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Thursday, August 30, 2012

I fucked up!! I didn't tell.

Yep, me, the one who has been living with herpes for 25 + years, had sex with someone and didn't tell and believe you me, I KNOW BETTER, but I also know that I am human.  I'm sorry, I'm ashamed and at the moment, was being very selfish.  OK, so I've bashed myself enough.  Now my fingers are crossed.  Hoping that he doesn't call me and say "what is this shit"?  One of our biggest fears when we make this mistake of not telling prior to sex!!  OK, so you're saying, is all of this swearing necessary?  Umm, well, no, not really, but it's truly what I'm thinking as I type so to me, it's all good.  :-)   Again, I'm human.  Should I go to confession for my sins?  I think not, because what's done is done and it is what it is.   Herpes sucks!!  Yep, it sure does.  I'm sure if I hear from him again, I will then tell him, hoping he doesn't get really pissed or abusive.  Trust me, if I deem it worthy of a post, you'll hear about it.

Things happen.  I won't die and he won't die, but I do pride myself on striving for totally honesty and communication.

Damn Corona's anyway!!  :(


I don't post much

but how much does living with herpes change.  I'm here for you and even though I might not post on a regular basis, I do read your comments and try to respond at least on a monthly basis at a minimum.  There are a lot of people who are newly diagnosed and I've been living with herpes since 1987.  Hmmm, let's see, that would be holy crap, 25 years!!  Dang, where has time gone to?  In some instances, I have told and in others I have not.  I'm human, just like you or your child or friend or whoever you are concerned about.  Mostly, it's those of us who are actually suffering with the stigma.  That's the hard part, but it's not the end of the world.  All I can say is "shit happens" and if we had the option of a "do-over" we would all choose "do-over" please  :-)   The majority of us won't die from it and there are rare instances of neonatal herpes which is a bit more life threatening.  Please don't let that scare you though because doctors always check for that when you do your preliminary checking during your pregnancy.  OB's deal with this all the time and will discuss your options with you.

Just know that I am here and reading what you have to say.

Monday, April 09, 2012

HX's Thoughts on Living with Herpes

I struggled to say it, to accept it. In the end it came out in words as my journey of acceptance began. Herein this safe environment I would care to share it, I have no idea whether it will help anyone, a part of me wishes it does!

I have a disease
I did not ask for it
I would never wish it on anyone
I believe I have come to terms
I have been accepted for me
I must never forget it,
I have moved on, I am living, I am human
I have the rights anyone does.
I can love, be loved.
I deserve it.
I will never judge, I should be grateful not spiteful, my disease is a burden on me, no one else. I carry it-but I will not let it shape me.
Grateful for my perspective, pure for my acceptance
Unlike how many others?
Judgement is a disease far more hurtful than anything I should bare.

In what ever way you start to accept yourself it is definitely worthwhile!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Do you feel like getting herpes was a 'blessing in disguise'?

A question posed on a support group was:

Do you feel like getting herpes was a 'blessing in disguise'?

Do you feel as though having herpes has forced you to be more selective and to "slow down' when it comes to moving forward in a relationship?

My response to my own question was: "I know it has for me and yes, in a weird twisted sort of way, I'm kind of glad I have herpes because it does make me more selective in who I choose to be involved with. I believe that if all they want is 'a roll in the hay', then they aren't worth it. I've often referred and heard people refer to having herpes as a "jerk or bitch filter" :-)

Here are some of the responses I received from others who have either been recently diagnosed or finally coming to terms with living with herpes due to their current life situation:

John said: Not all of us who have Herpes got it because all we wanted was a roll in the hay! I dated the women who gave myself Herpes for several weeks prior to becoming intimate, we discussed STD'S she said she had none. She took a test for HIV at my request and I did the same. Sometime later she revealed her Herpes to myself (we were still together when she did that). She felt guilty for not telling me about it, but was too late I already caught it from her. One can be selective, educational background etc. means nothing as far as STD'S are concerned and does not pre-determine who will be honest about it and who wont be. I see no blessing with this, being careful has no defense against one who lies about it. I have been alone for 6 years now and expect that will be the case the rest of my life. Is that a blessing? I think not!

Bill said: Some people may have done it to themselves with multiple partners etc. That has never been how I have approached women or sex, still I'm here in this mess. Yes we did use condoms, some I was allergic to, others would break at times. For myself there is no good time to tell a woman I have Herpes, presentation seems to not matter either, they have all passed judgement against myself based on their own ignorance and prejudices and pre-conceived notions. Maybe I should call that the 'bitch filter' For myself, I'm tired of explaining the H thing! If there are good women out there, they are in hiding.

Fred said: My story is close to yours, except he didn't feel guilty about not telling me......and the ending. This will help weed out the women "bitch filter". Some will run, but not all. I know this, because I can honestly say that had my donor told me, I would have stayed and completely educated myself on the disease. I met several GUYS who have had long-term relationships after "H", so the good women are out there. Do, I want this "NO"!! And, I don't consider it a blessing. But, it also isn't an END. I thought that I was undateable after getting this, but realized that this wasn't the case. I also won't see anyone just because they can "accept me". The connotation of "accepts me", bothers me. Its like saying that I'm defective. I tell in advance because its the right thing to do, but, I don't think I'm less or on unequal standing with someone who doesn't have it. We are all people and God loves US ALL THE SAME. Those women that pre-judged you would have wasted your time. You filtered them out. Dating is always difficult, and finding the right one is difficult even with or without "h".

Annie said: If you see yourself being alone year after year, you will be. Because you have set your mind to your destiny. BUT, if you see yourself as having someone, being in a loving relationship, I take the "its their loss, not mine" attitude. You will send out that signal to others and for women that is a magnet. Herpes or not, most women will be drawn to you. Herpes may make the process take longer, because of the filtering out process. But in the end you will have someone who doesn't care about a skin condition or things that can befall someone in the future. Long-term care has caused couples to break up. Cancer, accidents, debilitating diseases etc. Ask yourself, do you really want a KEEPER, someone who will be there in the long haul? Well, if herpes, is an obstacle for them, what are they going to do when something REALLY happens???

Carol said: I feel pretty much the same as John. I hate the thought of having to have "the talk"...so since my divorce, I've pretty much been keeping to myself. I'm a great person, but can't get past that "who wants an old menopausal granny with h stigma"? I am only 47, go figure. Got mine from my darlin ex-hubby who cheated on me, hence the ex part. Maybe something good will come of this. At least I can't die from it.

I don't have herpes said: I dont really care about if my partner has HSV...even though I myself dont have it. There is more to life than that. If I love someone then I will love them for who they are and not hold back because they have a virus. i would be upset if someone neglected to tell me about it for a long period of time. a relationship is built on trust and trust is overcoming fears.

Lorna said: I have had herpes for over 25 years and had not heard how other people with it felt and how they deal with it. I am so pissed at having this. I was diagnosed Christmas Eve 1980, when I was 7 months pregnant. The diagnosis and reading up on herpes led me to choose having a c-section and a tubal ligation. Then, with no anitvirals back then, I just settled into life. I was married - we just continued life as usual. Even with unprotected sex, he never showed symptoms, so it was an occasional inconvenience. After awhile I quit thinking about it. Sixteen years married and they even came out with acyclovir. I really didn't think of herpes as an issue in my life. Then, when I got divorced ten years ago, I realized it meant no more sex. Ever. As soon as I tell a man I have herpes, he is not even the slightest bit interested in me. Scared. And I can't blame someone for that. I've grown used to the idea. It doesn't affect me, because I have had it so long and I take the acylovir prophylactically. But it does affect me. It cuts off part of my life. I filled the last 10 years with school and work and taking care of people. Now I have noticed that we are all mortal, with but a few allotted years. I changed antidepressants and started estrogen. And now I realize again, I am facing a brick wall. So, do I think of it as a blessing? No.

Maire said, Or who even knows! The statistics I have seen say that up to 70% of people who have it may not even know! Worse, a lot of people think that if they're asymptomatic they can't transmit the virus. WRONG. *sigh* And every doc I've ever talked to says that testing for it is inaccurate at best unless the patient has had a recognizable outbreak. Without an outbreak there's no immune reaction sufficient for the presently available tests to detect it. Or so i was led to believe by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control, USA). I have been alone for 6 years now and expect that will be the case the rest of my life. Is that a blessing? I think not! As a woman, i admit i would have reacted that way myself to a man telling me he had HSV. Before, anyway. Now i know better....but of course, now it's too late. As for the guy who gave it to me....he WAS a sociopathic bastard who knew he had it, and then had the gall to deny that i had contracted it from him later. F*cktard. Maybe I should call that the 'bitch filter' *lol* Maybe someday i will. I think if i'd contracted it through sex that i wanted to be engaged in i might have a different attitude about it, but for the most part it's just a permanent reminder of an abusive sociopathic man and what he forced me to endure for 8 months. I'm glad that i had the intestinal fortitude to kick him out of my life that quickly, but i wish it had been faster. Much faster. Like the first time he crossed a line. Also, i think if my body were dealing with it well, i might have a different attitude. My body can't handle it, and my immune system has been struggling ever since. It's a little stronger now than it was a year ago, which is saying quite a bit, but it's still not as strong as it was two years ago when HSV was still something OTHER people had. If i weren't still dealing with post traumatic stress, i'd probably be able to view HSV as a jerk filter...but right now it's just one more thing that makes trying to interact with other people romantically feel anywhere from unlikely to improbable, even impossible (though i do know the last to really be literally untrue).

Sally said: It's only been two years for me, but honestly I have had nightmares about getting attached to someone romantically and wanting to make love with them, and then forgetting about it all in a moment of heat. The likelihood of such a thing happening is so remote as to be not worth considering...but my subconscious mind still won't let it go. Frankly, that's probably for the best..at least for everyone else.

Pete said: For myself there is no good time to tell a woman I have Herpes, presentation seems to not matter either, they have all passed judgement against myself based on their own ignorance and prejudices and pre-conceived notions.

Stacie said: having this wonderful virus in my life has made me bolder, more outspoken, and like you said, you get an automatic jerk filter. You find out who really wants you for you, and then there's the rest. I had it for 2 years. I have been called disgusting, nasty, I'm spreading my evil disease around, someone tried to blackmail me with it (little did they know the person they was trying to tell that i had herpes, already knew), make it bad this guy wanted to date me. I made a couple of friends. I starting talking to people about it on a regular basis. I actually like it now when people come to me for advice.

Susan said: I contracted herpes from somebody that knew he had it and wanted me to contract it. We were living in the same house at the time and it turned out he was a con-artist but that's another story. In any case, I do see my having contracted herpes as a blessing in disguise. I believe that God has used what has happened to me for good so that others can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't expect that everybody with herpes will see it as a blessing. I just know that things could have been worse for me is all. Also, the fact that you have been alone for six years.. are you blaming the fact that you have herpes OR are you blaming yourself because that is a decision that you made for yourself?

Angela said: 'bitch filter' 'jerk filter' Whatever you want to call it is fine with me. I think there is always a light at the end of the tunnel for every situation. Things happen for a reason and our lives don't have to be miserable because of those things. Some good can come out of it.

Patty said: its funny because i think its kinda two-fold for me ,,.......did i want to contract herpes? no,,,,,, dont think anyone wants to. but the lifestyle i was in it was kind of inevitable. and i wanted out. i think this was gods way of saying "ok you want out , you're out "! lol

Kelly said: Well, I'm not necessarily glad I got it....I was just so miserable married to this controlling, cheating man and that was my cue to get rid of him. Since he gave it to me. Now he's gone and I feel better. Everything happens for a reason, and something good has got to come out of this...luckily mine is very "mild" however they guage that.

AJ said: I'm with Patty in that I was, as the old song said, lookin' for love in all the wrong places. :) Getting H allowed me to stop and realize I needed to love and respect myself and find a partner who would love and respect me, too. Am I glad I got H? Not really. Am I a better person because of it? Definitely. I like myself better and I find that I'm more compassionate towards others because we all have secrets and issues and burdens we're carrying with us each day and I now consider that more closely when dealing with people. I also look back at my exes and wonder what the heck was I thinking?!?!? lol!

Fred said: Several years ago; I remember a gentleman that posted on here saying that acquiring H actually saved his life! He was heavily into drugs, sex, and other bad things. It was a wake up call for him. He got into a clinic, and got his habit straightened out. He said he was on his way to destruction !!!

Jane said: For myself yes this hsv2 has been of sorts "a blessing in disguise" because it has help me understand and have more empathy for others with this disease and the others. Not that I was anything before this, but this has given me more perspective and a lot more knowledge. I have been "forced" to learn all I can. This does help me do my job better because now I am even more passionate about getting the word out to especially teens..."who think they have a clue but don't". People think I am crazy because I love to talk about STD's...but I do because I want others to understand how easy this is to get. You don't have to be a sleep around to get this...as all of you know it only takes 15 minutes of passion. Because I have God in my life for the past 8 years I have only had one partner, my ex husband. But yeah now that I have been out on the dating scene and if I did not have God..I would be a whole lot more selective.

Lemonade said: Yes, but don't you think you are making a choice to see it as a brick wall? Any time somebody has a say in how they choose to think or feel about something I say that it's NOT the herpes that is causing the issue. It's something else underlying beneath that rug.. lack of self esteem? too much self pity? poor attitude? failure to see the positives? You tell me...

Pam said: When I first was diagnosed last fall, I thought it was the end of the world. That it was a brick wall. I read negative messages on boards, about the stigma on the internet. I felt doomed. After, a few months of feeling doomed, I realized that herpes didn't send me to the place of despair, I DID. I believed everything, I read and heard. I don't believe everything I read in the newspaper or see on T.V. So, why should I believe everything I read about herpes. The first three months, I felt diseased, undateable and unloveable. That I might as well join a convent and call it a day. Yes, there is stigma. But, I realized that I was stigmatizing myself the most. I was my own worst enemy.

Lola said: When I was first diagnosed, I decided to use herpes as my crutch. But, as the months rolled in and I felt that using it as a crutch I was even more depressed. I threw that crutch aside It was either sink or swim. So, I went on a fishing expedition. I told a few guys that I had herpes. And, guess, what.... They didn't run. One, even offered to go to a help meeting to tell women that guys that care about you and not a "roll in the hay" will stay. I didn't pose it as a main factor in my life. That is was just a skin condition to me. I had the statistics and could answer any questions they asked. They told me they appreciated my honesty and that it must have been hard for me. And, if, they ran... I really wouldn't have felt devasted. Because, I know my worth. I didn't feel like.... Well, that should be expected... Who wants to be with a diseased woman. I'm the same person I was before herpes.

Anon said: Defintion of insanity.. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. Well it was time to stop the insanity and try something new. (A POSITIVE ATTITUDE) And, guess, what I got a different result. Happiness, non-rejections and more friends...

Jennifer said: Call it a crutch or a brick wall. Brick walls have been known to be knocked down and people have been known to walk/run again. Its all about choices, your reactions. No, you can't control what others may think or do. But, you sure can control what you do and how you feel about yourself. Are there those that are ignorant about herpes and may say "off-colored" remarks, yes. But, key word.... They are ignorant. And, why would you waste your time with ignorant people when there are so many better things to do...

Carlos said: If you see yourself as being a victim, then they will to. And, no one, wants to be around a victim. Attitude is everything. And, life is a journey. But, only you can choose how you are going to walk it.

Tara said: I don't feel glad that I contracted herpes. But, I will admit. That I wouldn't have missed the journey I had in the last few months. Processing out the anger, forgiveness and acceptance. When you weather out the storms, there is a peaceful sea. I Because, as, I was working out my issues with herpes...was able to work out my issues with myself..Things that were underlying.. And, I am still on this journey... What a ride. Wouldn't miss it for anything..Because I know when it ends I will be a better person for having traveled it....There are so many people with/without herpes that never get to go on that journey to having peace. I am grateful, that I got to go on my journey.... Life is short, so live it and I plan too.... Shouldn't you.....

Snowbunnie said: It's very inspiring to see people not letting this irritant hold you back from living your life. It has been 3 months since I found out and I find I am dealing with it better thanks to this group.

Sean said: Its nice to hear such positive input from people in here. I also have had Herpes for about twenty or more years heck I hope I am not the beginner of it. You live life one day at a time and be honest and all ends up good.

Gifted said: Am I happy that I have this well honestly no. However, I do appreciate how humble and strong I have became from the experiences I have gained with having this. You really do not learn who you are or how strong you are until something happens to you. Dwelling on the consequences will only cause you pain but the experience itself will cause you to grow and become an even stronger person. I did not like pain in the past but now with Christ in my life I fear no evil and have a much stronger appreciation for life. I do like the support this group and others give to people who are new to this. We all need each other and not the stigma this society gives us for having something like this.

MV said: -No I do not feel glad for getting herpes. I wish I was more educated about the disease and aware. I had to find out the hard way. I do agree that the disease makes you slow down in relationships. I guess kind of like a filter. The only thing is eventually you have to have the talk which I find very diffucult.........

Janice said: in a way, yes I am very glad. And much for the same reasons you have said. For most of my adult life, I have been overweight and it has been a great filter for keeping guys at bay. Who wants a fat girl after all? I know this line of thinking is true for me because, as I thin down I am finding myself very panicky at what to do with the attention. Having herpes has given me a different filter for keeping guys at bay. So I can lose weight as I ought in order to live long enough to annoy my grandchildren. Another thing is that I have had a tendency to equate physical intimacy with love. Having herpes and having to have the talk forces the communication issue way out on the table. I like that and have found that I have great conversations and some of my choices in men have been excellent even if we choose to not pursue a relationship. Herpes provides me the opportunity to put the brakes on a runaway relationship so that I can gain some perspective and keep it going at the pace that is truly more comfortable to me. And I have found that there are some wonderful men out there who are intrigued and pleased with a woman who is honest and has a good conversation. I have found that my medical providers trust me with anything since I have been willing to tell other than my gyn that I have herpes. I have also found that all this benefit I am reaping also points to the fact that the world doesn't spin it's axis on the issue of herpes. It all has put herpes in perspective for me: it's a health issue that warrants watching and care, but is not the definition of me nor the center of my focus or life.

Luanne said: Janice, I feel exactly the same way as you in regard to the weight filter vs. the herpes filter :-) I'm right there with ya :-) I also think I blow doctor's away with my candidness about the 'matter of fact issue of having herpes'. I'm not herpes, but I tell so that if others know of someone else in their lives who MIGHT be struggling with it, that they know where they can find someone who has walked in their shoes :-) It's truly all good.

Amanda said: Yes, I feel that H was a blessing in disguise in my life! Through the support groups, I got the support I needed and made many friends! My first NY HELP meeting was in May 1996 and I am still friends with some of the people I met that night! I've also made many friends through the herpes social groups. I helped found the NY Social Group in 1997 and made many friends through that group too. I've also made friends at the national H events and even met my husband at a national event in 2004! I've even gotten jobs and a home because of H. I had a boyfriend with H whom I met at a social event and the old H.A. newsletters in 1997. He had a friend of a friend who was a "headhunter" and she got me a job in the Banking and Securities Compliance business. Thanks to them, I have a great career now. And I bought my studio condo in NYC in 2004 from a friend whom I'd met at the HRA support group meetings. It was a great little place and I was really happy there. So if it weren't for H, I wouldn't have a husband, I wouldn't have all the great friends I have, I wouldn't have a career, and I wouldn't have had the perfect Manhattan home for a year.

TM said: I'll speak for myself and say that while I don't hate the fact that I have herpes, I am definetly not "glad". Basically, if you are glad you have herpes, that means that if you could go back and do it again, you would do the same thing and get herpes. I accept the fact that I have it, but I would go back to that one drunk night and not do what I did. That's just how I feel.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Lived as HSV Positive for One Year - here is my story.

Here is an interesting story you don't hear happen very much.  Maybe everyone should be misdiagnosed just once to "walk a mile in our shoes".   Just something to think about.  Our writer has learned so much and expressed her feelings so well.

Here is her story:

Today I got a blood screen back and I'm NEGATIVE for HSV 2. I should be happy, right? Wrong.

On this exact date on year ago I was told I was HSV positive. (Weird, I know). I got a second test a few days ago and the nurse called me a few hours ago. I'm negative. The first test was wrong. For a year I lived with HSV, I overcame it, and became better because of it. Now what?


The first thing I did when I found out that I had HSV was order THREE of the best books on how to live with it from Amazon.com. (This saved my life). I then signed up for THREE online herpes dating sites. I got a therapist. I joined a gym. I read "my herpes books". I realized how stupid and insignificant it is. How it doesn't deserve this much attention and how WRONG and UNETHICAL it is to stigmatize yourself and others so harshly for it. [I cried when I found out and got depressed, but then I got over it.]


The people who perpetuate stigma the most are the people who HAVE HSV. Every time I read, "I don't think anyone will ever love me", I would wonder if that would be the case with me too. I would ask myself, "Should I be more disgusted with myself? I'm not supposed to be this positive?" When others hated themselves in blogs online, I felt like I was supposed to hate myself too.

SCREW THAT: I'm lucky I only have HSV.

What makes you so special that HSV is the worst thing you've ever been through? Every time I read a blog entry from someone who is sad about having HSV, I wonder...Why are you so perfect? You didn't get AIDs. Why do you get to cry over having HSV? It's not like it's written all over your face. A loved one didn't die. Your legs weren't just amputated. You weren't just told you have a month to live? You should consider yourself LUCKY that it's ONLY herpes. I do. And I tell myself that Every. Single. Day.

REJECTION: Wow, People Understand?

I ended up meeting a guy at the gym shortly after I was diagnosed and we started dating. A month in I told him I had HSV. His reaction was shocking. He listened, shrugged, and said, "If we get serious enough to have sex, I'll get educated. We'll just be super careful." Then we watched a movie. I can't believe I cried as I told him. I think he thought I was going to say something way worse.

We broke up a few months later and he said it wasn't because I had HSV. It must've been my personality I guess. Ouch.

What I learned is that if you don't get rejected because of herpes I guarantee you'll get rejected because of something else. Funny thing is, you might end up wishing it was because of herpes.

I KIND OF WISH I STILL HAD HSV: Not really, but kind of.

A year ago I hoped and prayed that there was some way my test was wrong. Now it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Thanks to HSV, I am more confident, less judgmental, more assertive, and I treat my feelings and my body with much more respect. I used to shy away from asking a guy for an STD test. What an awkward conversation, I used to think! Try telling someone you have an STD. That's a lot more awkward. I will NEVER put myself at risk again. I will NEVER let the fear of rejection dissuade me from doing what's best for my body. I went from being shy and quiet to becoming the strongest woman I know. Imagine that.


I think to myself...why should I get to reverse the past? Is it fate that I would find out I don't have herpes one year to the date that I found out I did? Why should I get to be "rewarded" for my positivity by losing what has made me so strong? Poetic justice? Will I be able to continue being the strong woman that I was up until a few hours ago?

I don't have herpes. All I want to do now is cry. What do I do now?

Monday, May 02, 2011

Telling is Freeing

I know how difficult it is to tell someone that you have herpes, but it's really something that needs to be done and can be so freeing for you the one who is dealing with this little piece of baggage once it's off of your chest.

Dating is an adventure on it's own w/out all of the extra things we tend to bring into a relationship with us. It's just another thing which we need to be up front about when getting to know someone (before sex of course) :-) It's never easy but it has to be addressed.

Keep telling, eventually someone will respect you enough for your honesty and find that you're worth being with.  Staying calm while telling and not being histerical is also very important. It's nothing to fear, just something that if you're really not into a person completely, then it's not worth the risk of even having sex with them anyway.  I personally don't tell too soon, because it's important for a prospective mate to know you for you and that you are not HERPES, because we are NOT HERPES. Also, it's not a horrible thing to wait for too long to tell (as long as you tell prior to having sex). The only horrible thing about it is that you could have another outbreak while you're stressing about telling.

So let it go, get it off of your chest and it will free you.


You've Been Diagnosed with Herpes.....Now What?

So you've been diagnosed with herpes and you're mulling over your past, your future, what herpes means to you, your gifter and all of the why's....  Why me?  I didn't deserve this.  I won't ever get married!!  I won't ever have children....

OK, so first of all, you need to stop with the pity party.  It is what it is and you now need to come to terms with living with this virus.
1. Why didn't he/she tell me?
It is very possible that he/she didn't know and/or simply ignored it. Sadly, many people are simply in denial and it seems that guys are the worst when it comes to dealing with and talking about herpes. Some of them have learned how important it is to be upfront and honest and many simply never had it checked out to confirm that they were carriers. Sad but true and that's why this virus can be so devasting because people expect the courtesy of honesty.

2. I thought they were "clean" and probably wouldn't have a nasty STD.
Taking an STD test has nothing to do with cleanliness. It's a matter of responsibility for any/all STD's.

3. I've told him that I contracted the virus, yet he said that we should keep it between the two of us.
I respect the need for only sharing the information amongst yourselves, however, he needs to realize and understand how important it is for him to be telling any prospective mate, to give them the option. He too will find that many people he already knows are living with this virus.  People who are in denial, need much education on this topic.

So now you have herpes, you're confirmed with it and now you need to move forward. You need to think about this in a positive light, because what other choice do you have? Please read through the comments and posts that I've written to gain an understanding of what you need to do for you and your integrity. Hold your head high and become familiar with how Herpes impacts you and your body. Herpes doesn't care what kind of food you eat, it's simply a contagious virus that anyone can contract. Even if you only ever slept with just one person one time, you can still get herpes. Herpes doesn't pick and choose based on your healthy or non-healthy lifestyle or a persons age.  Some people try to project an image of healthiness to cover up the fact that they may be living with this virus, but herpes doesn't pick on only the less than healthy people.  Many people don't realize that if they have a cold sore on their mouth, that that is herpes. People simply don't know or realize, they just call it a cold sore.

You can still get married, still have children. I contracted the virus when I was about 27 years old, had my son at 30 years old and he's a healthy young 19 year old man. I delivered him vaginally and he doesn't have the virus, so don't stop living just because you have herpes.   My OBGYN ran all sorts of blood tests on me in the beginning of my pregnancy, so they were aware that I had the herpes virus. Just communicate with the doctor and enjoy having babies. This is NOT the end of the world and as long as you meet someone who you connect with and love, and he loves you, then he will be accepting and possibly a marriage mate, but whatever you do, please don't "settle" for a guy, just because he accepts that you have herpes. Trust me, I just got out of a one year relationship where it didn't bother him a bit, me having herpes, but there were a whole lot of other issues with him which were not worth it for me to "have him around". He's still a great friend to me, but just not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don't settle!!
And lastly, You are NOT damaged goods.  I know that in the beginning, my very first outbreak was the absolute worst, but they did get better and less painful as time passed.  I believe that your body should be comfortable with it and not react as frequently over time. For me, I try to live as stress free of a life that I can. I have found that every time I allow stress to come into my life, I have an outbreak.

Will there ever be a cure?
Not to disappoint you, but I suspect there will never be a cure for Herpes, but I believe a vaccine for those who don't have it might be something which will be formulated. I suspect that because herpes is not a life threatening virus, that that is not on the top of the CDC's priority list of infectious diseases.

None of us ever deserved this, but "it is what it is". Chin up!!

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HERPES!!! Say it Out Loud to Yourself....

You know, one of the most important things that I have said to people over the years, which has been extremely helpful to me as well in regard to having "the talk", is to get used to saying and hearing the word herpes yourself.  In my opinion, that is the first step in taking control of living with the virus and having to verbalize the word to a prospective mate. 

It was funny, the other night I told a prospective mate while we were riding in the car, private from wandering ears (ie: not in a bar  :-)   It was difficult to admit to say it, even with all of the practice that I've had,  but fortunately, he brought up the subject first of his life, living with Hepatitis B.  It was amazing how similiarly these two viruses can be contracted, but yet how different they are as well.  He has the attitude, as do I, it is what it is and although, hepatitis may be what sends him to his grave, herpes will not.  As I was telling him, I thought back to myself that I have said herpes out loud numerous times and so glad that I did, because it's not so hard for me to hear the words myself anymore.

Trust me, say that word outloud to yourself and get comfortable hearing the words come from your own mouth.  I can't quite express how or why that has worked for me, but others have even come back to me, saying how helpful that suggestion has been to them.

HERPES, HERPES, HERPES........say it out loud to yourself....  it's a freeing feeling....  Good luck.

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Do Fellas Need Herpes Support?

One of my commenters said this:

"I have been reading many comments from woman like me. Woman who are fearful, brave and everything in between but what I feel would really be helpful would be if we had some men post on here!!"??

It seems that there are no men who are sharing their stories.  We women want to know, from a mans perspective what would they think of dating a girl with herpes if they don't have it, how often do they tell their partners if they do, and what are the best things someone could say when telling to make them less fearful of a relationship with herpes?

It is with this information that I feel I could really make progress in understanding what the reaction of my partner to be will be and creating a "telling" story that fits me."

So if you're a man, reading this post, please do express your thoughts and feelings here as it may be helpful for someone else.

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Friday, March 18, 2011

Relationships Don't Always End Due to Herpes

I have been in a relationship for the past year, we get along wonderfully, but his general personality is really getting to the point that I don't see us being "a couple" forever.  He seems to think we are great, but the way I see it, we are now just "good friends".  He's totally accepting of me having herpes, but it's me who wants to end the relationship.  It simply does not work for me anymore.  I'm half afraid to tell him, because I believe that he won't take this very well.  He's kind of an "all or nothing" kind of guy.

The point of my post is this. 

Just because a relationship may end, DOES NOT always mean it's because of your herpes.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Living with Herpes in a Small Town

I have spoken with and read where many people who live in a small town, struggle with their herpes diagnosis. They feel as though they need to move from their surroundings, that they will never be accepted. I used to feel this way too, early on in my herpes journey, but I've progressed to the point, where I could care a less who knows anymore. My job is secure; my co-workers know and don't really care, it doesn't impact them.

It's the people that keep quiet or don't speak out because of fear of rejection and fear of negative backlash to having herpes that perpetuate the negative stigma associated with this std.
There is a time and a place to talk about herpes. People should talk about it when they feel the need to and when it's comfortable for them to do so. AND sometimes talking about herpes when the timing is not perfect CAN and does make a difference in squashing the negative stigma associated with this std.

If you aren't willing to talk about it then you can't very well complain about the negative stigma associated with herpes - now can you?

We - the people that have herpes - have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I refuse to live in fear because of it... to me... that IS the only way to make a difference.

So, if you're concerned, you simply pick and choose who you tell. You might want to think twice about telling people that you don't know all that well. In the 23 years that I've had herpes, I've run into many forms of ignorance and prejudice aimed not only at myself, but also I've been told by a good number of people via the internet and in person as well. They range from rejection (common) to death threats - my own personal experience.

I have read stories of others who claim they have lost their job due to telling someone that they had herpes. I also know of at least one person that was black balled from her church after word got out that she had herpes. Another lady had a very negative experience after telling a man that she was interested in that she had herpes. No physical violence but the verbal abuse was rather nasty from what I recall. Yes, it can get ugly, but it sure helps to show people's true colors when they have the full deck of cards laid out in front of them.

I am all for being upfront and honest at an appropriate time but a small measure of common sense and caution are in order if you want to avoid paying the price for having something that isn't your fault in the first place.

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I'm still alive and kickin' and read everything which other folks write in the comments section and try to respond to each of them. Thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts. This morning, a comment came across my email and I read this post which I hadn't read in a very long time and got reinspired all over again by my own dang words. So a thank you to the commenter for bringing this topic back for me to read.

Every opportunity that I get to mention herpes to health care professionals, I do it now, because it amazes me how little some of these "Dr's" really know or understand about herpes. Many of them are still not even able to "look at it" and say to themselves "looks like herpes" and run a test for confirmation. Each time I "tell" it continues to give me more and more strength and I tell them too "it's JUST a virus" and they all agree and are amazed by my attitude. Mind you, I also tell them that yes, I do tell when I need to (except when I'm dreaming -lol-)

I'm currently 49 years old and still have never been married, but I have other issues which have gotten in the way (being overweight) and I believe that in the past, I used my being overweight to protect me from having to "tell" and no one showed any interest and I wasn't ready to deal with it quite yet anyway. I haven't given up hope, still want to spend the rest of my life with that "some man special" and have taken steps to improve my weight (have lost 134 lbs in the past year), so eventually, I'll be reposting again as my life journey, living with herpes continues. I'm anxious and excited, but as long as I hold onto my beliefs, I'll be OK and I'll still be able to hold my head high.

I agree, the stigma which surrounds herpes is definitely the downer. Big time!!

Hang in there folks. You'll be just fine. Fortunately, I can be proud, knowing that I have raised a very strong young man all on my own as a single mother. That alone gives me so much pride. I've paid for my life, all on my own, without the help of a man, but yet, I still miss the hell out of having that someone special in my life...

All in good time :-)


Sunday, January 04, 2009

You ask: Why Did I Stop Blogging about Herpes?

Well, I really didn't, but I received an email from someone recently who was promoting their "new herpes website" and I thought OMG, ANOTHER ONE!!.

The author said to me:
It looked like you were publishing great content for a little while. Why did you stop?
I responded:
Thank you for your compliments. I guess the reason I stopped is "how many different topics and angles are there when it comes to talking about herpes. My opinions and thoughts are there for others to see. I just don't have time to devote to "thinking of something new" to talk about when it comes to herpes. It's a cycle, everyone goes through the same thing and nothing ever changes. I honestly don't believe there will ever be a cure for it, a vaccine to prevent others from getting this virus is possible and I've personally come to terms with it. It is helpful to others though and I do respond to them :-)
If you'd like to make comments on any of my posts though, feel free to do that because I will respond. I thought it would be a good idea to pop in to explain my lack of new and exciting Herpes information :-) I enjoy hearing from others who have questions or concerns or simply just stop by to say "Thank you".

Happy New Year to all.