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Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Lived as HSV Positive for One Year - here is my story.

Here is an interesting story you don't hear happen very much.  Maybe everyone should be misdiagnosed just once to "walk a mile in our shoes".   Just something to think about.  Our writer has learned so much and expressed her feelings so well.

Here is her story:

Today I got a blood screen back and I'm NEGATIVE for HSV 2. I should be happy, right? Wrong.

On this exact date on year ago I was told I was HSV positive. (Weird, I know). I got a second test a few days ago and the nurse called me a few hours ago. I'm negative. The first test was wrong. For a year I lived with HSV, I overcame it, and became better because of it. Now what?


The first thing I did when I found out that I had HSV was order THREE of the best books on how to live with it from Amazon.com. (This saved my life). I then signed up for THREE online herpes dating sites. I got a therapist. I joined a gym. I read "my herpes books". I realized how stupid and insignificant it is. How it doesn't deserve this much attention and how WRONG and UNETHICAL it is to stigmatize yourself and others so harshly for it. [I cried when I found out and got depressed, but then I got over it.]


The people who perpetuate stigma the most are the people who HAVE HSV. Every time I read, "I don't think anyone will ever love me", I would wonder if that would be the case with me too. I would ask myself, "Should I be more disgusted with myself? I'm not supposed to be this positive?" When others hated themselves in blogs online, I felt like I was supposed to hate myself too.

SCREW THAT: I'm lucky I only have HSV.

What makes you so special that HSV is the worst thing you've ever been through? Every time I read a blog entry from someone who is sad about having HSV, I wonder...Why are you so perfect? You didn't get AIDs. Why do you get to cry over having HSV? It's not like it's written all over your face. A loved one didn't die. Your legs weren't just amputated. You weren't just told you have a month to live? You should consider yourself LUCKY that it's ONLY herpes. I do. And I tell myself that Every. Single. Day.

REJECTION: Wow, People Understand?

I ended up meeting a guy at the gym shortly after I was diagnosed and we started dating. A month in I told him I had HSV. His reaction was shocking. He listened, shrugged, and said, "If we get serious enough to have sex, I'll get educated. We'll just be super careful." Then we watched a movie. I can't believe I cried as I told him. I think he thought I was going to say something way worse.

We broke up a few months later and he said it wasn't because I had HSV. It must've been my personality I guess. Ouch.

What I learned is that if you don't get rejected because of herpes I guarantee you'll get rejected because of something else. Funny thing is, you might end up wishing it was because of herpes.

I KIND OF WISH I STILL HAD HSV: Not really, but kind of.

A year ago I hoped and prayed that there was some way my test was wrong. Now it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Thanks to HSV, I am more confident, less judgmental, more assertive, and I treat my feelings and my body with much more respect. I used to shy away from asking a guy for an STD test. What an awkward conversation, I used to think! Try telling someone you have an STD. That's a lot more awkward. I will NEVER put myself at risk again. I will NEVER let the fear of rejection dissuade me from doing what's best for my body. I went from being shy and quiet to becoming the strongest woman I know. Imagine that.


I think to myself...why should I get to reverse the past? Is it fate that I would find out I don't have herpes one year to the date that I found out I did? Why should I get to be "rewarded" for my positivity by losing what has made me so strong? Poetic justice? Will I be able to continue being the strong woman that I was up until a few hours ago?

I don't have herpes. All I want to do now is cry. What do I do now?