Would you sleep with someone with herpes?
You know, sometimes, we, being the ones who have herpes (if you are indeed one of us :-) have to stop and think about this. When we "tell" a prospective mate that we have herpes, do we expect them to just say, "sure, sign me right up". No, we can't expect that. We have to realize and think about how we would have felt, had someone said that to us prior to our contracting this minor virus. I can't even say disease, because it's not really a disease. It's simply a virus. So you ask yourself, "Can I love someone with 437737" or can I love someone with herpes and you have to decide if the person you want to love is worth the risk of having that stigma (which many of us are trying to break the stigma, along with Valtrex BTW). It's not so much the virus which is so horrible, it's the social stigma which has been placed on having herpes. Mind you, there are cases, different strains of herpes, which are relatively rare for the most part, which do create much more discomfort in those who have it, such as herpes neuralgia.
I write more about this in this section of my blog.
Labels: Herpes Dating, Herpes Reactions
posted by Luanne @ 1:28 AM
110 Comments:
Well I recently found out that i had this virus. I got it from my child's father. We were engaged. After i found out that he gave it to me I found out that he had been cheating on me with lots of women. he actually had the nerve to blame me! he asked if i was cheating on him!i told him no. he said he didn't have it and that i didn't get it from him. but he is the ONLY man i had ever been with unprotected. my first ob (b4 i knew what it was) was the most horrible thing i have ever been through. the pain was so severe. it hurt to urinate. i couldn't walk. i was out of work for days. i even had these bad episodes where i couldn't sit down. my legs would go numb all the way to my hips. i had to be dragged to the bathroom because if i put pressure on my legs trying to walk i would scream out in pain. sometimes i would beg my family to let me pee on myself so i wouldnt have to sit down because of the pain. i haven't gotten over this scar on my life. i wake up crying for no reason. my mood swings up and down and i end up a mess. it has taken over my life. i have no life. i cant even bear to think about dating because i would have to tell that person about this if iwant sex or something more serious and the the word my spread about me in this little town of mine. a lot of people know me and all it takes is one guy to turn me down and walk away from me and then blab to his buddies. im not a whore i was faithful to this man! i dont sleep around with everybody! it's not fair!!!!! especially when i know whores( i have some friends whore) who have nothing. they sleep around and get nothing and im not like them. i was just in love with a man who i thought loved me too. why did this happened to me? i am so depressed. i just want to crawl inside a hole and die. i have no one to talk to. i haven't even told my best friend. she'd prob think i had something so contagious if i breathed in her direction she'd get it. im scared she wont understand and not let me give my godchildren kisses anymore. so i dont kiss them i let them kiss me on the cheek so that if i ever do tell she wont freak out and say well why giving my kids kisses, u might give it to them. it aint like she know anything about herpes. i dont even know why im writing this. its not like the rest of these posts all positive and stuff. i try, god knows i try to be positive and go on but i cant! im all alone in this.
What you're feeling, emotionally is so very normal. Once you get used to your new skin and used to the idea, then you too will realize it's JUST a virus. I mean, what other options do you have. I encourage you to send me a private email if you prefer to chat with me. I too am from a super small community and I truly don't care who finds out or who knows. At one point in time, I felt the same way you do. Luckily, my herpes has only been bothersome the 1st time I had an outbreak which was over 20 years ago. Unfortunately, not everyone has that same luck. You are not alone in this. I hope you're checking back on my blog and feel comfortable emailing me. You should really join an online support group Picking Up The Pieces I'm sure you'll find much comfort from that group.
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Hi, i'm sorry to just leave you a comment like this but i really dont know what to do, and you seem very knowledgeable. Anyway, I was diagnosed two days ago. I’m only 16 and it just so happens that the first time I decided to have sex would be the time I got this wonderful virus. Unfortunately my doctor did a very poor job in giving me this news and even explaining what it is. She simply stated, “You have herpes, any questions?” Obviously now I have about ten million questions, but at the time, I was in such complete shock that I was speechless and couldn’t possibly think of one question. After giving me about 2 minutes to think it over, my doctor then continued to say, “Alright, well have fun at prom tonight,” and that was it. Oh yes, the day I found out was also the night of my prom...sweet. Anyways, after letting the news sink in for two days, I am left really confused, and full of immense amount of crazy thoughts/questions. I was wondering if you would answer some of my questions and help me cope, b/c right now i really am lost. thanks alot.
Sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that you contracted herpes at such a young age. I know you are probably scared and probably a bit angry too, at yourself, at the "boy", but all I can right now, is I understand and applaud you for finding others who can share their hope and encouragement. I have found, and this is going to probably sound silly, but I have found that the more times you say the word herpes OUTLOUD, the easier it becomes to actually "hear" it and get used to it for just you. Don't let herpes define who you are as a young person. You are certainly not alone and you will find that it's truly a very common virus. What I would like to see is a huge rally to help spread awareness, to let others know that having herpes is not something to be ashamed of and to help heal those who have it, because after the initial, painful outbreaks, herpes tends to affect people more on an emotional level vs. physical. Give yourself some time, talk to others, find a support group, go to a therapist and let them know that you need someone to talk to, but whatever you do, always remember to smile and know you are NOT alone. Hang in there girl. Don't apologize for asking for help. That's why I started this blog, to be another person for people to reach out to. I'm OK and so are you :-) OH, and another thing I might add about Doctors.....I tend to see a common, "whatever" sort of attitude among many of them, so to me, that says how very common this virus is and how non-life threatening it is. Do Doctor's need to maybe realize that this is more of an emotional trauma and that maybe they should recommend that the person they have just diagnosed should go talk to a therapist? I think that what doctors could do to help is be made aware how many support groups, sponsored by ASHA are out in many of the major cities. You will find tons of other people living with herpes if you do a search via yahoo groups. Last time I did a search, there were over 500 different yahoo groups. Check my inspirational posts which talk more about those gatherings and how healing they can be.
Good luck to you :-)
Luanne
Hi.....I don't really know a lot about the virus. The reason that I am writing is because I just found out that my girlfriend has herpes. I acted very calm when she told me, but I was freaking out inside!! We had made love many times before she told me. I really like this girl, but I am also having a really hard time getting past this!! Any advise?? Can you have a normal life with the virus and what about having children? I would hate to think that I had to wear a condom the rest of my life during sex if we were to get married!! She told me that she hasn't had a breakout in well over a year and she doesn't even take the valtrex (sp??) anymore. Is this smart? All advise will be considered!! Thanks for reading.......
Hi there. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back with you.
It is very normal for you to be concerned and sometimes I have to remind myself that if the shoe were on the other foot, would I be so willing to say "sign me up". There is a risk of catching herpes, there's always a risk, but it depends on her too. Everyone is different, people don't all shed the same amount, some people have herpes worse than the next, depending on life style and some claim, foods you eat?? I honestly don't know if I believe that so much, but logically, the "toxins" we put into our bodies DOES play an important role......OK, so I tangent too :-)
What I'm thinking you're having the most difficulty getting past is the fact that it took her so long to tell you. And I'm sure you're thinking that you might now have it, which is true. What I recommend, is that you have the Western Blot test done and then you'll know if you've been exposed to herpes. Think of herpes like this, would you NOT kiss this girl if she were sporting a cold sore on her mouth? Probably not at the moment, but if you didn't see it there, you'd probably proceed per usual. Same situation applies to below the belt. Why should it be any different. Mind you, the shedding is what now seems to be a concern for so many people. If you really love this girl, and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, then don't let herpes stand in the way of your happiness. I, along with many others, have had lots of unprotected sex with our partners over the course of years and years and so far, they've been continually tested and it's never shown up for them. Really, having herpes is more of a social and emotional stigma vs. a real physical problem. It truly is NOT the end of the world. The best thing you can do is educate yourself and realize just HOW many people in our world today are living with herpes and the subject simply never comes up. Right??
:-) I'm not on supression, never have been and as I mentioned earlier, lots of unprotected sex in my past as well as a normal vaginal birth of my child and I didn't pass it on to him. Read this awesome post which I found on another message board. It was posted several years ago, but the message is still the same:
Luanne
I recently was diagnosed with gential herpes, and I was and still am truly devastated. The day I found out I told my boyfriend, who was very understanding and told me that it was okay and that I am going to be fine. I cried for a week. I am not sure if he gave it to me or if I got it from my past relationship, but I am worried that I will pass it to my nine year old if I touch him. I used to enjoy sex, but know I am afraid all the time. I am hoping this feeling will past. My boyfriend is going to get tested today to see if he has it or not. I pray that he does not. I know that I am supposed to feel normal, but I do not. I would love to have another baby, but I am afraid of that too. I am trying to be positive but it's hard.
Hang in there, you'll be just fine. Truly, it's not the end of the world having herpes. It makes you more aware of yourself and your body. I commend your boyfriend's attitude, but I hate to say it, that it makes me wonder if he doesn't already know he has it himself. I'll be curious to know his test results, not that it will matter at this point. Don't beat yourself up over this too much. The bottom line is, it takes time to get used to the "new you", but you'll soon find out that it's more of an emotional turmoil vs. a physical struggle with this (that's how it is for the majority of people). Hang in there and do keep me posted. I'm sorry you have herpes, but it could have been worse. Say the word Herpes outloud to yourself, over and over again and eventually, you'll get comfortable hearing it for yourself.
Hang in there girl :-)
Luanne
I wrote in a while ago talking about how upset I was when I found out I had herpes, and that my boyfriend was going to get tested. However, he never did; in fact he told me that he is not concerned at all about getting herpes or seeing if he is a carrier. It makes me wonder if he knows something and not telling me or he's just not concerned about it.
I know it sure would make me curious about it too. Sounds to me like he might be in denial. Mind you, not that a person should freak out about having herpes, because after all, it is JUST a virus, right, but nonetheless, I guess ignorance is bliss huh. Not sure what to tell you at this point, but for all you know, he could have something worse and that's the part which would concern me! Know what I mean. Good luck.
Hi I got herpes about a year ago and i don't now that much i have only slept with one person and he said he didnt have it..i am very confused bout it and i still have no clue what to do bout this viruse and i havent been out with anyone since i found out ...i am also looking online but it dosent tell me anything..my own parents dont now about it ...i have emotions that i cannot explain and my doctor didnt care well actually it was a wlak in clinic aghhh i am just writin nothin rilly
Hi there Anonymous....your boyfriend may have had herpes all along and never realized it. I'm sure you probably both didn't get tested prior to becoming intimate, but this day and age, in order for people to truly know their status, they really should get tested ahead of time. If he had it orally (many folks simply call this a coldsore, in my opinion 'sugar coating' the word herpes) and if he performed oral sex on you, he could have transferred it that way. What kind of herpes do you have? and Where? Do you engage in oral sex? I'm not surprised that the clinic didn't seem to offer more support. Doctors seem to take the stand which I do and that is that herpes is a virus, one which is non-life threatening and one which can be controlled by honesty (1st and foremost) and many do recommend daily suppression. What doctors need to realize is that people suffer more emotionally than physically by living with herpes. People who are diagnosed need to have someone they feel they can trust to talk to about this. It may seem unimportant to many, in the medical community, but it can be a very devasting blow to the person being diagnosed. What I recommend to people is to tell them to say the word 'herpes' out loud, several times to themselves. The more used to hearing the word yourself, the easier it becomes. Try it!! Are you generally closer to your Mom or your Dad? How old are you? Feel free to get in touch with me or interact on my blog. You can still remain anonymous. I do understand that need as well. Smile, having herpes is truly not the end of the world and nothing you should be ashamed up. Chin up girl :-) It's JUST a virus.
I'm 20 years old and I just found out that I have herpes two days ago. I really haven't left my room... just been crying, reading up on it, sleeping, etc. I do feel a little better about the whole incident now that I have read so many experiences and helpful websites on the matter. The worst part is going out with my friends and everyone acting normally talking about usual problems and what not. I have only told one person but neither of us really know what to say. I have decided to accept it, talk to a doctor about my options and move on. I still have to tell the person I have been sleeping with, which scares me the most; there is a big chance that I contracted the virus from him. Obviously, however, this may not be the case and it is difficult to track down even though I have not been sleeping around at all. I'm scared if he has it, and I'm even more scared of his reaction if he does not(ironically). Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences and wish me luck.
Pennie, what you are experiencing is so very common. It takes a while to wrap your mind around this, but trust me in that you'll be OK :-)
Good for you for acknowledging that it is what it is, something you have no power over and something which you simply have to accept about yourself and your new you. You will find that your honesty will become your strength.
I wouldn't be surprised if you got it from your current man and it's very possible that he didn't know he even had herpes to begin with. If he did know and didn't tell, what can I say but "shame on him". We're not perfect though, but it does need to be brought to his attention. Good luck to you and keep me posted.
Luanne
Hi! My bf and I have been together for almost a year and about 4 months ago he told me he thought he had herpes because he had some sores appear which then turned into blisters, along with the flu like symptoms,ect. He told me that he thought he got it seven years ago from his first gf, because he had a similiar occurence. He said he never had another oubreak again so he thought he was wrong about the first and never really thought about it again until now. I was very supportive when he told me but am still a little upset that he never mentioned this before. I asked him about his first outbreak and he said his gf told him she got it as a baby from someone that kissed her. I have a very hard time believing this and wander if this could be true. She never bothered to tell him anything until he had an ob and then told him that story. I guess it is just bothering me, could this be true? Also, does it seem possible that he could only have one ob and then seven years later have sex with me and get it? I have never had an ob or anything like that and we had already been together for 5 months prior to this ob??
"He said he never had another oubreak again so he thought he was wrong about the first and never really thought about it again until now."
That is extremely common. Many people will have an outbreak, ignore it and figure it's nothing when it just goes away.
I was very supportive when he told me but am still a little upset that he never mentioned this before.
Ignorance is bliss my friend and because he chose to ignore what he believed was herpes, he never educated himself to find out what was really going on with his body. It is common and that's why there are so many people who have herpes and/or pass it on, because they choose to ignore it.
I asked him about his first outbreak and he said his gf told him she got it as a baby from someone that kissed her.
Very possible and extremely likely
I have a very hard time believing this and wander if this could be true.
yep, it's very true. Coldsores are herpes of the mouth, ie: oral herpes and if she was having an outbreak or shedding when she performed oral sex on him the virus can then be transferred to the genital area. That's what happened to me too.
She never bothered to tell him anything until he had an ob and then told him that story.
She probably didn't consider it to be an STD. She probably just thought it was a "coldsore" and didn't realize that she could pass it on in the form of genital herpes. This is one of the more common forms of herpes is HSV1 from what I've read and heard from others.
I guess it is just bothering me, could this be true?
You have every right to be disappointed in his lack of educating himself, because after all, this sounds like a typical case of ignorance. I mean, who really wants to admit they might have something going on with their sexuality. We've always been taught that STD's are icky and you don't even want to go there, so why would someone want to face that reality. It's so much easier to just 'hope for the best'.
Also, does it seem possible that he could only have one ob and then seven years later have sex with me and get it?
yep, as your body becomes more used to the virus, you have less and less outbreaks. Has he been tested to find out exactly which kind he has?
I have never had an ob or anything like that and we had already been together for 5 months prior to this ob??
I hate to say this, but it's very possible that you too could have genital herpes and not even know it. Many people are carrying the virus and are simply unaware. Even if you go to the clinic to get 'tested for STD's' the clinics don't automatically check for herpes, it's something you need to ask to be checked for. Many times they won't test for it unless you're having an outbreak, but if you really want to know, they can check for antibodies using the Western Blot test. Get tested so that you know. If you're like me, you would rather be honest with any future partners and based on what you're telling me, you would have preferred if you would have known from the beginning and rightly so. That's what many of us who are dealing with this virus are trying to instill upon others is to have the talk. There are so many other STD's out there which are life threatening, yet Herpes is not (except in very extreme cases, mostly neonatal herpes) and herpes neuralgia is a very painful form of herpes, but not as common as genital or oral herpes.
Good luck with your situation and keep me posted. Get tested and you'll then know if you've contracted it as well. You're not alone and it's not the end of the world.
Im so scared. Im afraid to have herpes. The pictures I see when I google it on google images. I have something that doesn't really itch, burn, or hurt and it's not oozing anything. Im really hoping it is just a little tear. My boyfriend's never really had anything that looked like a herpes sore. We both have genital warts. But no longer really ever get an outbreak. Im scared to have that and herpes. Does that make me ugly or dirty or worthless? Im so scared. I saw a tiny tiny cold sore looking thing next to something that looks like it tore maybe, it would always hurt when we have sex lately for about two months. But I was tested before and didnt have it. Im so so so scared. I dont want to have huge outrageous sores that will hurt down there. Im 18, if these are my teen years, how is my older years going to be!! Im going to the doctor tomarrow to get my new results from a test a couple weeks ago. I hope she'll have time to look at whatever this is. Gosh, Im so scared you guys! After sex, I would always rush to the bathroom and clean myself. Why is this happening!?
Im so scared. Im afraid to have herpes.
First of all, calm down, it'll be ok, really. Get tested so you'll know for sure. Not everything which happens down below is herpes OK. I do understand your fear though because we've all been there.
The pictures I see when I google it on google images.
Honestly, these pictures are sometimes the worst case scenarios. Many times, the 1st outbreak is the absolute worst and yes, can look the worst, but as time goes on, your body gets used to living with the virus and future outbreaks are not nearly as bad for most people.
I have something that doesn't really itch, burn, or hurt and it's not oozing anything. Im really hoping it is just a little tear.
Usually, if you're having an outbreak (and remember, you could have herpes and show no symptoms) then the outbreak tends to be a bit painful. It's your bodies way of letting you know to not ignore what's going on.
My boyfriend's never really had anything that looked like a herpes sore. We both have genital warts.
Genital Warts is a form of HPV
But no longer really ever get an outbreak. Im scared to have that and herpes. Does that make me ugly or dirty or worthless?
absolutely NOT!!! Herpes will not and does not define who you are as a person, so don't allow it to control you.
Im so scared. I saw a tiny tiny cold sore looking thing next to something that looks like it tore maybe, it would always hurt when we have sex lately for about two months. But I was tested before and didnt have it. Im so so so scared. I dont want to have huge outrageous sores that will hurt down there.
My best advice is to get tested and MAKE SURE they are testing for herpes because they won't automatically test for it unless you are having an outbreak.
Im 18, if these are my teen years, how is my older years going to be!!
You are NOT alone
Positive Singles for Dating
Im going to the doctor tomarrow to get my new results from a test a couple weeks ago.
Please let me know what the doctor tells you. Wishing you well.
I hope she'll have time to look at whatever this is. Gosh, Im so scared you guys!
Don't be afraid, you just need to be responsible and realize that bad things do happen to good people, but after all, herpes is JUST a virus, one which you need to educate yourself about and be sure to let future sex partners know of your situation.
After sex, I would always rush to the bathroom and clean myself. Why is this happening!?
We're not herpes proof my friend and that's the sad fact of herpes.
Positive Singles for Dating
Luanne, You are very sweet to be helping everyone with their issues on this. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post!
Im the one who you last responded to, talking about how Im afraid to have genital wart and herpes.
Well, I went to the doctor today and I didn't think my doctor would have the sort of "whatever" attitude towards this kind of thing, but she did. And that was probably the most upsetting thing at the time she read my results. At first she read herpes, negative. And I felt so relieved and happy. But then she said, "Oh wait, I was reading it wrong, Gonnorhea, negative and Herpes, positive.
I was devasted! I wanted to cry at that moment but made myself freeze up inside. And after that she just kept reading down the list of results which were all negative.
The only thing is, it says I am negaative for both types and the doctor said the lab work just detected an acute form of the virus. But she checked down there on me, and saw nothing. And I do get cold sores. I've been getting them ever since I was younger. She said it could just be that and just type 1 maybe. I guess what I thought I saw down there, was nothing really at all, because I tried to show it to her but when I saw it in better lighting it didn't really look like anything. She said I was clean. And because I dont have anything down there she thinks it could just be the cold sores I get because cold sores are considered a form of herpes. I didn't even understand what she was saying at first and I went home to my mother who returned to the doctor's office with me to go over the results. The nurse explained it to my mom and my mom is telling me not to worry and just relax. She says they said right now, I am negative for it and that my cold sores were detected as a form of the herpes virus. Im so confused. Im still so scared!! And my boyfriend, I called him crying after first getting the results and hung up on him saying I dont think he's going to love me after this and look at me different. I really am afraid of that. Im so afraid of what his results might say. He wants to get tested sometime soon, I just really hope he keeps up on that goal. Should I push him to do it like he says he is? My mom says I should hold out on sex until he does. Im really afraid, what if he doesn't have it, or does and it's down there. Gosh, I sound like a baby, but when I get scared that is how I act, like a baby. I just dont know what to think. Im hoping its just, if anything, the type 1. The doctor said, thats what it is unless I get something down there and then I need to go get that coultered, sp? and see if it holds the virus. I've been crying for three days and Im so afraid it would be harder for someone to love me. Im so pathetic right now.
Luanne, You are very sweet to be helping everyone with their issues on this. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post!
You're most welcome. Believe me, we've all been through this emotionally devasting diagnosis and have come to simply accept it for what is is, a VIRUS
Im the one who you last responded to, talking about how Im afraid to have genital wart and herpes.
Well, I went to the doctor today and I didn't think my doctor would have the sort of "whatever" attitude towards this kind of thing, but she did. And that was probably the most upsetting thing at the time she read my results.
I guess the attitude that all of us need to take is that if the doctors view this is a "whatever" type of condition, then we too can be allowed to view it that way. The biggest change that all of us need to take is the view that it is just that, a virus and we won't die from it, but we do need to have some responsibility with std's and our sexual health. It truly is not the end of the world and you can't let herpes define who you are as a person.
At first she read herpes, negative. And I felt so relieved and happy. But then she said, "Oh wait, I was reading it wrong, Gonnorhea, negative and Herpes, positive.
oh geez!! If doctors only knew how much we work ourselves up over our diagnosis then to have her say no, then yes immediately. I totally understand your disappointment and sense of relief you felt for about 2 seconds. For lack of a better way to say it "That sucks"!!
I was devasted! I wanted to cry at that moment but made myself freeze up inside. And after that she just kept reading down the list of results which were all negative.
The only thing is, it says I am negative for both types and the doctor said the lab work just detected an acute form of the virus.
What the heck does that mean? You're negative for both, yet you have an acute form of the virus? Ok, that's a new one on me. I would ask her to explain that comment just a bit more. Maybe what she meant is that you are negative at the moment, meaning not shedding, but that you are a carrier??? I would ask the doc.
But she checked down there on me, and saw nothing. And I do get cold sores. I've been getting them ever since I was younger. She said it could just be that and just type 1 maybe.
You know, I meant to comment on the 'small cuts' you saw in your vaginal area. I know that for me and many others, it has been described similiar to a paper cut for some people and also, what I've read is that, according to many people (I'm not a doctor) that if you have HSV-1 (this can both be genital and/or oral and transmitted by your typical coldsore which MANY, MANY people have and is definitely oral herpes. When they perform oral sex on a partner, they could transfer the oral herpes to the genital area and based on other peoples experiences, if they have HSV-1 (coldsores down yonder) that this form of herpes is not as painful and/or does not appear as frequently or as painfully as the HSV2 version.
I guess what I thought I saw down there, was nothing really at all, because I tried to show it to her but when I saw it in better lighting it didn't really look like anything. She said I was clean.
That's why I'm thinking that it might be a paper cut version. Does it hurt to urinate? Paper cut types of sores are difficult to actually see sometimes. Think about when you get a paper cut on your finger.
And because I dont have anything down there she thinks it could just be the cold sores I get because cold sores are considered a form of herpes. I didn't even understand what she was saying at first and I went home to my mother who returned to the doctor's office with me to go over the results. The nurse explained it to my mom and my mom is telling me not to worry and just relax. She's right!! :-) She says they said right now, I am negative for it and that my cold sores were detected as a form of the herpes virus. That's because cold sores is herpes. It's HSV1 Im so confused. Im still so scared!! Again, what you're experiencing is totally normal.And my boyfriend, I called him crying after first getting the results and hung up on him saying I dont think he's going to love me after this and look at me different. Again, normal to feel that way in the beginning, but you are still you!! I really am afraid of that. Im so afraid of what his results might say. He wants to get tested sometime soon, I just really hope he keeps up on that goal. Me too because if he has it too, then you have nothing to really worry about as far as the relationship between the two of you. It's a good thing to know what's going on with our bodies anyway. Should I push him to do it like he says he is? My mom says I should hold out on sex until he does. I wouldn't really "push" him, but I would say to him that it would make you feel better and him too if both of you knew your status and that you want to protect him if at all possible from getting it if he doesn't have it. You can proceed with a normal, healthy sex life. This does not have to change that totally, unless of course you're having an obvious outbreak, then I would abstain. The most frustrating part about this virus for me is the asymptomatic shedding which can occur and you won't even know it. That's what's infuriating and frustrating to me. I don't take any medicine for my herpes because my belief is that whether I take the meds or not, there is still no guarantee that I won't transmit it, even though, I've had many sexual relationships, and even unprotected ones where I never passed the virus on to anyone else, but then again, there are no guarantee's and I'm certainly not promoting not using a condom, nor am I promoting not taking meds. It really should be a personal choice, one which you and your partner would need to make together. Im really afraid, what if he doesn't have it, or does and it's down there. Gosh, I sound like a baby, but when I get scared that is how I act, like a baby. I just dont know what to think. Im hoping its just, if anything, the type 1. The doctor said, thats what it is unless I get something down there and then I need to go get that coultered, sp? and see if it holds the virus.another thought, you might want to get a hold of your actual results and have them read by another doctor to see what their analysis of the readings are. It's very possible that your doctor doesn't have a whole lot of experience with reading these types of results and/or not good at conveying what the results actually mean. Wouldn't hurt to get a 2nd opinion. Did they do the Western blot test on you or do you know? I've been crying for three days and Im so afraid it would be harder for someone to love me. Im so pathetic right now.
Again, you will be fine. Hang in there and have your boyfriend get tested. Join some online support groups to get other people's opinions and read other people's true stories. You will find the strength you need to get through this and learn to accept and understand it. If you live in a larger city, there very well may be some support and or social groups which you could go and meet others face to face who will be totally understanding to your situation. Meeting other people who also have herpes was the very best thing which I could have done for myself and I know it will help you too. Find out those specific results so that you can move forward. Trust me, you will be OK and I'm also very very glad you confided in your Mom. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that because they feel so ashamed and they shouldn't feel that way, but it's easier said than done sometimes, believe me, I know
:-) Have a wonderful weekend and keep me posted.
:) Yeah, my mom is going to change my doctor and get me a gynecologist. sp? I could have one of the new doctors review it with me. Im kind of scared they'll tell me I do have it for sure.
-Im the person from
I was wondering, when you have it down there will you know because you'll feel it? I dont really want to be stressing out every day checking myself fifty million times hoping I wont find anything. I just want to go about my normal life and try to still live my life to the fullest and not need to check and worry every day. So, could I do that? Will I feel anything specific down there if I get something? I think I could be allergic to latex condoms, so what do you think I could do about that? I want to be protected during all of this. And if I never get something down there, would I need to protect myself all the time with my boyfriend? Im on birth control. We stopped using protection probably half a year ago. The results I got are confusing, the doctor says Im negative but I do get cold sores. My mom says she understands good. She says I get cold sores, which is the form of herpes they're talking about which makes me suseptable to the virus meaning I can get it extremely easy if exposed to the type 2.
I guess I just want to know, if my boyfriend and I are not getting anything down there and I just keep getting my cold sores like I have, do we NEED to wear protection? See how confused I am!! Im so glad I can talk to someone about this!
since entering into the Herpevac vaccine Jan of last year i have learned a lot about herpes - and i am in the medical field but found that our classes were totally lacking about this virus.
herpes is much more common then i ever thought it would be, and so many people do NOT know that they actually have it - either type I or II. Also, with better methods of detecting it we are finding that the type really does not equal body spot of infection. Do i think of myself as better then others b/c of my (thus so far) negitive status - heck no! would i not date someone just because they already know that they are infected with HSVII (as many with it seem to think) - nope i would rather be with someone that actually knows their status and does what they can with me to prevent transmission. If i were to end up contracting it, then thats what happens. I get really burned up when people state that they are "STI/STD FREE" when in fact most doctors do not even bother to test for HSV (per US medical standards) and there is no blood test for HPV. Many in tgh emedical field do not test for HSV even when someone asks "for everything" as they think that a positive test would be too devistating!?!? They are the ones adding to the whole aspect of being ashamed and fearful and does not help at all. if more people actually knew their status then it would not be such a big deal.
Hopefully with all of the media attention on how hard it is to test for HPV, and how many people actually have it, HSV will finially be able to be seen for what it is - a virus - or as my GYN stated "a skin disorder that sometimes acts up".
From my vaccine center i have a tee shirt that has herpes stats on it - people tend to read my shirt and then look at me and ask "REALLY?! that many people have it?!"
I am writing this as a middle aged woman who has had hsv2 for four years. A woman who is in the dating scene.
In the relationship in which herpes became an issue, I have to say that if he had told me he had herpes, I probably would've still pursued a relationship with him. Things would've been more careful, but the relationship would've continued.
But I'm not sure I'd feel that way about everyone I have dated in the past. Sometimes the person just isn't trustworthy enough to take the risk with. I guess I have a more difficult time with someone who isn't forthcoming about important issues like health, money, communicating, period.
I am currently in a relationship where we have chosen, at this time to not have intercourse because he is nervous. Frankly, so am I. I had such a hard time with it at first physically and emotionally; I don't want to visit that upon someone I care about. But it is interesting that we can be making out and he can breathlessly say "I really hate your virus because I so want to ......." and it sounds damn romantic. And it is kind of odd to have hand santizer on the night stand with other stuff, but it means that we both take our health seriously.
The support that has come to me from my family and from friends and my church has been phenomenal. I know that herpes is not the end of the world, but it does carry a stigma in society and people are just not comfortable with someone who says "So, I have herpes and the other day ..."
But I gotta tell you that it's something that needs attention. Knowing what prodome feels like for you is essential in minimizing the discomfort of an outbreak. Knowing what can cause an outbreak is important.
That was a long way to say the short answer is I'm not sure I would've slept with someone who told me they had herpes before I got it myself. It really is highly dependent on the trust and care in the relationship. And if they told me, I'm thinking that trust and faith were there.
I feel like I've talked in circles, but I think you get my point.
I've been with my partner for two and a half years. And only him. I have been getting cold sores ever since I was a kid. He never got any cold sores until recently he bit his lip or something and a bubble appeared and he likes to bite on it some more, so it now looks like a small cold sore. And he's been biting on the side of his lip when he gets bored, so it looks like a thin top layer of his lip is missing. Im telling him to stop!! Could I have made him get cold sores maybe? I was the anonymous up there that you responded to Luanne, about how I have warts and am afraid to have herpes also. You responded twice.
But moving on, my boyfriend and I haven't had any herpes like sores down there yet but are nervous about it.
Do we need to wear condoms every time? Weve had unprotected sex so many times, more than protected. I am on birthcontrol. We've been together for two and half years, im just asking cant we go about our business like we always have? By now it will have already been too late for one of us not to have it and only one does. But I'm super nervous that sex would make a break out happen. The doctor said it wouldn't increase the number of breakouts or anything like that, it just depends on how your body handles it. If I do just have the cold sores and thats it. If I dont engage in oral, could my cold sores like, move down to my genitals or his if were just having sex normally? I have so many questions! How should I go about my sex life with my one and only partner of two and a half years? And he likes oral and I've done it a couple times in these years when I dont have a cold sore and my mouth is clean and he's just gotten out of the shower. Can I still do that, or will he get something down there? He hasn't had anything yet. I always rinse my mouth with listerine right after also. Im just so lost and confused Luanne, you seem to know so much, I hope you find the time to respond to this post! I talk to my mom about it and she said, I should just be with him like I was before. Everything is fine so far, so she says I need to just keep loving him freely. My mom is very understanding of this stuff but yes, she is still very protective of me. And I read that herpes can appear behind the knee on your leg, and I've gotten a rash there before, also on the inner part of my arm behind my elbow, but they go away when I put vit E on it, I only started getting these strange rashes ever since I started working at an Elementary school because all the kids hang on my arms or legs. What do you think Luanne?
Anonymous,
I completely understand your confusion! It isn't easy to know exactly what you can and can't do to be safe. I've searched so many books and research articles looking for definitive "rules" that will tell me exactly what I can do, and you know what? you won't really find hard answers. The truth is, almost everything has *some* risk. the question is, how much of a risk? We take risks everyday when we get in a car. The best you can do is communicate with your partner to decide together what you both are comfortable with. if you think it's already too late, (I know it's hard to bite the bullet) but get tested. then you won't have to worry about what's happened in the past. I don't know about you, but for me, knowing is a lot easier to deal with than not knowing.
Luanne, i was diagnosed with herpes almost 6 months ago. Im pretty sure i got it from the guy id been seeing on and off for 3 years. I found out afterward that he was sleeping with someone else for at least the last 4 months of our involvement. When i told him i might have it he was supportive but disappeared the next day. when i told him i for sure had it and the doctor said considering my sexual history, it was most likely from him, he went into complete denial. i begged him to go with me for the results and he said no, but he went to get tested with the other woman he was seeing behind my back. I know this is no big deal but im having a terrible time coping with the strain of knowing i contracted an STD from someone i loved who was my best friend and betrayed me so badly. I want to start dating again but i havent met only on mpwh and im terrified of having to tell someone new that i have herpes. ive had 3 outbreaks in the last 5 months and they are so painful sometimes i cant sit or stand comfortably. i only have 1 sore, thank god. i cant imagine how much worse it is if you have multiple sores! Now my father needs a kidney and i very much want to be able to be a donor, but he is the only person in my family who doesnt know about the herpes and im afraid it will make me inelligible to be a donor, or that i will have to tell him and i think that would just kill me. would i sleep with someone with herpes? if i had known, and been given the facts... i dont know. and thats the only answer i can give. in this day and age... how often do you find a relationship that physically moves so slowly that youre already in love before you have sex? maybe thats cynical... but its also the truth, and since you CAN catch herpes with condom use... what options are there?
I dont really want to be stressing out every day checking myself fifty million times hoping I wont find anything. I just want to go about my normal life and try to still live my life to the fullest and not need to check and worry every day. So, could I do that?
Then don't check yourself every day :-) Life is too short to live stressed out over a bloomin' virus!! KWIM Just be responsible with it and you and anyone else you are involved with will be fine. There truly is not alot we can do about it and stress is one of the biggest triggers of herpes outbreaks, so stress will certainly not help. :-)
Will I feel anything specific down there if I get something?
many people, myself included experience tingles or slight pain when urinating. Eventually, you'll be in tune to what is going on and remember, not everything is a herpes outbreak.
I think I could be allergic to latex condoms, so what do you think I could do about that?
definitely ask your doctor because if that's what is going on, then you can change the type of condom you're using. I would check with an allergist on that.
I want to be protected during all of this. And if I never get something down there, would I need to protect myself all the time with my boyfriend?
not necessarily, but the only issue is, there are no guarantee's. Has your boyfriend been tested for any/all STD's? That's the first step is to find out his status too.
Im on birth control. We stopped using protection probably half a year ago. The results I got are confusing, the doctor says Im negative but I do get cold sores. My mom says she understands good. She says I get cold sores, which is the form of herpes they're talking about which makes me suseptable to the virus meaning I can get it extremely easy if exposed to the type 2.
I guess I just want to know, if my boyfriend and I are not getting anything down there and I just keep getting my cold sores like I have, do we NEED to wear protection? See how confused I am!! Im so glad I can talk to someone about this!
so you're saying you just have the cold sores in the mouth area?That's what I'm reading.
There are LOTS and LOTS of us living with herpes, so you're not alone
Sandra Therese - I totally agree with everything you said!!
would i not date someone just because they already know that they are infected with HSVII (as many with it seem to think) nope i would rather be with someone that actually knows their status and does what they can with me to prevent transmission. If i were to end up contracting it, then thats what happens. I get really burned up when people state that they are "STI/STD FREE" when in fact most doctors do not even bother to test for HSV
Thank you for sharing your thoughts anonymous (middle aged woman). It helps to know that others may benefit from our struggles.
to that girl in NY:
"I know this is no big deal"
It isn't, but it is. It's a big deal in that you're taking this very seriously and your ex simply doesn't want to admit to shall I say "flawed". Heck, who really does want to admit it, right? But it is the right thing to do and as others have indicated, wouldn't you rather know than not?
I totally hear your frustration. Sort of a case of you're damned if you do and damned if ya don't. Do you live near a big city? I always recommend spending time around others (in live time) who are living with herpes. It is the absolute best medicine, I believe that one can do for themselves. The beauty of it is, you don't even have to "have the talk", because you already know that you already have it. It truly is the best medicine. You have to be right with yourself before anyone else can be OK with you having herpes. Say the actual word OUT LOUD a few times. It gets easier to hear yourself say it if you do it a few times. I'm serious. try it :-) and give yourself a break and give yourself some time. Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. This is truly NOT the end of the world.
Oral Herpes, The outline of my lips have been stinging ever since I did something a little immature with my friends. I sort of inhaled helium, I guess you could say and we were getting kind of high off of it, but ever since then the outline of my lips have been stinging. It feels like I have lip liner on that stings. Not my lips, just the outline. I dont really have anything there either, its happened to me before, but I could actually see dry skin. What could it be? Its pretty weird, I dont understand it and I put vasaline and vit e on it, but it doesn't make it stop stinging really, because theres nothing really there. what could be going on?
Hi,
I’ve been reading these posts and I have a question. I’ve met a young woman that I've fallen head over heels for and want a long term relationship with. We met and was together for a little while before she went back home. A few weeks later she flew back and she told me that she contracted herpes 9 years ago. I was cool but almost passed out. Jesus.
I was cool about it, like a previous poster stated. However we had not had sex yet up till that point. She explained every thing to me. I decided after deep discussions with her to make love to her and at this point I'm not looking back. I've familiarized myself about the disease and feel comfortable and safe. She said that she is not on any meds and that she has had only 4 outbreaks in all that time. Her outbreaks usually consist of no more that 2-3 small sores (below the belt) and they last 3-4 days. After reading this blog, I feel better and more informed.
I want to marry this woman, but my questions are simple. Can I have children with this woman? Her Doctor has told her that she is more than ready. Will medicine further suppress the outbreaks or start outbreaks? Which medicine should she take?
What are my chances, even taking the precautions, of ever contracting this virus from her? There’s a lot more questions I have but my concern is my own health.
Understand this, I’m already in love with her. We are in Love with each other. Anyone reading this has to ask yourself, Can you look past the negativity? Can you live with it? I’ve asked and answered my own questions. This is my start in understanding what I will be dealing with. So any advice will be greatly appreciated.
First of all, I want to commend you on seeking information and getting educated so that you can move forward and just enjoy yourselves and hopefully your future lives together. I hate to sound so simple minded about this, but really, it is "just a virus".
yes, you can have children. I had my son vaginally and never passed it on. You're girlfriend sounds alot like me in that my outbreaks are very infrequent and I don't take meds either. As far as I know, I never passed it on either, but EVERYONE is different and there is always that risk.
Good for her for telling you relatively early on in the relationship. It takes a whole lot of courage and self respect to admit to a flaw about yourself in which someone you really care about might reject you over. She did the right thing by telling you. I think you've found someone who is worthy of keeping if she cared enough about you to inform.
********************************
ok, you ask this:
Will medicine further suppress the outbreaks or start outbreaks? the studies claim that it does, but I personally believe that because there is no guarantee, why bother. Maybe I'm wrong in feeling that way, but I see no reason to subject myself to another pill which doesn't cure or give any guarantees. I believe it should be a personal choice. Which medicine should she take?majority of people take Valtrex, but she should/could check with her doctor
What are my chances, even taking the precautions, of ever contracting this virus from her? honestly, it's really like Russian Roulette. It's the shedding which could infect you and you not even see it comin'. For me, I abstained when I felt as though I might be having an outbreak physically speaking. I honestly don't know if that even could have been shedding, but they claim that a person won't know if they're shedding. They also say condoms help to minimize, but again, no guarantee there because herpes is transmitted by skin to skin contact. There’s a lot more questions I have but my concern is my own health.and rightly so. I know that if I would have been given the choice, I probably wouldn't have said "Sure!! Sign me UP!!!" *wink* so I totally understand your concern, but seriously, having herpes, for me and for the majority of people I've talked to has simply been a minor inconvenience physically. I have seen that it has emotionally devastated/frustrated people more so because of the stigma associated with it. Good luck and keep me posted.
to the anonymous poster who posted about inhaling helium....
yeah, that's not very smart, but I can't say as I've never done it either. Did you go to the Doctor to have it checked out? I suppose it's possible that you could be allergic to the latex in the balloons or maybe the helium had some sort of adverse reaction on your skin. I highly doubt it is herpes, but I'm not a doctor so you might want to have it checked out. I did try to do some research on the web for you about it, but didn't find anything specific.
Let me know :-) Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
if i did not have it, i probably would not sleep with anyone who had it as well. before my ex gave me herpes, i did not know what any std was except for HIV.
well, all I can do is tell you my story and hope that it will put your mind at east. Mind you, this is the watered down version:
I had my first serious boyfreind at age 18, the relationship lasted 4 years. When I was 24, I was the victim of a sexual assault (at that point, I didn't tell anyone it had happened/it was not reported), a week later, I got what I called a "rash"...it was really just a bump that itched. I went to an STD clinic where I was told it was an ingrown hair. WEll, over these last 8 years, I have been back to my GYN several times with the same "itchy bump" in the same spot...GYN told me it was an ingrown hair but I insisted on having the blood test for herpes the last time I went to the GYN (this past November). I was devistated by the results.
I am 32 years old but I still told my parents because I felt like I had nobody else to count on and I knew my family wouldn't betray me. It was only then that my father told me that one of our relatives contracted it during her first marriage (her husband was cheating on her).
This relative went on to re-marry and have 2 healthy children (natural child birth too) and to my knowledge, her current husband has never caught herpes from her and they have been married for 18 years.
People really are at less of a risk of catching it from a partner that has it and knows it than from someone who does not know. Here is how I like to explain it to people...if the odds of winning on a slot machine in VEgas were 1 in 4, everyone would run to Vegas because they have a good chance of winning...well...1 in 4 people have HSV2...thing is, 90% of those people DON'T KNOW they have it... high odds of catching it....so that's why I don't understand people who "run" when an HSV2 positive person "tells"...they are not eliminating their risk of ever catching it by ending a relationship with an HSV2+ person....if anything, they are increasing their chances of getting it. Just my .02
so i recently started tanning again after almost a year. a week after i had started tanning i basically got all of the beginning symptoms.. the tingling, the itching, the burning. i had no idea what was wrong until one morning i googled my symptoms and up came a bunch of websites on herpes. i freaked. i went to my ob gyn and she told me that yes, she'd obviously have to send in the results, but she knew it was. only thing is, is i've been with my bf for about 4 yrs now and guess what.. i have the 1st type. he gets cold sores and must have passed it on to me orally. how devastated was i? im still freaking out. knock on wood, it only hurt for about 4 days and now, i feel a little funny down there but im hoping its going away. i've educated myself in the last couple of days but i still have SO many questions. im so scared! will it come back soon? will i give it him? cause as far as i know, he doesnt have it down there. (hes obviously going to the doctor soon) but i dunno, im so confused! is it possible that i'll never see it again? which i pray for. my gyn wasnt very helpful at all actually. she just said that the simplex1 isnt nearly as bad. ok? so thats compared to what? can it be passed on my clothes, say to a different area? bc right now its only in one small spot. im so clueless.. bc the questions i have are far beyond the normal education. does medication really work? should i take it everyday? bc i will pay ANYTHING to never see this EVER again! im just basically devastated and would love anyones stories advice, anything! has anyone had the first outbreak and never seen or felt anything again? i cant even imagine having sex again. my bf is completely understanding and wants to continue a normal sex life.. im sure we;re going to get married eventually, but what if that doesnt work, i dont want to tell anyone else! i have so many emotions going through me! anything will help, thanks
Sunday 30th September 2007
It would be a really serious decision for me to have to make to have sexual-intercourse with someone who has herpes.I don't have herpes but i am not a slag,i don't sleep around i have not had many sexual-partners,and now i would really think twice about sleeping with someone i hardly knew,because they might not be a very nice person and i would not want to feel i gave them some part of myself they did not deserve to get that close to.
If they had caught herpes from another profligate sexual -partner ,maybe it was not their fault,i would have some sympathy;but if they caught herpes because they were just a male-slag who screwed-around because it made them feel big,worse,if they caught herpes from a pro$titute;this would so disgust me at their soulessness and callousness and vileness,it would really make me think they really weren't a very caring person and i would really feel disgusted and angry with them if they told me they had caught herpes from a sh$tty little stupid-wh$re b$tch piece of vermin-scum-para$ite-on-planet earth.
if i liked them as a person,,maybe if i fooled myself they had done a lot of personal-work on themselves and become a more feeling person;it would still be a really difficult thing for me to have to deal with-because of their sh$tty souless ,callous,selfish-cunt -past.i would find it really difficult and painful to be in a relationship with this kind of sexual-history ,i would feel like i was acting-out some kind-of -abuse in being with someone whose behaviour in the past had been so souless and callous and selfish.but i don't know,i have never been faced with this very difficult hurtful situation.i hope i never will.
yours sincerely,
marianna jane close (UK)
Marianna Jane. Thank you for stopping by and posting your comment on my blog.
I'm curious where you get the impression that people who have herpes must have been skank ho's? or slept around alot. It doesn't happen that way for everyone, many people got it the first time they ever had sex or were given oral herpes when their momma kissed em on the lips and she probably didn't realize she had herpes of the mouth. Herpes really is not a huge deal, but society has said it's so horrible, when in fact it's not. Mind you, I have learned to minimize it for myself, because had I not, I'd probably be going crazy, but the bottom line is, I'm not a whore, not a skank and certainly won't die from living with herpes. It is "just a virus" afterall.
I was browsing on information on HSV II probably for the millionth time and ran across this blog. I guess I really need to vent about what is going on inside me. I got dx w/HSV II a year and a half ago. I am still devastated about it. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and now I feel hopeless knowing that I will have to pass this information on to the next guy I am with. It would be so much easier if the world saw it the way you did Luanne, but they don't and who knows when they will. I work in the medical field so I see and hear how people react to others who are infected. I feel ashamed and have no self-esteem. I don't think it matters how much I talk about it, I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out again. When will this feeling ever go away and I accept me for me? Someone said it, If I don't accept myself then how can I expect somebody else to do the same? I honestly don't feel like I ever will...
I too was just recently diagnosed, and am feeling very similar to how you describe yourself as feeling. I'm divorced, my ex had HSV2, told me so after we had been having unprotected sex about a month and a half into the relationship...I was too involved by then to back out, especially having already been exposed. We were together for 13 years and I never had an OB until this last year. I'm so grateful to have found this blog. Getting diagnosed, losing my ignorance, has opened my eyes to issues I need to work on before I start another relationship. I can't pretend to accept myself. I really must find a way to fully love and accept myself. And I have felt a profound sense of worthlessness and despair, something I haven't experienced for a long time. I believe there is an important and loving (not punishing) lesson for me in all of this. I hope that you will find a way to express your feelings, get support, and let the sadness pass.
to anonymous who posted on: Monday, November 19, 2007 8:21:00 PM
There is not much more I can say except hang in there. Learn to accept yourself in your new skin. Say the word herpes, out loud a few times to yourself. It's amazing how much easier it gets each time you actually hear the words.
And to the anonymous poster directly above this response, thank you for your thoughts. I hope they help the anon poster directly before you. You are right on that you need to accept yourself first.
With everything in life, we need to find the goodness in it all. I'm a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". The hard part is finding that reason or message, but it's there. You just need to find it within yourself. You'll be OK and you won't die from this. :-)
Last year when i was on vacation in Mexico and still very "pure" ,no previous experiences, I was raped. I didn't really tell anyone because I felt it was my fault. It has been about a year since and I haven't had any sexual contact, and I've never had oral sex, and I have a small red sore on my labia. I am really scared. It burns sort of and hurts a little. I think it might be herpes from what I've read about it. I'm getting tested on Monday, and I am so afraid of the results. I've never had any good sexual experiences yet, and now it's possible that I will always have to have this thing in the back of my mind..... How long does it take to get herpes results back?
anonymous - thank you for stopping by. First of all, I'd like to say, I'm sorry that you were raped. I personally, luckily, have not been through that, so for the time being, you just need to breathe.
Please don't turn this "sore" into something which it might not be. It could be something as simple as an ingrown hair, based on the things you've told me, it could be herpes as well, but just make sure that when you go to the doctor that they check you for any/all STD's (including herpes) and you might as well get an AIDS test too while you're at it or you will worry yourself sick until you know for sure.
Please do let me know what the doctor tells you. I'll be here if you need to vent, talk, ask questions.......whatever :-) If you find out it is herpes, it is NOT the end of the world. But let's see what the doc says first.
I've been reading these comments and replies for about an hour and first of all I want to thank you for being here for everyone, including myself. Here's my situation:
I met this woman a few years ago, we lost contact, and found each other again, not too long ago. Just a little background for ya. We'd been talking about dating then she went to the doctor and found out she has the virus.
I really care about her and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can ... I just think I'm doing a piss poor job of it. I'm not too good with words.
The way I see it, I care about HER, nothing else. The virus, like others' before me have said, doesnt make who you are.
I want to be with her, no matter what. I just dont know how to make her feel better about herself. It tears me apart knowing she's in pain and there's nothing I can do.
It blew my mind when she told me, not what she told me, but that she actually told me. I think that right there made me fall for her. The honesty and her trust in me.
So, since I've blabbed on forever, my question is what can I do to help her see what I see in her and that she's not "a person with a virus" ... she's just a person?
Thank you
-BMW
Good morning BMW: Thank you for posting your comments.
You said: I just dont know how to make her feel better about herself.
First of all, has she been reading about herpes and other people's stories, thoughts and opinions. Show her this blog because I'm sure, someplace in here, I discuss how I used to feel and how over time, I have learned to realize that Herpes is what it is, simply a virus. Has she ever been involved with local support or social groups? I personally have never been to a "support" group meeting, NEVER, but.....I have been to plenty of social gatherings and that is what helped me get through it, just knowing I wasn't a freak or alone. Have her read my 'supportive strangers' post (noted under my favorite posts) and maybe she'll start to understand. I'm a real person and I've been living with herpes for gosh, 20 years or almost 20 years (I quit counting) and She just has to learn that "She is not herpes". :-) Also, have her the say the word outloud a few times, that too makes it easier to accept. If you're able to actually stomach saying the word, let alone hearing yourself say it, it gets easier all the time. Might sound kind of strange, but seriously, it helps.
and lastly you said "It blew my mind when she told me, not what she told me, but that she actually told me. I think that right there made me fall for her. The honesty and her trust in me."
Does she realize how wonderful that made you feel? That she trusted you enough to confide in you? If you're not having open dialogue about herpes, then you should start (from a supportive angle of course). Communication about it and showing that you're OK with it is what will help her. I don't know if she is just avoiding the topic or what's going on or if you're trying to communicate. It's so very important in a relationship in general, to simply communicate. Honesty and openness are two of the greatest virtues and you've recognized that in her. Good for you. Now make sure if you haven't already told her "thank you" make sure she knows you're sincere about how happy you are that you've found such a gem in her. It takes ALOT of guts to admit you have herpes and to then deal with the possible rejection. Thank you for being open minded enough to realize it's simply a virus. Kudos to you BMW.
Let me know how things go.
i am sure Luanne can and will do a better job but this is coming to you from a guy who has it and been recently rejected by someone who proposed me for marraige and refused after finding it out.
You have a tough job in hand. The stigma associated with herpes never gets out of the mind and that makes matters worse. You will need a lot patience here and observe and do what makes her smile. I went through a personality change and that made matters worse for me, it took a year to realsie and now trying to get things back in order. But it will never be the same. It is not about you not being good with words, she wont understand. But she will surely see your patience and start getting back in order. Also make sure you do not disucss the virus or her situation unless she wants to.
People like you with a larger perspective to life do bring in hope for us and i am sure she will be proud of you.
A clear observation is that the west is more knowledgeable abt herpes and there is some indirect support system. here is the east i feel very lonely
This is BMW, once again. Thank you for replying and answering my questions.
I showed her this site last night, after I posted my comment. Since we found out (which was only a few days ago) we both have been reading as much as we can about herpes. So we can learn as much as we can about it and so we can have a safer, same-sex relationship ... when she's ready.
I know things will be good between us, I just hope society pulls their head out of their bottom-ends pretty soon. For the sake of everyone with an 'abnormal problem.'
Kudos to you guys & gals. I'm just glad my eyes were open enough to see what a wonderful person I've got by my side. I never thought I'd find so much strength, honesty, passion, and trust in someone.
We've got a long road ahead of us. She's 20, I'm 23, but it'll be much easier together and with the support of, hopefully, our families. That's the next thing we've got to figure out. How to tell her parents.
Thank you again,
BMW
<3
BMW said: That's the next thing we've got to figure out. How to tell her parents.
first of all BMW, thanks for stopping back. Sounds like things are working out very well and you're facing this situation head on. As far as her parents are concerned, both of you will be very surprised how understanding they'll be. If you feel the need to tell so that you can basically feel as though you're continuing some sort of lifelong open communication thing with your parents, then by all means, tell them. Trust me, they'll be totally understanding, because afterall, it's just herpes and you're now an adult and I'm sure they realize you've been sexually active. And if you don't feel comfortable confiding in them, then don't. There's no harm in and no law that says you have to tell your parents. If your parents are the real judgemental types, then you might want to think about it, but if you've always been open and honest, then they'll understand. You're not going to die on them, you basically have a cold sore in your genital area. That seems to be easier for people to comprehend sometimes. Trust me, this truly is not the end of the world. I agree that society needs to get their heads out of their butts about this. Life is way too short to sweat the small stuff. Sure, we need to be honest, open and to avoid passing it on, but who is to predict what our lives will bring or who will come into our lives down the road. Live you life, love your life and most of all love living life :-)
to anonymous poster: Tuesday, February 19, 2008 9:26:00 AM
you said make sure you do not disucss the virus or her situation unless she wants to.
I have to tell you that I disagree with this bit of advice, because I believe that "not talking" about herpes, simply makes the stigma stronger. I encourage talking about it, having open discussions, bringing it up in general over a few beers and having educational conversations about the topic. I believe it's something which people do need to take seriously and it should not be ignored. Any one of us who have herpes, are NOT herpes. We simply live with a virus. We are still the same people we were before we got it. We have allowed ourselves our personalities to change and sometimes for the better. I too agree that my personality has changed, but not so much my personality, but the pride I take in who I am as a person and not so willing to lay with just anyone. Mind you, I got herpes when I was in my 20's, what I jokingly refer to as my "young and dumb" years and most 40 + year olds tend to agree with me lol
Don't let herpes define who you are!! You ARE NOT herpes!! That's what people need to tell themselves. Keep your head high, be proud of the fact that you're not going to let this become a road block in your life for you. Right now, my biggest road block in life is not herpes, but the fact that I need to shed some excess pounds, then I'll have to deal with the reality of herpes, but at this point, I've convinced and totally believe that I am SOO much more and have so much more to offer than just herpes. I'm a great person and am deserving of finding that right person too.
Chin up ya'll
Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot, Luanne.
We do have open talks about herpes, just to keep you updated. And you're right, the more you say it the easier it gets.
She's been talking to people on a site like this and it's helping. I can already see, in her body language/facial expressions that she's becoming more 'use to' it. Also, she's feeling better, which is such a relief for her, as well as myself.
It's so weird, to me, how something like this can bring two people so close together. But hey, why not? And you find out that it really is more common than people know. I've found that a few of my close friends are also in the same boat.
Lastly: she was wondering how to tell her parents and the way I see it is pretty much how you stated. It doesnt cause death, so really, why tell 'em? It's up to her who she tells; she has my support come hell or high water.
I know I tend to get a bit off subject, for that I apologize. I'm just so glad to have someone who understands, even if it's on a computer. :D
Thank you.
-BMW
Hi BMW - put it this way, I only recently confided in the rest of my family and I've been living with herpes for 20 years. The only reason I told them was because I had written a letter to Dr. Phil and if by some chance I had gotten called to be on a show, I wanted to prepare them lolol - crazy huh, but the other good thing about having an open line of communication with people, including family is, because you just never know who you might be helping disclose their secret. So many people live in shame over herpes or your basic denial. Not to toot my own horn, but make sure your girlfriend reads my other "favorite posts" which are listed in the sidebar of my blog.
Inspirational Herpes
How dare I!!
Herpes Telling
Dear Dr. Phil
Supportive Strangers
I think she'll find them enlightening and uplifting. Another thing I recommend which sounds a bit hokey is to literally say the word HERPES out loud over and over. Each time you hear it, it becomes easier to say. I can't stress how important it is to feel comfortable with just saying the word herpes in general. Heck, you could even do it yourself. Eventually, it just becomes another word :-)
Luanne,
One of my ex boyfriends has tested positive for simplex-1, but he has never had a cold sore. Now, two years later, I feel this tingly sensation on my lip and even though I've never had a cold sore and it feels like like zits I've had in the past, I'm worried that it might be the beginnings of a cold sore. I freaked out and got some Abreva, typical for me to react like that. If it develops into anything I plan on having it tested, but my main question for you concerns talking about simplex-1.
Say this thing turns out to be just a pimple (I'm aware that outbreaks can at times resemble pimples), should I reveal my ex's test status to a guy I like before I kiss him? It seems silly, since such a high percentage of the population has simplex-1, but it feels wrong not to. I want to be honest with my sometimes paranoid concerns, but I also don't want to alarm someone unnecessarily.
What do you think?
Let's see.......what do I think about that? Well, first of all, there are lots of differing opinions about that. Some people don't feel that it's a big deal, myself being one of them obviously, as I emphasize "JUST", however on the other hand, it's more of a moral issue, I think. Knowing now, what I know about herpes, both oral and genital, and knowing how contagious it is, I would have to say, if I knew for sure that I had tested positive, that I would feel compelled to at least mention it. I wouldn't make a big deal about it, in fact, I almost hate to say it this way, but I would probably tell about it in a joking matter. If nothing else, it could certainly bring the topic up and turn into a serious conversation which truly wouldn't be a bad thing at all. So yes, I would tell, but I wouldn't get all emotional about it, because after all, as you said, many people have it. Some people get downright hard on others for being wishy-washy or they start to get on their high horse about taking valtrex and all that *OH, you should see the face I'm makin* lol.... Seriously, I wish people would just lighten up about herpes. For those of us who do have it, we need to be honest and open, let others know their risks and move on. There are so many more worse things in life than living with herpes. Honesty is the most important lesson which many of us could learn and gain from this experience. Me personally, I would rather be with someone who had the balls/guts to tell me, rather than how it did happen to me, the cowardly way. And who's to say that the person you might decide to kiss, doesn't have HSV-1 on their mouth too? You'd be amazed at how common it truly is. Not a big deal, but should be discussed. :-) HTH
I am 19, male, and today after visiting the GUM clinic, it looks like I have caught herpes. I have never slept around, and have only slept with one girl. I was tested a while back and everything came up clear. The doctor said today that the ulcers were very dry, don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but she still suspected herpes. I will find out in a week or two she said, but I am already feel like this is the end of my life. There is no way I will have the confidence to pull another girl, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone I have this, virus/disease and cannot even kiss my family as I am scared I will give them whatever I have got.
to the 19 year old male......
First of all....having herpes is NOT the end of the world, nor is it the end of your sex life. You'll just find that this could afterall, be sort of a blessing in disguise in this day and age of things which are worse than herpes. You will discover that you will first need to feel comfortable with this yourself first. What I always tell people is to say the word HERPES out loud to yourself, 3,4 even 5 times. The more you say it to yourself, the easier it is to hear. Educate yourself on this virus and the sooner you realize that herpes is not you, the better off you will be. Do not let herpes run your life, you need to take the control back for yourself.
Good luck and keep me posted. Let me know what the doctor says. Trust me, if it is really herpes, you'll be just fine. Chin up bud!
oh and you mentioned something about not feeling as though you can kiss your family.... Is it genital herpes or oral herpes?
Trust me, don't let herpes restrict you from the simple pleasures. Just be responsible about and abstain when you think you're having an outbreak, be sure to tell if you believe you're going to be intimate with someone. Make sure that you put all your cards out on the table. If it's genital herpes, don't worry so much about the kissing part. In fact, if you've ever engaged in receiving oral sex, you could have gotten it then. Find out what "type" of herpes you have if you indeed have it.
Hello. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me. I am currently seeing a guy who has herpes. We havnt had sex yet but he was brave enough to tell me on our first date that he has the virus. I am very concerned on what to do because im interested in a relationship with him but i am worried about contracting the virus. He's a really nice guy and i would hate to not be able to date him just because of this. Please help!! thankks
Jenny C. thank you for stopping by and asking this very important question. First of all, how long have you been dating him? That will give me a better answer as to how to answer your question. You need to really appreciate and applaud (and obviously you do appreciate his honesty) and I know from personal experience that that was probably the hardest thing for him to do.
You will NOT die from herpes and at this point, that's about the most positive thing I can say. Also, it's NOT the end of the world if you do get it. I've been dating a guy who doesn't have herpes for the past 3 months, unprotected sex and I don't take anti-virals and so far, he's not contracted the virus. How long has your boyfriend had herpes? Hang in there and let me know. The bottom line is, if you've only been in this relationship for a month or two....what's the hurry. You may find that you aren't meant to be together anyway and let him know of your concerns. Believe me, he will totally understand. You may find that by waiting, you will be more sure of your feelings about everything, including anything non-herpes related.
Hope that helps.
Luanne
My girlfriend recently told me that she has contracted the herpes virus, after finding out I went and got tested. I don't have any sysmptoms of the virus so we both believe it came from her x. I really love this woman and have stayed with her through this, something i never thought I would do. However, I find myself wondering if she new about this before we had sex and didn't know how to tell me. Also, we are a very sexual couple, before knowing about the virus we did everything. Will this change things? should I stop being as sexually open with her and limit myself so I won't get anything? Is oral sex something i should stay away from?
ok. I have just self- diagnosed myself with herpes. I had a one night stand one holliday , cheating on my then boyfriend. A few days later i noticed this indescribable pain, couldnt walk. After the sores went away.. I assumed that was it. Finished. I had another outbreak, a few weeks after when me and my boyfriend split up. And now ,in the last few days, another. And about 2 hours ago, i searched sti's on google and realised i have herpes. Great. as im only 17, i cant believe how daft i was to first of all cheat on the amazing guy i was with, and secondly have unprotected sex. The result being, my ex hates me.. for a reason i did not know until tonight.. he must have realised. and now i have this virus that will most likely control the rest of my life. Social & Personal. I have washed my hands approx. 8 times in the last 2 hours and do not realy know where to go from here.
anon from Thursday, November 11, 2010 6:13:00 PM
I'm not sure how to direct you on this one. It is a risk, but if she's worth the risk to you, then I say go for it. Even if you get herpes, it's not the end of the world and you too will be happy, even if you don't end up with this girl. Go get tested and educate yourself about herpes. Seriously, this won't kill you, but it does carry a negative stigma. If you can handle that possibility...you'll be ok. I've been with my boyfriend now for 9 months and have unprotected sex and I personally am not on suppression and as far as both of us know, he has not contracted the virus as of yet. If she feels like she's having an outbreak, I'd steer clear. That's my suggestion. Good luck to you.
anon from Thursday, December 30, 2010 10:58:00 PM
I understand self diagnosis, but please go and have an official test done. I agree, you probably do have herpes, but don't borrow trouble if you're wrong. Having herpes is manageable and not the end of the world. Get tested. You'll do just fine. Hang in there :-)
Hello, i dont know if youll write back since theres not been a comment in a while, but i really hope you do... so last friday (7th january) i had sexual contact (worst idea) and then i started feeling itchy, burning, burning when i pee'd so badly, then the sores came, and i just went to the doctors today (19 january) they said yeah its herpes. i guess iv not been checked yet but i know it is, and ill have to go to the GUM clinic and get tested for everything else cause will i not have climida if i have herpes? like this whole week while iv been peeing is been soo sore like i cant handle it, everytime i have a out burst will this be the case? will i have another outburst? im glad im unemployed at the moment casue its hard to walk so since saturday iv been in bed, with creame and that, im just so scared like i cry alot!! just thinking about herpes, makes me feel dirty why me?! i guess i just gotta live with it now, but iv been looking up the internet, and some places have made me feel better and some worse! i have been trying to find chat rooms to talk to people with herpes, but no luck so hopefully you will be able to have a wee chat or whatever.
p.s iv read some of your comments and your really good at making peope feel better!!
Anon - I'm here and I read your post. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I need to make this short though cuz I've gotta scoot for the weekend.
The bottom line is that usually the 1st outbreak is the very very worst, then the others after that become less frequent and less severe.
Herpes and clymidia (sp?) don't necessarily come together at the same time.
Please take the time to read through my other posts and the comments which I've made back to other people. I think I have links on the far left column which links to the most popular posts and there are tons of comments on each which you might find helpful.
Try some cornstarch to relieve yourself of some of the pain. That always helped me :-)
Have a wonderful weekend and chin up. You won't die from herpes, but it is something which you need to wrap your mind around first before anyone else can. Seriously, check through the comments and you'll read lots of stuff from myself and others which you might find helpful.
Cheers!!
Luanne
hiya again, thanks!! Its been a week, i think im oo young to actually understand everything and i just like push it to the back of my head, i drink quiet alot is this a problem? iv just finished the antibiotics and i feel normal again, hope i dont get an outburst thanks for making me feel fine!! and i had a good weekend, i hope you did too !! xx
hello, i was just wondering i got diagnosed with this virus and my legs are in alot of pain like as if iv been doing loads of exercising, but iv not? but i was talking to my mother about it and she said its maybe because i was crouching over the mirror to see my vagina to see if it was looking red or swollen, im total not sure but getting a little worried, does this maybe mean something else or what? im just a little scared.
Thanks Mel..
i had sex last ngiht, and i never used a condom, does this mean he catches it? even if i dont have them the now x
to anon from Tuesday, January 25, 2011 10:26:00 AM
Well, drinking alot is not good in general, but as far as herpes goes, I don't think it makes any difference, but that's my opinion.
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to anon from Wednesday, January 26, 2011 8:51:00 PM
Mel, I think you're mom is probably right. I have heard of people suffering from aching muscles which they blame on herpes, but I've personally never noticed it. Mind you, we're all different......
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to anon from Saturday, January 29, 2011 1:00:00 PM
He would only possible catch your herpes if you were having an asymptomatic outbreak which you can't see. Hopefully, you'll tell before you have sex next time so you don't worry so much. :-)
thank you im just totally scared about herpes and how am i going to be in a relationship or have kids :( i hardly think about it but when i do i cant sleep is there anything that can make me feel better any advice?
Luanne, I have been following your blogs and your responses are inspiring and helpful, and give me a feeling of hope, I'm currently stuck in a situation and need advice. I was "diagnosed" with the virus when i was 17. However, nobody filled me in on this life changing event, until i was 19 and experienced my first outbreak. Terrified of course i went to my doctor and was like what is going on with my body? She reviewed my files and told me that I had come in contact with the virus in 2007. Since then I had only slept with one other person. I informed them right away, and encouraged them to get tested. Their results came back negative, how is that possible? That person and I are no longer together. I have been dating around and met someone that i really care about and this is were i need your advice. A year later, I haven't had one outbreak, and take Valtrex daily. (I've never blogged before and feel slightly odd about putting my business out for the world to see). But I have met a truly lovely man but i have only know him a short time, we have unfortunately had intercourse and i failed to tell him about my infection. I feel horrible, and genuinely selfish for not telling him and putting him at risk. It aches my stomach. I know the obvious thing to do, is to tell him, but I'm scared and fear rejection. Do you have any suggestions for me on how I should break the ice to him?
Hi there Dolly and thank you for stopping by and taking the time to post your thoughts, concerns and questions.
One thing that folks need to understand is that "just because" you sleep with someone doesn't mean that they'll automatically get the herpes virus from you. We are not "always" contagious. That is probably the most frustrating thing about this virus.
The frustrating part is the so-called "asymptomatic shedding" which can occur w/out you even knowing it's happening. Me personally, I'm not so sure it really exists (I'm sure someone will try to say it does, but that's just me.) :-) My belief is this in regard to shedding. I tend to think that because some people don't have obvious outbreaks all the time and maybe at the moment they simply don't notice or think it's something else, they might be contagious and aren't just aware of what's going on with their bodies. My rule of thumb for myself is that "if I sense anything, I simply refrain from sex". My BF is aware of my situation and he's perfectly fine with it. Giving or getting herpes is not a death sentence, it's simply a negative social stigma, but you can be the one who controls how you address and/or deal with living with this virus. It takes time to get used to the idea and as you get older and wiser, you'll get better at dealing and addressing the situation for both yourself and anyone who you'd like to be involved with or are involved with.
In regard to the new fellow, you need to find the courage within yourself to let him know. I know how hard this is, but either he'll be a keeper or he'll be pissed and leave, but you have to make yourself feel better by breaking your silence. If I were in your situation, I think I'd probably start out by saying how much I enjoyed his company and friendship, but that there is something that I should have told you "before" we had sex and I am feeling absolutely horrible about not letting you know. I was afraid of rejection and haven't had enough experience with living with herpes to know how to approach the subject with someone like you. Trust me, you will feel so much better having finally told him. Heck, he might even say to you that he has herpes too.
Having herpes is NOT the end of the world, so just do what you have to do. Honesty is the very best policy and if he really thinks about it, he'll realize how hard that must be for you to admit to this "negative social stigma".
Good luck Dolly and let me know what happens. I'll be rootin' for you :-)
Luanne
to anonymous from: Monday, February 07, 2011 9:00:00 PM
First of all, take a deep breathe and realize that having herpes is not the end of the world.
I have been living with this virus for 20 + years (I stopped counting) and have had many great sexual relationships. My son is 18 years old, very happy, healthy and handsome. I delivered him vaginally and he didn't contract the virus. In regard to having children, as long as your Dr. is aware that you have herpes then the Dr. can and will take precautions prior to delivery. They have different things they can do to monitor the situation. If I recall, they run tests on you early on at the baby Dr's ofc's to check blood type and other stuff. I seem to recall that herpes was part of that testing.
Many many women have had their babies vaginally and their children did not get herpes. Now mind you, I have read stories from folks who did pass it on to their infant, but I believe it is very rare that this occurs.
Watch your stress as stress is a huge factor in having an outbreak. I know that in the past, whenever I found myself super stressed, that's when I'd get an outbreak.
Smile and be happy. Good luck and keep me posted.
Luanne
I slept with a girl with herpes for a few years.
One day, and that's all it took, I got careless and took off the condom.
I got herpes within two weeks.
It has been horrible. I used to be in great shape. I hit the gym, lifted weights, ran, biked, and enjoyed life.
I suffered greatly with herpes. It killed me. I have had a horrible time with flu symptoms, muscle aches and pains, and my back is so sore I can barely walk. I'm a wreck.
My advise? If someone has herpes and you don't RUN! NEVER sleep with them.
You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Like me.
to anonymous from: Wednesday, February 23, 2011 8:29:00 PM
First of all, I'm sorry that you contracted the virus. Sounds to me like she did tell you up front about her herpes status and she did the right thing.
Now, as far as your healthy life situation you had "before" you had herpes.....well, you can still be healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. How long have you had herpes now? In the beginning, the outbreaks are certainly more severe which in my opinion is simply your body getting used to the new virus and letting you know that you are now a carrier. You won't die from herpes, but I agree, it certainly is an inconvenience. And who's to say that the next gal you slept with would even know or if she was in denial. Sure you can be angry at yourself, but please don't be angry with her, but you need to move forward and not let it consume you. You ARE NOT HERPES!! It is what it is and there's not a whole lot you can do about it at this point. Sleeping w/someone who has herpes is a big decision for someone to make, but it isn't a death sentence unless you make it one. Know what I mean.
Again, if you're feeling this way early on, what you're feeling is totally normal, but now the shoe is on the other foot. Would you want someone "to run" away from you, just because of a virus which you won't die from??
Good luck.
Hi iv have recently been told I have herpes type 2 and have had 3 outbreaks within 5 week, I havent even had a break from not being sore down there, I really don't know what to do, I'm so low and miserable, I'm going abroad for my birthday in a few month and iv heard sunlight brings it out and I don't know what to do it's going to ruin my birthday if i have a outbreak!! Im scared and dont want to go away now, i just keep thinking why me I don't sleep around and now I have this I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life, :-(
to anonymous from Monday, April 11, 2011 3:09:00 PM
What you are experiencing is an initial outbreak which seems like the absolute worst in the world. The way I see it is that your body is letting you know that you have herpes (which you've already been diagnosed), but had you not, it would be a pain which is so severe that you wouldn't be able to ignore it.
My very first outbreak was horrible as well and extremely painful. Since the virus and I have gotten to know each other better (over time) and used to each other physically, I've never experienced as painful as the 1st outbreak. I've seen the same thing happen to most, if not all people I have ever interacted with over the internet who have the herpes virus.
I think what you're experiencing is very normal and you'll be just fine. I've "heard" the thing about sunshine and honestly, I don't believe it. Stress however is your worst enemy when it comes to living with herpes. I do believe that because whenever I have stress in my life, I have an outbreak, so try to not stress and worry about it so much. Enjoy the sunshine, enjoy your vacation and live!! :-)
to Anonymous from Saturday, April 30, 2011 5:22:00 AM
It is very possible that he didn't know and or simply ignored it. Sadly, many people are simply in denial and it seems that guys are the worst when it comes to dealing with herpes. Some of them have learned how important it is to be upfront and honest and many simply never had it checked out to confirm that they were carriers. Sad but true and that's why this virus can be so devasting because people expect the courtesy of honesty. Taking an STD test has nothing to do with cleanliness. It's a matter of responsibility for any/all STD's. After reading your comment about him wanting to keep it between the two of you, I respect that, however, he needs to realize and understand how important it is for him to be telling people, to give them the option. He too will find that many people he already knows are living with this virus. Sounds like he needs to be educated on this topic.
So now you have herpes, you're confirmed with it and now you need to move forward. You need to think about this in a positive light, because what other choice do you have? Please read through the comments and posts that I've written to gain an understanding of what you need to do for you and your integrity. Hold your head high and become familiar with how Herpes impacts you and your body. Herpes doesn't care what kind of food you eat, it's simply a contagious virus that anyone can contract. Even if you only ever slept with just one person one time, you can still get herpes. Herpes doesn't pick and choose based on your healthy or non-healthy lifestyle or a persons age. I agree with you, sounds like he's trying to be someone who he is not and projecting that he's perfectly healthy. Ugh... these kinds of people drive me nuts..... :-) Also, many people don't realize that if they have a cold sore on their mouth that that is herpes. People simply don't know or realize, they just call it a cold sore.
In regard to getting married and having children. I contracted the virus when I was about 27 years old, had my son at 30 years old and he's a healthy young 19 year old man. I delivered him vaginally and he doesn't have the virus, so don't stop living just because you have herpes, you can still have children. My OBGYN ran all sorts of blood tests on me in the beginning of my pregnancy, so they were aware that I had the herpes virus. Just communicate with the doctor and enjoy having babies. This is NOT the end of the world and as long as you meet someone who you connect with and love, and he loves you, then he will be accepting and possibly a marriage mate, but whatever you do, please don't "settle" for a guy, just because he accepts that you have herpes. Trust me, I just got out of a 1 year relationship where it didn't bother him a bit, me having herpes, but there were a whole lot of other issues with him which were not worth it for me to "have him around". He's still a great friend to me, but just not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don't settle.
You are NOT damaged goods. How frequently do you have outbreaks? I know that in the beginning, my very first outbreak was the absolute worst, but they did get better and less painful as time passed. It seems to me that you've had it long enough now that your body should be comfortable with it and not react as frequently. For me, I try to live as stress free of a life that I can. I have found that every time I allow stress to come into my life, I have an outbreak. Not to disappoint you, but I suspect there will never be a cure for Herpes, but I believe a vaccine for those who don't have it might be something which will be formulated. I suspect that because herpes is not a life threatening virus, that that is not on the top of the CDC's priority list of infectious diseases.
None of us ever deserved this, but "it is what it is". Chin up!!
I have recently been diagnosed with herpes and am completely devastated. Ever since I heard I have been very depressed and feel like I will never be loved or cared about by anyone. I am the most careful person I know and I have had only two serious sexual relationships. One of these relationships was extremely abusive and I was forced to have sex numerous times. Thankful I was able to leave the situation. I had my first and only outbreak about 5 months after breaking up with my last boyfriend. I also have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease within the past year and have been on chemo and immunosuppressant injections, therefore my immune system is shot pretty much. My doctor had mentioned that because my immune system is so suppressed that I am more apt to get the virus from things like a hot tub. Now I do not know if that is even possible, but two weeks before my first outbreak I went on a trip and went in the hot tub at the hotel. What is your opinion on this??
Either way I now have herpes. I have done my best to move on from this, but I am having a very hard time. I randomly burst out in tears because I am so discouraged. I realize it was not my fault, but I feel like future partners might not feel the same. Having two life long illnesses has sent me for a loop and I do not know how to get out of this funk and move on living my life.
I also have been starting to see this guy who I really care about who I have known for a few years now. Sex has been brought up a few times and I just tell him I am not ready, but in reality I am just not ready to tell him I have this virus. He is very trusting and cares about me a lot. I keep putting off telling him because I want to make sure he really cares about me and I want to make sure he is worth telling. I have thought about breaking things off because I am too afraid to tell him and I am afraid I will be rejected. I just don’t know which I am more afraid of being rejected, or not taking the chance. Him and one if his friends were joking about herpes on facebook the other day and it felt like I got punched in the stomach. It was more his friend that was making a joke about it, but either way I was crushed. It really hurts when I hear people make jokes about things like this because it has seemed to turn my life upside down. I know he would feel awful for making a joke about it if he knew I had it, but I don’t if I can tell him. ‘I don’t know if ill ever be able to tell anyone. I guess I am kind of rambling, but I am so depressed I do not know what to do and need some advice from someone who knows. Should I tell him now or wait longer? What would I even say? He such a good friend to my family that I am afraid if he rejects me that my whole family will find out. I trust him, but I have been treated so poorly by guys in the past that I do not know what to do. Right now its just my mom and I that know. I really appreciate your time!!
Wow thank you so much for commenting. What you have said is so moving and I haven't even finished reading. What prompted me to start responding was where you said you have 2 lifelong illnesses. Esp because the diagnoses came so close together. I'm sorry your going through all of this, but trust me when I say, focus on the cancer. You will not die from herpes, OK :-) Sure, your immune system might be down, but if you're gonna catch herpes from someone, you're gonna catch it, but you don't always, so many guys are in denial. Me, personally, I would suspect that abusive boyfriend. Sounds like a lot of anger in that guy. DENIAL!!
ok, so that's in the picture now too. You may have been carrying the virus for a lot longer than you knew, but because of the STRESS from the cancer, you body showed that you also have herpes too. YOu could have had the virus all along... I really hope you come back to read this.
Oh, and I'm not so sure about the hot tub thing. I've always been told it's a skin to skin virus, and the water in the avg hot tub is pretty warm and I can't imagine the virus could survive in that temp, but I could be totally off base here, but sometimes I think that Dr's tell you that to try and make you feel better. *shrugs shoulders* I don't know really, but it's just not realistic to me. Ya know.
and then, there is always the guy... You need to just let it go and tell him. You don't need this stress right now and you will feel so relieved to have let this load off of your shoulders. After you tell him, you will then know if he really cares about YOU!! Trust me, now is the best time. Let it go. :-) You are still a beautiful person and deserve happiness. Be happy and live your life, one day at a time, but don't let herpes control your happiness. It is what it is and I think you basically have that attitude already. :-)
We always have that fear of rejection, guys have it too, they just don't admit it. In regard to the facebook posting, there is unfortunately, a lot of ignorance out there and a huge social stigma. Me personally, sometimes I wonder if they're just not "testing the waters" on the subject because they have herpes. Makes me wonder. Don't take it so personal, because hopefully, this fellow just loves you for you.
This is all new to you and very understandable in regard to how you are trying to cope with this new diagnosis. Heck, we who are diagnosed with just ONE illness such as herpes go through it all as well in the beginning, same as you so I can't imagine what you're dealing with emotionally and I'm very sorry.
Just be honest with him, tell him you want to put everything on the table that there is alot that you need to "talk" about or something like that. Tell him how much you care about him and that you want to have an open and honest relationship. Work into it, you don't need to just blurt it out, unless he tells you to. And maybe you need to tell your family first. Families are the best source of practice runs. I tell everyone to say the word "herpes" out loud to yourself and get used to hearing the word. Even if you just stay with telling your Mom only or you could tell a sister or brother or whatever, you will get their response to your situation. Heck, you might even find that one of them have herpes too, so it's all good and if you're close to your family, then they will love you just the same and won't think any less of you. Keep me posted.
Luanne
hello my name jennifer i just found out 4 months ago i have herpes it suck i feel like i'm dead i been with these guy a year i found out in feb i had herpes and just make me mad i was faithful to him and he has no sign so the doctor said they wouldnt give him a blood test because he dont have any sign i'm so mad and hurt i feel like i'm nothing i was so careful then 30 years got a std i keep having a outbreak for last 4 months been on med it seen like it not going away thanks
Hello Luane,I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now and we are very in love. About a month into the relationship the some lesions appeared around my penis. I told her i was almost sure it was herpes. I had sores there earler that year so i know it wasnt her who passed it to me. In fact,i could only have given it to my self my touching my mouth sore and touching my genitals when masturbating. She was calm and supportive and told me that the infection was not who i am and she made me feel so much better. When the sores went away we continued having sex without a condom because neither of us really like it. But she said if she got it then shes got it. I can understand her thoughts and that she truely cares, She tells me that she has not got any signs of infection which is a relief. My outbreak has been on and off for the past 3 months and we have had no penetration (with and without a condom)but i pleasure her with oral sex which she loves. But this outbreak has been driving me mad!When one lesion disappears aanother one or two takes its place. Its been like this for almost 4 months. when will they go away for longer periods?! I haven't got a prescription for valtrex yet but i will try soon. I can imagine being with her for a lifetime but i want her to be safe and it hurts me to think of her suffering. I will be there for her. I guess i want to know what the chances are if transmission if we both take Valtrex and have unprotected sex. I have been very heartbroken thinking about the future but i want things to be normal. I get depressed and i worry sadness will drive her away so how can i deal with this and stay positive. Do you have any words of advise and wisdom to share? Thank you!
Hang in there Jennifer. It's possible that you were a carrier and never even knew it before. At least you now know :-)
to anon from Sunday, July 17, 2011 3:19:00 PM
Sounds to me like she's accepting and prepared to live with the risk based on your sexual activity.
It also sounds to me like you need to not worry so much. Stress is the biggest trigger, as far as I'm concerned, when it comes to having a herpes outbreak. If you're like the majority of us who live with herpes, your outbreaks should be subsiding. Just breathe and enjoy your life. I also wouldn't have sex when I'm having an outbreak. Valtrex won't protect her if she doesn't already have herpes. Maybe she should get tested too and then she'll know as well.
Hope that helps and good luck.
Luanne
I've been with my boyfriend for three months. We started off as just a hook up, but we both quickly realized that we were meant to be together instead of just hooking up. Two days ago I went into his medicine cabinet & saw he had prescriptions for Valtrex. I immediately asked him about it & he told me that he did have herpes & he was planning on telling me he was just scared & didn't know how & didn't want to lose me. I'm the first girl he's been with since he has found out that he got it from his ex so he didn't exactly know how to tell me. He has had it for a year & a half.
At first I was so mad at him and didn't even want to talk to him. Then I was hurt & upset that he didn't tell me something so important especially since we have been having sex without condoms for 3 months (stupid move on my part, I know). I feel so betrayed that he didn't tell me. I have been so upset since I have found out & really freaking out that I have been exposed to this. He has been really supportive & answering any questions I have at all regarding herpes, how he got it, etc. I went yesterday to get a pap smear & also a blood test.
I got over the anger... however, I have not got over the hurt. My thought process right now is: If my test comes back that I don't have it can I still have a normal life/relationship with him? I don't know what to do. I have never felt this way about somebody & I don't think I can picture my life without him. Would we have to use condoms the rest of our relationship? Do I put myself at risk of contracting it? I'm just so confused...
In response to the young lady that actually named the personal trainer in Atlanta that she believes she contracted the virus from, I feel that it's unfair to this person that you're actually naming him.
The vast majority of people that have Herpes DO NOT KNOW IT! In fact, a lot of STD tests don't include herpes in its screening. So its entirely possible that he did not know.
A lot of these blogs do not allow the removal of such allegations so it's not right to make this person to be the bad guy when you're just as responsible for having unprotected sex with him.
Would you blame him if you had become pregnant?
How would you feel if people started putting you on blast and announcing to the entire Internet that you have the virus?
Take responsibility for your part and rather than blame others, use this as an opportunity to educate others so that they don't make the same mistake you did.
I've been dating a woman that has herpes for about 6 months now. We've been very careful during sex to the point where I even wear my underwear. I obviously cant perform oral on her but she does perform oral on me (unprotected). The biggest issue that she states that she's never had an outbeak. This means she would never kno when shes actve. My main concern is that there isnt a clear understanding as to which part of the skin that herpes can be contracted through. Are we talking about only the genital area or more common areas such as legs and torso? If she doesnt have an outbreak then the risk is related to viral shedding. The answers have been so generic that it leads one to believe that u shouldnt even touch a person with herpes. Since our genitals have no skin-to-skin contact then can it be transmitted via other parts of the body.
to anon from: Monday, September 05, 2011 1:59:00 PM
I removed the post. I agree that names should not be posted and should have tried to remove it earlier. It is what it is.
to anon from: Wednesday, September 07, 2011 5:03:00 PM
Wow!! First of all, there is no guarantee period, but I do know that the majority of people, when they're having an obvious outbreak, generally break out in the same spot over and over and it's usually triggered by stress. I don't remember the last time I had an obvious outbreak and you're right, the "experts claim" that there is something called asymptomatic shedding, but me, being the type of person which really questions that, only because I believe that this is something which makes people feel like they have to live on suppression meds for life and I don't believe it's necessary. I've lived with herpes for 24 + years and no one has ever come back to me and said "YOU GAVE ME HERPES" and trust me, I had PLENTY of unprotected sex and lots of snuggling and cuddling and touching body parts.
What are you so afraid of? It's JUST HERPES!! My feeling is that if you are that afraid of it, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who was honest with you from the beginning. There is no guarantee that you'll never get herpes, but I'm thinking that she knows when she's feeling like there could be something going on in the area where it shows up. Some people over micro-manage herpes and try to make something more of it than it really is. Some people "claim" that it shows up on arms, legs and all that, but again, I think they're being overly paranoid and if it does happen it is EXTREMELY rare!!
And yes, you CAN perform oral on her. What type of herpes does she have? It is easier to transfer herpes from the mouth to the genital area, than it is to transfer it from genital to mouth.
Having herpes is NOT a death sentence and my Dr. tells me that the number of herpes is 1 in 3 people in the US have it and it's totally a non-issue for so many. Relax and take your underwear off or move on. Don't torture that girl by making her feel less than she is. She was honest with you and for that, she is to be commended. Now if she's misinformed, she needs to get used to living in this new skin of hers and understand that it's not the end of the world.
BTW, I'm NOT a doctor, but just someone who has lived through this for a long time and am OK w/it. If a guy can't deal with it, I'm good with that too. next!! :-)
Everything in life is a risk and if you feel that a person is worth the risk, then you learn to become accepting of the possibility that you could contract herpes, but if she can "feel" an outbreak coming on, then you simply refrain from sexual contact. When it happens, it generally is only active for a day or two. I suspect that the "shedding" they talk about happens prior to the outbreak and after the outbreak (the start up and healing phases).
And how does she know for sure that she has herpes if she's never had an outbreak? Blood test? When you go to a clinic or even Dr's office to get testing done for STD's, they don't automatically check for herpes. You have to ask for that. Also, if she is ASSUMING she has herpes because maybe she slept with someone who told her they had herpes, she might believe that she automatically has it!! Tell her to go for a 2nd test and that way she'll know for sure. How does she even know???
Hi Luanne,
I have lived with Herpes for about 9 years and you are absolutely right, it does get easier. I was in a relationship with someone who didn't know he had it, which I truly believe he did. We broke up a year after I found out I was positive and of course I was devastated but I was able to accept it and move on. After that relationship I met someone who from the jump I told and he was fine with it. We continued a relationship for 6 1/2 years and had a baby (vaginally and she is healthy I will add). Sadly the relationship did not last and the biggest thing for me right now is obviously "the talk". I want to start dating again but the fear of rejection is the hardest, which is weird because when I met my daughter's father I just blurted it out. But now that I am older I find myself so scared...Aside from that I just wanted to thank you for being so supportive and sharing your time. ;)
to anon from: Thursday, October 20, 2011 12:33:00 AM
Congratulations on having a child and being one of many women who didn't pass it on. :-) I too had a child which I didn't pass it on to.
Thank you for taking the time to share your story.
It is difficult to tell, it's never easy and you never know exactly when the right time to do it is. I have found that if I sense that a possible new relationship is simply a "booty call", then I usually tell very soon. If I'm in a relationship where I believe there could be something more, I usually wait unless the sex part gets a little too close for comfort. I always feel so much better after I've told and have that huge weight lifted off of my shoulders, even after having lived with herpes for over 24 years. It's never easy, but if you can hear the words for yourself first (say the word herpes out loud to yourself over and over) then it's easier for you to verbalize it to someone else. Sounds hoakey, but it's amazing how much easier it is :-) Good luck to you. There are always other things which make or break a relationship and herpes should not be the 1st piece of baggage you dump on someone. Let them get to know you first :-)
Hi Luanne,
I am 25 years old and I have had genital herpes for 9 years now and I have along the road found a way to deal and accept it. Every once in a while I still go online to find some support when I am feeling down and out, and I have to say that when I was first diagnosed at 16 that I wish I would have found a blog like yours. It is so comforting even after all these years, to know that other people go through what you are going through. You are inspiring me to want to talk to others (especially teenagers) about the virus and my experiences living with the virus. I just want to thank you for having this blog, even though a lot of the blogs that I have read is not what I go through anymore it reminds me what I did feel and to have someone like you responding to my questions and concerns then I probably would have felt a lot better.
and also I would like to know if you know of anywhere to volunteer to educate teenagers about the virus and provide support I would love to participate in some like that but I can't find anything thing. Please let me know my email address is krisee555@yahoo.com
Hey, first off I'd like to say thank god I found these blogs. I got told I'd caught herpes about a week before christmas. I'm 18years old and for the record I don't sleep about. I've completely changed my view on people that catch STDs. Basically I've only ever slept with 2people in my life and the first time I slept with anyone other than the guy I lost it to, I catch a life virus. I just laughed at the doctor when he told me because it isn;t the kind of thing you think you will get. I didn't even know how serious it was, I mean long lasting. My friends say I'm taking it well because I'm laughing... I know it's a virus but I feel untouchable. I had trust issues as it was without now having to wait til things get serious with a guy then tell him. The doctor said I'll know who's the right one because they will accept it... wtf? Talk about melodramatic cheers doc ;) Anyway guess it's chin up and all that. I've learnt my lesson on making sure the guy wears something. In a way I was so naive because I was only used to my clean ex and I just assumed everyone was clean and if not then you could tell. Plus I've got the Implant and all I thought about was the risk of getting pregnant. Ah well no point moaning is there? It ain't going to change the fact I'm infected.
Kaybee, I'm impressed that at your age, you have the attitude that you do. You're right, not much you can do about it at this point. Clean is such a misunderstood word when it comes to herpes. Thank you for taking the time to post Kaybee :-)
hello everyone im Nicole im 20 years old and i got this virus in September.. i have only had ONE outbreak the one that started it all after that i've been fine..no outbreaks no nothing..my biggest concern is actuely telling the next person ! i dont know when to tell this person.. i dont know if i should say something in the beginning or what ? i want to hear from someone who has the virus and started dating someone else and when he/she decided it was the right time in the relationship to tell their next partner and how they reacted..some please help =(
to Nicole from Thursday, February 02, 2012 1:23:00 AM
in a nutshell Nicole, you have to tell before you have sex with a new person. It's not easy to tell, but you'll feel so much better after you get it off of your chest. I would hold off on the sex part as long as you can because you might discover that this next person isn't worthy of you anyway and you might find something out about them over time that might be a deal breaker for you. No rush in having sex. Lots of telling situations on my blog which you may have already read. Most important thing I can tell you now though is to learn how to be comfortable in saying the word and hearing it for yourself.
so say the word out loud to yourself over and over and over. If you can't "hear" it, you'll have a difficult time actually saying the word to someone else.
Reactions are different from so many different people and situations which is why I feel it's best to tell when you know you want a relationship with someone. You may not get the reaction/response that you want, but if all else fails and if they are any kind of decent person, then they will respect you for your honesty if nothing else :-)
Hope this helps and keep me posted.
Luanne
Hi Luanne,
I'm 23 years old and live in a city where it's all about your appearance and going out. About 2 months ago I found out I contracted HSV 2 by someone I was dating. Not only do I have HSV I also have HPV which I contracted at the age of 15 with my first boyfriend. When I found out I had HSV I was in shock and called this guy right away. He told me he doesn't have it cause he gets tested. I'm certain I got it from him cause I wasn't with anyone for a while. So anyways, this is my dilemma. I didn't show any signs of outbreak. Although I did get sick with a really bad migraine, body aches and painful urination. I don't want to say I'm in denial, I just don't feel like I have it. My doctor prescribed Acyclovir. The reason why I say my Gyno is wrong is because I got tested 3 days after intercourse with this man. A week after testing they tell me everything is negative. A week after that(2 weeks since getting tested) my Gyno tells me I have HSV 2. I go back to see my Gyno for further check up and medication. With the check up she sees no outbreak and suspects its in my cervix. I go on with taking Acyclovir ( I take everyday since I got prescribed). A month ago I go back to get tested again since I'm still in " denial", results come in negative but positive cause of the acyclovir. I have no clue what she means by that. I have not yet had any sort Of Outbreak. So my question is, should I get tested again for the herpes simplex test, and when should I do it? I just read in your blog a women who was diagnosed for a year and then gets tested again and came back negative. My other situation is, say I do have it. I want to start dating again, but living in a city like mine I don't know how to approach dating again. Please help, thank you.
to anonymous from: Monday, February 20, 2012 2:31:00 AM
first of all, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you.
I just love when people say "oh, I get tested", well they might get tested for HIV or whatever, but people don't automatically get tested for Herpes. You HAVE to request that test, it's not automatic.
Because I'm not a Dr, I really don't have a good response for you. I would say to go ahead and ask for the test one more time. They can do a Western Blot blood test to find out if the virus is living in your system or not.
Dating.... if you do discover that you are definitely positive, then you need to wrap your mind around it first and be accepting of yourself before anyone else will be accepting of you and please, by all means, don't put yourself down or think less of yourself. It's JUST a virus, one that has a huge stigma attached to it, but it is what it is.
Good luck and let me know what the additional tests indicated.
I just found this blog and have some questions, and could use some reliable answers.
I recently started dating a man I really like. When we started to discuss having sex, I told him that I was going to go and get tested for EVERYTHING because I had found out that the man I was in a previous relationship with had been with a woman unprotected, whom I knew gets around and doesn't wear condoms.
The new guy told me that he had only ever been with his ex-wife for 7 years, and then his long time girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and that he was tested right before her and as far as he knew, was clean.
Well, after a fun night of drinking and a concert, we slipped up and had sex unprotected. Now here's the tricky part...after I went and got tested a few weeks later, he tells me that his wife had herpes. Of course I was devastated that he omitted this information from me, and started getting REALLY upset because I hadn't asked for that test because as far as I knew I was okay. Now I realize it wouldn't have shown up anyway that quickly, but his response to me was, "she had it, I don't".
An omission is just as bad as a lie, and now I'm totally UPSET that he would not tell me something SO important after we have been discussing both of our pasts and getting tested.
So...should I be worried? We've had sex twice and he didn't have any sores or anything, but could he have it and just not know, or possibly be a carrier?
I am VERY upset about this. I was honest, and apparently he is just naive and ignorant to the fact that he most likely has it. Ugh...I hate liars.
to anonymous from Sunday, March 11, 2012 2:30:00 PM First of all, I'm sorry he didn't tell you everything, but it is very possible that he never did contract the virus from her. Just because you engage in unprotected sex with a herpes carrier does not automatically mean that you too will contract it. All you can do at this point, if you're still involved with him is to have protected sex and see if he's really someone you want to spend time with on a forever basis. I'm not sure that he's a liar really, maybe just naive but then again, who knows? If you suspect it was a flat out lying by omission type of thing, maybe you should say "NEXT" :-) Good luck.
i just found it i have herpes...both one and two...i'm currently dating someone who took the news very well and said he would like to talk to the doctor before making any rash decisions...we've actually laughed about it...but if it doesnt work out with him i don't know how to live a normal dating life...i'm terrified and upset although i feel better he took it so well...i need to talk to someone who knows what i'm feeling please someone leave an email...
to anon from Thursday, May 10, 2012 9:05:00 PM
Sorry it took me so long to follow up. Life is busy, but I'm always here.
I believe that the long lasting relationship will be one who wants to be that for you. If they're truly "that into you" then they will love you, herpes and all. And trust me, your life will again become normal and maybe even better than that. Never give up. I need to create a new email to put on my blog. Never enough time.
hey, so i met this awsome woman, we have been having unprotected sex and now we talk about having a child but she says we should talk. She told me she had herpes and will understand if i dont want to be with her. She also said that she wud never harm me because its only contagious during outbreaks... So now i have to be sensative and pissed at the same time, i told her i need time to educate myself about this and then get back to her... So now im wondering, wud i have it now? Should i even stay with someone who knew them had it and had unprotected sex with me knowing i cud contract it? To me it wasnt fair, to her its minor and just a virus just she got used to it, but is it fair that she didnt tell me? I dont know what to do....
to Mr. Curious :-)
I agree with everything you've said, it's not fair and she should have told you, whether she thinks she totally understands the virus or not. Now, with that being said, I tend to think like she does, it is JUST A VIRUS, HOWEVER, she also should have told you, because it's NOT "just a virus" to anyone who doesn't already have it. Have you been to the Dr. to be tested? Many people have it and don't realize they have it too. If you really care about her and she is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, then it's ok to forgive and most past, but because she has poo-poo'd it away and didn't consider the fact that you might want to know your risk. How many other things will she not feel comfortable being honest about. That's what would be more of a dealbreaker for me is someone who wasn't willing or able to communicate openly and freely with me and/or who cared enough about me to be totally honest. It's your call :-)
Hi Luanne
I'm a 28 year old female who was just diagnosed with herpes yesterday. It has really taken a toll on me because I feel as though I have no one to talk to about it. I didn't eat or drink anything all day and I'm still nauseated. I am married to the love of my life with two wonderful kids. We have been together 10 years and married 4 years. I would have never imagined having herpes. I always felt it was so nasty and have even taken part in talking about those who have it. A little background info...in the past I have had recurring yeast infections which also resulted in paper lime sores. In pride myself on my health and have always visited the doctor when these arise and was always told its just the yeast. This time was different...it started as a paper like cut and grew to look like a canker sore. It was so painful I could hardly sit walk or pee. I went to the doc after about 3 days of this and was told it doesn't look like herpes but that my labia had rubbed against something too rough but they would also do a herpes culture. I was positive it was not this as I have never cheated on my husband and have never suspected him of cheating. The call I got yesterday was the worst ever! You have a UTI and are positive for herpes. What am I supposed to do now? Could this herpes have been dormant all these years with no symptoms on my husband and I...has he cheated on me and contracted it? If I tell him will he blame it on me and leave? I have so many questions. Should I kiss my kids..if I'm having an outbreak and touch them will they get it? My head is just spinning! Also I've read where so many people still have unprotected sex and not give it to their partner...what if this is the case and my husband is negative he will definitely believe I have done something wrong! Sorry for the rambling but any advise is greatly appreciated!
Okay so i just went to the doctors today, because i had my first outbreak. I have not gotten the actual tests results back yet, but the doctor seemed pretty sure and gave me the valtrex. I am pretty good with not lettting this upset me, i do realize that it is not the end of the world, although it is cery upsetting. I at first assumed that it was from this new guy that i have only been talking to about two weeks now, so i told him, and told him that he should call his ex and let her know. I assumed it was him because i was tested before my last boyfriend and we had gone together an were both clean. My question is that now Im nervous he is obviously going to get tested but if he doesnt have it, than that would mean it was from me. But how? He said that i would not be lonely because he is still there for me. I am giving him some time to let it sink in and do his research, but i am beyond worried that he will not want to continue with our relationship. Not that i blame him, but i really like him. If he does want to continue how do i o about it so he does not get it as well. I know to take the valtrex, but is it an everyday thing or just when you hve an outbreak? So confused!
Hi I found out almost two years ago that me and my boyfriend have herpes.. Very heart breaking I cried for a while but knew I wasnt alone cause I have many friends with the virus too so I began talkin to them but.now im very depressed cause my boyfriend became an alcohlic and he leaves me home by myself all day everyday I began thinkin well maybe hes cheating on me cuz on many occasions ive found him being very flirtages with other woman..well I dont wanna think this way but he said.time to.go get some outbreak meds im starting to get one so I thought dont it mean if u sleep with someone new the outbreak will come shortly after that? Thats how my doc made it sound :(( please help
We have genical herpes we found out 2years ago I am 25 and.he is 23 ive came to realize it was.just a.virus but I wanna know what triggers out breaks
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