Telling is Freeing

I know how difficult it is to tell someone that you have herpes, but it's really something that needs to be done and can be so freeing for you the one who is dealing with this little piece of baggage once it's off of your chest.

Dating is an adventure on it's own w/out all of the extra things we tend to bring into a relationship with us. It's just another thing which we need to be up front about when getting to know someone (before sex of course) :-) It's never easy but it has to be addressed.


Keep telling, eventually someone will respect you enough for your honesty and find that you're worth being with.  Staying calm while telling and not being histerical is also very important. It's nothing to fear, just something that if you're really not into a person completely, then it's not worth the risk of even having sex with them anyway.  I personally don't tell too soon, because it's important for a prospective mate to know you for you and that you are not HERPES, because we are NOT HERPES. Also, it's not a horrible thing to wait for too long to tell (as long as you tell prior to having sex). The only horrible thing about it is that you could have another outbreak while you're stressing about telling.

So let it go, get it off of your chest and it will free you.

Do Fellas Need Herpes Support?

One of my commenters said this:

"I have been reading many comments from woman like me. Woman who are fearful, brave and everything in between but what I feel would really be helpful would be if we had some men post on here!!"??

It seems that there are no men who are sharing their stories.  We women want to know, from a mans perspective what would they think of dating a girl with herpes if they don't have it, how often do they tell their partners if they do, and what are the best things someone could say when telling to make them less fearful of a relationship with herpes?

It is with this information that I feel I could really make progress in understanding what the reaction of my partner to be will be and creating a "telling" story that fits me."

So if you're a man, reading this post, please do express your thoughts and feelings here as it may be helpful for someone else.

I've Had Herpes for A Long Time

I've come to realize this is the bottomline when it comes to telling a possible new romantic interest.

How did you tell them?

I just tell them. And I usually tell them right away, in the first few days. I say "There's something you need to know, I have hsv2." I've had a few funny reactions, a few pauses and then a "No big deal" reaction, and one "Whoop dee do" reaction. A man is seeing you because he is interested in YOU. And it is true that herpes is something we have, not who we are. God forbid herpes should define who I am. If anyone looks in the dictionary, they won't find a picture of any of us next to the word "Herpes".

When I am asked out, that tells me the man is interested. I can show him that I am a nice person, I can show him that I have compassion, I can show him that I have a sense of humor. I can show him that I am no different than any other human being on the face of this earth. If he cannot overlook the fact that I have herpes, to see the wonderful, beautiful person that I am, then the only thing I will show him is the door. There are too many really decent guys out there to waste any time on someone like that.

Just take a deep breath and go for it.

Libby

Thank you Libby for sharing this great, bottom line opinion which I agree with totally. You Go girl :-)

You Have to Ask Yourself

What exactly are you looking for and is the person worth the risk of getting genital herpes. If you're simply looking to get laid, I say to you, don't put yourself and that person through the misery of that magical day when you too can come together (that's how we women think :-) as one. If you really don't want the risk, just let them know ahead of time.

What's wrong with people having this discussion ahead of time, even before someone even has to have "the talk". I guess that's why people ask the question are you drug and disease free because they don't want to take the risk and that's cool. I respect people for even bringing this topic up as something of concern to them. Honestly, it tells me they're not looking for a long term relationship when it comes to talking about herpes. I can honestly say that I feel that way about a person who would have AIDS. That scares the heck out of me, but ONLY because death is more of a possibility and of course, everyone's situation is different from the next. In my case, I have a child and want to be here for him for as long as I possibly can be. So I understand that thinking, but if you're just looking for a "fuck buddy" then to be honest, I wouldn't want to put you at risk either because I want the real deal anyway. Someone to love me and spend the rest of their lives with me. Sound hokey? NAW!! I'm a woman :-) For me, TELLING weeds out the ones who I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyway. NOW, there is also the case of telling, they accept the fact that I have herpes and then I found out that they are an abuser and OK with me because NO ONE else will spend time with them. That's where the next rule comes in. DON'T let a new LOVE move in with you until you have gotten to know everything about them. Don't fall for anything, don't settle!! Believe me when I say, it's NOT worth it. That's why I prefer to have friends first and then if we get to a place where we might "cross that line" then by that point, I would most likely have already told "my friend" and if we've been friends for a very long time, then he or she has then decided that I am worth the risk. It's crazy how our minds think and the choices we make.

Is It Worth It To Tell?

Is it worth telling someone you have genital herpes? I say absolutely. It's not necessarily something which you need to tell right away, but it is something which does need to be discussed prior to having sexual relations. Telling is a huge topic of discussion amongst those of us who have herpes. Each situation is different and there is no wrong or right way. The best advice I can give is to educate yourself first and get right with you, before you can expect anyone else to be OK with it. If you approach it fearfully, chances of scaring someone off is pretty high. If you realize within yourself that it's not the end of the world, you'll be able to explain the risks involved to a partner with a level head and without alot of unnecessary emotion. Good luck in telling someone you have herpes. We never said it would be easy, but just remember that if someone does not accept you, then it simply wasn't meant to be with that person anyway and you're much better off knowing that you have removed this huge weight from your shoulders and if this person loves you, they will appreciate your total honesty. This IS NOT the end of the world and you will NOT die from it.

Love Letters - Telling I have Herpes

Should I tell someone I have herpes?

"I met a boy......cute as can be" (we both like karaoke).

I met a guy one night (first day of fishing/trout season in Pennsylvania in 2004). He was so much fun. He made me smile, made me laugh. Great sense of humor. I truly enjoyed his company, his warmth, his passion, the twinkle in his eye. He was extremely down to earth, very matter of fact, his honesty, his motivation. There were so many things about this man and father which I could appreciate. I got nothing but good vibes in the short period of time I spent with him.

I wanted so much to open up to him and be the honest person who I know that I am, the worthy person, but I felt that he would not accept me for having genital herpes. Yes, I said genital herpes (see handbook for additional information). That he would judge me and "throw me away". I wasn't sure when to tell him. I wanted to tell him from the very beginning, it was always in the forefront of my mind, and I know that he sensed that I was keeping something from him and believe me when I say, I wanted to tell, I needed to tell.

It was killin' me, tearin' me up inside. Each time I touched your face, stroked your hair and looked into your eyes, each time you'd say "penny for your thoughts" (that was what was on my mind) the fact that I was scared to death to tell you, only out of fear of rejection, not afraid of myself and certainly not afraid of genital herpes, but that you would reject me and not even get to know the beautiful person which I am. I'm comfortable with having herpes myself and I know my body, but unfortunately, there are never any guarantees of non-transmittal either. I should have trusted in you and not been afraid to tell, but that's hindsight for ya.

I wanted to be close to you, hang out with you, kiss and hug and be kissed and hugged by you. I was serious too, when I said I'd want to help you with your work. I felt totally comfortable with you. Totally!! And I wanted to take it one step further, so badly, but I just couldn't live with myself if I did and hadn't confided in you. I would have been totally devastated of the 50/50 chance of rejection, so instead I refrained from showing you how I really felt and that I wanted to be with you, to give myself time to decide the perfect time to tell, but I was never given the opportunity to do that, sadly enough. We could be good for each other.

I wouldn't "go all the way" with you, because I had promised/vowed to myself, that I would not, until I told, but the right time just never came up. When is the right time?? I so much didn't want to be rejected by you, and I felt that it was very likely that he you might reject me. 50/50 chance huh :-) Who knows? Maybe I'll never know. Never know what your true intention was or even what you were looking for that night?

I met you in a bar, which in the past, never proved to be a good place to meet someone and you know how that goes. But who knows, anything is possible and sometimes you just have to take the chance. You knew my friends, so that was kind of like meeting "a friend of a friend" in a bar. So what's wrong with that :-) I felt safe and it felt so right being with you. I was totally comfortable. I believe that we could be great together, even if only as great friends and I would still want that opportunity if you're interested.

Notice how I haven't used the L word. ;-) That's because I want to be your friend, your buddy. Someone I could tell anything to, all of my deepest darkest secrets (not that I have any left, all of my baggage has now been aired). Someone to hang out with, to care about, to care about me, to help each other. A companion.

Sometimes I wonder why I haven't heard from you. Is it because I didn't "give it up" right away? Did you really think I was just "teasing" you? I wasn't teasing you and I did say that much. I wanted you as much as you wanted me, but I just morally couldn't and wouldn't! Is it because you could tell that I was keeping something from you? Was it because I have a bi-racial child? I can't imagine that would have been an issue as that would have been quite illogical to me.

Then there's always your past situation..... Maybe you're simply not ready. Possibly it's just too soon? Maybe you're still not over your past relationship. Maybe you wanted me just for sex. Maybe you're just being a great Dad and totally focused on that and if that's the case I totally understand and I respect you for that, but you could still call to say you were thinking about me if that's the case. Friendship is important to me as well as intimacy and it's hard to go back to non-intimacy once you've been as intimate with someone as we had been. I want it all, (notice I didn't say need) who doesn't :-) Total honesty is important to me as well, but I didn't want to spoil the moment, the intimacy. You made me feel very special, very loved and safe. I should have trusted to confide in you sooner, but I was concerned about possible rejection and I was enjoying our time together. I still want to do this face to face. I even said to myself, even if I see him again in the future, I will drag his butt outside and tell him. Right then and there! That way he''ll understand what I was dealing with and the difficulty of telling him and that my intention was to tell him sooner rather than much later. I'm hoping that you'll understand and appreciate my honesty and for letting you know how I feel and where I'm coming from. I still think about you daily and maybe I have no business doing that, but I wasn't done with you yet ;-) I miss you and the connection with you that I felt was there.

My friends and family (who either know that I have genital herpes or internet friends who I chat with and have it too) all of them have different thoughts on the "telling topic" and "when to tell". I felt that we had a connection and that I owe you that much, even if it doesn't go anyplace.

Some of them said......
"NO!! Don't tell him right away!! Don't sleep with him right away, wait 3 months before you become intimate. Give him a chance to get to know you. (Well, I didn't feel as though that would work because I figured we had gone too far already to pull back that drastically, I thought it would have been too difficult, because I was very attracted to you too. :-)

Others say........(which is how I prefer to handle it...)
Tell him right up front, if he's gonna accept you, he'll do it more from the beginning of the relationship, rather than waiting for 3 months, because he'll appreciate you for your honesty and if he's not wanting a relationship with you, then it wasn't meant to be anyway. I felt that you deserved my totally honesty right from the beginning. I felt as though you had been totally honest with me (or at least believe that of you) and that was the right thing for me to do for you as well as for myself.

So...... I was torn, do I tell now or wait, everyone had valid points on both sides. I had spoken to them, looking for advice and I also consider them friends, (most of whom have genital herpes and have been there, done that, walked a mile in my shoes).

They all had various ways that they choose to "tell" someone......
Some tell while riding in the car (I was gonna "kidnap" you one night and go for a drive, that was how I wanted to do it and finally tell you. That's all I could think about was when and how.)

Some tell it in the heat of the moment (umm, I don't think so!! What a way to spoil an intimate moment.)

Final (or end of letter); my top ten thoughts and comments

1. First off.....Ahh.....I feel so much better :-) Now, I can just be myself again. whew!!! :-) You have no idea!! This is a good thing for me to tell. :-)
2. I would still enjoy seeing and spending time with you. Take a chance? If not, I'll understand, but I still expect a hug if I see you around and I do hope to see you around.
3. If I hear from you, I know that you'll make your intentions perfectly clear to me. I appreciate that about you and would certainly enjoy your company. *smile*
4. We'll just lay whatever "rules" we have...... out on the table. No problem.
5. I am extremely independent, having never been married and I don't NEED someone to "take care of me" but I do want someone in my life. I do not expect someone to take care of me financially and would be perfectly content with just haveing someone to be close to, be my friend, help me, do things with, to hug and hold and be intimate with and I don't just mean sexually.
6. I'm being totally open and honest with you. It's my turn..to do the talking. Open book time. You certainly are a chatty one. *smile*
7. Remember, I told you, I'd been accused of "having no spine" but I'm determined to prove them wrong.
8. I believe we could be good together.
9. Ya know, I was advised, not to tell, especially if I didn't hear from you again, but I still felt as though I owed you an explanation of that night, because I felt that we had a great connection and our friendship was deserving of total honesty, even if there was no future meant to be. I wished I could have relaxed and enjoyed each other totally because I felt a true bond with you, one which I believe could be something more and I wasn't ready to just leave it at "I'm not teasing you."
10. I'm also including a snip it of what will someday be published on the WWW (my story), bits of it may be redundant, but it's all about how I feel and who I am. note: Someday I'll link to my story when it's complete.

date last saved/modified was: 06March, 2005 (orig. written approx: July or Aug of 2004)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

update: January 21, 2006 (date I'm entering this into my blog)

Well, I never did present this fella with this letter above and so much has happened since my writing of this. It's sort of funny now how things have progressed, where our friendship has gone and it's so cool. It's almost laughable. The bottom line is, we still are friends, we do keep in touch and I don't regret anything which has transpired between he and I. Since my initial feelings were typed in the above letter, we have had the talk. It's funny because as time went on, he kept bringing up the conversation of herpes in one way or another. He'd make comments like "you know that they have a cure for herpes" and I was like, hmmm, I wonder why he's saying this? Did he find out via the web that I have herpes or was this just a coincidence? Then a bit later in our friendship, we're taking a road trip and again, he brings up "Did you hear about all those fish that died in Chautauqua Lake from the herpes virus". OK, I'm thinking to myself, he must know!! So we chat about it, but I still hadn't confessed. Man, this is harder than I thought lolol. So as time goes on, he finally admits to me that he has oral herpes. OMG, if that wasn't the BIGGEST shock to me and such a friggin' relief to hear. Naturally, I then finally admitted something which had been eating away at me now for over a year. Mind you, we hadn't spent a whole lot of time around each other, but geez, all that worrying for nothing!! lol Needless to say, I think that everything happens for a reason and I value his friendship even more now because if nothing else, we have this ridiculous social stigma in common. Sure, mine might be genital herpes, but hey, in my world, herpes is herpes lolol I am going to email him this link and hopefully he'll get a good chuckle out of all my drama lolol *hugs to ya* You got my number(s) lolol

p.s. - I still think he's a great guy and glad he's my friend, which I firmly believe is very important.

still chuckling over this -----> C.P.A. lololol <-----ok, that's a private joke folks. Remember, I sent it to him too.