Do Fellas Need Herpes Support?

One of my commenters said this:

"I have been reading many comments from woman like me. Woman who are fearful, brave and everything in between but what I feel would really be helpful would be if we had some men post on here!!"??

It seems that there are no men who are sharing their stories.  We women want to know, from a mans perspective what would they think of dating a girl with herpes if they don't have it, how often do they tell their partners if they do, and what are the best things someone could say when telling to make them less fearful of a relationship with herpes?

It is with this information that I feel I could really make progress in understanding what the reaction of my partner to be will be and creating a "telling" story that fits me."

So if you're a man, reading this post, please do express your thoughts and feelings here as it may be helpful for someone else.

Please.....Do NOT Feel Ashamed!!

How ridiculous when I hear people feeling as though they need to be ashamed for having contracted herpes. I do remember at one point in my herpes journey that I did not feel as I do now and it's certainly a path we all have to take. For me, it was 10 years in denial, then 3 years of trying to "tell" someone which was totally emotionally draining, but I needed that. Then I discovered the internet and it's been all up hill since then. I have vowed never to sleep with someone again without having the talk and so far so good. We are all at different places in regard to "the grieving process".

A place where we all eventually, hopefully get to where we are "at peace" with ourselves and having herpes. I personally have finally found that peace. Attending the social gatherings, both on a national and a local level is the very best thing that any of us could do for ourselves and for each other for that matter. I simply can not describe how surrounding yourself with others who have this virus, empowers you!!

You have to go just once to understand what I'm talking about. When you leave a gathering or even standing around chatting, you almost want to say (or this is where I'm at in my journey) "I'M SO FRIGGIN GLAD I HAVE HERPES!!!" I have met so many wonderful people. And you know what, someday you will get to that point too, believe it or not. You have to learn to accept and love yourself as the saying goes, before anyone else will accept and love you in return. I find that the more people I tell, the easier it gets. Mind you, I haven't resorted totally to telling every single person in my life, but there's a time and a place for everything. Herpes only consumes my mind and time, because I want so much for the stigma to go away. In fact, there are times when I even look for the moment to open up the STD topic. You can start that topic with anyone and you don't even have to out yourself in the process. Just simple dialogue is all that is needed to spread awareness.

It's amazing how if it's a one-on-one conversation, they voice their fears and then I in turn say to them, but if you really really cared about that person, would you totally disregard them as a partner? It really makes them think. And if that's all any of us can do is just spread awareness, open up a line of communication, then that's a good thing.

I received an email from a classmate about a year ago and someplace through my emails, she gathered that I like to "spread sunshine". That really made my day that she was able to pick up my positive vibes about life. As others have said, Herpes does not define who I am. I am happy in life, love my family, love my friends and love meeting new people (which includes my herpes family too). I look forward to meeting more of us who live with herpes. It truly is a good thing which comes out of our shared situation.

I personally am proud to know so many wonderful people with herpes.

Dear Dr. Sue Johannsen

Dr. Johannsen really rubs many of us in the herpes community the wrong way and a friend of mine wrote her an email a few months ago and has given me permission to repost it here.

Kerry says: Who knows if they'll forward it to her. I believe I went easy on her because I don't think she realizes how she's not living in reality on the issue of std's. Here's what Kerry said:

"Sue, I really enjoy watching your show. I like how you are frank and real and tell it like it is. But when you answered a question the other night, it really upset me.

I don't remember the woman's name, but she called with a legitimate beef about her husband cheating on her with a 20-something who claims to be a "carrier" for hpv. She asked if that was warts. You made the face you always do when people bring up an std and said, yes, it is warts.

Sue, with all the added information out there on tv commercials and the push for more awareness of this very common problem, do you think maybe the next time someone asks about hpv you could also add that most people have had an hpv infection of one strain or the other at some point in their lives and not known it?

I have never in my life had a wart. But I had cell changes in my cervix that were precancerous and tested positive for one of the high-risk strains of hpv. After three years of constant vigilance I don't test positive anymore for hpv, but I'm fully aware that it could resurface at any time. I'm no different than millions of women out there and I think they need to be informed of that instead of stigmatized by the letters HPV.

Not to mention that you informed the viewer that if her husband had no symptoms for a month, he would be free and clear and Sue, that's not the case. Men are walking all over the place with hpv infections, never know it, and spread it to women. For certain strains, there are no symptoms for men. And the only tests for hpv are the Pap smear and DNA hpv test and they're not suitable for testing males.

I imagine the ridiculously high number of high-risk hpv infections could be the reason that they're developing a vaccine. Here are some links.

http://womens-health.jwatch.org/cgi/content/full/2003/108/1

http://www.cancer.gov/clinicaltrials/results/cervical-cancer-vaccine1102

As wonderful as condoms are for preventing transmission of most std's, they really don't fully protect from hpv either.

Sue, I just had to write and ask you to please, for the sake of the young ones who haven't exposed themselves yet to sex or for women who don't go for regular Paps and think hpv is an "eww gross" std that won't happen to them, could you be a little more careful about the way you deal with those calls?

I'm not a nurse or a doctor, but I've unfortunately had to deal with this issue after having been in a monogamous relationship for years, and I know how awful knowing I could develop cervical cancer in the future is and I don't want women to be so stigmatized by the word hpv that they don't do something about it.

Even if you could update your website's information about it, you could help combat this problem.

Once again, I really like your show and have a great time watching it when I can. I mean no disrespect here, but I wanted to give you some feedback into what I think was a dropped ball issue.

Thank you for taking the time to write to Dr. Sue Johannsen Kerry. I always hope that she'll respond with a 'not so negative' come back. She always does that little "ewwwwwww" that she does and I really wish she'd stop. She's only helping to keep up the negative stigma on issues which I don't feel warrant such negativity. They're viruses and as long as people aren't afraid to 'tell' a mate, and if the mate is willing to take the risk, then what difference does it make!! Oh, the ignorance in our society simply baffles me sometimes.

Would You Date Someone with Herpes

At this stage in my life, I would have to say yes and it would certainly depend on the circumstances. There is no harm in dating and getting to know someone anyway and if they tell you they have herpes, what you need to realize is that telling you was not the easiest thing for them to do, however because they strive to be honest in their lives and chances are, they had sexual relations with someone who didn't give them that choice of knowing in advance. Then there are also those who didn't even know they had it, due to asymptomatic shedding. Good luck with your decision and just remember that they apparently cared enough about you to confide something to you so personal and which in the past has had a very negative stigma attached to it. Just remember it can happen to ANYBODY. Heck, you might even have it yourself. Also, just because you might have had all of your "STD testing" done at the clinic, doesn't mean they automatically test for herpes, so you could have it and not even know it. Ever had a coldsore? That's oral herpes and that can be transferred to someone genitally via oral sex. Get tested before you judge. You might come to realize that it's truly a non-issue. It is a non-issue for me because I've gotten ok with having herpes. It doesn't define who I am, even though, I believe I have become a better person in spite of having herpes. So if you're asking the question, would you be willing to date a person who had genital herpes, then I hope you would consider the person themselves and not the virus so much. Life is about choices.

Healing Herpes with Self-Love

I personally am not a big believer (don't believe at all in fact) that "medicine's" are of any value to me or herpes. This is the message which people who "suffer" with herpes need to be reminded of. Bottom line is, there is no reason to
"suffer". Especially because the suffering that the majority of them have is something which they have placed upon themselves.

The message needs to get out to people with herpes that they are not part of some marginalized minority. If you have herpes you are part of a herpes nation that is a majority of the population. It is common and normal to have herpes. It is becoming uncommon not to have herpes. It is long past time for people with herpes to come out of the closet and speak up about herpes to help educate the people who don't have herpes and to put a human face on this disease. The stigma only exists because of the shame people with herpes have agreed to carry. There is no need for this, no reason for this. Shame is not a product of love.

It makes no sense to me to be ashamed of getting a virus from an act of lovemaking or kissing rather than getting a disease from self-abuse or catching an air-borne virus from riding on a subway train. Some people do not love sex and therefore wish to denigrate anything that has to do with sex especially sexually transmitted infections. I learned a long time ago in church that true love is accepting and forgiving and inclusive. People with herpes are not lepers and need not allow themselves to be treated like lepers.

The truth is also that there is no cure for herpes and one isn't likely in our lifetime. So herpes is a lifelong viral infection. The truth is that most people who have herpes don't know it because they have never had a type-specific blood test for herpes either out of fear or lack of awareness. (Herpes tests are not normally part of a STI screening panel, so unless you demand one you may never get one) The truth is that people with herpes can be contagious even when there are no warning signs of the virus being active, so safer sex is something that ought to be considered. The truth is that a person with herpes who does not make peace with the emotional and mental consequences of having herpes will not be able to manage their herpes as effectively as someone who does regardless of how much valtrex or famvir they take.

Forgiveness. Some people with herpes are still angry and resentful with the person who infected them. I can understand this because I hear so many stories. So many people are infected by people who didn't warn them f their herpes status. Many people are infected by unfaithful partners. Some have been raped. It's natural to be angry and bitter when given a life-sentence like herpes. It took me a long time to let go of my negative feelings about my own infection. Everyone is living their own distinct experience with herpes. But I say most sincerely that sooner or later and I hope that it's sooner, there must come a time to forgive and let go if you want to be healthy with herpes. Hanging on to the negative feelings not only damages you physically and otherwise often causing more outbreaks, but it binds you to the past, which you will never free yourself from until you forgive.

Forgive the person who gave you herpes if you can. And if you cannot, keep trying until you can. But more importantly forgive yourself. I come across so many people who have herpes, who are continually punishing themselves for having herpes. They are angry at themselves thinking that they could have been smarter-full of regret and self recriminations. This is not love. Love forgives, love understands.

Be good to yourself, be gentle and loving and patient as if you were your own child. Forgive yourself and reclaim your self-esteem and self-love.

Do you love yourself? Do you really? If you have herpes and love yourself how would you act? Would you be ashamed of your herpes? Would you stop dating and deny yourself love and sex just because you have herpes? Would you be sitting in a vortex of anger and resentment towards the virus? Or would you life be all about love and peace and balance?

If you loved yourself- how would you eat? Would you smoke cigarettes and take recreational drugs, would you drink coffee knowing that it's a trigger for your herpes and bad for your health all the way around?

If you loved yourself and loved others would you practice safer sex with a condom and/or anti-viral gel to help protect your loved one/s from your herpes, would you practice safer sex to protect yourself from other sexually transmitted infections? Would you perhaps be motivated to speak out and try to educate others on how to deal with herpes if they have it or how to protect themselves from herpes if they don't, especially the young people who are just starting to explore their sexuality? If you loved yourself would you be afraid to warn your sex partners about your herpes status? The bible says that "true love casteth out all fear".

You were born with the right to be happy and to enjoy your life and your health to the fullest, having herpes changes none of this.