Risk, Transmission and Acceptance

Is one gender of sex more likely to transmit the herpes virus than the other? What are the chances of women passing herpes more frequently to a man? Herpes is herpes to me. Some people claim that because a woman's genital's are more moist that they are more susceptible of passing this virus on, but I honestly don't believe it has anything to do with moistness. Other's believe just the opposite. I believe that everyone is different and that not everyone's frequency of outbreaks and transmission in regard to shedding are the same. I believe that herpes is not gender specific in regard to how often a person sheds.

So the doctor tells you that you now have herpes and in your in shock. What are one of the first questions you have for them? What are the chances of passing this on? You scour the internet for hours, trying to find the answer to your question.

The bottom line is that there is always a risk, no matter what we do to prevent transmission. That's the messed up part about having genital herpes or oral herpes for that matter. Some people spend hours and hours, researching to find solid numbers, so that they can basically sugar coat it when it comes time to tell their partner that they have herpes. They also want numbers so that they can determine within themselves if they really need to "tell" or "expose themselves" and their lovely little gift. I can't say as I blame them, as it is not an easy thing to tell someone, but it's the right thing to do because of the lack of suredness as to if you're contagious or not. The way I see it, is if your perspective partner is still willing to be with you and you've provided them with the hard facts, then you must remember that they are aware that they may get genital herpes from you. If they're willing to accept and love you for the person you are, then they are willing to accept the risk of getting herpes themselves. Same thing as you could be on "the pill" and it's still possible to get pregnant. At some point, I think it's necessary for folks to move on after they find out the answers to their questions and just deal with it. Acceptance for yourself doesn't happen overnight. As with everything else in life, it takes time to get used to this new fact about your new life living with herpes.

Remember, there are no guarantees in life. What else can you do but live an honest life and communicate with your partner. That's all that anyone can expect from us.

It's human nature if they feel better knowing that they have a 92-96% chance of not acquiring herpes from you than just being told well you may or you may not get this? How could you possibly ever enjoy sex again with your partner if you never had any reassurance at all about this virus? If you thought you were constantly shedding the virus and your partner was doomed to get it no matter what it would make it very hard to let go and enjoy the pleasures that sex can provide in a long term relationship. We all know your partner isn't doomed to get it. Taking precautions do
really work. We know that women are more likely to get the virus from their partners than males are. The more you read about herpes and educate yourself the more you will understand which risks are higher risks than others and how to handle having this virus better. Basically, the more outbreaks you have, the more active the virus is, the more it is shedding and the more likely you are to pass on the virus to your partner with or without obvious lesions. The less outbreaks you have the less likely you are to pass on the virus. If you are having monthly outbreaks, than the risk of your partner getting it from you is not going to fall within the 4-8% category, it will be higher. If you have never had a noticeable outbreak then your partner's risk is lower. So basically, you need to really be in touch with your herpes and how your body reacts to it. Over time, many people's outbreaks lessen to fewer and fewer outbreaks, so it takes time to get to know your body and how it reacts.

Some people firmly believe that being on daily suppressive therapy with valtrex reduces their partner's risk by 50% which means a lot to them, because 50% is 50%
whether you are shedding 80 days a year or 5 days a year. I personally don't obsess about my herpes, even though it is a big part of my life in that it has limited my sexual activity, but I believe it's truly a blessing in disguise.

Those who are on daily suppression, take comfort in knowing that the precautions they are taking have a real effect on the chances of not passing this virus onto their partner. As long as they understand that they might pick up the virus anyway, regardless of what precautions the two of you are taking, then they must believe you are worth the risk. Meanwhile, knowing they've lowered their risk is something both partners can feel good about. We all want to know the risks for everything else about your body and illness so why wouldn't we want to know them about herpes too?