How can I say "herpes is JUST a virus"?
One poster on a herpes support board, challenged me with this question.
This was my reply to her:
Well, I believe you're directing this response to me and if you will re-read what I wrote.....and always write....Herpes is just a virus to ME (I can't speak for everyone else). I am fully aware that herpes treats everyone's body differently and for ME it has taken 17+ years to "GET OVER IT".
I have shed MANY a tear, before I had access to the internet, a place to share my experiences, fears etc. I lived in denial for 10 of those 17 years, maybe not denial so much (because I wouldn't sleep with someone if I wasn't having an outbreak), but who the heck knew there was something called asymptommatic shedding?? Who knew?? and I certainly wasn't going to have an open discussion with someone when I would be sooooo ashamed....... OK, I could go on and on and on, but I won't. The bottom line is, Herpes DOES NOT define who I am. I don't have lots of obvious outbreaks andI might add, I don't NEED a man to define me. I am not on daily supression, in fact, I've NEVER taken a valtrex in MY LIFE!!!I have had the pleasure of being a mom (13 year old son) whom I might add, I delivered him vaginally and did not pass herpes on to him. For me, the fact that herpes is ONLY a Virus to ME is huge, because I have many more pressing things going on in my life at the present time. High cost of fuel to heat my home (it's killin' me), credit card bills and high interest rates, not making 6 figures, but to be honest, I don't think it would solve any of my problems.
ALL of my family members know about the fact that I have herpes. I have told many of my friends that I have herpes and for me, telling people, saying the word HERPES out loud many times has gotten me to a place where it truly is NOT a big deal, nor is it a dealbreaker for me. Having this confidence about it, did not happen overnight, but only through time and by allowing those of you who are new to this realize that others can be OK about having herpes, should reassure you that in time, you too will get comfortable in your new skin. I AM NOT ashamed of it, but yet, I don't try to get too close to anybody too soon. I live with the belief that a friendship or companionship and someone who agrees that a prenuptial agreement is THE only way to go (there again, my opinion ;-) then I find it's NOT worth the hassle of being with someone. Sure, I'd love to meet Mr. Right and have him come live with my son and I in this great state of Pennsylvania, living in the country, being able to hunt and fish whenever and where ever he wanted to or just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night sky, but I'm not holdin' my breath!!
lol...sure sounded like a personal ad huh ;-) lolol So yes......I can honestly say that HERPES is JUST a virus to ME!!! You might not be there quite yet and believe me, I do have compassion for those of you who are where you are now, but what I need to remind you is don't let having herpes consume you. You need to retrain the way
you think about it, that's all. It might sound simple as I put it, but you have to convince yourself and get used to you before anyone else will be able to accept you for the beautiful spirits that you are, with or without herpes. Having herpes is NOT the end of the world. But it will take time for you to work through this process.
One day, you'll say Thank you, for making you realize that you too could get to where you are. I'm not the only one who feels this way folks and trust me when I say, WE DO UNDERSTAND, but it doesn't behoove you to keep wallowing in your own self pity.
Get over it I say!!! :-) Shit Happens!!!
posted by Luanne @ 4:11 PM
13 Comments:
Go for it girl! You're right, it's a process - and we're all at different stages of the process.
Herpes taught me about love and self acceptance. I think it has something to teach everyone, if we only stop and think.
Wishing you well, Alison
Thank you Alison. It has not been easy, but I have a choice, happiness or sadness :-) I choose to be happy and to accept myself.
Luanne
Hi there. I am a 46 year old single woman who got herpes in 1989 from a partner who had prodromal symptoms on his lips under his mustache...well, that's not where mine showed up! (LOL) I once found a great "letter to someone who was just told their partner has herpes" on a support site--wish I could find it again...but this is it essentially. With ALL the things to worry about in the world, worrying about a virus that is essentially no more than an inconvenience and is only stigmatized in the WEST when it's below the belt, and mostly in the US! God bless those Puritans...look, we need to educate, especially young people, that herpes is nothing...nothing...it can't kill you, the odds of it hurting a newbborn can be minimized to almost zero. You are safer with someone who HAS herpes and knows it, than with the rest of the world, 70% percent of which have it and are probably asymptomatic--especially men, who don't have all those warm wet cozy spots for viruses to hang out. There are many wrestlers and rugby players who give each othe herpes on other body parts from having broken sking contact during the sport...you think they're not having sex??? Have intimate relations with someone you love is more important in the grand scheme of life than a rash and a virus. Really. Let's spread the word instead of the virus--lighen up about herpes...it's just a cold sore that travelled south. With a minimum of care, you are better equipped to prevent spreading it than anyone else, because you KNOW and are armed with knowledge. I take daily Valtrex...makes me feel better to have the added protection. I have actually read sites where young people become suicidal over this--oh my god, what a tradegy that would be. It's a societal cultural problem that we need to help fix. Love and best of luck to all. Michele M. Rossi, LCSW
Amen Michele!! I feel the same way. Agree with everything you said. To this day, I've not been required to take Valtrex by a loved one and my outbreaks are so minimal, sometimes, I'll go for years at a time w/out an obvious outbreak, and I do realize there is shedding too, but really, it's not the end of the world, living with this virus. Thank you for taking the time to add your two cents. :-)
Luanne
Luanne,
This is so inspiring! I was diagnosed with GH (type 1) two years ago and I have had the hardest time disclosing my status, especially since I hear a lot of people talk about herpes with disdain. I know that they don't know what they're talking about, but it's hard to accept you're on the other side of the fence. It brings tears to my eyes that one day, I may grow to fully accept my herpes status, and fully realize that herpes will only inhibit my life as much as I let it! I know life is so much more than herpes, but sometimes the stigma can leave you lonely. Thank you so much for choosing happiness, and choosing to write about it.
Thank you, Michelle, for your story too! You are so right! All of you give me newfound confidence.
thank you, all of your stories inspire me. (eyes swell with tears) i have been on a roller coaster since i found out. i have only disclosed to my closest friends and an ex boyfriend. i pray that one day i will have the confidence that you women have. thanks again.
I'm so glad that all of you have been finding comfort in my thoughts and others as well. It's so helpful to know that we're not alone and that having herpes is NOT the end of the world. Keep posting your thoughts and feelings and don't hesitate to keep coming back. There are only so many things which one can say about herpes and I needed to do this blog for me too. I'm glad there are others out there who are finding hope in my words :-)
Amen to that sister...I agree with the original post..IT'S JUST A VIRUS!!! I, too, was devastated and went through the whole lonliness, condemed for life, leper feeling. I was lucky enough to have a conversation with someone 21 years ago when I was first diagnosed. He was a father figure to me. I was hysterical crying to him, and his response, was "so what? my wife gets it on her mouth...it's no big deal" We all get colds, the flu, poisen Ivy (you can get from contact with other people)...but because you get a blister on your sexual region, it's taboo. We need to get out of the dark ages and get OVER it. I agree with Allison too, it has something to teach everyone.
I concur. It really is rather ridiculous when you stop to think about it. Crazy world of "ever so imperfect, perfect people" we surround ourselves with huh. It's simply ridiculous. I have herpes friends who are dying of worse things than their herpes. If they were still alive, I'm sure they'd be wishing that's all they ever had was herpes.
You were very firm about your feelings and I appreciated your post. I have had herpes for now three years. I just got out of a relationship with the man who intially gave it to me. I have been crushed and had low self-esteem for many years about this.I let this same man run all over me and probably dp this to other women. Enough is enough! You are right herpes does not define me and life goes on.Once again thanks!
Ive been living with herpes since I was 16 (now 21)- actually, I got it from the first boy I ever had sex with. I wish I had seen this blog when I was first diagnosed because I cant tell you enough how much it would have meant to me. Although I cant say I have totally accepted myself, I must tell you- YOU ARE AMAZING. I wish I could be as strong as you, and desperately hope I one day am.
Currently I am facing having to tell the first guy Ive allowed myself to like and to want a future with since finding out I have herpes. Your words have helped me better prepare myself, and I want to thank you.
you're welcome anonymous poster from:
Sunday, May 24, 2009 9:05:00 PM
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and to anonymous poster from:
Monday, May 25, 2009 10:48:00 PM
You are so welcome and good luck with that new guy. Just remember that if he doesn't accept you, don't give up. If he really cares as much about you as you do him, then he'll love you no matter what because after all, it's JUST a virus :-)
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