Love Letters - Telling I have Herpes
Should I tell someone I have herpes?
"I met a boy......cute as can be" (we both like karaoke).
I met a guy one night (first day of fishing/trout season in Pennsylvania in 2004). He was so much fun. He made me smile, made me laugh. Great sense of humor. I truly enjoyed his company, his warmth, his passion, the twinkle in his eye. He was extremely down to earth, very matter of fact, his honesty, his motivation. There were so many things about this man and father which I could appreciate. I got nothing but good vibes in the short period of time I spent with him.
I wanted so much to open up to him and be the honest person who I know that I am, the worthy person, but I felt that he would not accept me for having genital herpes. Yes, I said genital herpes (see handbook for additional information). That he would judge me and "throw me away". I wasn't sure when to tell him. I wanted to tell him from the very beginning, it was always in the forefront of my mind, and I know that he sensed that I was keeping something from him and believe me when I say, I wanted to tell, I needed to tell.
It was killin' me, tearin' me up inside. Each time I touched your face, stroked your hair and looked into your eyes, each time you'd say "penny for your thoughts" (that was what was on my mind) the fact that I was scared to death to tell you, only out of fear of rejection, not afraid of myself and certainly not afraid of genital herpes, but that you would reject me and not even get to know the beautiful person which I am. I'm comfortable with having herpes myself and I know my body, but unfortunately, there are never any guarantees of non-transmittal either. I should have trusted in you and not been afraid to tell, but that's hindsight for ya.
I wanted to be close to you, hang out with you, kiss and hug and be kissed and hugged by you. I was serious too, when I said I'd want to help you with your work. I felt totally comfortable with you. Totally!! And I wanted to take it one step further, so badly, but I just couldn't live with myself if I did and hadn't confided in you. I would have been totally devastated of the 50/50 chance of rejection, so instead I refrained from showing you how I really felt and that I wanted to be with you, to give myself time to decide the perfect time to tell, but I was never given the opportunity to do that, sadly enough. We could be good for each other.
I wouldn't "go all the way" with you, because I had promised/vowed to myself, that I would not, until I told, but the right time just never came up. When is the right time?? I so much didn't want to be rejected by you, and I felt that it was very likely that he you might reject me. 50/50 chance huh :-) Who knows? Maybe I'll never know. Never know what your true intention was or even what you were looking for that night?
I met you in a bar, which in the past, never proved to be a good place to meet someone and you know how that goes. But who knows, anything is possible and sometimes you just have to take the chance. You knew my friends, so that was kind of like meeting "a friend of a friend" in a bar. So what's wrong with that :-) I felt safe and it felt so right being with you. I was totally comfortable. I believe that we could be great together, even if only as great friends and I would still want that opportunity if you're interested.
Notice how I haven't used the L word. ;-) That's because I want to be your friend, your buddy. Someone I could tell anything to, all of my deepest darkest secrets (not that I have any left, all of my baggage has now been aired). Someone to hang out with, to care about, to care about me, to help each other. A companion.
Sometimes I wonder why I haven't heard from you. Is it because I didn't "give it up" right away? Did you really think I was just "teasing" you? I wasn't teasing you and I did say that much. I wanted you as much as you wanted me, but I just morally couldn't and wouldn't! Is it because you could tell that I was keeping something from you? Was it because I have a bi-racial child? I can't imagine that would have been an issue as that would have been quite illogical to me.
Then there's always your past situation..... Maybe you're simply not ready. Possibly it's just too soon? Maybe you're still not over your past relationship. Maybe you wanted me just for sex. Maybe you're just being a great Dad and totally focused on that and if that's the case I totally understand and I respect you for that, but you could still call to say you were thinking about me if that's the case. Friendship is important to me as well as intimacy and it's hard to go back to non-intimacy once you've been as intimate with someone as we had been. I want it all, (notice I didn't say need) who doesn't :-) Total honesty is important to me as well, but I didn't want to spoil the moment, the intimacy. You made me feel very special, very loved and safe. I should have trusted to confide in you sooner, but I was concerned about possible rejection and I was enjoying our time together. I still want to do this face to face. I even said to myself, even if I see him again in the future, I will drag his butt outside and tell him. Right then and there! That way he''ll understand what I was dealing with and the difficulty of telling him and that my intention was to tell him sooner rather than much later. I'm hoping that you'll understand and appreciate my honesty and for letting you know how I feel and where I'm coming from. I still think about you daily and maybe I have no business doing that, but I wasn't done with you yet ;-) I miss you and the connection with you that I felt was there.
My friends and family (who either know that I have genital herpes or internet friends who I chat with and have it too) all of them have different thoughts on the "telling topic" and "when to tell". I felt that we had a connection and that I owe you that much, even if it doesn't go anyplace.
Some of them said......
"NO!! Don't tell him right away!! Don't sleep with him right away, wait 3 months before you become intimate. Give him a chance to get to know you. (Well, I didn't feel as though that would work because I figured we had gone too far already to pull back that drastically, I thought it would have been too difficult, because I was very attracted to you too. :-)
Others say........(which is how I prefer to handle it...)
Tell him right up front, if he's gonna accept you, he'll do it more from the beginning of the relationship, rather than waiting for 3 months, because he'll appreciate you for your honesty and if he's not wanting a relationship with you, then it wasn't meant to be anyway. I felt that you deserved my totally honesty right from the beginning. I felt as though you had been totally honest with me (or at least believe that of you) and that was the right thing for me to do for you as well as for myself.
So...... I was torn, do I tell now or wait, everyone had valid points on both sides. I had spoken to them, looking for advice and I also consider them friends, (most of whom have genital herpes and have been there, done that, walked a mile in my shoes).
They all had various ways that they choose to "tell" someone......
Some tell while riding in the car (I was gonna "kidnap" you one night and go for a drive, that was how I wanted to do it and finally tell you. That's all I could think about was when and how.)
Some tell it in the heat of the moment (umm, I don't think so!! What a way to spoil an intimate moment.)
Final (or end of letter); my top ten thoughts and comments
- First off.....Ahh.....I feel so much better :-) Now, I can just be myself again. whew!!! :-) You have no idea!! This is a good thing for me to tell. :-)
- I would still enjoy seeing and spending time with you. Take a chance? If not, I'll understand, but I still expect a hug if I see you around and I do hope to see you around.
- If I hear from you, I know that you'll make your intentions perfectly clear to me. I appreciate that about you and would certainly enjoy your company. *smile*
- We'll just lay whatever "rules" we have...... out on the table. No problem.
- I am extremely independent, having never been married and I don't NEED someone to "take care of me" but I do want someone in my life. I do not expect someone to take care of me financially and would be perfectly content with just haveing someone to be close to, be my friend, help me, do things with, to hug and hold and be intimate with and I don't just mean sexually.
- I'm being totally open and honest with you. It's my turn..to do the talking. Open book time. You certainly are a chatty one. *smile*
- Remember, I told you, I'd been accused of "having no spine" but I'm determined to prove them wrong.
- I believe we could be good together.
- Ya know, I was advised, not to tell, especially if I didn't hear from you again, but I still felt as though I owed you an explanation of that night, because I felt that we had a great connection and our friendship was deserving of total honesty, even if there was no future meant to be. I wished I could have relaxed and enjoyed each other totally because I felt a true bond with you, one which I believe could be something more and I wasn't ready to just leave it at "I'm not teasing you."
- I'm also including a snip it of what will someday be published on the WWW (my story), bits of it may be redundant, but it's all about how I feel and who I am. note: Someday I'll link to my story when it's complete.
date last saved/modified was: 06March, 2005 (orig. written approx: July or Aug of 2004)
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update: January 21, 2006 (date I'm entering this into my blog)
Well, I never did present this fella with this letter above and so much has happened since my writing of this. It's sort of funny now how things have progressed, where our friendship has gone and it's so cool. It's almost laughable. The bottom line is, we still are friends, we do keep in touch and I don't regret anything which has transpired between he and I. Since my initial feelings were typed in the above letter, we have had the talk. It's funny because as time went on, he kept bringing up the conversation of herpes in one way or another. He'd make comments like "you know that they have a cure for herpes" and I was like, hmmm, I wonder why he's saying this? Did he find out via the web that I have herpes or was this just a coincidence? Then a bit later in our friendship, we're taking a road trip and again, he brings up "Did you hear about all those fish that died in Chautauqua Lake from the herpes virus". OK, I'm thinking to myself, he must know!! So we chat about it, but I still hadn't confessed. Man, this is harder than I thought lolol. So as time goes on, he finally admits to me that he has oral herpes. OMG, if that wasn't the BIGGEST shock to me and such a friggin' relief to hear. Naturally, I then finally admitted something which had been eating away at me now for over a year. Mind you, we hadn't spent a whole lot of time around each other, but geez, all that worrying for nothing!! lol Needless to say, I think that everything happens for a reason and I value his friendship even more now because if nothing else, we have this ridiculous social stigma in common. Sure, mine might be genital herpes, but hey, in my world, herpes is herpes lolol I am going to email him this link and hopefully he'll get a good chuckle out of all my drama lolol *hugs to ya* You got my number(s) lolol
p.s. - I still think he's a great guy and glad he's my friend, which I firmly believe is very important.
still chuckling over this -----> C.P.A. lololol <-----ok, that's a private joke folks. Remember, I sent it to him too.
Labels: Herpes Journey, Herpes Telling
posted by Luanne @ 1:24 PM
30 Comments:
I have a situation with an ex-girl friend. We broke up under false terms and both had hurt feelings an unable to compromise. She had herpes and was very attractive and some what stuck on her self. Seems at times she thought she was Better than others, although in my mind I felt she should be less judgemental of others because of her std. She made an ugly comment one night about a not so attractive girl I dated and she had never made any problems between the two of us, but worked as a bartender in a local club we visited frequently. I really got upset with my herpes girl friend and made the remark she the first girl friend Did Not have Herpes! We since have had many ugly words toward one another and I told her secret to almost every person I knew? Simply for the reasons of her im better than most people personality. When she and I had sex for the first time, She did tell me up front of her herpes, but was not truthful in it's seriousness in being transferable. Seems since our break up, I have developed Herpes! My break out is in the exact spot she would break out? I know thats what it is, but I have so much anger towards her and also so much love. We really cared for one another and I never judged her as she did so many other people. I didnt care honestly that she had it, just that she would have been more responible. Now I look back at the whole relationship seems she had everyone to blame, but her self and the truth. I don't think she really knows how she got it. Wel, I know where mine came from, and im in a delima as to all the ugly things that were said in the begining, the anger but also the love I still have? I said something to her once in an ugly conversation that she gave it to me, but hung up and does not really seem to care? Almost seems as if her herpes are better than or different than anyone elses? Yours are nasty, but hers are excusable.... Can some one put me to peace of mind?
Hi there. I'm sorry I hadn't responded earlier. I'm sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. I'm afraid that this day and age, we all need to take more responsibility in regard to our sexual health and unfortunately, all of us believe that "it won't happen to me". I know that I was in denial for about the 1st 10 years of having herpes and I honestly didn't know anything about asymptomatic shedding. I personally still wonder if that's even real, because I sometimes wonder if it's not just an excuse which some people use when they might be having symptoms, but choose to ignore them (sounds to me like something your girlfriend might have done???). I don't want to preach morals on you, and I understand why you "ratted her out" to everyone you mutually know, but do you feel any better for having done that? Do they now know that you have herpes too? The best thing you can do for yourself now is get some education on it and move forward. Learn to like yourself for the new person that you are. A person who simply got an STD from someone you cared about. It's truly not the end of the world. The 1st outbreak is usually the most painful. May I ask, how old are you? You sound like you might be in your late teens, early 20's? Sounds to me like your girlfriend needs to get a harsh dose of reality from someone, sounds like she is in denial, even though she did mention it to you. That was good of her and it does say something about her as a person, a good thing, that she wanted to be honest with you. Telling someone, as you will find out, that you have herpes is not the easiest thing in the world to do, but it is the morally right thing to do. Know what I mean? Have you been to the doctor to be officially tested? What I tell lots of people is that not everything is a herpes outbreak. The only true way to know for sure is to be tested. What I also tell people is, it could be worse, we could have gotten AIDS. What we should do, and I know it's easier said than done, is to always go with your prospective partner, prior to having sexual relations (including rubbing bodies only or oral sex) is to be tested for all STD's. Wouldn't you want to know? Hindsight is 20-20 isn't it. It sucks, but it is what it is. Right now, you feel hurt and betrayed, which are two very common emotions when you contract herpes. Do me a favor OK. Say herpes outloud (in the privacy of your own room even), but say it outloud to yourself. It'll be good therapy oddly enough :-) Please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. If you prefer to email me privately: ms_turtlepoint@yahoo.com
Take care and keep your chin up. Might be worth just talking to her about this honestly and openly.
Luanne
Hi Lovergirl.
Welcome to my blog. I hope that you found some encouragement from some of the things I've written. You are NOT alone, so please know that you are in good company.
How long have you had herpes? It sounds like you're saying that you've had it for awhile, but have never had to deal with telling a new mate in a very long time?
What you will find out is that your honesty, if the next guy is truly "mr right" will win out over the fact that you have the virus, because if he is truly Mr. Right, then he will love you for who you are and not by the extremely common virus which you have. Remember that you are NOT always contagious, however you could be contagious and not know it. That is what sucks about this virus. I can deal with the outbreaks and telling, but the part which is most frustating is the not knowing for sure if they might get it from me or not. Telling them though, all of the risks is what you do need to do, because that way, they have a chance to decide if your relationship is worth the risk.
Now, your real question was, is it OK to be intimate without being intimate and I say, absolutely and if all they are looking for is to have sexual contact (including oral), then maybe you should reconsider whether or not they are worthy of being with you. Don't sell yourself short :-) There is a huge difference between intimacy and sexual intimacy. Depending on which kind of herpes (I'm assuming genital) will determine when you should tell and what you can and can not do. Some people would disagree with me, but if you're sure you don't have oral herpes, then by all means, kissing is A-OK. Herpes is transmitted by skin to skin contact, so you could technically even snuggle at night w/out transferring the virus. Pretty much the virus only is contagious in the area where you normally have outbreaks or in that vicinity anyway. I think people give herpes entirely too much power in their lives. What many people recommend is that in the beginning, before you become sexually active to make a date for the both of you to go and get tested for ALL STD's. The other person could have herpes and not even know they are a carrier and that sure would make things a whole lot easier or better yet, you might tell them and find out that they have it too (which is what happened to me in this story).
It's certainly ok to take your time in any relationship. It doesn't have to be because you have herpes. Get to know that person first. I always say that the 1st 3 months of ANY relationship can be a telling time as to whether you even want any kind of "permanent" intimacy with that person.
Your sex life is NOT over. And if you want children, you can still do that too. Not a problem. Try saying the word out loud to yourself and you'll become more comfortable with just the word herpes. The way I see it is, it was God's way of telling me to be more choosy with whom I get involved with in life. Regret and anger do nothing good for you, so try and let that go. This truly is NOT the end of the world.
You'll be OK and feel free to stop back and talk to me if you need to. I plan on having this blog around for a very long time.
Good luck and keep me posted.
Luanne
I recently ended a toxic relationship of 4 years with the first guy I ever told I had herpes after I was diagnosed in March 2002. We met October 2002 and really hit it off. I was honest with him about my infection upfront and although he was stunned he excepted it and we since then have had 2 children. To make along story short I stayed with him through an abusive relationship because of my fear of rejection. It's been a year and I've since met someone else who I am very interested in starting a future with but i don't know how to tell him about my infection because it is still something I'm very uncomfortable with. I've considered going back to my ex just because I do still have feeling for him and he has already excepted my condition, and the fact that we have children together but the relationship has been so stressful till in my mind and heart i know it's the wrong thing to do. But how do I tell the new guy about my infection? What if he does reject me? How do I fing the courage to go on?
it is still something I'm very uncomfortable with. I've considered going back to my ex just because I do still have feeling for him and he has already excepted my condition, and the fact that we have children together but the relationship has been so stressful till in my mind and heart i know it's the wrong thing to do. But how do I tell the new guy about my infection? What if he does reject me? How do I find the courage to go on?
First of all, you really need to come to terms with having herpes and to realize that herpes does not define who you are as a person. Have you ever told anyone other than your ex? Friends? Family? Try saying the word to yourself outloud a few times. Sounds a bit corny, but do it because it helps to simply hear the word sometimes.
Secondly, as Dr. Phil would say, "Children would rather be FROM a broken home, than LIVING in one" They should be your number one priority. Abusive relationships are not healthy for them or you. I was in one as well and he was accepting of me, and I felt that I needed to stay with him because he accepted me, but the abuse was NOT worth it to me. You can and will find love again, but get comfortable with yourself in your situation first. Just google: "true stories about living with herpes" and you'll find inspiration from those.
The new guy: you just have to be honest and tell him. Don't be afraid or cry, because this is not the end of the world living with this virus. Who knows, maybe he has it too. If he's any kind of man who really cares about you too, then he will be accepting of you. If he doesn't, then maybe it wasn't meant to be afterall. There are many different ways which people approach "telling". For me, I wait and get to know them first because I might discover they aren't someone I really want to be involved with on an intimate level anyway.
I don't know why I have not told my recent guy. Although it has always been a diffiuclt thing to tell, always have before any sex and never have been rejected because of it. I have even discovered the other person has it- twice!! So, what is with me now. I have been intimate with him, it has been almost 3 months since we started dating. I knew him for 7 months before we started dating. In his bathroom there is a bottle of Lysine. That gives me hope, is it oral is it genital...but I decided he has some kind of herpes, so why not tell. Now it has become ridiculous, and last night I swore to myself to tell... I didn't. What am I waiting for, for him to contract it from me. I would never forgive myself. By the way does anyone know if you have either oral or genital herpes, does it give your immune system a boost so your chances are less to contract the virus, and what is the chances of contracting both. I don't know anyone with both, but I imagine it can happen. I would just think that if I have immunity for type 2 it could lessen my chances for type 1. Anybody...
hi i don't have a comment more of a question i found out i had genital herpes two weeks ago but i don't ever have outbreaks and i don't use any medication, i made a promise to myself to not ever have sex until i'm married and thats a challenge that i'm willing to do to stay safe and keep others safe. i was wondering about kids because i do want kids someday but i'm afraid that i will pass the herpes over to them through blood, is that possible can kids catch herpes at birth? and second question i haven't seen any severe outbreaks or anything will it eventually come or is it a possibility that the doctors were wrong?(i hope)
i was wondering about kids because i do want kids someday but i'm afraid that i will pass the herpes over to them through blood, is that possible can kids catch herpes at birth?
First of all, herpes is NOT a blood borne virus. It is transmitted through skin to skin contact. Yes, herpes can be transmitted if you are having an outbreak or shedding at the time of delivery. It does happen and as long as your doctor is aware then he can possibly recommend daily suppression as you get closer to delivery. Many women opt to simply have a ceserean(sp?), however I am one of those women who did delivery vaginally and never passed the virus onto my child. Many, many people who have herpes do have normal births. It's something you should discuss with your doctor for sure. It's called neonatal herpes.
and second question i haven't seen any severe outbreaks or anything will it eventually come or is it a possibility that the doctors were wrong?(i hope)
How were you diagnosed? What kind of test was done? Did the dr. discuss your resuls with you? It is possible to have been misdiagnosed, but depending upon how you were diagnosed will give you a more definitive answer to your question. Hope that helps.
I have read all of these and I'm also in the same situation. I was raped 3.5yrs ago, but I never reported it to anyone but the doctor and the rape hot line. I went to counseling for a year and a half until I moved because I was angry,afraid and when I found out I had herpes became depressed. At the time I was also in a relationship. He said he was okay with it until I moved to his home state to be with him and we continued to try to make our relationship work for 2yrs. But after a year he became distant and stopped having sex with me. I guess I started feeling dirty because of the rape and the herpes. We finally ended it 8mo's month ago. But about a month ago I met someone and we have been dating he is a very nice mand and who I've only kissed once but I am fighting with myself on when to tell him. I guess I don't know which one is the hardest to tell...the rape or the herpes and the thought of rejection. I know I have to tell him, but my fear is his reaction. Should I have told him before the kiss or should I tell him now today or wait for a few more dates? He wants to take me on a trip for Valentines Day and I don't want to have to tell him on that trip. So confused and scared.
I am very much in the same situation also , i met this great guy probably the greatest guy i've ever met i found out in aug o8 i have genital herpes so i recently met him in jan 09 & i've told him imy last relationship was a huge mistake that my ex cheated on me with a few girs & that i was with him for about a year but everytime i want to just come out and tell him i chicken out i mean he is a nurse so he probably knows alot about it & he is going to school to be a doctor so that might either mean he is very protective of his health or he probably would understand & give it a chance he goes to the gym on the regular eats healthy dont smoke or drink & tells me im beautiful, exotic & unique & also he told me his brother has aids so i almost told him but didnt want to ruin the moment , i really like him & he has mentioned he thinks about kissing my entire body & making love to me but understands if i am not ready yet, I so badly want to make love to him but i cant because i care for him & his health, i am very afraid he will become distant from me either way like if i just tell him he will become distant & if i dont we will never make love & yet again will become distant , i think since he has delt with his brothers tragedy that this may be a small thing but then again he said he couldnt imagine having a virus cuz no1 would want to be with him & i used an example like if someone told me they had a virus i would respect them for telling me and give them a chance but just be safe which is true, wewent on our first date feb 2 09 & we are going on our 4th date on valentines day , i was thinking since i've read probably hundreds of telling stories i will wait untill after valentines day to tell, but then again his b-day is the end of this month & dont want to put too much pressure on him or stress him out, but i know i have to tell him but when i do very soon i will not make it seem like its the worst thing in the world & will understand if he wants to back off a bit, i have never told anyone yet not even my bestfriend just my mom & sister & i think my mom told a few pple just from te way they look at me i dont mind too much about telling him the part that worries me is will he tell his friends & family? like, i dont want him to think im dirty or a ho i got played by someone i trusted & loved with all of my heart, so my heart has already been through the worst so it would not hurt me too much if he rejects me, regardless of this comm virus, i know in my heart & soul that god loves me & is teaching me a lesson & he will bless me with plenty of love & a good man, I still believe i am a queen & deserve great things i am not a bad person i just made a terrible mistake that i have to live with for the rest of my life & even if that means being alone atleast i can say i tried to tell the truth , If he does reject me i cannot blame him , i just know that judgement day is near & life is short so i will love everyone , herpes, aids , short,tall, cranky or sweet, even my enemies including the one who changed my life forever , i forgive him even tho he knew what he was risking, i know how much i meant to him, nothing, but i am so much more than this , these scars are their to remind me of the broken road i've been down & how strong i have to be , I can say through everything ive been thru , i love myself even more now than ever becuase it could hve been aids which i thought it was but wasnt thank god, but some are not so lucky, when i thought i had aids I prayed so much told god i would take herpes over the aids virus, thinkin back to that moment , god works in mysterious ways & guess what , test results came back negative but a year later i had a lesion on my cervix which turned out to be....herpes.....never had an outbreak until then mustve been stress that triggered it.....the main point of me writing this is because of me being scared to tell him i have too but i do not want my business all in the street because all of us know this is among one of the most embarassing things to admit let alone people who know & you dont know they know...i know a few pple who have it & they dont know that i know, well godluck with evryone telling thanx 4 listening.
What I am concerned about it this: I know the medications reduce infections but what happens when I want to have kids, what happens when I want to get married? Am I supposed to have sex with my husband with a condom all the time. I can't find anything to give me a concrete % of what the reduction rate is on the medications. I don't want to pass this on to anyone. Have a had sex without a condomn after infections yes. but it wasn't often enough for me to say I was comfortable enough. I'll discuss this with my physician of course but any answers you might have in the interim would be helpful.
I was diagnosed about 4 months ago.. and was very nervous about telling my new boyfriend. I had some practice when I had to disclose my diagnosis to the two guys I dated before and they both took it VERY well and were supportive. Both of the exes got tested - one was positive, one was not. And both are still friends.
So my first dating relationship after diagnosis.. was very nervous about telling him.. but discovered that walking /hiking outside is a great way to tell.. you aren't just sitting and staring at each other - feeling compelled to speak at every turn. And you can keep on walking until it seems like a natural time to end the conversation.
So when I told him, he pulled me into his arms, and gave me a huge hug and murmured into my ear: "It's OK ! My ex had herpes, my sister has it and I know some friends with it to... it's OK !" What a great moment ! We have since stopped dating - but I'm gearing up to tell my new guy.. and hoping he'll be just as wonderful and supportive about it!
Also gave them the link to www.westeroverheights.com - which is a medical site with great video and lots of educational material
I was diagnosed recently on my 21st birthday no less. And it was excruciating to tell my best friend a guy I have been having sex with for over 4 years on & off. He basically had to beat it out of me and then he disappeared from my life. I only confided in a few people because i wanted to protect myself & him (that relationship was in secret but there were speculations). The whole time he was not talking to me it made things worst and of my friends got really angry at the fact the I was worried about him then myself and i had to stress the fact that I am in love with him (he's unaware).
With me being deep in the bowels of my depression after diagnosis I quickly sub came to outbreaks and let me just say knowing you have genital herpes feels alot different then when you know and experiencing an outbreak.
a month later he started talking to me again and although we couldn't talk about "it" as he referred it (made him uncomfortable). our friendship was pretty much the same (i was grateful for that)
its now been a couple of months now I still cant get over the fact that I cant get over it. it has been a big emotional battle for me and it still is. Finding this website made me realize that i wont get over it in a couple of months (it been 6 months) as for my best friend he's getting more comfortable talking about it with time. Sometimes I feel like I should've known about the herpes, Im shamed that such a thing has happened and I do admit that I believe that it is all my fault (i know thats a lot of pressure on myself) recently he has been asking questions about the virus and I got scared and he said he was ok and then said "I check myself everyday" then he said "he'll always be scared" it really hurt me to hear that because of how i feel about him.
I know that we will eternally be friends, Ive already knew that with our history. just cant seem to stay away from each other. He worries about me, as I worry about myself (my mind is not what it used to be)
Im getting long winded, sorry. its much better to talk to a complete stranger. I cant wait for the day that it becomes just a virus to me too, maybe then I will love myself more like Im supposed to but right now my heart is filled with emotions that dont belong
thanks for reading
-LDBZ
I am 21 and have been living with genital herpes for almost 3 years now...(wow that is hard to admit). I contracted it orally from only the 2nd guy I ever dated or slept with. He told me afterward that he didn't know "cold sores" were herpes. I have never felt so devistated in my life... at the time it was hard but my boyfriend was very supportive which made it easier for me. Since he had given it to me while we were dating it wasn't a big deal and didn't get in the way of our sex life since neither of us had to worry about contracting it anymore. But long story short we fell out of love after about 2 years (broke up in May 09) and it has been a long road since then. I am a senior in college and single, shouldn't this be fun? It doesnt seem like it when you have herpes. I still havent been able to come to accept that i have herpes to the point where I am comfortable with it. Which makes me nervous to ever think about telling anyone... It's been a year and half since i broke up with my boyfriend and have never told any other guy that I have herpes. I met someone recently and we really hit it off... but on a college campus everything is backwards. All my friends relationships started with sex first then the dating it seems like (which clearly is not an option for me). My friends who I have told and other supports are always saying when you find the right guy who you want to spend the rest of your life with he wont care... but I am 21 NOT ready for marriage. And the "hook up" culture that exists is soooo hard to avoid. Guys just seem to want one thing from you initially.. and even if they eventually want something more it always seems to start off with sex. I guess my question is how do you move on from the painful stigma, the jokes people tell, the statements from friends like "stay away from that guy he probably has STDS".. its so painful to hear things like this from other people and doesnt give me hope that a guy I tell will be accepting. It seems to me that when I am older and looking for marriage maybe someone will be more likely to accept me but what about now? How do you tell a guy in his early 20s to "take the risk"? Because, as other friends have admitted to me, they probably wouldnt risk it.. The worst part is how much herpes is blown out of proportion.. After dealing with it for 3 years Im not even sure I could tell you what a lesion looks like because its been so long since an outbreak...why is this "sill skin disease" have to feel like it's ruining my life..??? I just want to be a "normal" 21 year old and have fun and date and fall in love without having to worry about being rejected cause of somehting so small..HELP!
LDBZ from Monday, October 25, 2010 4:02:00 AM
hang in there there girl. Someday you will come to terms with it and accept Herpes for what it is. Turn your emotions and energy into helping others cope, even if it's just online support.
to anonymous from Saturday, December 18, 2010 3:31:00 AM
I totally understand your frustration. Don't feel like one night stands are all they are cracked up to be. Don't let the college guys make you feel like you have to put out. They'll respect you more in the end anyway. Many times when folks say things like "they might have STD's", did you ever think that maybe that is there way of trying to open up the topic. You can always break the ice by talking about "a friend of yours" who is struggling with having herpes and then you can find out how that person feels about the topic in general. You don't always have to take the approach of owning herpes, especially if you're just having a conversation. Sometimes, just talking about it opens up the door to actually admitting to it. Say the word outloud to yourself several times before you try to open up a conversation. Educate yourself more and more. Hang in there :-)
Why is all the advice and experience I read about telling someone you have herpes always from the woman's view? Are they any advice blogs or experiences online for guys with herpes?
Sea of Green - in the past, I have found postings where guys are talking about their life living with herpes, but you're right, I believe the majority are women. I guess women are more willing to express themselves in writing than men???
I am so glad to read all these stories of people, esp. women, who know how i am feeling! All these up and down emotions! When I found out about my H in October, i don't know, i wasn't devistated, i wasn't suprised, i wasn't even angry. I had no one to blame, but myself! I'm a single mom and i decided that focusing on my kids was more important anyways. More important than finding "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Rightnow"! Then, as it happens, a guy asks for my phone number!Long stroy short, i told him after about a week and a half & he seemed understanding about it. it felt good! but about 2 weeks later we broke up, he says for other reasons, but i know having H didn't help. Now i am trying dating sites specifically for people in my situation, but i'm not finding many to choose from & no one wants to put their pictures up! Luckily, i do have my children to focus on and bring happiness to my life, but i do want to find that special person to give love to and who will give love to me! ~ Tara
Hang in there Tara. Sounds like the last guy you met was not a planned meeting. And don't take it personal when they stop seeing you, even if it is for herpes and they try to spare your feelings. I've been in a relationship for the past year and I'm ready to break it off w/him and it's not because of my herpes. Some relationships just aren't meant to be, so consider yourself lucky that you didn't vest alot of time in this relationship that wasn't meant to be anyway :-) We are who we are and worthy of being loved, but we also shouldn't settle.
Luanne
I am a 42 SWF...I recently found out I have genital HSV(1)...I am lost devastated, depressed, I feel like no one will ever want to date me again, etc...I cannot even imagine for one second that if I tell someone I am dating, that they will ever even want to bother with me again. After reading many of the comments I realize that some of the feelings I am having are natural in the beginning, but I have no idea how to cope,... what to do....do I have to tell my most recent past partners, do I have to tell every single person I meet....I bascially never want to discuss this with anyone.. ever....I am assuming I have had this for a very long time and it went unrecognized, undiagnoised, etc...just learning how to cope...any informaiton is appreciated.
to anonymous from Sunday, March 27, 2011 1:10:00 AM
First of all, hang in there. It does take time to wrap your head and feelings around this diagnosis, but the way I see it, it is what is is and there's not a whole lot we can do about it, but to accept and deal with it. That's probably the hardest pill to swallow for sure.....
so, in regard to your questions about pass relationships and telling "every" one.....
No, you only NEED to tell someone if you are about to enter into a sexual relationship. 1. it will show your honesty and concern for another human being. You were most likely not told by your gifter. 2. some people feel the need to contact all of their past relationships and let them know, however I don't find it necessary. It's a mute point now.
Learn to "discuss" having herpes w/yourself first. I tell everyone, say the word herpes outloud to yourself over and over, eventually it will be easier for you to hear the word and then to verbalize it. It's definitely a process. Test it out on someone who you won't be having sex with, friends, parents, etc. It's good to find out their reaction to it as well.
Good luck to you and you'll be just fine.
I was diagnosed with herpes in 2004 and I haven't been in a relationship for six years. Recently, a high-school classmate contacted me and reveals he had a crush on me. Come to find out I had a crush on him, too!! I have decided to fly and visit him. I don't know whether I should tell him on this trip (reunion) that I have herpes or wait for another time or trip??
-Tired of Being Single
so, i have a friend that is interested in me and I really like him too except, i cant bring myself to tell him that I have herpes. My biggest fear is not that he will reject me but that he might tell someone else that we both know. I think I could trust him but its always in the back of my head! Any advice??
to anon from Sunday, May 29, 2011 4:06:00 AM
first of all, I'd like to apologize for not responding sooner.
tell him when you're comfortable telling him. You only "have" to tell if you're going to have sex with him. You've waited this long so what's the hurry. Get to know each other first. You may find you're no longer crushing on each other as much as you did when you were younger. Good luck to you.
to anon Thursday, July 14, 2011 12:06:00 AM
sounds like you might live in a very small town or have a lot of mutual friends. I believe that he might tell if you didn't tell him up front. When you tell up front, then he has the chance to make the decision for himself. Give him a chance and trust that he'll be good to you. Good luck
I'm a 23 year old female, and recently life changes (both planned and thrown at me) seem to be flyig at me from every possible angle. I've been dating this guys long-distance for two years now. He's truly my best friend, the sweetest, most genuine, loving person I've ever met (when he wants to be). I recently, just shy of three weeks ago, moved cross country so we could have a real shot at building our life together. I left everything behind, but knew it was worth it. 9 or 10 days after my move, he starts to get these blister-like bumps on his penis, and complains of pain while urinating. He makes an appointment at planned parenthood the very next day to go get checked out, and without any test results the clinician MISdiagnoses him with chlamydia. I got tested for what I thought was everything before I came out here, little did I know, unless you're experiencing symptoms, herpes isn't included in that everything. Who would've thunk it. So, about 5 days later, he gets his negative results from pp, and immediately makes an appointment at a private practice, where the doctor, without a doubt, tells him it's herpes. I went and got lab work done the very next day, this time specifically requesting a HSV2 test, and got the phone call 3 days later (yesterday) that, "everything came back normal....BUT the HSV2 test." So, I guess that's my diagnosis. I have herpes, and he won't speak to me, or see me. I understand his anger, his frustration, his resentment toward me, I really do, because I'm feeling all that toward myself as well. Maybe I'm being a little selfish here, but I've never felt so alone in my life. My family has been great, supportive, but, from 3000 miles away, there's only so much support they can give. I have no friends here, I left them all behind for him, for us, because I knew that as long as I had him I would be fine. So, I now am recently(and unwillingly) single, across the world from my friends and family, and diagnosed with herpes. The only thing I can do is move forward, right? It sounds so simple...
-B
to anon from: Saturday, September 03, 2011 1:40:00 PM
You're right, unfortunately, herpes is not a test which is run as a standard STD test. It's non-life threatening (for the most part, very very few instances) so it's not considered to be part of the standard testing....You have to ask for that testing.
Doesn't hurt to call Dr's office back to get a specific answer. Don't assume that you have it, ask the question and get a definitive answer. That way you'll know for sure. Don't torture yourself on an assumption :-)
I'm sorry you went through all of these changes for him, but honestly, based on your description of him and his symptoms, sounds like he has herpes also, but from the sounds of it, he's not willing to hear the truth or get tested again. If he's going to hold his herpes against you as his reason for anger. Boot him to the curb. He's not worth it. It's not your fault. Smile and move forward. Be the stronger person :-)
I told my "friend" I met couple weeks ago. I know I got it from him... (I just know) as soon as I left 2 days later I started to get the bumps. Doctor confirmed it. I've accepted it, moved on with my life, started working out, eating better, and just enjoying what so many of us take for granted. So, after telling him this he begins to act very distant. He still says "I'm not going Anywhere, I'm always here for you" but he's not the same anymore. Our conversations were so deep, and interesting. Now? It's how was ur day? His texts seldome come and the conversations are just "weak" once, I asked him is what we have exclusive meaning 1 sexual partner...he said " I care a lot about you and I'm not going anywhere" after that I had to take a step back because I know now this man doesn't get it. I guess I'm kinda hurt well I was that's got it from him and he's the one that starts acting funny? He hasn't told me if he been to the doctor and I guess I really dont care anymore because I don't plan on seeing him again. My friends says he knew he had it as to why he. Hasn't been yet. Herpes is just that...I'm not going to let it divine who I am. If this guy wants to act funny now then so be it. Life goes on. I hope he doesn't spread it to someone, the next women may not take it like I have. I really liked him too before this....I'm glad I found this out now.
to anonymous from Tuesday, July 24, 2012 12:26:00 AM
I think he's acting this way because he "knows" and is now feeling guilty for having given you herpes. You'd probably respond the same way had you passed it on. Sounds like he's embarrassed. You just need to make him talk about it and get it off of his chest. Especially if he indeed is the one you contracted the virus from. If that's the case, then he needs to just let it go and live his life. Shit happens!! :-) and what is done is done.
Communication is crucial to ANY relationship, herpes or no herpes and you're right, if he can't talk about it, then I would definitely reconsider hanging in there with him. He needs to get over it, fess up and live his life. :-)
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