want to be with him. Now he says he has herpes and doesnt want to talk to me until he gets his test results back. I do feel better now because I've told him but I feel awful at the same time because I've hurt someone that I care about. I don't know if he will come around later or if I should even wait for him to come around? This is my first time having to tell anyone since I was diagnosed a year ago. I need some advice on what I should do next or how I should feel right now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 10:27:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon: Wednesday, October 19, 2011 10:27:00 PM

first of all, we're all human and sometimes make mistakes that we regret and feel horrible for, but what done is done. Not much else I can say on that front. I've done it as well, ie: none of us are perfect. Chances are that you didn't pass it on to him, so hopefully for both of your sakes, he did not contract the virus. If he did, that's another issue and let's see what happens from there.

It sounds like you're like the rest of us, either where we were at some point or where some still are in dealing with having the talk. I'm thinking you've probably already read my responses to others in regard to saying the word "herpes" out loud to yourself. It makes it so much easier to have the talk, if and when the time comes to do it. I'd just let him deal with this issue and if he does have it, then at least he'll have someone he can talk to. Just listen to him if he does call you back. If he doesn't and doesn't have it, then it is what it is. If it's meant to be it will be. Hang in there girl and smile. You haven't given him a death sentence, even though he may "feel" as though you have. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Luanne

Thursday, October 20, 2011 9:52:00 AM  
Blogger anonymous said...

Thanks for your advice. He did call me back and was being friendly with me, but it's like one minute he's friendly and the next he's angry or being nasty. Ultimately he has decided that we're okay but he cannot be in a relationship with me. He may still change his mind or he may not, but I don't think I'm going to wait for that decision. I've apologized several times and answered all his questions openly, and there's nothing else I can say or do to change what happened. I just worry this is going to make it even harder for me to tell the next person because I didn't get the reaction I was hoping. What are things other people have done to get over this fear? I won't say rejection because it's the herpes he rejected and not me.

Friday, October 21, 2011 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Friday, October 21, 2011 10:43:00 PM

You just did things a little bass-ackwards is all. Next time, you'll be determined to tell before you, as anyone would see it, is "put them at risk". Even though you didn't tell right away, you did eventually tell and to me, that takes more guts than telling prior. Give him time, if he realizes that you are not HERPES, he'll return. But this peace and anger, combined all in one conversation concerns me. I'd just let it be as far as he's concerned. Now it's time to take care of you and get ok w/YOU :-) You'll do better next time.

Luanne

Saturday, October 22, 2011 1:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need advice, i've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. and i just recently found out by blood test that i carry the herpes virus. i know my boyfriend hadn't given it to me because we NEVER had unprotected sex. and i suspect it to be 3 years ago when i lost my virginity to my ex, that was the ONLY time i had unprotected sex. and all it took was one time. well now, im really unsure how to tell my boyfriend. im really nervous, but i really want to tell him. but im so scared. i just dont know how.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 10:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

by the way, i forgot to say that im asymptomatic. and i never had any symptoms for this long. so i had no idea :(

Tuesday, October 25, 2011 10:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all, thank you for this blog!! I think I've read just about every comment on here and can totally sympathize with everyone.

I'd greatly appreciate your feedback on my situation. I contracted oral herpes (HSV 1) from a college girlfriend nearly 7 years ago. She never told me she had it and truth be told I don't think she even knew she did. In any case, it was incredibly traumatic for me and as a result of it, I haven't been intimate or kissed another girl since. I just can't seem to get over it and just push women away when it comes time to 'kiss' them.

I only get a sore about once a year and usually pretty mild. Sometimes I think a sore is coming on, the so called itch / tingling that people talk about, but honestly it could just be my mind playing tricks on me since the feeling stops 30 seconds later and nothing ever develops.

Okay, my problem. I've been out with a girl, whom I really like. Enough so that I'm actually considering kissing her despite my fear. We've been on two dates and now she's invited me over to her apartment for dinner next week. We haven't kissed yet, though, I suspect it's time I do otherwise she may think I'm not that interested in her.

I really don't know what to do? Should I tell her before I kiss her? Since I haven't had a cold sore in over a year, is there even much of a risk that I'll give it to her? I started taking valtrex 6 months ago, not to reduce my number of outbreaks (since I only get one a year anyway) but rather to reduce the risk of transmitting the virus. Does this really reduce the risk? I don't know what to do and I'm on the verge of freaking out. I really wish I had my life back :(

Friday, November 11, 2011 6:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS PAGE. I was diagnosed with herpes today. It's been a very emotional day ofr me as I feel revolting, like a leper, and that no one will ever love me. I'm in a predicament, also.

I have cold sores on my mouth (HSV-1 I'm assuming). I had a yeast infection early this week and, uh, yknow scratched it or interacted with my vagina in some way. I was unaware of my cold sores at that point, all i had was an ulcer on my lip which i kept touching out of curiousity unaware that it can be contagious. It's possible that i self-contaminated.

However, at the same time, I had sex with two different guys this weekend. I didn't use condoms with either (i'm on birth control). One was entirely new, and a sweet, gentlemanly guy I've been talking to for two weeks. We had had sex prior to this, but with a condom. The other guy is a booty call who i've had sex with countless times without a condom, who says he gets tested regularly but also has sex regularly with various partners.

The other scenario of contraction is that i had the cold sores in my mouth (i could have gotten them from stress, etc.) and by performing oral sex on guy #1 and then having unprotected sex with me i could have self-contaminated that way, but also contaminated him.

What do i do? i'm an emotional wreck. i really really care about guy #1 (not the bootycall) and i'm driving 10 hours to see him before he is sent to afghanistan for 7 months. I'll be with him for two days in a hotel room and things are bound to happen and i'll have to say something. i dont think our 'relationship' is stable enough to handle this information and he will go off to war with the thought of having possibly contracted herpes and hating me. should i lie to him and say i can't have sex cause i'm on my period/yeast infection/something else and avoid sex all together, then tell him when he comes home in july when he won't be emotionally compromised? the genital ulcers are still open and i began taking valtrex yesterday.

someone please please please help me

Thursday, December 01, 2011 4:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello I am responding to the last post left on December 1st. I am not sure if understood if you had both oral and genital herpes. Either way, if you really care about the guy and you only have this brief time with him, I would not tell him if you were not having an outbreak at the time. I would enjoy the time that you spend together. If he is going to Afghanistan I assume that though he is brave, he is probably still very young and maybe niave about STDS altogether. The worst thing with herpes is the ignorance. Perhaps you could tell him in a way that gives it a comparison, where he sees how little the herpes is compared to other things.

There are two ways that this can go:
If he is truly a brave, intelligent soldier, something as minor as herpes should not stop him from loving you and enjoying a healthy sex life.
If he is a niave, ignorant, young soldier it is likely that he will have a presumption about the virus that will prevent you from being with him in the future. If he truly is this way, you would'nt want to be with him, right???

I am sorry you are experiencing sores. If you are determined to make the drive to see this guy, do it and only mention herpes if it feels absolutely right. I think it sounds like this relationship is still very new, perhaps you met online??? And I would not risk a new connection by disclosing the information too soon.

What if he comes to see you and has a wonderful time AND contracts herpes unknowingly??? He will continue to his deployment, he will get medical treatment, and he will have first hand experience that the disease is'nt really that big of a deal. Of course it is more likely since you are taking valtrex that he would not get herpes at all, would have no idea that you have it, would have a wonderful time with you getting to know you for the wonderful woman that you are. Then at another point in your relationship you could tell him when it felt right.

You are more than this virus. I have HSV2 too and I have been devastated by the news. But I think when you realize how many people have it, you also realize that there are many many people that don't have it, who also understand it and know that the risk is not a big one, especially if you are in a loving relationship.

Monday, December 05, 2011 10:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just started to see a guy. We started the relationship off by having unprotected sex. Afterward I went to the doctor to get put on the pill and for std tests. I just got the results back showing I have HSV2. Now I have to tell him that I have it and that I had it while we were having unprotected sex. I feel bad, if I had given it to him I would feel awful. I kind of want to just not tell him since he has already been exposed. I have never had an outbreak that I know of. I know I need to tell him and don't think I could continue the relationship without telling him, the guilt would just eat at me. Please I need advise.

Saturday, December 24, 2011 1:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I have gh even though I Yves never been tested ( thank God for the internet) but I only recently roundabout. I have had two partners since then excluding my current partner. The two people before I knew I had herpes I had unprotected sex with and I'm really scared to tell them I feel like the worst person in the world . One of the guys I took his virginity and I'm scared if I tell him he will get upset other himself or call held services on me and I will get put in jail'. And my current partner and I practice safe sex we always use condoms and never have intercourse when I have an active outbreak . I Gabby told him because I really like him and I don't want him to leave me . Please help.

Monday, January 02, 2012 1:21:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Dec 1st - I'm so sorry that I missed your post and am now just responding. I'm curious to know how things went. I hope that you told (not the booty call guy) but guy number one that you have herpes. It's the right thing to do.

to anon from Dec 5th - thank you for trying to help the above poster but I do disagree with the choosing not to tell part. Can you imagine if things go well for she and this guy and then he does contract it. How in the world can you have an honest relationship when you start being dishonest right from the gate. I'm sorry, but I don't agree with that part of what you said :(

And to the poster from Dec 1st - it's possible to move your virus from lip to genitals but it's also very possible that you simply contracted the virus from either one of these guys. Just because one is a "great guy" and the other is just a "booty call" doesn't mean that either of them are exempt from living with herpes.

Fortunately, it's NOT the end of the world and you will survive this.

Thursday, January 12, 2012 3:19:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

wow - I have been wicked lax here! I am so sorry if some of you have been patiently waiting for a reply..... I'm sorry to those of you who are having a hard time with this virus. I know, been there, done that.

to anon from Tuesday, October 25, 2011 10:16:00 PM

sounds to me that you honestly had no idea that you were a carrier and that's all you need to say to him. You've apparently never had an obvious outbreak, but you could. Because you "know" then you do need to tell. You'll feel better for it.

==================================
to anon from Friday, November 11, 2011 6:33:00 PM

again, I"m apologizing. I try to do so much better at being responsive. I'm curious to know how things have progressed. I'm hoping you explained to her that you found out that the cold sores you are having are actually herpes and you probably knew that cold sores were contagious, but because the word herpes is now attached to it mentally in your mind, then you're scared and I totally understand. You just have to explain your hesitation. Heck, she might even say she has or gets them as well. Good luck to you. chances of passing it on from kissing is pretty slim (in my humble opinion) unless you can feel a bump starting to happen. Stress will bring it on and what better way to stress than worry about having an outbreak. Dang, it's a vicious cycle. Just be happy. I kiss all the time when I can - hehe - and I've probably had mouth cold sores -aka: herpes 1- in the past, but have never really been "diagnosed" with having it, just HSV-2 genitally. I don't believe so much in this asymptomatic crap. Personally, I think it's a fear tactic, but others would argue against my opinion, but that's just me :)

==================================

to anon from Saturday, December 24, 2011 1:10:00 PM.....just tell him exactly how you told me via this blog. If you honestly didn't know, then how in the world can someone hold you accoutable, let alone yourself.
==================================
to anon from Jan 2 -

I'm not quite sure what question you're asking. The two people that you had sex with.... do you expect to have sex with them again in the future? If you don't, I wouldn't worry about it, just let it go. If the situation comes up again, just let them know that you now know for sure that you have genital herpes. It is what it is and you need to let it go and let them know if you need to let them know. It's a little late now to tell them. Don't fret about it. I'm thinking you haven't told this new guy yet who you are having protected sex with? The bottom line is, whether you're wearing a condom or not, you COULD still pass it on to him. You REALLY need to let him know. It's only fair. :)

Thursday, January 12, 2012 3:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello I have hsv2 and just had a pap and the result was LSIL and a note that said I had to get a colposcopy. I am very nervous about this procedure, has anyone here had this procedure before or know a website link of how to prepare for it? I am nervous and afraid it will be very painful. Thanks for any help, my procedure is next Tuesday.

Friday, January 13, 2012 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Friday, January 13, 2012 12:04:00 PM

you said "LSIL and a note that said I had to get a colposcopy."

Are you saying you are being tested for HPV?

Thank you.
Luanne

Saturday, January 14, 2012 6:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Story...I have lived with herpes for nearly 20 years. I contracted the virus from my husband in the early 90's, and while it was a devastating shock at the time (I recall my Dr saying 'it can open a can of worms...)we both accepted our diagnosis in the knowledge that we both had it. At the time, I consoled myself with the thought "I was always going to catch it" as here I was happily married to a man who "apparently" was unaware he had the virus and as in all long standing relationships condoms were eventually going to go by the way side - if only to start a family. Two beautiful children later, and having discussed herpes openly with my husband and Dr on many occasions (risks when giving birth naturally etc)I felt like I had incorporated this dreadful "burden" maturely and openly into my life - if only into the confines of my marriage. Never have I breathed a word of it to any family member or friends. It was always just my husband's and my private information. Fast forward to now...my husband left me 18 months ago after he sought a string of extra marital affairs - I never knew :( I now find myself feeling "newly diagnosed" with the virus as I face life as a single girl with the knowledge that I will one day have to tell someone else. I have really appreciated reading ALL the blogs, and they are so honest and helpful...but I guess I just needed to put down in print that even though I have no special man on the horizon and havent had at all since my separation (busy mummy!) the thought of having to tell someone really frightens me and has, if I was honest, held me back from pursuing anyone for me yet. I know I have to be honest. I want to be honest. But, like you all, I am scared...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012 11:30:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Tuesday, January 17, 2012 11:30:00 PM


I can only imagine living with herpes for 20+ years and not "talking" about it. Although, I kind of did it that way too, but I was simply in denial and wasn't married. I just didn't know enough about or understand it enough to "deal with it".

You too will learn how to wrap your mind around it now that you need to start having the talk. Give yourself time, it's a process.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012 11:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My new years present was my first outbreak of herpes 1 but in the genitals. Had oral sex and he didnt realize and I didn't realize he had a cold sore. Well what a surprise when I had in my opinion the worse outbreak known to mankind. Not a way I wanted to begin my new year. I talked to the one I got it from and he's very apologetic. He wants to be with me but I don't know what I want. Unfortunately I met someone else that I feel is better for me. He's wonderful. We have not had sex although he has wanted too. We have been talking for a month and been on many dates. We hang out lots. He told me yesterday he's fallen for me. Now I know I have to tell him. I'm so sickened! A cold sores ok but not down there it's not. All the jokes about it and now I have it. I'm loving life right now. I guess I've kept the other one (guy) around just in case this one rejects me. That maybe wrong but I'm lil lost right now. Il be telling him sometime this week. Need the courage and right time. I know I'm an amazing person so much a virus wanted to attach itself to me. Haha. I have hope things will work out in the end one way or another. I will say this sucks but my lifes not over just another hurdle. Good luck to everyone! If youre down things will get better. There's so many of us out there. We happen to know we have it. I'm done rambling. Wish me luck!

Friday, January 20, 2012 8:53:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Friday, January 20, 2012 8:53:00 PM

And he will fall even further for you for your honesty and if he doesn't then, it wasn't meant to be :-) I'm guessing because this is so new to you... first of all, I like your attitude, now you just need to feel comfortable saying the word Herpes or I have herpes, out loud :-) I'm thinking you might have seen that mentioned several times through out this blog :-) Take your time and of course, good luck :-)

Saturday, January 21, 2012 11:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are going to hate me... As will my boyfriend. I was diagnosed with it 7 years ago. I never told a sole except my first boyfriend of 2 years who I must of contracted it from. After that I had 3 long term partners I have never told. They have never caught anything. I've been with my current partner for 6 months. The guilt is causing me constant panic stress and anxiety. I'm constantly worried he will contract it and I'll ruin the love of my life. What do I do. How can I tell him. What if he leaves me? He is my whole world and I'm deathly scared of losing him. No judgement towards me please. I'm sincerely asking for help

Sunday, January 29, 2012 5:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a wonderful website, thanks so much for your help. I have just found out I have herpes and had unprotected sex with someone a week ago. I know it wasn't from him, my ex has recently told me it was from him. I have only had sex with this new guy once and I had no symptoms at all until 4 days later, with burning and blisters. Will he have caught it from me? I've read alot on asymptomatic shredding, but I really felt fine, until four days later. I know I probably should but am questioning whether I need to tell him?? Isn't it very unlikely for him to have caught it and it will save me great embarassement. I don't know if that is less worse than leaving it until he comes to me with symptoms? But it's been over a week now and wouldn't he have them by now? Ah I really don't know what to do, please offer some advice :)

Sunday, January 29, 2012 11:21:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, January 29, 2012 5:21:00 PM

first of all, I won't hate you for being human. Others may say you're a horrible person and all that, but what's done is done and I've done it myself, prior to understanding that "supposedly" we can still be contagious (asymptomatic shedding) and not even know it.

So with that being said.....

you just need to tell this new guy and you need to do it for you. You'll feel so much better if you tell and hopefully he won't run the other way, but it sounds to me that you can't live with yourself knowing that you're keeping this secret to yourself. Just find the courage to tell him and just do it. At this point, you'll have to "suffer" the consequences if he chooses to leave and he'll most likely be angry that you didn't tell him prior. Heck, you might even discover that he has herpes too.

Just do it and move on with your life. Trust me, I know it's not easy. There are many telling stories listed through out this blog in the comments section.

Hang in there and keep me posted.

Luanne

Monday, January 30, 2012 1:01:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, January 29, 2012 11:21:00 PM

first of all, I'm sorry for your diagnosis, but it is what it is.

I believe that if you will be seeing this person around and/or anytime in the near future I would definitely let them know that you only found out "after" you had sex with him. He most likely won't believe you, but if it's true, what difference does it make. You would have had no reason to do the research on the virus until you had been diagnosed. Because of the shedding issue, it is very possible that you passed it on to this person, but then again, you might not have. He might not have symptoms ever or for years down the road, although most infections let you know almost right away. Maybe he does have it and is afraid to confront you about it as well.

Just things to think about.

Monday, January 30, 2012 1:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wrote on here just couple weeks ago. I'm the one that contracted virus on new years eve. Well, I was sick to tell the new man I was seeing. I started pushing him away for fear of him leaving me. He wanted to talk one night because he noticed something wasn't right with my behavior. I decided to tell him. To my surprise he said "so! That's not going to stop me for wanting to be with you!". I couldn't believe it! He was so supportive! Hes amazing! I cried like a lil girl, lol. I felt so much better telling him. It was scary as hell but I'm glad I did. Thank you for this blog it has helped so much!

Monday, February 06, 2012 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Monday, February 06, 2012 10:18:00 AM

congratulations - I am so glad you were able to get it off of your chest. It's so freeing isn't it. Glad he was ok with it too. :-)

Tuesday, February 07, 2012 2:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, I feel like I have the same story as everyone else. I have herpes. Got it from a horrible ex boyfriend 2 years ago. I still completely hate him. (whole different story) new problem is I dated this guy after a year of breakin up with my ex. I didn't tell him because I was too embarrassed. I didn't have an outbreak and he still got it. It was the worst moment and conversation of my life. He even said if I were to have told him at the beginning of our relationship he still would have taken the chance. But the fact that I lied about it for so long he couldn't stand it. We ended up deciding to be friends. We are still great friends. A few months After that happened I started talkin to another guy. I thought he was great. I told him and he said he needed to think about it. I left his house and never heard from him again. Now it's been 6 months since him and I'm totally into another guy. We've been talkin for over a month and have had sex after a few drinks twice now. I know I need to tell him but I'm so scared. I can't deal with being rejected again. I almost rather be single forever than be rejected. I'm 22 years old and don't deserve this. No one does. I haven't noticed any outbreaks in the 2 year since I was first diagnosed. But even sayin that it's still so hard to tell him and say the word "herpes". I've accepted it and I realize how amazing of a person I am. But I just dont understand why anyone would take the risk. I am still completely hating my ex go passed it to me after cheating on me. (great way to find out he cheated on me, huh!) I know I need to tell him. But still I don't know how. How should I start the conversation?
Please help. :/

Sunday, February 12, 2012 11:17:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, February 12, 2012 11:17:00 PM


thank you for sharing your story - so I guess there really might be something to this "asymptomatic shedding". I've always "read" about it, but have never been a true believer, but maybe it's just a momentary thing for me? You claim you weren't experiencing anything and he gets it.....so I guess there might be something to all of that. I mean, I always understood that it "could" happen, but, all I can say is that is messed up :( So anway, I'm sorry that happened to you. I do send people away with "no guarantees" :( Herpes can be such a tricky lil virus - grrrrrrrr - no fun :(

Amazing how much being reminded that honesty always wins out over "rollin' the dice". hmmm...sounds like a post....

you have to think of yourself as "more than a risk". You are you and an amazing person. Herpes won't 'KILL' you or anyone else and that' what you need to keep in mind. I can only imagine what it's like dealing with herpes at your age, but trust me it gets easier in time. You begin to learn that you are the one who is most important, but that's something you learn over time. Been there, done that :-)

Ouch on the new guy and being afraid to tell him, after already having had sex with him - that's a tricky one for sure. You have to just put your foot down and tell him. Even if only for your own friggin' sanity!! You HAVE to do it!! If nothing else, you'll feel better. He might be and most likely will be PISSED because you didn't tell him prior to "putting him at risk" but it is what it is. Tell him!! \

keep saying the word out loud to yourself and keep telling yourself how much more you are worth than herpes. YOU ARE NOT HERPES!! and you must believe that - that is the only way you can overcome :-)

Starting the conversation.....

"There is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind and it's so hard to express this issue, but because I am a caring person, I HAVE to tell you that I live with herpes. Not the end of the world and no guarantee that you'll get it, but it is is a possibility." That would be my opener...

Let me know what happens.

Luanne

Tuesday, February 14, 2012 12:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1 year ago I was diagnosed with the HSV-2 virus. Since then I have been through many stages. Anger, denial, regret, depression etc...

I noticed that this blog is mostly filled with women, but I share some of the feeling and thoughts you all have shared.

I don't want to get into how and why I have herpes because at this point it makes no difference. It's my reality now and I must live with it even though I feel I did not deserve this. I put myself at risk so maybe I do deserve this.

Anyways I am having an extemely difficult time dealing with the fact that will have to disclose to this woman I have been seeing that I have herpes. She is so imperfectly perfect. She has great morals, goals, and values. I almost feel that due to my virus I am not worthy of such a woman. How could I and what right do I have to ask someone so amazing to accept me with this flaw.

I guess what I'm getting at is from a woman's point of view how would you want to be told that a person you have been spending so much time with has herpes?

We have not been intimate and we won't be until I tell her. I am a stand up guy and would never want to pass the virus on to another person.

P.S. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, experiences, and feelings. Although I'm not where I need to be reading this blog has helped me start in the right direction.

Monday, February 20, 2012 5:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hav had herpes for 21 years. I rarely have an outbreak. I am in my second marriage. Both marriages I told my husbands. We never....ever use(d) condoms. I have never passed it on. I am very lucky that I feel pretty asympomatic. I never think about it. It's never resonated with me this concept of viral shedding....passing along the virus unsuspectingly. Personally I think it's a bunch of baloney. I think it's a concept that has been perpetuated by people getting away with saying"gee I just didn't kno"......I am contemplating leaving my husband and I'm visiting this blog because If I do I will b faced with the aweful task of having to tell someone. But I am proof that u can have a perfectly normal relationship and sex life with this condition. I wish ppl were not so afraid of it. It's been over sensationalized to the point of being ridiculous. Unfortunately, if I did not have it, I'm not sure how open minded I would b if I didn't have it and a potential love interest had to disclose it to me. Having this has made me so much more forgiving of human idiosyncrasies. My best advice is to research which supplements u can take to reduce the amount of virus in ur body, take care of urself, and just b a responsible person about it. I certainly dint ask the jerk I slept with 21 years ago to give this to me. So don't b a jerk and give it to someone else. And everyone just needs to quit being so freaked out by it. And quit perpetuating this myth that u didn't kno U had it and what not. It's not this great mystery. When u have an outbreak, abstain. Just like if u have a cold sore, don't kiss. When it's gone, resume. Really, Wat is the big deal??? Anyway, random thoughts.. For what it's worth.

Friday, March 02, 2012 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Monday, February 20, 2012 5:01:00 PM

first of all, no one "deserves" to have herpes, so don't blame this on yourself. You're human after all and you'll be just fine. I totally understand the emotions you're going through regardless of your sex.

And this woman!! Please honey, we ALL have skeletons and none of us are perfect :-) Trust me on that one, but also remember, she is human too. :-) And you are certainly not "flawed". Please don't use such degrading terms to describe who you are. YOU ARE NOT HERPES :-)

Just tell her. I have to say also, even though you might and/or will tell her, there is still no guarantee that she won't contract it. As I have said to others before you, you need to be OK with this yourself first. There could be worse things in life that you could be dealing with. Chin up, stay strong and be brave. You are not herpes!! Can't stress that enough. Be proud of who you are. If you are, then she will love you for the strong man that you are. Keep me posted and good luck

Friday, March 02, 2012 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from: Friday, March 02, 2012 9:53:00 AM

God I LUV your attitude. My sentiments exactly and experience as well. Thank you for posting. I'm also in agreement that I might not be as accepting if I didn't have herpes too, but hey, it is what it is and I won't die from herpes. It's all good.

Friday, March 02, 2012 11:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got HPV2 4 years ago; the initial outbreak was my only one and I have been on Valtrex ever since. I’m 45, divorced with a very well paid professional (executive level) job. I am attractive. I have had a really hard time dating since the diagnosis. In the summer of 2008 I was interested in someone and I told them about it before we were intimate. That person said that they could not put themselves at risk, even though I am on Valtrex and my doctor has assured me that there is zero risk of me passing it on to someone else.

I stopped dating for a couple of years. Last month I met someone on line who I really liked: smart, well-read, has the same interests as I do. We have been in contact with each other every day for a month. He’s recently separated and said that while he was not looking for a serious, long term relationship, he was interested in seeing someone on a sustained basis. Last night we had our second date and after the movie, went back to his place. We started kissing and he suggested that we move upstairs. I said no, because I didn’t know him well enough, and also because there was something that he needed to k now about me. So I told him, and added that there is no risk because of the meds. You could have heard a pin drop. He thanked me for telling him, and said “You have to understand that I just couldn’t put myself at risk like that”. He also added, “when were you going to tell me?” I was out the door shortly after that.

So…my question is twofold: 1) Twice in almost 5 years I twisted up my courage to tell two people about this before being intimate and both have rejected me. I don’t know if I can take this again. 2) At what point should I have told him? I realize that in the heat of the moment is not optimal, but I also wasn’t expecting that he was going to want to have sex on our second date. I really prefer to get to know someone before doing that. (However, it’s been a long time, I’m really lonely, and if he had been cool with it, I would have.) Am I supposed to put it in my online dating profile, and kill whatever snowball’s chance in hell I have at the best of times of finding someone? We have been in touch daily, so maybe I should have just said something like, “So my day was really busy today. I had three meetings, I have a stack of management reports to read tonight, and oh, by the way, I have genital herpes but don’t worry, you won’t catch it because I’m on meds. What’s new with you?” I’m seriously thinking about not telling in the future, since telling has not worked out the way I had hoped, but I do believe that it is morally wrong not to tell someone. On the other hand, I want to have sex again before I die.

Sunday, March 11, 2012 3:06:00 PM  
Blogger lil' c said...

Dear Luann,

I love your advice, absolutely wonderful and totally positive.

Could you advise me on a more specific case of telling a partner? I just discovered I have herpes but my partner and I have been together in a long distance relationship for some nine months, and have been sexually active (with protection) throughout. I haven't been cheating and I don't believe he has either. So now he is coming to visit in a week - do I call him now and calmly explain the situation or do I hold off until he arrives?

I understand the virus can remain dormant and symptoms can be so mild the whole thing can go undetected for some time, which I believe explains the situation I am in.

So should I give him the heads up before he arrives so he has more choice or should I wait for the face to face opportunity?

So much thanks,

c

Monday, March 19, 2012 6:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I got the virus from my first bf when I was 18. It took a while for me to come out of the initial psychological phases of the virus. Now, fourteen years later, I've come to terms with it. I even think it's because I have the virus that I have become so health conscious and readily enjoyed my life in a special way. Since I broke up with my first bf, I've had sex with 8 other men. I have been honest with every one of them and each one has accepted me as I am. We've had sex and everything has been cool. As far as I know, none of them have contracted the virus. The problem now is that I'm really into this guy. I had the talk with him about my condition. We've been dating for 4.5 months. He's hesitating about taking the next step in our dating to something more official. He says that he may feel resentment towards me or himself if he were to contract the virus. He says he is confused and needs more time. Fair enough. He wants to know how my previous partners coped with it. And he's taking his time to reflect on it. I admire this about him- high care for his body. Except I'm sexually frustrated. Thoughts?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012 7:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am 17, and have been a bit of a wild child the past year. i've slept with 8 boys, and only 1 was unprotected. now i think i have herpes. i have the symptoms. i asked the last guy i slept with, and he said he was clean. but i am really worried, and too scared to go to the doctor. i also just started seeing a guy, and we have been together for 1 month. we have not had sex yet, but we both feel we are ready to. i am too scared to tell that i think i have herpes in fear that he will reject me. what should i do?

Friday, March 23, 2012 5:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My girlfriend just told me that she has herpes after 2 1/2 years of unprotected sex.I am so piss and upset.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012 4:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok so my story is a little different.. I have this guy I really like we have been best friends for 4 years now. About a year ago we got intimate a few times but then we both went our seperate ways on dating other people. Now we have joined back together but while I was dating someone new I contracted genital herpes. I have only had one ob in the 8 months for contracting it but sense we have been friends for so long and hangout with the same crowed of people im scared to tell him. I want him to know before we become serious. Just not really sure how to tell him. I dont want to lose a best friend.

Sunday, April 08, 2012 11:03:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from: Sunday, March 11, 2012 3:06:00 PM
zero risk? Wow, I was never under the impression that it was zero risk, but hey, he's the doctor....... I personally don't take any meds for my herpes for that reason alone. I feel as though if it's not guaranteed, why waste the money?
OMG, "when were you going to tell me"? You did tell him prior to becoming intimate. You are not herpes!! Ugh, why do people feel like that needs to be part of your resume. Drives me crazy :-) He sounds like high maintenance anyway, good thing you went ahead. Have you been in touch with him since? I'm sorry I'm just now getting back to responding.
At this stage in your life, the ones who will accept you for you are the ones who will love you no matter what and will consider you to be their life long friend and partner. From everything you've said so far, it seems to me that you're doing everything just fine, so don't change except for the speed in which you get to possible "over the line" intimacy, although it sounds like he was the "pushy" one. I can tell that you value a friendship and appreciate that it is so important for those of us who are living with herpes. Personally, I truly miss being able to have sex on a whim, but for me, getting herpes was kind of a "blessing in disguise" as I could have ended up getting something even worse. (ie: HIV) Probably would be kissing more frogs than I'd want to as well :-)
Sounds like you do have the right approach when it comes to getting to know someone first, you be in control, don't let them. From what I've read, you've done everything right!! You just haven't met the right buy who has the same values as yourself. I wouldn't change a thing. And you CAN put your herpes status in your profiles, but WHY?? You don't sound like you define yourself that way and I don't want you to, so stick to your guns and hang in there. He'll find you eventually :-)

Monday, April 09, 2012 2:17:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Lil C - Monday, March 19, 2012 6:35:00 AM

first of all, thank you. :-) I try to stay positive and have gotten beyond the "oh whoa is me" attitude. Trust me though, I had plenty of that early on :-)

To answer your question....at this point, because you have been intimate, a. he might not believe that you didn't know, but oh well, I believe you. I believe that you do need to simply let him know. Heck, he could have had it and never told you and there is not 100pct guarantee of not getting it even if you are using protection. I say just tell him. It is what it is.

Monday, April 09, 2012 2:24:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Wednesday, March 21, 2012 7:14:00 PM

All I can say is be patient. That's a huge decision for someone to make and I get it. Put yourself in his place and think about if you would have wanted to "sign up" for the possibility of contracting this virus. Hopefully things will work out for both of you.

If not, it wasn't meant to be anyway :)

Monday, April 09, 2012 2:27:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Friday, March 23, 2012 5:32:00 AM

If you don't know for sure, you simply need to go see a doctor and get tested. Any free clinics around? Not everything is herpes so once you know for sure, then you can move forward in learning how to cope, deal and tell.

Hang in there and go get tested :-)

Monday, April 09, 2012 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Tuesday, March 27, 2012 4:09:00 PM

I'm sorry it took her so long to tell you. I also understand that you're pissed. So now you need to decide if you want to remain in this relationship. Get tested so that you know, as you might NOT have gotten herpes from her. Anything is possible. If you're meant to be together and if it's right, then things will work out. You're right, that she was wrong for not telling you, but it's definitely not an easy thing, so I understand her side as well. I'm sure it was on her mind all the time, especially after I'm guessing she was still learning about the virus and how it acts as well.

Whatever you do, if you do find that you have herpes, don't feel as though you two NEED to "STAY" together just because. If it's a great relationship, then don't let that hinder what you have. Life is too short and you won't die from having herpes, that is if you do. You have to specifically request the testing for herpes, dr's offices don't test automatically, even if you say "I want a test for ALL STD's". Say the word specifically to get that test. Good luck

Monday, April 09, 2012 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Sunday, April 08, 2012 11:03:00 PM

I believe if this guy is truly your best friend, he will not turn on you as your friend. He might choose not to be intimate again, but if your friendship is what you truly value, then you should/could be good with that. I do understand if you have more vested emotionally than he might, but you truly just need to tell him. If he's an awesome and understanding person, then that will just make your friendship even stronger. Not the end of the world :-) Good luck and let me know what he says.

Luanne

Monday, April 09, 2012 2:34:00 PM  
Blogger Rere said...

I've been diagnosed with HSV2 for 2yrs. At first I was sad and feeling all the negatives. But now I've accepted it. I met this guy back in March I really like him and he likes me too. He wants us to start a relationship but I don't know how to go about telling him. We occasionally have the sex talk but I don't have the courage to tell him. I like him a lot and he's coming to visit me this weekend I don't know whether to tell him before he comes or while he is here. Please help!!!!!!

Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:00:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

To Rere from Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:00:00 AM

It sounds as though you've already met each other 'face to face' and/or he's already purchased the ticket to get there or whatever? Personally, I'd let him just continue with his plans. You do need to muster up the courage to tell though because it will be a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders. Have you ever even said the word HERPES out loud, even if just to yourself? Try it, it's liberating. If you're comfortable actually hearing the words, it makes it a little bit easier to let someone else "hear" the words from your lips. You are NOT herpes. He needs to make the decision if he wants to take that risk after you have had the chance to look him face to face to tell him and express your honesty. That in itself should win points, even if that's all you receive. Some people are accepting and some are not, but you will feel better knowing that you did the right thing :-) good luck and let me know what happens.

Thursday, April 12, 2012 12:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its amazing how helpful reading all these responses have been. This will be my first time telling a guy. I really don't know when is the best time but after reading all this I decided I'll let him get to know me better first. Telling him and the risk of losing someone im so compatible with is the hardest part. My situation comes with a lot more baggage as I contracted the virus after being raped a few months ago. I noticed symptoms within a few days. The virus wasn't present in my blood but showed up in a culture sample so my Dr is convinced it was from that experience.I hadn't had any partners before that in over a year and had been tested and clean prior to it. I not only suffer post traumatic stress from being raped, I have to suffer this as a result of it all. I recently have been seeing a homeopathic doctor with an amazing reputation that says the virus can be cured through homeopathic medicines. He said within a couple months it'll build the immune system to push the virus out and you no longer can spread it to anyone and you will never have symptoms of it again. However the antibodies will still remain but you cant pass it. Doesn't make sense to me but others have sworn by this dr. I can only hope and pray my guy stays. I haven't been intimate in any way except kissing with him, and it will be at least a few months before I consider even wanting to get intimate. I only fear his love and feelings for me that have accumulated over that amount of time won't be enough to have him stay. Its such a horrible feeling.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012 5:57:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Tuesday, April 17, 2012 5:57:00 AM

Thank you. I'm glad you found my blog helpful. That's why it's here and I'm so glad that others feel comfortable sharing their stories and concerns. :-)

Sounds like you're dealing with this in a way which works best for you and that is exactly how it should be :-) Just know that he might not be able to wait that long and will certainly wonder, so don't feel like you do have to wait so long. In your situation, I think I would tell him about the rape situation first and then discuss the herpes situation "as a result" of the rape. I mean, it's true, right and it is what it is. I'm not sure "how long" you should wait, but you need to also think of yourself as well. You don't want to wait too long to tell, for fear that if he does turn away, it will make things worse for you. Just go along with the flow and when you're ready to tell, you will and hopefully you'll feel as good about your decision and telling that you possibly can. Take a deep breathe and do it when you're ready :-) Keep me posted.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012 4:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very good advice ... Helps me a lot .. Thank u

Wednesday, April 18, 2012 8:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for posting that. That was extremely comforting for someone who is in the same place.

Friday, May 04, 2012 4:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, i'm telling this guy I really like that I have simplex 2. Reading this has helped. I want to thank all of you for your posts. I've been reading this for about 2Weeks...i'm so nervous...

Saturday, May 12, 2012 7:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont know what to do. I really like this guy and I messed up. We have had sex but I was too scared to tell him that I have the virus. I have only had 2 outbreaks in more than 3 years and take my medication but now I feel he'll hate me for not telling him before. I was afraid of rejection then but now im feeling like he'll really hate me.

Monday, May 14, 2012 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger marie said...

Hello everyone. I just want to say this site has helped me so much. 4 years with HSV. Tonight I told a man I've only known for 3 weeks I have herpes. He is only the second person I told. I told him cause I could tell things wanted to go further. I wanted to wait a lil longer to tell him but I had to get it off my chest and tell him before I got caught in the moment and slept with him. It was very difficult but I feel so much better. He was very understanding and thanked me for my courage and honesty. I'm giving him time to let it sink in. He did not make me feel dirty. He hugged me and kissed me before I left. I know it's scary but I just want ppl to know u are not alone in this. Weather he stays or goes it doesn't matter. I was honest and won't have to live with a lie if we continue to see each other. If he can't accept it he's not for me. So everyone hang in there I know how u feel.

Sunday, May 20, 2012 5:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Marie said...

Today, I was diagnosed with herpes. I've already had my ups and downs emotionally, but have been trying very hard to come to terms with my virus. I am currently trying to track down the partner that gave it to me, and am not sure how to bring it up to ex partners. Any words of wisdom?

Monday, May 21, 2012 10:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there, I contracted it when I was 20 and let me tell you, telling guys that you may have a one night stand with has never really been a deterrent or a good way to get rid of someone! I'm proud to say that I've told about 15 people of my HSV-1 and I think there have been two that "wanted to wait" but then it never really happened. As long as you are warning people and protecting yourself, I wouldn't fret too much. Also, once you are comfortable w the virus (and having it) you'll care less about telling these guys you at never see again.

If you want to see this last guy again, I think your best bet is to tell him your story, let him know that it's not who you are just something you deal with and if he freaks out he's not worth your time. In the grand scheme of all the problems in the world, herpes is not really that big of a deal.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012 10:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Natasha said...

This page has been so inspiring. However my situation is somewhat different and I was hoping for some advice. Around a year and a half ago I was going through a very dificult time where I was suffering with depression and I met someone who could take my mind off everything else that was going on, someone who seemed so genuine. I had only ever slept with one person previously and he was a bofriend of 2 years. Needless to say I was being naive and I wasn't the only girl that this new found 'love' was seeing. I was checked out soon afterwards and told I had contracted herpes, I was crushed. It has changed me so dramtically in terms of relationships that for almost a year I didn't even look at a guy in that way, I just saw no future and thought some pretty dark thoughts at times about whether I still wanted to be here. I've finally met an amazing guy who is perfect in practically every way. I told him about my ex (but not the herpes) and how that damaged my confidence with sex and that it would take me some time to reach that point and he understood completely, as he did when I spoke about the depression too. We have been intimate (but not sex) but I have been very careful to ensure that I could not have passed it onto him. I have only ever had my initial outbreak and have changed everything about my lifestyle to cohere with avoiding such occurences. But I feel like there is a future here and I want to tell him, the problem is that the thought terrifies me. If it turned out he wasn't the perfect guy I thought he was and he tells people at university about this, my whole world would be turned upside down. People see me as the 'good girl' of the group, the 'mummy', and I think that is what is so frustrating about herpes; it isn't a virus that people who sleep with 'lots' of men get...most people are just unlucky. With my psychological health at risk so much depends on his ability to keep my secret...I've analysed the situation to such a degree and the outcome is always the same, I don't know what I would do if everyone found out...in many ways my life is in his hands with this one, as drastic as that sounds. I can rationalise this all now but if that happened there is no telling what state I would be in. So I guess I'm asking how I tell him all this, whilst making sure he knows how important it is that he keeps this private, even if he decides he can't handle it? So sorry for the lengthy message, just had to get all the details in. Thank you in advance.

Sunday, May 27, 2012 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

ok, I answered you and computer didn't take it...... :(

Bottom line is, no problem on the lengthy message. Say the word herpes out loud to yourself if you're not comfortable hearing those words. I've been in your same boat so I totally understand the emotions you're experiencing. Look at it this way, you have a 50/50 chance that he'll be good with it or turn and run the other way, but after you relieve yourself of the heavy, you'll feel better and proud that you were able to be completely honest. Good luck and keep me posted.

Sunday, May 27, 2012 3:46:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from Saturday, May 12, 2012 7:48:00 PM

hang in there, you'll do just fine.
===================================
to anonymous from: Monday, May 14, 2012 8:06:00 PM

I don't know what to tell you other than if this relationship is getting very serious, you really need to tell him. If you see no future in general, I'd say just cut your losses, tell him and be done with it so he knows. Chances are, based on your history of outbreaks that you most likely didn't pass it on to him, but sadly, as we all know, no guarantees. Good luck and he's a keeper, you really just need to admit your "lying by omission" part. Just do it :-)

Sunday, May 27, 2012 3:51:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Marie from Sunday, May 20, 2012 5:05:00 AM

You did the right thing girl. It's been about a week. Have you heard from him?

Sunday, May 27, 2012 3:52:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to Marie from Monday, May 21, 2012 10:24:00 PM

ya know, a lot of people don't agree with what my response is going to be.......but me personally, I wouldn't worry about last partners unless you have had sex with them maybe in the last year and if you're not able to reach them due to lost or changed phone numbers or whatever, what you need to do now is worry about yourself and your integrity. It is what it is and I wouldn't lose sleep over it. You won't die and neither will they. If they aren't having outbreaks (more often than not) if you have herpes, your body tells you, so they probably know by now.

Hang in there.

Sunday, May 27, 2012 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anonymous from: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 10:21:00 AM


Awesome response to the previous poster. You said that very well and I totally agree :-)

Sunday, May 27, 2012 3:56:00 PM  
Blogger marie said...

He still text me the normal good mornings. But it's not the same :( wed night he text me that he's been thinking about what I told him and that it's some really heavy stuff. He told its very scary and the whole thing scares him. I told him I understAnd and maybe it's best if we're just friends. But he said he didn't say that And he's still thinking about it and hasn't made a decision. Unfortunately I've been very depressed. It's driving me crazy. I would rather him just leave me alone cause it hurts so bad that I want this man in my life. I just feel like why r u dragging this on? Is it that hard to make a decision? He told me there's a lot of what ifs. I understand but dang I'm hurting here. I'm trying to give him space....

Sunday, May 27, 2012 5:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's my situation which I would really appreciate some advice on...
I was diagnosed with genital herpes type 1 in 2007. At the beginning I was having frequent breakouts but can't recall having one in the last year, so they are clearly becoming less and less and something which I don't often think about.

Fast forward to now, June 2012 and I have just started seeing this amazing guy who I can really see a great future with.
Bad news is we had sex on our first date, I was intoxicated and it was the last thing on my mind.
I've stayed at his house twice in the past week and we've had sex on both occasions (unprotected). While we were lying in bed talking about my tattoo which was done in the Philippines, he joked that he hoped I didn't catch AIDS, and then went on to say 'or anything that's incurable, like herpes', I didn't know what to do I just froze and said 'no I don't have anything'.

This guy is lovely, but now I'm feeling so guilty that I didn't let him make the informed decision to sleep with me knowing that I am a HSV1 carrier.

I will have to tell him the truth very soon, and apologise for lying to him, I'm so nervous
a. because we've had unprotected sex multiple times
b. because I then LIED to him when he flat out asked me, and
c. because I've never wanted someone so badly before, I'm petrified of the possibly rejection and hurt

Does anyone have any advice for how I should go about telling him, or of a similar experience anyone's had?

Also I'm planning on using condoms from now on and saying that I've stopped the pill because it was giving me some unpleasant side effects, at least until he knows the truth...

Friday, June 01, 2012 6:57:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Friday, June 01, 2012 6:57:00 AM

OH BOY!! You have yourself in a little pickle here :(

You need to just tell him the truth. No reason to sugarcoat or delay the inevitable. You have to tell him. Explain to him exactly what happened, even though that's really "no excuse" but you need to free yourself from the guilt. The chances of you passing it on to him already are pretty slim and he'll probably be super pissed. He has simply taken you off guard and the timing could not have been worse. I totally understand "heat of the moment". You need to stress how sorry you are that you didn't tell him and just do it. You'll be a better person for it after all is said and done. It is what it is and you just have to now do the right thing. Good luck and keep me posted. It's never easy to tell and that's what he needs to understand. Bottom line is you moved into the sex part way too soon, but I won't begrudge you that either. Chin up and just do the right thing. If nothing else, YOU'LL feel better for having finally told him. Now if he chooses not to stay or continue with you, then so be it, but it will then be his choice and he'll be enlightened. It's all good and sometimes you just have to do the right thing, delayed as it may be. Good luck to you.

Friday, June 01, 2012 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger marie said...

Hey Luanne,
Update so it didn't work between me and that guy. He told me he didn't want to lead me on but that he couldn't take that risk with me. Ugh. First rejection :( I've just been trying to stay busy. Now I fear this will stop me from telling a future partner o well it is what it is

Saturday, June 02, 2012 4:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Luanne
I'm in a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I have only ever ha sex with 3 men in my life and was just diagnosed with herpes yesterday. I am 21 years old and am feeling quite alone right now. I feel like an outcast and the posts above have really helped but I have quite a different situation. I just came home from school and was dating this guy at school but we were not exclusive and he knew that.
I had oral sex about a week ago with a man who had hsv1 and transmitted it to me through oral sex. Not only is it extremely painful but I feel emotionally friend. The problem is that the guy I was dating at school is worki where I live this summer and wants to see me. I really like him and we have ha sex multiple times but that was before I knew I had herpes. I don't know how I tell him and I'm scared that he will run away. I really like him and I know he cares for me but I still don't want him to be scared off and think that I knew previously because it was from this other man that I contracted it from. This is also hard because even though we weren't exclusive I know it will hurt to hear that I actually had been hooking up with other people.
This was the biggest mistake of my life hooking up with that man because he is being extremely distant and odd even though he apologized multiple times and feels very bad because he seemed to not have known he had it.
Please help I don't know how to tell the guy I was dating at school that I contracte herpes while he was at home for a few weeks. It's just so odd now adays because nothing seems to be defined and we never talked about us even being in a serious relationship. I'm worries he'll see me as damaged goods. I appreciate your blog and your advice.
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Saturday, June 02, 2012 5:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks so much Luanne, I'm seeing him tomorrow night so will initiate a discussion then. I am seriously so nervous, I'm well aware that after all is said and done I will have lost a potentially incredible partner, I really really hope he can forgive me and still wants to continue getting to know me... I don't know what I would do if I were him, I'd be scared to continue sleeping with someone who has such a shitty disease, ahh I hope he takes the news ok :S

Wish me luck

Sunday, June 03, 2012 8:35:00 AM  
Blogger marie said...

Hi I read ur posts and was curious how it went? I hope good. I know it can b nerve racking. It's ok keep ur head up I still have a hard time dealing with this. I have hsv 2. I'm confused with ur story u said u have type 1. So why would that matter if it's just ur mouth and not below the belt? Type 1 isn't below the belt so it would b ok with no condom right? Or can u have type 1 down there due to oral sex? I get confused with all that....sorry was just curious. But I do hope he was understanding. I know it can b very hard in the heat if the mOment. Sorry just rambling now lol

Thursday, June 07, 2012 10:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Marie yes i have type 1 but it's located below the belt, you can have either type in either place. It is less common to have type 1 down there, which is why you're confused.

Anyway i was supposed to see him on Monday night but we was sick so we cancelled. We've been speaking everyday since and are having lunch tomorrow with my sister and her husband, so it obviously won't be an opportune time.
I anticipate i'll have some alone time with him again early next week, and will do it then. I'm soooo nervous, i've already invested a lot of emotion into this relationship, and the fact that we've had unprotected sex... i just don't know if that's forgiveable? He's a smart guy and a fantastic catch with a lot going for him, i'm worried he'll be really annoyed that i didn't tell him sooner, i'm kicking myself!!!! I feel like i'd be fine telling him otherwise, but because i've already fucked up i'm stressing.
Anyway i definitely will keep you posted, this blog is great support.
Question - I have been thinking and thinking about this, and while i don't want to lie and dig my hole any deeper, might it be an idea to tell him i only found out this week that i had the virus, and this way he wouldn't be mad about the unprotected sex, or is that ridiculously obvious and too immoral?
Would love peoples thoughts on this!
Also, i'm off to Thailand for 2 weeks next Friday so am also wondering if i tell him before or after Thailand? Obviously i WILL tell him before we find ourselves in a heated moment, but if i could hold out until after Thailand when the feelings are stronger, is that a good idea or do i need to just tell him??
heeelllppp!!!

Friday, June 08, 2012 4:17:00 AM  
Blogger marie said...

Anonymous June 8 I'm so disappointed I had a huge response for u Friday and my phone didn't take it :/ any way see what ur sayin about the type. I have heard about that now that I think about it. Any way I know how stressed u are. It's very difficult. I can see where u want to lie. Who hasn't about this? I have. And honestly it was the most stressful thing for me. I didn't tell my ex and I was constantly worried of him catching and having an ob. What ever u do that's ur decision I can't tell u what to do just tell what I would do. To b honest I see where ur coming from about saying u just found out as tempting as it is for me personally I would just want to b honest instead of lying. Ur the one that will have to live wit that lie. When I have lied that's all that was on my mind and it just ate away at me :( this last guy I told was my dream man he decided he could not take the chance with me. Part of me was like damn I shouldnt have told him. And part of me is scared to get rejected again. But I'm going to stick wit it and b honest with the next man as well. Any way I'm rambling sorry :) for when to tell him. I think the sooner the better u will feel. It's either tell him before the trip and deal with how ever his reaction is well ur on ur trip or tell him after and on ur trip feel the way u feel now. It's a tough decision and I feel for u. I hope it all works out for u. I just think being honest is the best thing. I wish u luck keep me posted have an awesome trip! Either way it works out u will b ok. Remember that.

Sunday, June 10, 2012 9:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi~
I have recently been diagnosed with HSV2. I actually had my first outbreak a number of years ago, while on vacation. I was suntanning and developed a little "rash" on my thigh. Because I've had sunburns before, I thought I had gotten a horrible sunburn and was affected by it this way. (As a teen I broke out in hives because of too much sun, so attributed this to sun as well.) I was in a foreign country and camping on a beach, far away from doctors, etc. The "rash" went away and didn't re-occur for many years. Recently, I was seeing somebody that I became really smitten with and we had been having lots of sex, both protected and unprotected. During this time together, I had another one of these "rashes", but I was out of town when it errupted, so by the time I was with him again, the outbreak was pretty much gone - (only a slight red mark on my leg). So we continued to engage in sexual activity. We ended up breaking up because he had decided to go on a date with another woman and have sex with her, and I told him that I am not into sharing. We never did have sex again once he had been with her. It turned out that she is a carrier of the HPV. Then I had my third outbreak and was freaked out that I may have skin cancer and was able to see a doctor while the "rash" was "in bloom". Crap. It's HSV2.
So I am wondering if I should tell this last lover of mine that he may have been exposed to the HSV or not? Also, what about other past lovers, since I've apparently had it for about 6 years and did not know? Do I tell them at all?
Eeek!

Thursday, June 14, 2012 1:28:00 PM  
Blogger marie said...

Anonoymous june 14. Some ppl may not agree with me but personally i see no reason to tell ur past partners. As for the last guy I personally wouldn't tell him either. He should b responsible one and getting himself checked regularly especially if he just goes to one person to the next like that. That's my opinion. If u feel like u need to then go for it. Wish u the best

Thursday, June 14, 2012 4:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was reading this blog a couple of days ago absolutely dreading telling my boyfriend of about 2 months. I just wanted to say I told him yesterday and his reaction was astounding. He said it didn't change anything and he was actually MOST concerned with the fact I hadn't previously had anyone to talk to about it, he said he couldn't believe how brave I'd been.
For anyone in the position I was in a few days ago, terrified to tell someone, it can and does work out ok :)
Luanne, thank you for this blog. I can't describe how much better I feel having got it off my chest, and I'm not sure I would've told him had I not found this site a few days ago!

Friday, June 15, 2012 10:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Stasia said...

Wow, this blog is exactly what I need right now. It's almost midnight where I am and I have to be up at 6 for work in the morning. I'm currently in the midst of an outbreak and this all started with a google search for the effectiveness of acyclovir (wondering if it's effectiveness fades after years of taking it).

Anywho, I ended up here, and I'm glad I did. I do not feel nearly as alone anymore in this mental battle.

Here's my story: In late 2009 I had a drunken one night stand with one of my best friend's high school buddies. Of course it was unprotected. Before we engaged in sex he asked me if I was clean. I told him I was, and asked the same of him: he said yes. 4 days later I was already seeing the symptoms of herpes. By a week after that the test at the clinic confirmed it. HSV2.

In the time since then I've had 4 outbreaks, so about 2 per year. Question: For you all that have only experienced one outbreak, are you on suppression therapy?

I never had sex with the guy who infected me again...but I have had 2 partners since him. I am currently single, and for the past year and some change I've only engaged in oral sex, on days that I have no symptoms AND am on the acyclovir (to reduce asymptomatic shedding). Like one of the earlier posters mentioned, I can't imagine telling this guy b/c we just recently graduated from the university and he is familiar with a lot of people I went to college with, being that we all went to the same one. I don't want my reputation to change to "the girl who has herpes"

Saturday, June 16, 2012 1:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there, i just found this blog, i am 19 and have had herpes for about 2 years now (contracted from an ex who had been cheating on me with multiple girls) this whole blog has been really really helpful to me, as i have been quite upset about things to do with the herpes for a while now. it;s good to know there are so many strong people out there and it gives me some confidence too! i am currently in the process of deciding when and how to tell a guy that i like that i have herpes, we have already had sex a couple of times (protected) but i am so scared he will think i am disgusting and not want to see me again, i am slowly coming to terms with it and i have just recently told my mum that i have herpes, she was really good and made me feel so much better. i also have a couple of friends who have the virus as well, we all talk about it when we're feeling down and it is so helpful to be able to read blogs like this for all of the people out there feeling horrible about youself!
i'm hoping things with my guy go well, and if not, i'm hoping that we can maybe just be friends..
i'm sucking it up and being brave, wish me luck!

Sunday, June 24, 2012 4:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Today I found out that I have Genital Herpes. I had no idea that I had it, and there are two people I could have gotten it from. I am so frustrated/ upset. To make matter worse I have a new partner, we have only been seeing eachother for a couple weeks but I am afraid I gave it to him as well. I have no idea how to tell him, "Hey pay attention for any sores because I might have given you HSV before I knew I had it." How do I do this. I just want to cry and break down. I feel absolutly awful. Like complete shit. please help.

Monday, June 25, 2012 5:31:00 PM  
Blogger Luanne said...

wow - I apologize for not getting back to responding in general.

Marie, hang in there. As I've probably mentioned, it does get easier :-)
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to anonymous from: Saturday, June 02, 2012 5:07:00 PM

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. You can either tell him what you believe to be the truth or simply that you discovered you have/had herpes. Because you do have an OPEN relationship, he can't expect you to be waiting for him. I don't like to promote lying by omission, but if you think about it, heck, maybe that guy gave it to you and you simply never had an outbreak to say you had it? That's the crazy thing about herpes is that we just never honestly are 100pct sure who we got it from. Usually it's from the most recent person you had sex with, but NOT always....or so I've read anyway.

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to anon from Sunday, June 03, 2012 8:35:00 AM

So how did it go? All of these anon's, you might have answered already ;-)

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thank you for your ongoing support Marie - I truly appreciate it :-) I agree with you that it's not necessary to tell past partners.
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to anon from Friday, June 15, 2012 10:53:00 AM
I'm so glad that whatever you read on my blog gave you the courage to tell your man and so glad he was good with it. Some are and some aren't. I just keep reminding myself, we won't die from this virus :-) it's all good.
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to Stasia from Saturday, June 16, 2012 1:05:00 AM

everyone is different as far as how frequently they have outbreaks. I have found it has a lot to do w/how long your body has been living with the virus. I have gone for 3 years at a time w/out any obvious outbreaks (just can't be sure about shedding?) and I'm not on suppressive therapy. It has a lot to do w/your stress levels in life as well.

You will tell who needs to know or that you're comfortable with sharing with as far as trust goes. As long as you don't think of yourself as "the girl with herpes" then no one else will either. Only tell who you need to tell :-)

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hi anon from Sunday, June 24, 2012 4:43:00 AM

Good luck to you. Sounds like you're doing everything that you need to do as far as coming to terms with it and being accepting of yourself. That's half the battle :-)

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to anon from Monday, June 25, 2012 5:31:00 PM

You're kind of in an odd situation, one that not many of us can honestly say that it was ours. What I'm saying is, when you did have sex with this most recent guy, you honestly didn't know. You just need to tell him what's going on with you. I suspect he'll figure it out on his own that he should get checked out for it. It's ok to cry, but you need to talk to a close friend or family member so you can begin healing and get it off of your chest. Everything you're feeling is completely normal. Been there done that and I'm so over it now :-) You just need to tell him. You'll feel so much better, even if he opts to not see you anymore. Good luck and keep me posted.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012 11:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My story: I found out 4 years ago that my girlfriend that I was engaged to had contracted hsv2. We were both shocked at the time we were in our mid 20's and had been tested for STD's, we didn't realize that a blood test was required for herpies. Anyhow I got tested and was negitive, she was terrified, scared and depressed. I looked at her and said "you a wonderful person who I love more then anything and we will work though this". We had a wonderful sex life (never used condoms, I had excepted it right away.) It was 2 years before I had my first outbreak, mild and still very infrequent. Things became bad in the marrige and she wanted to leave but was scared that no one else would except her for what she had. Herpies became a prison for her and I was suffering no longer happy. We have signed our papers and its been 4 months now. I found this site because I was looking for support, and I found it. I met an amazing girl about 6 weeks ago....have been dating, sharing laughs and it seemed to good to be true. I then had the weight of the herpies talk that was eating me alive, I wanted so badly to tell here but was scared to tell her because she was so perfect. I have never told anyone. It took a few times for me to work up the courage but last night I pulled the trigger. She looked at me and saw her eyes water up, she said that I took our relationship to the next level and that the truth meant more to her then anything. She hugged and kissed me and told me that what we had was to special for her to pass up for something that was uncontrollable. Although we have not had sex yet...(time of the month), she.is excited and smiles at me bigger then ever, she's absolutly wonderful. So to you guys/gals take the time to get to know the person, be honest, accept who you are, people will understand. Get educated, share statistics, I'm on daily supressents, explain how.to reduce transmission. After I told her we.had more open conversations and we both can't believe how lucky we are Thanks for this blog, and letting me share my story.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Wednesday, June 27, 2012 10:14:00 AM

oh I understand the prison which herpes can put you in if you allow it to. :( I finally was able to break free of that but it didn't happen overnight.

oh God and the eating alive of knowing you need to disclose and not quite sure how to do it? Been there, done that too :-)

So glad you were able to find the courage to do it. You did the right thing and I bet you felt so much better, even if she hadn't given you the response you wanted to hear. It was the right thing for you to do for you :-) Good for her!!

That's the key is to get to know the person first. Heck you might find out that you are really even that much into them, herpes or no herpes.

Thursday, June 28, 2012 10:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For the last five years I have seen a man on and off. Last year I married someone else, had a baby and then found out my husband was cheating. Since filing for divorce I have again been talking to the man I was with on and off for so long. We have discussed our future together once my divorce is final and we believe we will be making a serious commitment to each other once it's final. We were never serious in the past but we both knew we loved each other. I found out today that my soon to be ex husband gave me HSV2. I'm terrified to tell the man I want to be with. We have been through so much already. He still loves me even after I married someone else and had someone else's baby, im just still afraid this will be too much for him. He loves my baby so he accepts that but how can anyone accept herpes?

Thursday, June 28, 2012 6:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, I found out 2 years ago about mine and I have been celibate 4 yrs. There's a guy I talked to off and on for 6 yrs online. We've never met and I mentioned meeting him. One thing he started talking about was being intimate and I started talking about backing out. I said there was something about me that I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him and that maybe me going to see hm wasn't such a good idea. I finally broke down and told him. He said I wasn't the first person to tell him something like that but never gave me details about what happened and I didn't ask because I felt it wasn't my business. He never told me he still wanted to see me, so I just left it as we would just remain friends online. Well he stopped talking to me completely. The last message I sent him was asking what I did or said wrong for him to stop talking to me. I never got an answer. Well, a guy I went on a date once has popped back up in my life. He was before I got HSV2. He's been telling me that he wished he had not let me go years ago. I'm not sure how to tell him about my condition after the reaction I had gotten from the last guy I told. We've only talked online and on the phone since he showed back up and he's wanting to see me. I really don't know if I should go on and tell him now and just get the rejection over with. If I wait until the feelings become too strong, I'm afraid that his reaction and rejection would be much worse.

Friday, July 06, 2012 2:46:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Thursday, June 28, 2012 10:32:00 AM

I apologize for not getting a response to you sooner. It's been over a week now. Have you found the courage to tell this guy? You are NOT herpes. If he truly loves you, he will love you for you.

Sounds like an understanding and loving guy.

Friday, July 06, 2012 10:27:00 AM  
Blogger Luanne said...

to anon from Friday, July 06, 2012 2:46:00 AM

The online guy....well, I wouldn't worry too much. It's not like you had actually met him in person. Who knows, maybe you would have found he wasn't all that great. You need to try and build a lasting friendship first and in person is the ONLY way to truly accomplish the full spectrum of that :-) You've lost nothing, trust me :-) Sounds like he wasn't as vested as you were.

2nd guy - go see him, see if there is still a true spark there. Then tell him about what's been going on in your life. If he truly cares and if you are truly meant to be together, then everything will work out just fine. Think positive. Don't automatically assume that he will reject you. Everyone goes into relationships for different reasons. If this guy came back and is regretting letting you go then if he truly loves and cares for you, then he won't reject you. You nor he will DIE from herpes. Are you comfortable hearing the words yourself? Say the word herpes out loud a few times. It's all in the delivery of the message. If you are in fear or shame, then he won't be as accepting of "the virus". Plus, there is no gte that you'll pass it on to him.

Friday, July 06, 2012 10:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Luanne, I'm anon from Friday, July 06, 2012 2:46:00 AM. I met with the 2nd guy today. When he said that he thought us crossing paths again was a sign we were meant to be together, I decided to go on and tell him. I had practiced what I would say with one of my best friends who is very understanding and supportive. After 2 years of knowing, I still don't feel comfortable saying it, even after saying it over and over while practicing it with my friend. I kept calm and didn't have a breakdown, thank goodness. I told him that I had an std and explained that I felt that I needed to tell him now before things went any further. I told him about the discussion my doctor had with me and all the information he had given me. I told him that I'm sure he needed time to think about everything because deciding on continuing a relationship with me would be a big step, but that I would be patient until he was ready to talk. He said nothing and just walked away.

Friday, July 06, 2012 3:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I met this guy online we were talking heavy for 2 months before we started making plans to see each other. Finally i saw him and we had unprotected sex. As soon as i left i started getting bumps down there. I immedately saw my doctor and she confirmed i had herpes 2. I guess im not that angry because i did have unprotected sex and since finding about it 3 days ago i feel more better about it and learning to live with it. This guy im seeing is really sweet, we have a great connection and we are making plans to see each other again. Im really nervous about telling him. He told me hes clean and that he was last checked 5 months ago. Our daily conversations are so mind blowing we connect on every level. I did tell him i was going to the doctor but now that i found out im positive im scared he might reject me. He does know i was raped years ago i could have gotten it then but this was my first outbreak and it wasnt all that bad. Im scared to tell him over the phone, should i text him? Is that ok? I hope he doesnt reject me because we tell eacb other everything and we are so honest. I thought about not telling him but i dont think i can live like thay if i started lying to him. He did mention to me that "you dont know what i would do if u told me you had something, you cant judge my decison" idk what i should do. I know he likes me alot but a lot might not be good enough.

Monday, July 09, 2012 10:14:00 PM  

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