Love Letters - Telling I have Herpes

Should I tell someone I have herpes?

"I met a boy......cute as can be" (we both like karaoke).

I met a guy one night (first day of fishing/trout season in Pennsylvania in 2004). He was so much fun. He made me smile, made me laugh. Great sense of humor. I truly enjoyed his company, his warmth, his passion, the twinkle in his eye. He was extremely down to earth, very matter of fact, his honesty, his motivation. There were so many things about this man and father which I could appreciate. I got nothing but good vibes in the short period of time I spent with him.

I wanted so much to open up to him and be the honest person who I know that I am, the worthy person, but I felt that he would not accept me for having genital herpes. Yes, I said genital herpes (see handbook for additional information). That he would judge me and "throw me away". I wasn't sure when to tell him. I wanted to tell him from the very beginning, it was always in the forefront of my mind, and I know that he sensed that I was keeping something from him and believe me when I say, I wanted to tell, I needed to tell.

It was killin' me, tearin' me up inside. Each time I touched your face, stroked your hair and looked into your eyes, each time you'd say "penny for your thoughts" (that was what was on my mind) the fact that I was scared to death to tell you, only out of fear of rejection, not afraid of myself and certainly not afraid of genital herpes, but that you would reject me and not even get to know the beautiful person which I am. I'm comfortable with having herpes myself and I know my body, but unfortunately, there are never any guarantees of non-transmittal either. I should have trusted in you and not been afraid to tell, but that's hindsight for ya.

I wanted to be close to you, hang out with you, kiss and hug and be kissed and hugged by you. I was serious too, when I said I'd want to help you with your work. I felt totally comfortable with you. Totally!! And I wanted to take it one step further, so badly, but I just couldn't live with myself if I did and hadn't confided in you. I would have been totally devastated of the 50/50 chance of rejection, so instead I refrained from showing you how I really felt and that I wanted to be with you, to give myself time to decide the perfect time to tell, but I was never given the opportunity to do that, sadly enough. We could be good for each other.

I wouldn't "go all the way" with you, because I had promised/vowed to myself, that I would not, until I told, but the right time just never came up. When is the right time?? I so much didn't want to be rejected by you, and I felt that it was very likely that he you might reject me. 50/50 chance huh :-) Who knows? Maybe I'll never know. Never know what your true intention was or even what you were looking for that night?

I met you in a bar, which in the past, never proved to be a good place to meet someone and you know how that goes. But who knows, anything is possible and sometimes you just have to take the chance. You knew my friends, so that was kind of like meeting "a friend of a friend" in a bar. So what's wrong with that :-) I felt safe and it felt so right being with you. I was totally comfortable. I believe that we could be great together, even if only as great friends and I would still want that opportunity if you're interested.

Notice how I haven't used the L word. ;-) That's because I want to be your friend, your buddy. Someone I could tell anything to, all of my deepest darkest secrets (not that I have any left, all of my baggage has now been aired). Someone to hang out with, to care about, to care about me, to help each other. A companion.

Sometimes I wonder why I haven't heard from you. Is it because I didn't "give it up" right away? Did you really think I was just "teasing" you? I wasn't teasing you and I did say that much. I wanted you as much as you wanted me, but I just morally couldn't and wouldn't! Is it because you could tell that I was keeping something from you? Was it because I have a bi-racial child? I can't imagine that would have been an issue as that would have been quite illogical to me.

Then there's always your past situation..... Maybe you're simply not ready. Possibly it's just too soon? Maybe you're still not over your past relationship. Maybe you wanted me just for sex. Maybe you're just being a great Dad and totally focused on that and if that's the case I totally understand and I respect you for that, but you could still call to say you were thinking about me if that's the case. Friendship is important to me as well as intimacy and it's hard to go back to non-intimacy once you've been as intimate with someone as we had been. I want it all, (notice I didn't say need) who doesn't :-) Total honesty is important to me as well, but I didn't want to spoil the moment, the intimacy. You made me feel very special, very loved and safe. I should have trusted to confide in you sooner, but I was concerned about possible rejection and I was enjoying our time together. I still want to do this face to face. I even said to myself, even if I see him again in the future, I will drag his butt outside and tell him. Right then and there! That way he''ll understand what I was dealing with and the difficulty of telling him and that my intention was to tell him sooner rather than much later. I'm hoping that you'll understand and appreciate my honesty and for letting you know how I feel and where I'm coming from. I still think about you daily and maybe I have no business doing that, but I wasn't done with you yet ;-) I miss you and the connection with you that I felt was there.

My friends and family (who either know that I have genital herpes or internet friends who I chat with and have it too) all of them have different thoughts on the "telling topic" and "when to tell". I felt that we had a connection and that I owe you that much, even if it doesn't go anyplace.

Some of them said......
"NO!! Don't tell him right away!! Don't sleep with him right away, wait 3 months before you become intimate. Give him a chance to get to know you. (Well, I didn't feel as though that would work because I figured we had gone too far already to pull back that drastically, I thought it would have been too difficult, because I was very attracted to you too. :-)

Others say........(which is how I prefer to handle it...)
Tell him right up front, if he's gonna accept you, he'll do it more from the beginning of the relationship, rather than waiting for 3 months, because he'll appreciate you for your honesty and if he's not wanting a relationship with you, then it wasn't meant to be anyway. I felt that you deserved my totally honesty right from the beginning. I felt as though you had been totally honest with me (or at least believe that of you) and that was the right thing for me to do for you as well as for myself.

So...... I was torn, do I tell now or wait, everyone had valid points on both sides. I had spoken to them, looking for advice and I also consider them friends, (most of whom have genital herpes and have been there, done that, walked a mile in my shoes).

They all had various ways that they choose to "tell" someone......
Some tell while riding in the car (I was gonna "kidnap" you one night and go for a drive, that was how I wanted to do it and finally tell you. That's all I could think about was when and how.)

Some tell it in the heat of the moment (umm, I don't think so!! What a way to spoil an intimate moment.)

Final (or end of letter); my top ten thoughts and comments

1. First off.....Ahh.....I feel so much better :-) Now, I can just be myself again. whew!!! :-) You have no idea!! This is a good thing for me to tell. :-)
2. I would still enjoy seeing and spending time with you. Take a chance? If not, I'll understand, but I still expect a hug if I see you around and I do hope to see you around.
3. If I hear from you, I know that you'll make your intentions perfectly clear to me. I appreciate that about you and would certainly enjoy your company. *smile*
4. We'll just lay whatever "rules" we have...... out on the table. No problem.
5. I am extremely independent, having never been married and I don't NEED someone to "take care of me" but I do want someone in my life. I do not expect someone to take care of me financially and would be perfectly content with just haveing someone to be close to, be my friend, help me, do things with, to hug and hold and be intimate with and I don't just mean sexually.
6. I'm being totally open and honest with you. It's my turn..to do the talking. Open book time. You certainly are a chatty one. *smile*
7. Remember, I told you, I'd been accused of "having no spine" but I'm determined to prove them wrong.
8. I believe we could be good together.
9. Ya know, I was advised, not to tell, especially if I didn't hear from you again, but I still felt as though I owed you an explanation of that night, because I felt that we had a great connection and our friendship was deserving of total honesty, even if there was no future meant to be. I wished I could have relaxed and enjoyed each other totally because I felt a true bond with you, one which I believe could be something more and I wasn't ready to just leave it at "I'm not teasing you."
10. I'm also including a snip it of what will someday be published on the WWW (my story), bits of it may be redundant, but it's all about how I feel and who I am. note: Someday I'll link to my story when it's complete.

date last saved/modified was: 06March, 2005 (orig. written approx: July or Aug of 2004)

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update: January 21, 2006 (date I'm entering this into my blog)

Well, I never did present this fella with this letter above and so much has happened since my writing of this. It's sort of funny now how things have progressed, where our friendship has gone and it's so cool. It's almost laughable. The bottom line is, we still are friends, we do keep in touch and I don't regret anything which has transpired between he and I. Since my initial feelings were typed in the above letter, we have had the talk. It's funny because as time went on, he kept bringing up the conversation of herpes in one way or another. He'd make comments like "you know that they have a cure for herpes" and I was like, hmmm, I wonder why he's saying this? Did he find out via the web that I have herpes or was this just a coincidence? Then a bit later in our friendship, we're taking a road trip and again, he brings up "Did you hear about all those fish that died in Chautauqua Lake from the herpes virus". OK, I'm thinking to myself, he must know!! So we chat about it, but I still hadn't confessed. Man, this is harder than I thought lolol. So as time goes on, he finally admits to me that he has oral herpes. OMG, if that wasn't the BIGGEST shock to me and such a friggin' relief to hear. Naturally, I then finally admitted something which had been eating away at me now for over a year. Mind you, we hadn't spent a whole lot of time around each other, but geez, all that worrying for nothing!! lol Needless to say, I think that everything happens for a reason and I value his friendship even more now because if nothing else, we have this ridiculous social stigma in common. Sure, mine might be genital herpes, but hey, in my world, herpes is herpes lolol I am going to email him this link and hopefully he'll get a good chuckle out of all my drama lolol *hugs to ya* You got my number(s) lolol

p.s. - I still think he's a great guy and glad he's my friend, which I firmly believe is very important.

still chuckling over this -----> C.P.A. lololol <-----ok, that's a private joke folks. Remember, I sent it to him too.

How can I say "herpes is JUST a virus"?

One poster on a herpes support board, challenged me with this question.

This was my reply to her:

Well, I believe you're directing this response to me and if you will re-read what I wrote.....and always write....Herpes is just a virus to ME (I can't speak for everyone else). I am fully aware that herpes treats everyone's body differently and for ME it has taken 17+ years to "GET OVER IT".

I have shed MANY a tear, before I had access to the internet, a place to share my experiences, fears etc. I lived in denial for 10 of those 17 years, maybe not denial so much (because I wouldn't sleep with someone if I wasn't having an outbreak), but who the heck knew there was something called asymptommatic shedding?? Who knew?? and I certainly wasn't going to have an open discussion with someone when I would be sooooo ashamed....... OK, I could go on and on and on, but I won't. The bottom line is, Herpes DOES NOT define who I am. I don't have lots of obvious outbreaks andI might add, I don't NEED a man to define me. I am not on daily supression, in fact, I've NEVER taken a valtrex in MY LIFE!!!

I have had the pleasure of being a mom (13 year old son) whom I might add, I delivered him vaginally and did not pass herpes on to him. For me, the fact that herpes is ONLY a Virus to ME is huge, because I have many more pressing things going on in my life at the present time. High cost of fuel to heat my home (it's killin' me), credit card bills and high interest rates, not making 6 figures, but to be honest, I don't think it would solve any of my problems.

ALL of my family members know about the fact that I have herpes. I have told many of my friends that I have herpes and for me, telling people, saying the word HERPES out loud many times has gotten me to a place where it truly is NOT a big deal, nor is it a dealbreaker for me. Having this confidence about it, did not happen overnight, but only through time and by allowing those of you who are new to this realize that others can be OK about having herpes, should reassure you that in time, you too will get comfortable in your new skin. I AM NOT ashamed of it, but yet, I don't try to get too close to anybody too soon. I live with the belief that a friendship or companionship and someone who agrees that a prenuptial agreement is THE only way to go (there again, my opinion ;-) then I find it's NOT worth the hassle of being with someone. Sure, I'd love to meet Mr. Right and have him come live with my son and I in this great state of Pennsylvania, living in the country, being able to hunt and fish whenever and where ever he wanted to or just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night sky, but I'm not holdin' my breath!!

lol...sure sounded like a personal ad huh ;-) lolol So yes......I can honestly say that HERPES is JUST a virus to ME!!! You might not be there quite yet and believe me, I do have compassion for those of you who are where you are now, but what I need to remind you is don't let having herpes consume you. You need to retrain the way
you think about it, that's all. It might sound simple as I put it, but you have to convince yourself and get used to you before anyone else will be able to accept you for the beautiful spirits that you are, with or without herpes. Having herpes is NOT the end of the world. But it will take time for you to work through this process.

One day, you'll say Thank you, for making you realize that you too could get to where you are. I'm not the only one who feels this way folks and trust me when I say, WE DO UNDERSTAND, but it doesn't behoove you to keep wallowing in your own self pity.

Get over it I say!!! :-) Shit Happens!!!

What is cervical Dysplasia?

The doctor tells me I have cervical dysplasia, what in the world is that?

I recommend and refer you to ASHA (American Social Health Association)
for valid information.

HPV information

and HPV education. What is HPV? Human Papilloma Virus. OK, so now that
we've got that part out, what in the world is it? HPV is a sexually
transmitted disease which has been linked to cervical cancer. The best
resource I can send you to is this one by ASHA (American Social Health
Association). It has many of the same rules to follow which Herpes does
which is why you tend to find people with HPV lumped in with those of us
who have Herpes, both genital and oral.

What women should know about HPV.

What men should know about HPV.

There are also several other links on that same page with many questions
answered.

Westover Heights Herpes Handbook

This is the best resource for herpes information. I highly recommend that
you take the time to review this updated herpes handbook.

Herpes Awareness T Shirts

One in 4 adults have some form of herpes, either oral or genital. Many
aren't even aware that they have it. This shirt is a symbol of those of
us who are OK with having herpes.