Would you sleep with someone with herpes?
You know, sometimes, we, being the ones who have herpes (if you are indeed one of us :-) have to stop and think about this. When we "tell" a prospective mate that we have herpes, do we expect them to just say, "sure, sign me right up". No, we can't expect that. We have to realize and think about how we would have felt, had someone said that to us prior to our contracting this minor virus. I can't even say disease, because it's not really a disease. It's simply a virus. So you ask yourself, "Can I love someone with 437737" or can I love someone with herpes and you have to decide if the person you want to love is worth the risk of having that stigma (which many of us are trying to break the stigma, along with Valtrex BTW). It's not so much the virus which is so horrible, it's the social stigma which has been placed on having herpes. Mind you, there are cases, different strains of herpes, which are relatively rare for the most part, which do create much more discomfort in those who have it, such as herpes neuralgia.
I write more about this in this section of my blog.
posted by Luanne @ 1:28 AM
59 Comments:
Well I recently found out that i had this virus. I got it from my child's father. We were engaged. After i found out that he gave it to me I found out that he had been cheating on me with lots of women. he actually had the nerve to blame me! he asked if i was cheating on him!i told him no. he said he didn't have it and that i didn't get it from him. but he is the ONLY man i had ever been with unprotected. my first ob (b4 i knew what it was) was the most horrible thing i have ever been through. the pain was so severe. it hurt to urinate. i couldn't walk. i was out of work for days. i even had these bad episodes where i couldn't sit down. my legs would go numb all the way to my hips. i had to be dragged to the bathroom because if i put pressure on my legs trying to walk i would scream out in pain. sometimes i would beg my family to let me pee on myself so i wouldnt have to sit down because of the pain. i haven't gotten over this scar on my life. i wake up crying for no reason. my mood swings up and down and i end up a mess. it has taken over my life. i have no life. i cant even bear to think about dating because i would have to tell that person about this if iwant sex or something more serious and the the word my spread about me in this little town of mine. a lot of people know me and all it takes is one guy to turn me down and walk away from me and then blab to his buddies. im not a whore i was faithful to this man! i dont sleep around with everybody! it's not fair!!!!! especially when i know whores( i have some friends whore) who have nothing. they sleep around and get nothing and im not like them. i was just in love with a man who i thought loved me too. why did this happened to me? i am so depressed. i just want to crawl inside a hole and die. i have no one to talk to. i haven't even told my best friend. she'd prob think i had something so contagious if i breathed in her direction she'd get it. im scared she wont understand and not let me give my godchildren kisses anymore. so i dont kiss them i let them kiss me on the cheek so that if i ever do tell she wont freak out and say well why giving my kids kisses, u might give it to them. it aint like she know anything about herpes. i dont even know why im writing this. its not like the rest of these posts all positive and stuff. i try, god knows i try to be positive and go on but i cant! im all alone in this.
What you're feeling, emotionally is so very normal. Once you get used to your new skin and used to the idea, then you too will realize it's JUST a virus. I mean, what other options do you have. I encourage you to send me a private email if you prefer to chat with me. I too am from a super small community and I truly don't care who finds out or who knows. At one point in time, I felt the same way you do. Luckily, my herpes has only been bothersome the 1st time I had an outbreak which was over 20 years ago. Unfortunately, not everyone has that same luck. You are not alone in this. I hope you're checking back on my blog and feel comfortable emailing me. You should really join an online support group Picking Up The Pieces I'm sure you'll find much comfort from that group.
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Hi, i'm sorry to just leave you a comment like this but i really dont know what to do, and you seem very knowledgeable. Anyway, I was diagnosed two days ago. I’m only 16 and it just so happens that the first time I decided to have sex would be the time I got this wonderful virus. Unfortunately my doctor did a very poor job in giving me this news and even explaining what it is. She simply stated, “You have herpes, any questions?” Obviously now I have about ten million questions, but at the time, I was in such complete shock that I was speechless and couldn’t possibly think of one question. After giving me about 2 minutes to think it over, my doctor then continued to say, “Alright, well have fun at prom tonight,” and that was it. Oh yes, the day I found out was also the night of my prom...sweet. Anyways, after letting the news sink in for two days, I am left really confused, and full of immense amount of crazy thoughts/questions. I was wondering if you would answer some of my questions and help me cope, b/c right now i really am lost. thanks alot.
Sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that you contracted herpes at such a young age. I know you are probably scared and probably a bit angry too, at yourself, at the "boy", but all I can right now, is I understand and applaud you for finding others who can share their hope and encouragement. I have found, and this is going to probably sound silly, but I have found that the more times you say the word herpes OUTLOUD, the easier it becomes to actually "hear" it and get used to it for just you. Don't let herpes define who you are as a young person. You are certainly not alone and you will find that it's truly a very common virus. What I would like to see is a huge rally to help spread awareness, to let others know that having herpes is not something to be ashamed of and to help heal those who have it, because after the initial, painful outbreaks, herpes tends to affect people more on an emotional level vs. physical. Give yourself some time, talk to others, find a support group, go to a therapist and let them know that you need someone to talk to, but whatever you do, always remember to smile and know you are NOT alone. Hang in there girl. Don't apologize for asking for help. That's why I started this blog, to be another person for people to reach out to. I'm OK and so are you :-) OH, and another thing I might add about Doctors.....I tend to see a common, "whatever" sort of attitude among many of them, so to me, that says how very common this virus is and how non-life threatening it is. Do Doctor's need to maybe realize that this is more of an emotional trauma and that maybe they should recommend that the person they have just diagnosed should go talk to a therapist? I think that what doctors could do to help is be made aware how many support groups, sponsored by ASHA are out in many of the major cities. You will find tons of other people living with herpes if you do a search via yahoo groups. Last time I did a search, there were over 500 different yahoo groups. Check my inspirational posts which talk more about those gatherings and how healing they can be.
Good luck to you :-)
Luanne
If you're looking for Valtrex, this site has good prices and they deliver next day.
Hi.....I don't really know a lot about the virus. The reason that I am writing is because I just found out that my girlfriend has herpes. I acted very calm when she told me, but I was freaking out inside!! We had made love many times before she told me. I really like this girl, but I am also having a really hard time getting past this!! Any advise?? Can you have a normal life with the virus and what about having children? I would hate to think that I had to wear a condom the rest of my life during sex if we were to get married!! She told me that she hasn't had a breakout in well over a year and she doesn't even take the valtrex (sp??) anymore. Is this smart? All advise will be considered!! Thanks for reading.......
Hi there. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back with you.
It is very normal for you to be concerned and sometimes I have to remind myself that if the shoe were on the other foot, would I be so willing to say "sign me up". There is a risk of catching herpes, there's always a risk, but it depends on her too. Everyone is different, people don't all shed the same amount, some people have herpes worse than the next, depending on life style and some claim, foods you eat?? I honestly don't know if I believe that so much, but logically, the "toxins" we put into our bodies DOES play an important role......OK, so I tangent too :-)
What I'm thinking you're having the most difficulty getting past is the fact that it took her so long to tell you. And I'm sure you're thinking that you might now have it, which is true. What I recommend, is that you have the Western Blot test done and then you'll know if you've been exposed to herpes. Think of herpes like this, would you NOT kiss this girl if she were sporting a cold sore on her mouth? Probably not at the moment, but if you didn't see it there, you'd probably proceed per usual. Same situation applies to below the belt. Why should it be any different. Mind you, the shedding is what now seems to be a concern for so many people. If you really love this girl, and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, then don't let herpes stand in the way of your happiness. I, along with many others, have had lots of unprotected sex with our partners over the course of years and years and so far, they've been continually tested and it's never shown up for them. Really, having herpes is more of a social and emotional stigma vs. a real physical problem. It truly is NOT the end of the world. The best thing you can do is educate yourself and realize just HOW many people in our world today are living with herpes and the subject simply never comes up. Right??
:-) I'm not on supression, never have been and as I mentioned earlier, lots of unprotected sex in my past as well as a normal vaginal birth of my child and I didn't pass it on to him. Read this awesome post which I found on another message board. It was posted several years ago, but the message is still the same:
Luanne
I recently was diagnosed with gential herpes, and I was and still am truly devastated. The day I found out I told my boyfriend, who was very understanding and told me that it was okay and that I am going to be fine. I cried for a week. I am not sure if he gave it to me or if I got it from my past relationship, but I am worried that I will pass it to my nine year old if I touch him. I used to enjoy sex, but know I am afraid all the time. I am hoping this feeling will past. My boyfriend is going to get tested today to see if he has it or not. I pray that he does not. I know that I am supposed to feel normal, but I do not. I would love to have another baby, but I am afraid of that too. I am trying to be positive but it's hard.
Hang in there, you'll be just fine. Truly, it's not the end of the world having herpes. It makes you more aware of yourself and your body. I commend your boyfriend's attitude, but I hate to say it, that it makes me wonder if he doesn't already know he has it himself. I'll be curious to know his test results, not that it will matter at this point. Don't beat yourself up over this too much. The bottom line is, it takes time to get used to the "new you", but you'll soon find out that it's more of an emotional turmoil vs. a physical struggle with this (that's how it is for the majority of people). Hang in there and do keep me posted. I'm sorry you have herpes, but it could have been worse. Say the word Herpes outloud to yourself, over and over again and eventually, you'll get comfortable hearing it for yourself.
Hang in there girl :-)
Luanne
I wrote in a while ago talking about how upset I was when I found out I had herpes, and that my boyfriend was going to get tested. However, he never did; in fact he told me that he is not concerned at all about getting herpes or seeing if he is a carrier. It makes me wonder if he knows something and not telling me or he's just not concerned about it.
I know it sure would make me curious about it too. Sounds to me like he might be in denial. Mind you, not that a person should freak out about having herpes, because after all, it is JUST a virus, right, but nonetheless, I guess ignorance is bliss huh. Not sure what to tell you at this point, but for all you know, he could have something worse and that's the part which would concern me! Know what I mean. Good luck.
Hi I got herpes about a year ago and i don't now that much i have only slept with one person and he said he didnt have it..i am very confused bout it and i still have no clue what to do bout this viruse and i havent been out with anyone since i found out ...i am also looking online but it dosent tell me anything..my own parents dont now about it ...i have emotions that i cannot explain and my doctor didnt care well actually it was a wlak in clinic aghhh i am just writin nothin rilly
Hi there Anonymous....your boyfriend may have had herpes all along and never realized it. I'm sure you probably both didn't get tested prior to becoming intimate, but this day and age, in order for people to truly know their status, they really should get tested ahead of time. If he had it orally (many folks simply call this a coldsore, in my opinion 'sugar coating' the word herpes) and if he performed oral sex on you, he could have transferred it that way. What kind of herpes do you have? and Where? Do you engage in oral sex? I'm not surprised that the clinic didn't seem to offer more support. Doctors seem to take the stand which I do and that is that herpes is a virus, one which is non-life threatening and one which can be controlled by honesty (1st and foremost) and many do recommend daily suppression. What doctors need to realize is that people suffer more emotionally than physically by living with herpes. People who are diagnosed need to have someone they feel they can trust to talk to about this. It may seem unimportant to many, in the medical community, but it can be a very devasting blow to the person being diagnosed. What I recommend to people is to tell them to say the word 'herpes' out loud, several times to themselves. The more used to hearing the word yourself, the easier it becomes. Try it!! Are you generally closer to your Mom or your Dad? How old are you? Feel free to get in touch with me or interact on my blog. You can still remain anonymous. I do understand that need as well. Smile, having herpes is truly not the end of the world and nothing you should be ashamed up. Chin up girl :-) It's JUST a virus.
I'm 20 years old and I just found out that I have herpes two days ago. I really haven't left my room... just been crying, reading up on it, sleeping, etc. I do feel a little better about the whole incident now that I have read so many experiences and helpful websites on the matter. The worst part is going out with my friends and everyone acting normally talking about usual problems and what not. I have only told one person but neither of us really know what to say. I have decided to accept it, talk to a doctor about my options and move on. I still have to tell the person I have been sleeping with, which scares me the most; there is a big chance that I contracted the virus from him. Obviously, however, this may not be the case and it is difficult to track down even though I have not been sleeping around at all. I'm scared if he has it, and I'm even more scared of his reaction if he does not(ironically). Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences and wish me luck.
Pennie, what you are experiencing is so very common. It takes a while to wrap your mind around this, but trust me in that you'll be OK :-)
Good for you for acknowledging that it is what it is, something you have no power over and something which you simply have to accept about yourself and your new you. You will find that your honesty will become your strength.
I wouldn't be surprised if you got it from your current man and it's very possible that he didn't know he even had herpes to begin with. If he did know and didn't tell, what can I say but "shame on him". We're not perfect though, but it does need to be brought to his attention. Good luck to you and keep me posted.
Luanne
Hi! My bf and I have been together for almost a year and about 4 months ago he told me he thought he had herpes because he had some sores appear which then turned into blisters, along with the flu like symptoms,ect. He told me that he thought he got it seven years ago from his first gf, because he had a similiar occurence. He said he never had another oubreak again so he thought he was wrong about the first and never really thought about it again until now. I was very supportive when he told me but am still a little upset that he never mentioned this before. I asked him about his first outbreak and he said his gf told him she got it as a baby from someone that kissed her. I have a very hard time believing this and wander if this could be true. She never bothered to tell him anything until he had an ob and then told him that story. I guess it is just bothering me, could this be true? Also, does it seem possible that he could only have one ob and then seven years later have sex with me and get it? I have never had an ob or anything like that and we had already been together for 5 months prior to this ob??
"He said he never had another oubreak again so he thought he was wrong about the first and never really thought about it again until now."
That is extremely common. Many people will have an outbreak, ignore it and figure it's nothing when it just goes away.
I was very supportive when he told me but am still a little upset that he never mentioned this before.
Ignorance is bliss my friend and because he chose to ignore what he believed was herpes, he never educated himself to find out what was really going on with his body. It is common and that's why there are so many people who have herpes and/or pass it on, because they choose to ignore it.
I asked him about his first outbreak and he said his gf told him she got it as a baby from someone that kissed her.
Very possible and extremely likely
I have a very hard time believing this and wander if this could be true.
yep, it's very true. Coldsores are herpes of the mouth, ie: oral herpes and if she was having an outbreak or shedding when she performed oral sex on him the virus can then be transferred to the genital area. That's what happened to me too.
She never bothered to tell him anything until he had an ob and then told him that story.
She probably didn't consider it to be an STD. She probably just thought it was a "coldsore" and didn't realize that she could pass it on in the form of genital herpes. This is one of the more common forms of herpes is HSV1 from what I've read and heard from others.
I guess it is just bothering me, could this be true?
You have every right to be disappointed in his lack of educating himself, because after all, this sounds like a typical case of ignorance. I mean, who really wants to admit they might have something going on with their sexuality. We've always been taught that STD's are icky and you don't even want to go there, so why would someone want to face that reality. It's so much easier to just 'hope for the best'.
Also, does it seem possible that he could only have one ob and then seven years later have sex with me and get it?
yep, as your body becomes more used to the virus, you have less and less outbreaks. Has he been tested to find out exactly which kind he has?
I have never had an ob or anything like that and we had already been together for 5 months prior to this ob??
I hate to say this, but it's very possible that you too could have genital herpes and not even know it. Many people are carrying the virus and are simply unaware. Even if you go to the clinic to get 'tested for STD's' the clinics don't automatically check for herpes, it's something you need to ask to be checked for. Many times they won't test for it unless you're having an outbreak, but if you really want to know, they can check for antibodies using the Western Blot test. Get tested so that you know. If you're like me, you would rather be honest with any future partners and based on what you're telling me, you would have preferred if you would have known from the beginning and rightly so. That's what many of us who are dealing with this virus are trying to instill upon others is to have the talk. There are so many other STD's out there which are life threatening, yet Herpes is not (except in very extreme cases, mostly neonatal herpes) and herpes neuralgia is a very painful form of herpes, but not as common as genital or oral herpes.
Good luck with your situation and keep me posted. Get tested and you'll then know if you've contracted it as well. You're not alone and it's not the end of the world.
Im so scared. Im afraid to have herpes. The pictures I see when I google it on google images. I have something that doesn't really itch, burn, or hurt and it's not oozing anything. Im really hoping it is just a little tear. My boyfriend's never really had anything that looked like a herpes sore. We both have genital warts. But no longer really ever get an outbreak. Im scared to have that and herpes. Does that make me ugly or dirty or worthless? Im so scared. I saw a tiny tiny cold sore looking thing next to something that looks like it tore maybe, it would always hurt when we have sex lately for about two months. But I was tested before and didnt have it. Im so so so scared. I dont want to have huge outrageous sores that will hurt down there. Im 18, if these are my teen years, how is my older years going to be!! Im going to the doctor tomarrow to get my new results from a test a couple weeks ago. I hope she'll have time to look at whatever this is. Gosh, Im so scared you guys! After sex, I would always rush to the bathroom and clean myself. Why is this happening!?
Im so scared. Im afraid to have herpes.
First of all, calm down, it'll be ok, really. Get tested so you'll know for sure. Not everything which happens down below is herpes OK. I do understand your fear though because we've all been there.
The pictures I see when I google it on google images.
Honestly, these pictures are sometimes the worst case scenarios. Many times, the 1st outbreak is the absolute worst and yes, can look the worst, but as time goes on, your body gets used to living with the virus and future outbreaks are not nearly as bad for most people.
I have something that doesn't really itch, burn, or hurt and it's not oozing anything. Im really hoping it is just a little tear.
Usually, if you're having an outbreak (and remember, you could have herpes and show no symptoms) then the outbreak tends to be a bit painful. It's your bodies way of letting you know to not ignore what's going on.
My boyfriend's never really had anything that looked like a herpes sore. We both have genital warts.
Genital Warts is a form of HPV
But no longer really ever get an outbreak. Im scared to have that and herpes. Does that make me ugly or dirty or worthless?
absolutely NOT!!! Herpes will not and does not define who you are as a person, so don't allow it to control you.
Im so scared. I saw a tiny tiny cold sore looking thing next to something that looks like it tore maybe, it would always hurt when we have sex lately for about two months. But I was tested before and didnt have it. Im so so so scared. I dont want to have huge outrageous sores that will hurt down there.
My best advice is to get tested and MAKE SURE they are testing for herpes because they won't automatically test for it unless you are having an outbreak.
Im 18, if these are my teen years, how is my older years going to be!!
You are NOT alone
Positive Singles for Dating
Im going to the doctor tomarrow to get my new results from a test a couple weeks ago.
Please let me know what the doctor tells you. Wishing you well.
I hope she'll have time to look at whatever this is. Gosh, Im so scared you guys!
Don't be afraid, you just need to be responsible and realize that bad things do happen to good people, but after all, herpes is JUST a virus, one which you need to educate yourself about and be sure to let future sex partners know of your situation.
After sex, I would always rush to the bathroom and clean myself. Why is this happening!?
We're not herpes proof my friend and that's the sad fact of herpes.
Positive Singles for Dating
Luanne, You are very sweet to be helping everyone with their issues on this. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post!
Im the one who you last responded to, talking about how Im afraid to have genital wart and herpes.
Well, I went to the doctor today and I didn't think my doctor would have the sort of "whatever" attitude towards this kind of thing, but she did. And that was probably the most upsetting thing at the time she read my results. At first she read herpes, negative. And I felt so relieved and happy. But then she said, "Oh wait, I was reading it wrong, Gonnorhea, negative and Herpes, positive.
I was devasted! I wanted to cry at that moment but made myself freeze up inside. And after that she just kept reading down the list of results which were all negative.
The only thing is, it says I am negaative for both types and the doctor said the lab work just detected an acute form of the virus. But she checked down there on me, and saw nothing. And I do get cold sores. I've been getting them ever since I was younger. She said it could just be that and just type 1 maybe. I guess what I thought I saw down there, was nothing really at all, because I tried to show it to her but when I saw it in better lighting it didn't really look like anything. She said I was clean. And because I dont have anything down there she thinks it could just be the cold sores I get because cold sores are considered a form of herpes. I didn't even understand what she was saying at first and I went home to my mother who returned to the doctor's office with me to go over the results. The nurse explained it to my mom and my mom is telling me not to worry and just relax. She says they said right now, I am negative for it and that my cold sores were detected as a form of the herpes virus. Im so confused. Im still so scared!! And my boyfriend, I called him crying after first getting the results and hung up on him saying I dont think he's going to love me after this and look at me different. I really am afraid of that. Im so afraid of what his results might say. He wants to get tested sometime soon, I just really hope he keeps up on that goal. Should I push him to do it like he says he is? My mom says I should hold out on sex until he does. Im really afraid, what if he doesn't have it, or does and it's down there. Gosh, I sound like a baby, but when I get scared that is how I act, like a baby. I just dont know what to think. Im hoping its just, if anything, the type 1. The doctor said, thats what it is unless I get something down there and then I need to go get that coultered, sp? and see if it holds the virus. I've been crying for three days and Im so afraid it would be harder for someone to love me. Im so pathetic right now.
Luanne, You are very sweet to be helping everyone with their issues on this. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post!
You're most welcome. Believe me, we've all been through this emotionally devasting diagnosis and have come to simply accept it for what is is, a VIRUS
Im the one who you last responded to, talking about how Im afraid to have genital wart and herpes.
Well, I went to the doctor today and I didn't think my doctor would have the sort of "whatever" attitude towards this kind of thing, but she did. And that was probably the most upsetting thing at the time she read my results.
I guess the attitude that all of us need to take is that if the doctors view this is a "whatever" type of condition, then we too can be allowed to view it that way. The biggest change that all of us need to take is the view that it is just that, a virus and we won't die from it, but we do need to have some responsibility with std's and our sexual health. It truly is not the end of the world and you can't let herpes define who you are as a person.
At first she read herpes, negative. And I felt so relieved and happy. But then she said, "Oh wait, I was reading it wrong, Gonnorhea, negative and Herpes, positive.
oh geez!! If doctors only knew how much we work ourselves up over our diagnosis then to have her say no, then yes immediately. I totally understand your disappointment and sense of relief you felt for about 2 seconds. For lack of a better way to say it "That sucks"!!
I was devasted! I wanted to cry at that moment but made myself freeze up inside. And after that she just kept reading down the list of results which were all negative.
The only thing is, it says I am negative for both types and the doctor said the lab work just detected an acute form of the virus.
What the heck does that mean? You're negative for both, yet you have an acute form of the virus? Ok, that's a new one on me. I would ask her to explain that comment just a bit more. Maybe what she meant is that you are negative at the moment, meaning not shedding, but that you are a carrier??? I would ask the doc.
But she checked down there on me, and saw nothing. And I do get cold sores. I've been getting them ever since I was younger. She said it could just be that and just type 1 maybe.
You know, I meant to comment on the 'small cuts' you saw in your vaginal area. I know that for me and many others, it has been described similiar to a paper cut for some people and also, what I've read is that, according to many people (I'm not a doctor) that if you have HSV-1 (this can both be genital and/or oral and transmitted by your typical coldsore which MANY, MANY people have and is definitely oral herpes. When they perform oral sex on a partner, they could transfer the oral herpes to the genital area and based on other peoples experiences, if they have HSV-1 (coldsores down yonder) that this form of herpes is not as painful and/or does not appear as frequently or as painfully as the HSV2 version.
I guess what I thought I saw down there, was nothing really at all, because I tried to show it to her but when I saw it in better lighting it didn't really look like anything. She said I was clean.
That's why I'm thinking that it might be a paper cut version. Does it hurt to urinate? Paper cut types of sores are difficult to actually see sometimes. Think about when you get a paper cut on your finger.
And because I dont have anything down there she thinks it could just be the cold sores I get because cold sores are considered a form of herpes. I didn't even understand what she was saying at first and I went home to my mother who returned to the doctor's office with me to go over the results. The nurse explained it to my mom and my mom is telling me not to worry and just relax. She's right!! :-) She says they said right now, I am negative for it and that my cold sores were detected as a form of the herpes virus. That's because cold sores is herpes. It's HSV1 Im so confused. Im still so scared!! Again, what you're experiencing is totally normal.And my boyfriend, I called him crying after first getting the results and hung up on him saying I dont think he's going to love me after this and look at me different. Again, normal to feel that way in the beginning, but you are still you!! I really am afraid of that. Im so afraid of what his results might say. He wants to get tested sometime soon, I just really hope he keeps up on that goal. Me too because if he has it too, then you have nothing to really worry about as far as the relationship between the two of you. It's a good thing to know what's going on with our bodies anyway. Should I push him to do it like he says he is? My mom says I should hold out on sex until he does. I wouldn't really "push" him, but I would say to him that it would make you feel better and him too if both of you knew your status and that you want to protect him if at all possible from getting it if he doesn't have it. You can proceed with a normal, healthy sex life. This does not have to change that totally, unless of course you're having an obvious outbreak, then I would abstain. The most frustrating part about this virus for me is the asymptomatic shedding which can occur and you won't even know it. That's what's infuriating and frustrating to me. I don't take any medicine for my herpes because my belief is that whether I take the meds or not, there is still no guarantee that I won't transmit it, even though, I've had many sexual relationships, and even unprotected ones where I never passed the virus on to anyone else, but then again, there are no guarantee's and I'm certainly not promoting not using a condom, nor am I promoting not taking meds. It really should be a personal choice, one which you and your partner would need to make together. Im really afraid, what if he doesn't have it, or does and it's down there. Gosh, I sound like a baby, but when I get scared that is how I act, like a baby. I just dont know what to think. Im hoping its just, if anything, the type 1. The doctor said, thats what it is unless I get something down there and then I need to go get that coultered, sp? and see if it holds the virus.another thought, you might want to get a hold of your actual results and have them read by another doctor to see what their analysis of the readings are. It's very possible that your doctor doesn't have a whole lot of experience with reading these types of results and/or not good at conveying what the results actually mean. Wouldn't hurt to get a 2nd opinion. Did they do the Western blot test on you or do you know? I've been crying for three days and Im so afraid it would be harder for someone to love me. Im so pathetic right now.
Again, you will be fine. Hang in there and have your boyfriend get tested. Join some online support groups to get other people's opinions and read other people's true stories. You will find the strength you need to get through this and learn to accept and understand it. If you live in a larger city, there very well may be some support and or social groups which you could go and meet others face to face who will be totally understanding to your situation. Meeting other people who also have herpes was the very best thing which I could have done for myself and I know it will help you too. Find out those specific results so that you can move forward. Trust me, you will be OK and I'm also very very glad you confided in your Mom. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that because they feel so ashamed and they shouldn't feel that way, but it's easier said than done sometimes, believe me, I know
:-) Have a wonderful weekend and keep me posted.
:) Yeah, my mom is going to change my doctor and get me a gynecologist. sp? I could have one of the new doctors review it with me. Im kind of scared they'll tell me I do have it for sure.
-Im the person from
I was wondering, when you have it down there will you know because you'll feel it? I dont really want to be stressing out every day checking myself fifty million times hoping I wont find anything. I just want to go about my normal life and try to still live my life to the fullest and not need to check and worry every day. So, could I do that? Will I feel anything specific down there if I get something? I think I could be allergic to latex condoms, so what do you think I could do about that? I want to be protected during all of this. And if I never get something down there, would I need to protect myself all the time with my boyfriend? Im on birth control. We stopped using protection probably half a year ago. The results I got are confusing, the doctor says Im negative but I do get cold sores. My mom says she understands good. She says I get cold sores, which is the form of herpes they're talking about which makes me suseptable to the virus meaning I can get it extremely easy if exposed to the type 2.
I guess I just want to know, if my boyfriend and I are not getting anything down there and I just keep getting my cold sores like I have, do we NEED to wear protection? See how confused I am!! Im so glad I can talk to someone about this!
since entering into the Herpevac vaccine Jan of last year i have learned a lot about herpes - and i am in the medical field but found that our classes were totally lacking about this virus.
herpes is much more common then i ever thought it would be, and so many people do NOT know that they actually have it - either type I or II. Also, with better methods of detecting it we are finding that the type really does not equal body spot of infection. Do i think of myself as better then others b/c of my (thus so far) negitive status - heck no! would i not date someone just because they already know that they are infected with HSVII (as many with it seem to think) - nope i would rather be with someone that actually knows their status and does what they can with me to prevent transmission. If i were to end up contracting it, then thats what happens. I get really burned up when people state that they are "STI/STD FREE" when in fact most doctors do not even bother to test for HSV (per US medical standards) and there is no blood test for HPV. Many in tgh emedical field do not test for HSV even when someone asks "for everything" as they think that a positive test would be too devistating!?!? They are the ones adding to the whole aspect of being ashamed and fearful and does not help at all. if more people actually knew their status then it would not be such a big deal.
Hopefully with all of the media attention on how hard it is to test for HPV, and how many people actually have it, HSV will finially be able to be seen for what it is - a virus - or as my GYN stated "a skin disorder that sometimes acts up".
From my vaccine center i have a tee shirt that has herpes stats on it - people tend to read my shirt and then look at me and ask "REALLY?! that many people have it?!"
I am writing this as a middle aged woman who has had hsv2 for four years. A woman who is in the dating scene.
In the relationship in which herpes became an issue, I have to say that if he had told me he had herpes, I probably would've still pursued a relationship with him. Things would've been more careful, but the relationship would've continued.
But I'm not sure I'd feel that way about everyone I have dated in the past. Sometimes the person just isn't trustworthy enough to take the risk with. I guess I have a more difficult time with someone who isn't forthcoming about important issues like health, money, communicating, period.
I am currently in a relationship where we have chosen, at this time to not have intercourse because he is nervous. Frankly, so am I. I had such a hard time with it at first physically and emotionally; I don't want to visit that upon someone I care about. But it is interesting that we can be making out and he can breathlessly say "I really hate your virus because I so want to ......." and it sounds damn romantic. And it is kind of odd to have hand santizer on the night stand with other stuff, but it means that we both take our health seriously.
The support that has come to me from my family and from friends and my church has been phenomenal. I know that herpes is not the end of the world, but it does carry a stigma in society and people are just not comfortable with someone who says "So, I have herpes and the other day ..."
But I gotta tell you that it's something that needs attention. Knowing what prodome feels like for you is essential in minimizing the discomfort of an outbreak. Knowing what can cause an outbreak is important.
That was a long way to say the short answer is I'm not sure I would've slept with someone who told me they had herpes before I got it myself. It really is highly dependent on the trust and care in the relationship. And if they told me, I'm thinking that trust and faith were there.
I feel like I've talked in circles, but I think you get my point.
I've been with my partner for two and a half years. And only him. I have been getting cold sores ever since I was a kid. He never got any cold sores until recently he bit his lip or something and a bubble appeared and he likes to bite on it some more, so it now looks like a small cold sore. And he's been biting on the side of his lip when he gets bored, so it looks like a thin top layer of his lip is missing. Im telling him to stop!! Could I have made him get cold sores maybe? I was the anonymous up there that you responded to Luanne, about how I have warts and am afraid to have herpes also. You responded twice.
But moving on, my boyfriend and I haven't had any herpes like sores down there yet but are nervous about it.
Do we need to wear condoms every time? Weve had unprotected sex so many times, more than protected. I am on birthcontrol. We've been together for two and half years, im just asking cant we go about our business like we always have? By now it will have already been too late for one of us not to have it and only one does. But I'm super nervous that sex would make a break out happen. The doctor said it wouldn't increase the number of breakouts or anything like that, it just depends on how your body handles it. If I do just have the cold sores and thats it. If I dont engage in oral, could my cold sores like, move down to my genitals or his if were just having sex normally? I have so many questions! How should I go about my sex life with my one and only partner of two and a half years? And he likes oral and I've done it a couple times in these years when I dont have a cold sore and my mouth is clean and he's just gotten out of the shower. Can I still do that, or will he get something down there? He hasn't had anything yet. I always rinse my mouth with listerine right after also. Im just so lost and confused Luanne, you seem to know so much, I hope you find the time to respond to this post! I talk to my mom about it and she said, I should just be with him like I was before. Everything is fine so far, so she says I need to just keep loving him freely. My mom is very understanding of this stuff but yes, she is still very protective of me. And I read that herpes can appear behind the knee on your leg, and I've gotten a rash there before, also on the inner part of my arm behind my elbow, but they go away when I put vit E on it, I only started getting these strange rashes ever since I started working at an Elementary school because all the kids hang on my arms or legs. What do you think Luanne?
Anonymous,
I completely understand your confusion! It isn't easy to know exactly what you can and can't do to be safe. I've searched so many books and research articles looking for definitive "rules" that will tell me exactly what I can do, and you know what? you won't really find hard answers. The truth is, almost everything has *some* risk. the question is, how much of a risk? We take risks everyday when we get in a car. The best you can do is communicate with your partner to decide together what you both are comfortable with. if you think it's already too late, (I know it's hard to bite the bullet) but get tested. then you won't have to worry about what's happened in the past. I don't know about you, but for me, knowing is a lot easier to deal with than not knowing.
Luanne, i was diagnosed with herpes almost 6 months ago. Im pretty sure i got it from the guy id been seeing on and off for 3 years. I found out afterward that he was sleeping with someone else for at least the last 4 months of our involvement. When i told him i might have it he was supportive but disappeared the next day. when i told him i for sure had it and the doctor said considering my sexual history, it was most likely from him, he went into complete denial. i begged him to go with me for the results and he said no, but he went to get tested with the other woman he was seeing behind my back. I know this is no big deal but im having a terrible time coping with the strain of knowing i contracted an STD from someone i loved who was my best friend and betrayed me so badly. I want to start dating again but i havent met only on mpwh and im terrified of having to tell someone new that i have herpes. ive had 3 outbreaks in the last 5 months and they are so painful sometimes i cant sit or stand comfortably. i only have 1 sore, thank god. i cant imagine how much worse it is if you have multiple sores! Now my father needs a kidney and i very much want to be able to be a donor, but he is the only person in my family who doesnt know about the herpes and im afraid it will make me inelligible to be a donor, or that i will have to tell him and i think that would just kill me. would i sleep with someone with herpes? if i had known, and been given the facts... i dont know. and thats the only answer i can give. in this day and age... how often do you find a relationship that physically moves so slowly that youre already in love before you have sex? maybe thats cynical... but its also the truth, and since you CAN catch herpes with condom use... what options are there?
I dont really want to be stressing out every day checking myself fifty million times hoping I wont find anything. I just want to go about my normal life and try to still live my life to the fullest and not need to check and worry every day. So, could I do that?
Then don't check yourself every day :-) Life is too short to live stressed out over a bloomin' virus!! KWIM Just be responsible with it and you and anyone else you are involved with will be fine. There truly is not alot we can do about it and stress is one of the biggest triggers of herpes outbreaks, so stress will certainly not help. :-)
Will I feel anything specific down there if I get something?
many people, myself included experience tingles or slight pain when urinating. Eventually, you'll be in tune to what is going on and remember, not everything is a herpes outbreak.
I think I could be allergic to latex condoms, so what do you think I could do about that?
definitely ask your doctor because if that's what is going on, then you can change the type of condom you're using. I would check with an allergist on that.
I want to be protected during all of this. And if I never get something down there, would I need to protect myself all the time with my boyfriend?
not necessarily, but the only issue is, there are no guarantee's. Has your boyfriend been tested for any/all STD's? That's the first step is to find out his status too.
Im on birth control. We stopped using protection probably half a year ago. The results I got are confusing, the doctor says Im negative but I do get cold sores. My mom says she understands good. She says I get cold sores, which is the form of herpes they're talking about which makes me suseptable to the virus meaning I can get it extremely easy if exposed to the type 2.
I guess I just want to know, if my boyfriend and I are not getting anything down there and I just keep getting my cold sores like I have, do we NEED to wear protection? See how confused I am!! Im so glad I can talk to someone about this!
so you're saying you just have the cold sores in the mouth area?That's what I'm reading.
There are LOTS and LOTS of us living with herpes, so you're not alone
Sandra Therese - I totally agree with everything you said!!
would i not date someone just because they already know that they are infected with HSVII (as many with it seem to think) nope i would rather be with someone that actually knows their status and does what they can with me to prevent transmission. If i were to end up contracting it, then thats what happens. I get really burned up when people state that they are "STI/STD FREE" when in fact most doctors do not even bother to test for HSV
Thank you for sharing your thoughts anonymous (middle aged woman). It helps to know that others may benefit from our struggles.
to that girl in NY:
"I know this is no big deal"
It isn't, but it is. It's a big deal in that you're taking this very seriously and your ex simply doesn't want to admit to shall I say "flawed". Heck, who really does want to admit it, right? But it is the right thing to do and as others have indicated, wouldn't you rather know than not?
I totally hear your frustration. Sort of a case of you're damned if you do and damned if ya don't. Do you live near a big city? I always recommend spending time around others (in live time) who are living with herpes. It is the absolute best medicine, I believe that one can do for themselves. The beauty of it is, you don't even have to "have the talk", because you already know that you already have it. It truly is the best medicine. You have to be right with yourself before anyone else can be OK with you having herpes. Say the actual word OUT LOUD a few times. It gets easier to hear yourself say it if you do it a few times. I'm serious. try it :-) and give yourself a break and give yourself some time. Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. This is truly NOT the end of the world.
Oral Herpes, The outline of my lips have been stinging ever since I did something a little immature with my friends. I sort of inhaled helium, I guess you could say and we were getting kind of high off of it, but ever since then the outline of my lips have been stinging. It feels like I have lip liner on that stings. Not my lips, just the outline. I dont really have anything there either, its happened to me before, but I could actually see dry skin. What could it be? Its pretty weird, I dont understand it and I put vasaline and vit e on it, but it doesn't make it stop stinging really, because theres nothing really there. what could be going on?
Hi,
I’ve been reading these posts and I have a question. I’ve met a young woman that I've fallen head over heels for and want a long term relationship with. We met and was together for a little while before she went back home. A few weeks later she flew back and she told me that she contracted herpes 9 years ago. I was cool but almost passed out. Jesus.
I was cool about it, like a previous poster stated. However we had not had sex yet up till that point. She explained every thing to me. I decided after deep discussions with her to make love to her and at this point I'm not looking back. I've familiarized myself about the disease and feel comfortable and safe. She said that she is not on any meds and that she has had only 4 outbreaks in all that time. Her outbreaks usually consist of no more that 2-3 small sores (below the belt) and they last 3-4 days. After reading this blog, I feel better and more informed.
I want to marry this woman, but my questions are simple. Can I have children with this woman? Her Doctor has told her that she is more than ready. Will medicine further suppress the outbreaks or start outbreaks? Which medicine should she take?
What are my chances, even taking the precautions, of ever contracting this virus from her? There’s a lot more questions I have but my concern is my own health.
Understand this, I’m already in love with her. We are in Love with each other. Anyone reading this has to ask yourself, Can you look past the negativity? Can you live with it? I’ve asked and answered my own questions. This is my start in understanding what I will be dealing with. So any advice will be greatly appreciated.
First of all, I want to commend you on seeking information and getting educated so that you can move forward and just enjoy yourselves and hopefully your future lives together. I hate to sound so simple minded about this, but really, it is "just a virus".
yes, you can have children. I had my son vaginally and never passed it on. You're girlfriend sounds alot like me in that my outbreaks are very infrequent and I don't take meds either. As far as I know, I never passed it on either, but EVERYONE is different and there is always that risk.
Good for her for telling you relatively early on in the relationship. It takes a whole lot of courage and self respect to admit to a flaw about yourself in which someone you really care about might reject you over. She did the right thing by telling you. I think you've found someone who is worthy of keeping if she cared enough about you to inform.
********************************
ok, you ask this:
Will medicine further suppress the outbreaks or start outbreaks? the studies claim that it does, but I personally believe that because there is no guarantee, why bother. Maybe I'm wrong in feeling that way, but I see no reason to subject myself to another pill which doesn't cure or give any guarantees. I believe it should be a personal choice. Which medicine should she take?majority of people take Valtrex, but she should/could check with her doctor
What are my chances, even taking the precautions, of ever contracting this virus from her? honestly, it's really like Russian Roulette. It's the shedding which could infect you and you not even see it comin'. For me, I abstained when I felt as though I might be having an outbreak physically speaking. I honestly don't know if that even could have been shedding, but they claim that a person won't know if they're shedding. They also say condoms help to minimize, but again, no guarantee there because herpes is transmitted by skin to skin contact. There’s a lot more questions I have but my concern is my own health.and rightly so. I know that if I would have been given the choice, I probably wouldn't have said "Sure!! Sign me UP!!!" *wink* so I totally understand your concern, but seriously, having herpes, for me and for the majority of people I've talked to has simply been a minor inconvenience physically. I have seen that it has emotionally devastated/frustrated people more so because of the stigma associated with it. Good luck and keep me posted.
to the anonymous poster who posted about inhaling helium....
yeah, that's not very smart, but I can't say as I've never done it either. Did you go to the Doctor to have it checked out? I suppose it's possible that you could be allergic to the latex in the balloons or maybe the helium had some sort of adverse reaction on your skin. I highly doubt it is herpes, but I'm not a doctor so you might want to have it checked out. I did try to do some research on the web for you about it, but didn't find anything specific.
Let me know :-) Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
if i did not have it, i probably would not sleep with anyone who had it as well. before my ex gave me herpes, i did not know what any std was except for HIV.
well, all I can do is tell you my story and hope that it will put your mind at east. Mind you, this is the watered down version:
I had my first serious boyfreind at age 18, the relationship lasted 4 years. When I was 24, I was the victim of a sexual assault (at that point, I didn't tell anyone it had happened/it was not reported), a week later, I got what I called a "rash"...it was really just a bump that itched. I went to an STD clinic where I was told it was an ingrown hair. WEll, over these last 8 years, I have been back to my GYN several times with the same "itchy bump" in the same spot...GYN told me it was an ingrown hair but I insisted on having the blood test for herpes the last time I went to the GYN (this past November). I was devistated by the results.
I am 32 years old but I still told my parents because I felt like I had nobody else to count on and I knew my family wouldn't betray me. It was only then that my father told me that one of our relatives contracted it during her first marriage (her husband was cheating on her).
This relative went on to re-marry and have 2 healthy children (natural child birth too) and to my knowledge, her current husband has never caught herpes from her and they have been married for 18 years.
People really are at less of a risk of catching it from a partner that has it and knows it than from someone who does not know. Here is how I like to explain it to people...if the odds of winning on a slot machine in VEgas were 1 in 4, everyone would run to Vegas because they have a good chance of winning...well...1 in 4 people have HSV2...thing is, 90% of those people DON'T KNOW they have it... high odds of catching it....so that's why I don't understand people who "run" when an HSV2 positive person "tells"...they are not eliminating their risk of ever catching it by ending a relationship with an HSV2+ person....if anything, they are increasing their chances of getting it. Just my .02
so i recently started tanning again after almost a year. a week after i had started tanning i basically got all of the beginning symptoms.. the tingling, the itching, the burning. i had no idea what was wrong until one morning i googled my symptoms and up came a bunch of websites on herpes. i freaked. i went to my ob gyn and she told me that yes, she'd obviously have to send in the results, but she knew it was. only thing is, is i've been with my bf for about 4 yrs now and guess what.. i have the 1st type. he gets cold sores and must have passed it on to me orally. how devastated was i? im still freaking out. knock on wood, it only hurt for about 4 days and now, i feel a little funny down there but im hoping its going away. i've educated myself in the last couple of days but i still have SO many questions. im so scared! will it come back soon? will i give it him? cause as far as i know, he doesnt have it down there. (hes obviously going to the doctor soon) but i dunno, im so confused! is it possible that i'll never see it again? which i pray for. my gyn wasnt very helpful at all actually. she just said that the simplex1 isnt nearly as bad. ok? so thats compared to what? can it be passed on my clothes, say to a different area? bc right now its only in one small spot. im so clueless.. bc the questions i have are far beyond the normal education. does medication really work? should i take it everyday? bc i will pay ANYTHING to never see this EVER again! im just basically devastated and would love anyones stories advice, anything! has anyone had the first outbreak and never seen or felt anything again? i cant even imagine having sex again. my bf is completely understanding and wants to continue a normal sex life.. im sure we;re going to get married eventually, but what if that doesnt work, i dont want to tell anyone else! i have so many emotions going through me! anything will help, thanks
Sunday 30th September 2007
It would be a really serious decision for me to have to make to have sexual-intercourse with someone who has herpes.I don't have herpes but i am not a slag,i don't sleep around i have not had many sexual-partners,and now i would really think twice about sleeping with someone i hardly knew,because they might not be a very nice person and i would not want to feel i gave them some part of myself they did not deserve to get that close to.
If they had caught herpes from another profligate sexual -partner ,maybe it was not their fault,i would have some sympathy;but if they caught herpes because they were just a male-slag who screwed-around because it made them feel big,worse,if they caught herpes from a pro$titute;this would so disgust me at their soulessness and callousness and vileness,it would really make me think they really weren't a very caring person and i would really feel disgusted and angry with them if they told me they had caught herpes from a sh$tty little stupid-wh$re b$tch piece of vermin-scum-para$ite-on-planet earth.
if i liked them as a person,,maybe if i fooled myself they had done a lot of personal-work on themselves and become a more feeling person;it would still be a really difficult thing for me to have to deal with-because of their sh$tty souless ,callous,selfish-cunt -past.i would find it really difficult and painful to be in a relationship with this kind of sexual-history ,i would feel like i was acting-out some kind-of -abuse in being with someone whose behaviour in the past had been so souless and callous and selfish.but i don't know,i have never been faced with this very difficult hurtful situation.i hope i never will.
yours sincerely,
marianna jane close (UK)
Marianna Jane. Thank you for stopping by and posting your comment on my blog.
I'm curious where you get the impression that people who have herpes must have been skank ho's? or slept around alot. It doesn't happen that way for everyone, many people got it the first time they ever had sex or were given oral herpes when their momma kissed em on the lips and she probably didn't realize she had herpes of the mouth. Herpes really is not a huge deal, but society has said it's so horrible, when in fact it's not. Mind you, I have learned to minimize it for myself, because had I not, I'd probably be going crazy, but the bottom line is, I'm not a whore, not a skank and certainly won't die from living with herpes. It is "just a virus" afterall.
I was browsing on information on HSV II probably for the millionth time and ran across this blog. I guess I really need to vent about what is going on inside me. I got dx w/HSV II a year and a half ago. I am still devastated about it. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and now I feel hopeless knowing that I will have to pass this information on to the next guy I am with. It would be so much easier if the world saw it the way you did Luanne, but they don't and who knows when they will. I work in the medical field so I see and hear how people react to others who are infected. I feel ashamed and have no self-esteem. I don't think it matters how much I talk about it, I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out again. When will this feeling ever go away and I accept me for me? Someone said it, If I don't accept myself then how can I expect somebody else to do the same? I honestly don't feel like I ever will...
I too was just recently diagnosed, and am feeling very similar to how you describe yourself as feeling. I'm divorced, my ex had HSV2, told me so after we had been having unprotected sex about a month and a half into the relationship...I was too involved by then to back out, especially having already been exposed. We were together for 13 years and I never had an OB until this last year. I'm so grateful to have found this blog. Getting diagnosed, losing my ignorance, has opened my eyes to issues I need to work on before I start another relationship. I can't pretend to accept myself. I really must find a way to fully love and accept myself. And I have felt a profound sense of worthlessness and despair, something I haven't experienced for a long time. I believe there is an important and loving (not punishing) lesson for me in all of this. I hope that you will find a way to express your feelings, get support, and let the sadness pass.
to anonymous who posted on: Monday, November 19, 2007 8:21:00 PM
There is not much more I can say except hang in there. Learn to accept yourself in your new skin. Say the word herpes, out loud a few times to yourself. It's amazing how much easier it gets each time you actually hear the words.
And to the anonymous poster directly above this response, thank you for your thoughts. I hope they help the anon poster directly before you. You are right on that you need to accept yourself first.
With everything in life, we need to find the goodness in it all. I'm a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason". The hard part is finding that reason or message, but it's there. You just need to find it within yourself. You'll be OK and you won't die from this. :-)
Last year when i was on vacation in Mexico and still very "pure" ,no previous experiences, I was raped. I didn't really tell anyone because I felt it was my fault. It has been about a year since and I haven't had any sexual contact, and I've never had oral sex, and I have a small red sore on my labia. I am really scared. It burns sort of and hurts a little. I think it might be herpes from what I've read about it. I'm getting tested on Monday, and I am so afraid of the results. I've never had any good sexual experiences yet, and now it's possible that I will always have to have this thing in the back of my mind..... How long does it take to get herpes results back?
anonymous - thank you for stopping by. First of all, I'd like to say, I'm sorry that you were raped. I personally, luckily, have not been through that, so for the time being, you just need to breathe.
Please don't turn this "sore" into something which it might not be. It could be something as simple as an ingrown hair, based on the things you've told me, it could be herpes as well, but just make sure that when you go to the doctor that they check you for any/all STD's (including herpes) and you might as well get an AIDS test too while you're at it or you will worry yourself sick until you know for sure.
Please do let me know what the doctor tells you. I'll be here if you need to vent, talk, ask questions.......whatever :-) If you find out it is herpes, it is NOT the end of the world. But let's see what the doc says first.
I've been reading these comments and replies for about an hour and first of all I want to thank you for being here for everyone, including myself. Here's my situation:
I met this woman a few years ago, we lost contact, and found each other again, not too long ago. Just a little background for ya. We'd been talking about dating then she went to the doctor and found out she has the virus.
I really care about her and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can ... I just think I'm doing a piss poor job of it. I'm not too good with words.
The way I see it, I care about HER, nothing else. The virus, like others' before me have said, doesnt make who you are.
I want to be with her, no matter what. I just dont know how to make her feel better about herself. It tears me apart knowing she's in pain and there's nothing I can do.
It blew my mind when she told me, not what she told me, but that she actually told me. I think that right there made me fall for her. The honesty and her trust in me.
So, since I've blabbed on forever, my question is what can I do to help her see what I see in her and that she's not "a person with a virus" ... she's just a person?
Thank you
-BMW
Good morning BMW: Thank you for posting your comments.
You said: I just dont know how to make her feel better about herself.
First of all, has she been reading about herpes and other people's stories, thoughts and opinions. Show her this blog because I'm sure, someplace in here, I discuss how I used to feel and how over time, I have learned to realize that Herpes is what it is, simply a virus. Has she ever been involved with local support or social groups? I personally have never been to a "support" group meeting, NEVER, but.....I have been to plenty of social gatherings and that is what helped me get through it, just knowing I wasn't a freak or alone. Have her read my 'supportive strangers' post (noted under my favorite posts) and maybe she'll start to understand. I'm a real person and I've been living with herpes for gosh, 20 years or almost 20 years (I quit counting) and She just has to learn that "She is not herpes". :-) Also, have her the say the word outloud a few times, that too makes it easier to accept. If you're able to actually stomach saying the word, let alone hearing yourself say it, it gets easier all the time. Might sound kind of strange, but seriously, it helps.
and lastly you said "It blew my mind when she told me, not what she told me, but that she actually told me. I think that right there made me fall for her. The honesty and her trust in me."
Does she realize how wonderful that made you feel? That she trusted you enough to confide in you? If you're not having open dialogue about herpes, then you should start (from a supportive angle of course). Communication about it and showing that you're OK with it is what will help her. I don't know if she is just avoiding the topic or what's going on or if you're trying to communicate. It's so very important in a relationship in general, to simply communicate. Honesty and openness are two of the greatest virtues and you've recognized that in her. Good for you. Now make sure if you haven't already told her "thank you" make sure she knows you're sincere about how happy you are that you've found such a gem in her. It takes ALOT of guts to admit you have herpes and to then deal with the possible rejection. Thank you for being open minded enough to realize it's simply a virus. Kudos to you BMW.
Let me know how things go.
i am sure Luanne can and will do a better job but this is coming to you from a guy who has it and been recently rejected by someone who proposed me for marraige and refused after finding it out.
You have a tough job in hand. The stigma associated with herpes never gets out of the mind and that makes matters worse. You will need a lot patience here and observe and do what makes her smile. I went through a personality change and that made matters worse for me, it took a year to realsie and now trying to get things back in order. But it will never be the same. It is not about you not being good with words, she wont understand. But she will surely see your patience and start getting back in order. Also make sure you do not disucss the virus or her situation unless she wants to.
People like you with a larger perspective to life do bring in hope for us and i am sure she will be proud of you.
A clear observation is that the west is more knowledgeable abt herpes and there is some indirect support system. here is the east i feel very lonely
This is BMW, once again. Thank you for replying and answering my questions.
I showed her this site last night, after I posted my comment. Since we found out (which was only a few days ago) we both have been reading as much as we can about herpes. So we can learn as much as we can about it and so we can have a safer, same-sex relationship ... when she's ready.
I know things will be good between us, I just hope society pulls their head out of their bottom-ends pretty soon. For the sake of everyone with an 'abnormal problem.'
Kudos to you guys & gals. I'm just glad my eyes were open enough to see what a wonderful person I've got by my side. I never thought I'd find so much strength, honesty, passion, and trust in someone.
We've got a long road ahead of us. She's 20, I'm 23, but it'll be much easier together and with the support of, hopefully, our families. That's the next thing we've got to figure out. How to tell her parents.
Thank you again,
BMW
<3
BMW said: That's the next thing we've got to figure out. How to tell her parents.
first of all BMW, thanks for stopping back. Sounds like things are working out very well and you're facing this situation head on. As far as her parents are concerned, both of you will be very surprised how understanding they'll be. If you feel the need to tell so that you can basically feel as though you're continuing some sort of lifelong open communication thing with your parents, then by all means, tell them. Trust me, they'll be totally understanding, because afterall, it's just herpes and you're now an adult and I'm sure they realize you've been sexually active. And if you don't feel comfortable confiding in them, then don't. There's no harm in and no law that says you have to tell your parents. If your parents are the real judgemental types, then you might want to think about it, but if you've always been open and honest, then they'll understand. You're not going to die on them, you basically have a cold sore in your genital area. That seems to be easier for people to comprehend sometimes. Trust me, this truly is not the end of the world. I agree that society needs to get their heads out of their butts about this. Life is way too short to sweat the small stuff. Sure, we need to be honest, open and to avoid passing it on, but who is to predict what our lives will bring or who will come into our lives down the road. Live you life, love your life and most of all love living life :-)
to anonymous poster: Tuesday, February 19, 2008 9:26:00 AM
you said make sure you do not disucss the virus or her situation unless she wants to.
I have to tell you that I disagree with this bit of advice, because I believe that "not talking" about herpes, simply makes the stigma stronger. I encourage talking about it, having open discussions, bringing it up in general over a few beers and having educational conversations about the topic. I believe it's something which people do need to take seriously and it should not be ignored. Any one of us who have herpes, are NOT herpes. We simply live with a virus. We are still the same people we were before we got it. We have allowed ourselves our personalities to change and sometimes for the better. I too agree that my personality has changed, but not so much my personality, but the pride I take in who I am as a person and not so willing to lay with just anyone. Mind you, I got herpes when I was in my 20's, what I jokingly refer to as my "young and dumb" years and most 40 + year olds tend to agree with me lol
Don't let herpes define who you are!! You ARE NOT herpes!! That's what people need to tell themselves. Keep your head high, be proud of the fact that you're not going to let this become a road block in your life for you. Right now, my biggest road block in life is not herpes, but the fact that I need to shed some excess pounds, then I'll have to deal with the reality of herpes, but at this point, I've convinced and totally believe that I am SOO much more and have so much more to offer than just herpes. I'm a great person and am deserving of finding that right person too.
Chin up ya'll
Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot, Luanne.
We do have open talks about herpes, just to keep you updated. And you're right, the more you say it the easier it gets.
She's been talking to people on a site like this and it's helping. I can already see, in her body language/facial expressions that she's becoming more 'use to' it. Also, she's feeling better, which is such a relief for her, as well as myself.
It's so weird, to me, how something like this can bring two people so close together. But hey, why not? And you find out that it really is more common than people know. I've found that a few of my close friends are also in the same boat.
Lastly: she was wondering how to tell her parents and the way I see it is pretty much how you stated. It doesnt cause death, so really, why tell 'em? It's up to her who she tells; she has my support come hell or high water.
I know I tend to get a bit off subject, for that I apologize. I'm just so glad to have someone who understands, even if it's on a computer. :D
Thank you.
-BMW
Hi BMW - put it this way, I only recently confided in the rest of my family and I've been living with herpes for 20 years. The only reason I told them was because I had written a letter to Dr. Phil and if by some chance I had gotten called to be on a show, I wanted to prepare them lolol - crazy huh, but the other good thing about having an open line of communication with people, including family is, because you just never know who you might be helping disclose their secret. So many people live in shame over herpes or your basic denial. Not to toot my own horn, but make sure your girlfriend reads my other "favorite posts" which are listed in the sidebar of my blog.
Inspirational Herpes
How dare I!!
Herpes Telling
Dear Dr. Phil
Supportive Strangers
I think she'll find them enlightening and uplifting. Another thing I recommend which sounds a bit hokey is to literally say the word HERPES out loud over and over. Each time you hear it, it becomes easier to say. I can't stress how important it is to feel comfortable with just saying the word herpes in general. Heck, you could even do it yourself. Eventually, it just becomes another word :-)
Luanne,
One of my ex boyfriends has tested positive for simplex-1, but he has never had a cold sore. Now, two years later, I feel this tingly sensation on my lip and even though I've never had a cold sore and it feels like like zits I've had in the past, I'm worried that it might be the beginnings of a cold sore. I freaked out and got some Abreva, typical for me to react like that. If it develops into anything I plan on having it tested, but my main question for you concerns talking about simplex-1.
Say this thing turns out to be just a pimple (I'm aware that outbreaks can at times resemble pimples), should I reveal my ex's test status to a guy I like before I kiss him? It seems silly, since such a high percentage of the population has simplex-1, but it feels wrong not to. I want to be honest with my sometimes paranoid concerns, but I also don't want to alarm someone unnecessarily.
What do you think?
Let's see.......what do I think about that? Well, first of all, there are lots of differing opinions about that. Some people don't feel that it's a big deal, myself being one of them obviously, as I emphasize "JUST", however on the other hand, it's more of a moral issue, I think. Knowing now, what I know about herpes, both oral and genital, and knowing how contagious it is, I would have to say, if I knew for sure that I had tested positive, that I would feel compelled to at least mention it. I wouldn't make a big deal about it, in fact, I almost hate to say it this way, but I would probably tell about it in a joking matter. If nothing else, it could certainly bring the topic up and turn into a serious conversation which truly wouldn't be a bad thing at all. So yes, I would tell, but I wouldn't get all emotional about it, because after all, as you said, many people have it. Some people get downright hard on others for being wishy-washy or they start to get on their high horse about taking valtrex and all that *OH, you should see the face I'm makin* lol.... Seriously, I wish people would just lighten up about herpes. For those of us who do have it, we need to be honest and open, let others know their risks and move on. There are so many more worse things in life than living with herpes. Honesty is the most important lesson which many of us could learn and gain from this experience. Me personally, I would rather be with someone who had the balls/guts to tell me, rather than how it did happen to me, the cowardly way. And who's to say that the person you might decide to kiss, doesn't have HSV-1 on their mouth too? You'd be amazed at how common it truly is. Not a big deal, but should be discussed. :-) HTH
I am 19, male, and today after visiting the GUM clinic, it looks like I have caught herpes. I have never slept around, and have only slept with one girl. I was tested a while back and everything came up clear. The doctor said today that the ulcers were very dry, don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but she still suspected herpes. I will find out in a week or two she said, but I am already feel like this is the end of my life. There is no way I will have the confidence to pull another girl, I wouldn't be able to tell anyone I have this, virus/disease and cannot even kiss my family as I am scared I will give them whatever I have got.
to the 19 year old male......
First of all....having herpes is NOT the end of the world, nor is it the end of your sex life. You'll just find that this could afterall, be sort of a blessing in disguise in this day and age of things which are worse than herpes. You will discover that you will first need to feel comfortable with this yourself first. What I always tell people is to say the word HERPES out loud to yourself, 3,4 even 5 times. The more you say it to yourself, the easier it is to hear. Educate yourself on this virus and the sooner you realize that herpes is not you, the better off you will be. Do not let herpes run your life, you need to take the control back for yourself.
Good luck and keep me posted. Let me know what the doctor says. Trust me, if it is really herpes, you'll be just fine. Chin up bud!
oh and you mentioned something about not feeling as though you can kiss your family.... Is it genital herpes or oral herpes?
Trust me, don't let herpes restrict you from the simple pleasures. Just be responsible about and abstain when you think you're having an outbreak, be sure to tell if you believe you're going to be intimate with someone. Make sure that you put all your cards out on the table. If it's genital herpes, don't worry so much about the kissing part. In fact, if you've ever engaged in receiving oral sex, you could have gotten it then. Find out what "type" of herpes you have if you indeed have it.
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