How do I tell someone I have herpes?

Telling someone you have HSV and/or another STD is in many ways very
frightening. It’s a fair statement that it’s a lot harder on you to
tell someone, than it is for another person to hear what you're telling
them. So it’s important to have some idea of what you're going to
say and how you're going to say it. I came up with a really easy to
follow formula for telling that makes sure you've got all your bases
covered.

K – Knowledge
A – Approach
A – Attitude
T – Timing

If you follow KAAT, it would go something like this:

Knowledge

When you have to tell someone something this important, you need to
make sure you have all the information that might be needed. In
that list that you need to be able to address are:

1. What HSV is
2. How HSV is transmitted
3. Transmission rate information
4. Methods of treating HSV
5. Methods of preventing HSV transmission

A great resource for all this information, which can also be used
as a backup to what you are telling your “Potential” partner is
the Free Herpes Handbook from Terri Warren. In fact, there’s
no harm in supplying the link for this book to a potential
partner or giving them a printed copy of the book.

Approach

How to approach having this conversation with someone is very
important. There are generally four ways to tell someone. They
should always be told before any contact with area infected by
herpes and before the heat of the moment.

They are:

1. *Face to face –this is preferred.
2. *Telephone Call
3. *Email or Electronic Message ( Chat )
4. *Letter ( Snail-Mail or Delivered in Person )

There are pro's and con's to each method. If you choose to tell
someone face to face, you may get to see some initial reactions
that will give you a hint of what the other person is thinking.
On the other hand, if you are concerned about the person’s
reaction, you can try via phone. The advantage of either email
or a letter is that you have time to really think about what you
are saying and how you say it. There is a really good letter
included in the “Living and Loving with Herpes” report that is
distributed by Antopia. For a free copy of the Antopia report,
go to http://www.gotherpes.com and click on the link for the
report. This report also has a possible conversation to have
with someone via telephone or face to face. It’s up to you what
you feel most comfortable with, but either way, no matter what
approach you choose to take, make sure you do a bit of rehearsal
of what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it before
you actually tell.

Attitude

This is the place where most people get rejected when they tell,
because this is the meat of the whole discussion. There are
some important things to think about here:

What your experience with HSV has been colors how you tell and
the way in which you tell. If you've had bad outbreaks instead
of mild ones, you may be more prone to say that HSV isn't that
easy to deal with than someone that has only ever had one or no
outbreaks.

What you feel about your HSV currently colors how you tell a
partner. Since this person likely has no experience with HSV,
they rely on what you tell them of your experience to form an
opinion. What you say here and your own feelings about having
HSV can make or break you.

How you got HSV doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter either.
If you feel angry about how you got HSV, that anger will be
revealed to the potential partner, and the emotions may be
strong enough that they may reject you because they cannot
or do not want to handle the additional baggage.

Remember why you are telling someone about having HSV. It’s
so that they can make an informed choice. They have the right
to know that you have HSV and to decide if they want to risk
being infected. You should respect their choice and right to
decide either way, but if the decision isn't the one you wanted
to hear, then you will need to deal with whatever feelings come
along with that decision without placing blame on them.

Timing

Timing comes in two forms. The first is when in the
relationship do you tell, the second is when in the time of
day do you tell. Those are decisions that you have to make for
yourself, but here are some options and thoughts on the subject.

For when in the relationship you should tell, there are two
schools of thought on this. The first is to tell early in the
relationship, so that if there is a rejection, you will be
spared a lot of hurt. This idea has it’s advantages and
disadvantages. The advantage is that you minimize the risk
and the pain, but the disadvantage is that you don’t have
the emotional investment from the other person to influence
them staying with you. On the other hand, if you tell later
in the relationship, you have that emotional investment going
for you, but if the person does reject you, then it hurts much
more than if you had told earlier in the relationship.

As for the time of day telling, well, definitely not when
you're all passionate with each other. It not only kills the
mood, but there’s so much frustration involved that it’s not
even funny. So, a calm and relaxed time of day would be good.
Telling during a quiet private time together at either partner’s
home over a cup of coffee would work, and be prepared to have
them tell you that they need to think about it for a few days.
That’s fine, because thinking is good. However, make sure
that if you decide to give them a few days, make it clear you
need to have some sort of answer or further contact by a
certain timeframe in order to know where you stand. You deserve
an answer to whether or not your potential partner will stay
with you as much as your potential partner deserves to know
you have HSV. I think the best way to do this is to ask your
partner when he/she would like to be called in 24-72 hours.
Be ready to share information and for his anger or sadness,
remember it is at the herpes NOT at you. Give him/her time
while still being in friendly company.

Tips for Telling a Partner:
Thanks to Amanda for sharing this on the forums.

1. Tell them before you have sex with them, but wait until
you're sure you like them enough to want to have sex with them.
After all, what's the point of telling someone right off the
bat, before you're sure if the relationship is going to go
anywhere? (Warning: do NOT wait until you are in bed and/or
fooling around to disclose: emotions and passions run high
and people are not thinking clearly enough at this time to
make an educated, rational decision.
Remember, herpes is not a "bedtime story".

2. Tell them in a place where you have some privacy (i.e..
your home, their home, or a park). A parked car is OK,
but do not tell them while you or they are driving! Some
people suggest that you tell at your partner's place
because they will feel the most comfortable there.
However, Dr. Hirsch suggests you tell at your place rather
than theirs, because that way they can get up and leave
if they feel uncomfortable and need time to be alone and
think.

3. STAY CALM! If you get hysterical and start crying, they
will pick up on your fear and it will have a negative effect
on their perception of the virus.

4. Ask them if they've ever been tested for STD's, HIV, etc.,
or if they've ever had an STD. That will get THEM talking
about it first, and will give you some insight on their STD
background and attitude. You could also try bringing it up
in the context of a "safe sex" talk. Ask them how they feel
about safe sex, do they use condoms, etc. Tell them that safe
sex is very important to you, because once you were "unlucky"
and got an STD.

5. If possible, have some pamphlets or printed information
on herpes to give them, so they can read it over later. ASHA
has some excellent pamphlets called "Telling your partner
about herpes" and "When your partner has herpes."
(go to www.ashastd.org for pamphlet ordering info.)

6. After you tell them you have herpes, ask them "what do
you know about it? Again, it will get them talking and will
take the pressure off of you. It will also help you understand
what THEY know, so you know how much information you need to
give them. (Odds are, even if they don't have it, they may
have a friend who has it and may know something about it.)

7. Ask them if they have any questions about it, and try
to answer whatever questions they have as calmly and as
honestly as you can. If they ask you something you don't know,
tell them you don't know, but that the two of you can
research it together. Recommend some websites they can look
at when you're not around.

8. Don't panic if they don't take the news well at first!
Some people need time to think about something like this.
Some people might accept it right away, some might panic
and reject you at first, but they may change their mind
in a day or two (or a week or two)...you never know.